You Go Boy!
Early December, I woke up super early to get the laptops set up and my credit cards ready because Sox Pax tickets (multiple tickets to multiple games) and NKOTBSB tickets were going on sale the same morning.
Yes, I’m a loser…. but it worked! I got tickets for both. So on Opening Day against the Yankees, myself, Miah and our friends Mary & John met up for some day drinking and baseball. First the parking was insane, worse than usual, so we had to park further away and take a rickshaw to Landsdowne Street. Since I’m mature, I had to snap a pic of the pedaler’s bum.
Looks Good, Right?
Oh Wait. Not so much.
We were all excited to see the seats that I woke up early for, had 4 computers going for, am practically in debt for… oh and isn’t the view spectacular? Oh wait. You can’t see the batters box. I didn’t know who was swinging, if we had a catcher, what the call was, etc. I didn’t mind too, too much because Mary and I were too busy making friends with people around us and talking about Bravo tv. In any event…. just my luck.
Housewives of Orange County
Gretchen is such a bitch. I am no Slade fan but tubbawubba? Are you serious? I was actually proud of him that he said something to her about her constantly making f
un of his weight. And typical girl, she turns it around and makes it like she’s upset. I’m not shitting on girls, I do it too..and I’m a girl. But if you’ve watched the show since the beginning, you know that he wore the pants in the relationship with Jo and would call her out on every little thing she did that he didn’t like. Now he’s with Gretchen, way out of his league and keeping them afloat financially, and he isn’t allowed to do anything without her approval. Oh how the tables have turned! But karma related or not, I don’t like it. I felt bad for him that she took him and her dogs, the ‘fat turds’ to the park to get some exercise. Imagine if he started commenting on the mole on her face? Oh God I wish he would. But like I said, she is way out of his league and he knows better.
This is slightly psychotic, but I can’t help it, there is a scene when she is leaving her house and by her door, there is a sunglasses rack. Like instead of a coat rack, she has a 50 sunglasses display case like you’d see at Lenscrafters. Laaahhhhuuuu-ssssaaaahhhheeeerrr.
Extreme Couponing
I saw a special on this over the winter time and was shocked that this could be done. I mean, my friend Pauline can go into CVS and get $30 worth of stuff for like $8 but I didn’t know it was humanly possible for someone to walk into a grocery store and get hundreds of dollars worth of food for like two bucks… baffles me. Of course, after I saw this, I put on my new years resolution list to use coupons more. One of the 15 resolutions I haven’t even tried to uphold. I just like making lists.
So I came to the conclusion that this is a full time job. These people subscribe to websites for a fee for coupons to be mailed to them, they dumpster dive looking for coupons people threw away, they have excel lists keeping track of what they have in their bomb shelters and what they might need, etc. I’m sorry, if we get hit with a nuclear bomb – although your basement might be able to feed you for 50 plus years, you’ll be dead, it won’t matter. Your stock pile full of 300 tubes of toothpaste, 100 bottles of teriyaki sauce and 60 cans of stewed tomatoes, isn’t going to save you. (Unless your name is Bear from Man vs. Wild – who can start a fire using water and ice).
In one of the more recent episodes, as well as in the special I saw in the winter, there was a guy named Ethan. Some of his greatest accomplishments included 1100 boxes of cereal for $150 (a $4000 value) and 700 bottles of body wash – I don’t remember the deal on that one. His long fingernails had me sidetracked. I don’t trust men with weird hands or long fingernails. DO NOT TRUST ETHAN. His stockpile was ridiculous – although he did help with care packages for soldiers…. what do you really need with all of that other stuff? I have a hard enough time fitting all my shoes in my closet, where the hell would I store a 1 ton crate of Grape Nuts cereal? Not to mention Ethan drives a Prius with a trailer hitch on the back. LOL I swear to God, if I saw him on the highway I would run him right off the road. BUT…. the two faced person I am – I would love to be friends with him – you know, in the off chance that I go broke and hungry or if his stock pile really does pan out in a nuclear war. I could probably just clip coupons and stalk stores for sales myself, but I’m busy. I’m watching TV and eating Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I can only do so much.
Hoarding – Buried Alive
I usually don’t write about these shows because they are sensitive and these people really do have problems, but I HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT Kelain and her boyfriend Kevin. I won’t go into too much detail except to say this: she collects hats, frog statues, stuffed penguins, giraffes and koala bears and …. you ready? BANANAS! Rotting, black, bananas. She puts the banana peels on the ceiling fan like a mobile for a baby. She collects these things because they love her and she loves them. Here’s her pic. God love her.
Moral of the Story: Ethan should get Kelain some bananas with a few of his coupons. Maybe Slade too.
Just a Thought: Scream 4? Just when I thought I’d never have to see Neve Campbell ever again.
wedding and then Jill possibly not making it to the marriage equality march even though she was on the committee. Deep breaths, Alex – these things don’t have an everlasting impact on your life.
Simon: I get it. It’s rainbow in honor of the gays. But because it’s you and you probably have had that in your closet for years and didn’t buy it for this march AND you added a tropical 80’s cumberbund… Shame on you.
Jill: I certainly hope you all watch Watch What Happens Live on Sundays and Thursdays, because it might just be a thousand times more entertaining than any of the shows on Bravo. In any event, Ramona and Jill were on last week and HOLY MIDLIFE CRISIS BATMAN! Jill apparently dropped her trademark bangs and red hair to be a Madonna impersonator. 1 – nice rhinestoned cuffed pleather leggings 2- No one should wear a top that has more trim than a Victorian house on the English countryside 3 – You’re too old for a hair extension ponytail 4 – when you stand up, you need to get your camel toe out of my face.
Ginger: Komono in honor of the latest earthquake in Japan on WWHL? Since when do you start wearing clothes? Oh since my man Giggy on HWBH does? And I noticed you’ve got a Twitter too. Get off Giggy’s nuts. I will not follow you. (Yes, I’m fully aware I brought a dog into this.)
Sonja: Lose the bows. You’re almost 50 (even if you look 20).
Alex: Where do I begin? Holy crap – the S&M outfit to go to an art unveiling. Really? Really?
WTF. Her mom needs to go to an AA meeting- STAT. I understand how they are trying to market this show – that her family keeps her grounded- but still don’t see the point of it. From the looks of it, I don’t see what stableness she could possibly be attaining… let’s recap- Her mom needs solitary confinement, I’m shocked her sister with the tats doesn’t just walk around spraying people in the face with mace with how defensive she is, her brother is a mooch and her dad and other sister only smile. Actually, I’d need them around too to make myself feel normal too. But like with Mob Wives, I’ll continue watching because if I even have a slight chance of seeing Speidi… I’m there. You know me, I love trainwrecks and mental breakdowns of any sort, so naturally Heidi and her surgeries have me missing her like crazy.
I was completely convinced that Gary could do naked snow angels on Trump’s desk and then shoot puppies right between the eyes in a line-up and still not get fired. But alas, I was wrong.
I’m currently obsessed with Hugh’s uni-brow on Top Chef Masters. Are you?
I will admit Gretchen looked adorable, even though she’s on my shit list for being annoying, with her little bow in her hair and all that, but the t-shirt, really?? Her shirt reminds me of something that is on my pet peeve list. A list which is very very lengthy and includes attention demanding clothes such as the pants that have writing on the butt. I hate those PINK pants or CHEER shorts that seem to be the rage among prepubescent girls and teenagers…. like hi, please look at my butt. I don’t care how old you are, if you’re a sex offender or not, but I want you to read what is written on my ass and as a direct result – assess my whole body inappropriately. It’s a badddd idea and if I have kids (good luck to them), whether those pants are in or not, they will never own them. My poor non-existing kids already have so many limits on them, that when they do actually exist there is a 98% chance that they will be at the peanut allergy table at school with no one to talk to. I personally won’t wear those pants or shorts not because I don’t want anyone looking at my butt, but because I don’t have a butt. My message would get lost in translation as I can’t fill out a pair of pants to save my life. I’m your worst nightmare if we have to squish in a crowded car and I end up sitting on your lap. My back basically goes straight into my thighs without so much as a bump. Luckily my muffin top evens me out.
I felt bad for Tamra when she was moving and came across her wedding stuff in front of Eddie. That’s never easy. Even if you’ve moved on, coming across something that suddenly makes unexpected memories to rush back to you like that is tough. Maybe that’s why she completely ripped Fernanda’s face off for using the word ‘disappointed’ in regards to missing her Citizenship Party, whether Fernanda is a Stage 5 clinger or not…. I was like YIKES!
who is the dead ringer for Candyman, the movie that when I was little used to make me wet my pants pre-bladder issues. I still can’t watch that movie without company. The only real difference between Candyman and his lookalike Sean is that Sean uses the word C-U-Next-Tuesday in referring to someone’s mother…. I do say only difference because I’m convinced Sean is most likely a serial killer as well. No one say Candyman 5 times in a mirror. Just.don’t.do.it.
through stomach. Most people would think that was sweet, I on the other hand wanted to vomit. I felt like she was 10 seconds away from reenacting the scene in Spaceballs when the alien pops out of the guys belly in the diner with a top hat and a cane singing ‘Hello my baby, hello my honey…’ Then a few weeks later, the two little babies were sitting side by side in matching carseats, in little pink clothes with little pink hats and my sisters stomach was back to normal. Like WHAT? Those two things that blink, were just both in your stomach. They blink! They have fingernails! They have hair! All things that are meant for the exterior growing on the INTERIOR. I need a stork. Don’t even get me started on the belly button/umbilical cord situation. Oh God. I’m sweating. I don’t even like having gas, I can’t imagine what I’ll feel like with a baby in the oven floating around doing the backstroke in there. Waah. On a positive note, I would be able to eat cheeseburger subs in mass quantities because I’m eating for two! Must not be that bad…
Now, let’s talk about Samantha! What a pssssyyyycccchhhoooo!!!! Basically this mom is on her 3rd child and is big into branding. So as she tries to create a branding for her family, she believes it starts with a first impression, which is your name. So she didn’t think that her first two kids names were strong enough, Ella & Ruby, and so she enlists the help of Rosie to help her come up with a marquee name. This is what they do: Rosie has to round up a group of experts to create a think tank of names. They have a poet, a linguistics specialist, a baby blogger, etc. They all come up with a group of names but with guidelines from Samantha of course. This name can not have a j, an e, an r. It must be easy to spell, and can not be decorative. From there, the final names go to a focus group, where Rosie and the parents will watch in a two way mirrored room. This group of people that made up the focus group were some very powerful people in NYC and as parents striving to obtain a successful and powerful brand for their child, these are the people’s opinions they really wanted. Naturally, as control freaks, any time a name that they liked was unliked by someone in the group, Samantha and her husband considered them uneducated and out of tune. So from the focus group, they took the top 3 names to a dinner among friends for some valued feedback. Naturally, when the baby is born, they pick the name that no one wanted and that didn’t even make it to the top 3 list for the friends dinner….so all those groups and efforts were for nothing. Baby Bowen Asher will one day be his own brand….. I’ll keep my eyes peeled.
Anyone else think that fame got to Gretchen? I mean I guess I can’t see why for any of these reality stars, why it wouldn’t – but slow down girl. She’s very abrasive this year. I liked her much better when she was dating a 95 year old man. I’m getting tired of Slade, her cackle, wearing a bikini top as a t-shirt, the zit-mole on her cheek and the confessional of her looking like she’s on the show Designing Women with her fushia flower shirt and her curly pony tail to the side. She’s really annoying me lately. But it all makes sense when they show her dad in the latest episode…. ewww. They go out to lunch and the waitress, who can’t be more than 19 years old, introduces herself as Sam. His reply? As in like, with an S and an M? YUCK. Get the pepper spray, Sam! Now I know where Gretchen gets it from.
Vicky and Tamra go to Cabo in this episode because the fights with Simon last season didn’t seem to help anyone’s relationship. For a second there, I thought I was watching Housewives of Atlanta when Vicky asked Tamra to write friendship vows and read them to her on the beach the next day. This is like the friendship contract for NeNe and Cynthia. Naturally, Tamra didn’t do it because that 40 something year old was too busy during the day having people do body shots off her stomach. Hey, guys. I know you’ve had a shit ton of plastic surgery but you aren’t on MTV Spring Break. Knock it off. You’re almost 50. Well, I mean, I guess good for them, being older and doing all that – but my only two goals when I’m that age is to find at least one pair of button and zip fly pants that fit me and to have all of my own teeth. Only time will tell.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s what everyone has hoped for since the very first episode and the highlight of the MTV Teen Mom series. Jenelle gets arrested!! Woo hoo! Our favorite little life-mess gets thrown in the slammer for breaking & entering and possession of marijuana. When I heard breaking & entering, I lit up like a Christmas tree… that was way more than I was expecting! She never ceases to amaze me. The best part was when she called her mom and it was so casual. Hey I’m in jail? What are you doing in there? She might as well’ve been running errands with Alexis from HWoOC. When she gets home and gets to talking with her mom about her behavior, her mom starts crying and Jenelle, who I am 100% convinced is completely heartless, is like Ok, sorry mom. I’m surprised her mother hasn’t been hospitalized yet – either from the stress of her daughter or the pitch of her own voice causing her a massive brain aneurysm…. and all Jenelle can say is basically, my bad. Is it too late to put her up for adoption? And she got Keifer out of jail. Shocker. Seriously, adoption?
How about that wedding of Leah & Corey?? I got so excited when I saw the camo vests and lime green ties on the ushers and then the bridesmaids carrying the electric candles down the aisle! Made me realize that I haven’t blogged about Big Redneck Wedding in a while – or even better, the spinoff, Big Redneck Baby. I’ll put it on my to-do list. In all honesty, they are so cute, their whole little family, even if they are hillbilly-ish. My favorite rednecks, by far. I would bet that they’ll get their own spinoff eventually, what do you guys think?
Just a Thought: Secretly love that Charlie Sheen bombed in Detroit this weekend. He hasn’t tweeted since before the show. Winning? Eh, notsomuch. I watched most of the show on youtube today. Thank god I saved my would-be ticket money for wine.
hospitalization, Winona Ryder losing it, the Mel Gibson fiasco, the Tom Cruise insanity, Whitney Houston snapping, LiLo’s stuper and liked the Charlie Sheen thing for a minute but he’s currently overboard. A little too trainwrecked for my taste.. I considered for a second about buying a ticket to his tour, but I don’t want to feed anyone’s drug habit, so I’ll stay home with a bottle of wine and online shopping and feed my own habit thankyouverymuch. Hey, I just noticed that all of the above ‘situations’ would make really great band names. I hope that one day when I lose it, which is definitely going to happen (and probably soon), someone forever memorializes my unfortunate state of affairs with a rock band. Bethie goes Bonkers. Catchy. Knowing me and how I flip when I’m hungry or tired or when a child is in my presence….when I do have that breakdown, it’s going to be epic. You guys should probably start practicing for the finale anthem now.
4- I firmly believe that when Jace starts talking, his first words will be “Real Nice, Jenelle” – the direct influence of his grandmother and it’ll be the loudest, most Southern, most irritating voice of a child you’ve ever heard in your life.
I get it – she’s opinionated, she’s loud, she’s sarcastic, she can be crude, what she’s thinking is never not written on her face…but she’s the shit and she’s kind. Not a lot of people are kind anymore. Taking care of people – Gina with the mani/pedi and baptism, her assistant with the raise and the makeover, Nick the foodie with you know… just general attention. I completely love her. However… there is someone I could potentially love more than Bethenny at some point in time…Bryn. In every scene, Bryn’s facial expression never changes and totally sums up my feelings on life – not impressed and unamused.
I feel like the whole Christening situation was one that would completely happen to me. Standing on the street, recollecting myself wearing a ceremonial burnt orange head scarf after my daughter was pseudo-baptized in a Yoruba church after being ripped out of my arms without my consent. Naturally this would take place right around Halloween when Miah and I dressed up as a family of pandas and went trick-or-treating. Sounds about right. I can’t believe my brother in law doesn’t like her. I really don’t know what my sister sees in him.
I’m working on catching up, but did you see the episode where her father visits? Y-O-W-Z-E-R-S. She warns her friends that he is more of an embarrassing uncle than a father and that he is a cross between Jack Nicholson, a pimp and an old sea captain. I knew this was gonna be good. She takes him to a lesbian bar because he thought for a while that she may be a lesbian…. then later on we see Aubrey and her friend take naked pictures cuddling in a sauna and put it on Twitter. Huh, where would he get that thought? In any event, the lesbian bar is insane – he admits he looked for her only after she got famous, he grinds on her friend, snuggles with Aubrey…. I couldn’t tell if they were trying to make him a likable character because I was 100% creeped out.
Mike let the dogs, Lean Cuisine and Juice Box, let loose. I like those names because I like food. Stupid me just stuck with Henry… although it suits him, second time around I’m going to go with Tuna Melt or Cool Ranch Dorito. Genius. Those little bastards were eating like me on the cruise minus it being served in a trash bag – even though I wouldn’t have refused it that way.
And as predicted, Ronnie and Sam got back together and 20 minutes later they were fighting and broke up. All because she couldn’t admit that she was texting with a guy named Arvin that looked like an anteater. I would have admitted it, I mean the texts are proof, but then I would have been dying laughing at him for getting jealous at that. Would have chalked the whole thing up to being a joke on him. She needs some lessons – in relationships as well as wearing a proper bra with a strappy backed dress. Drives me nuts in every club scene.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Why can’t I be as pretty and talented as a drag queen? I’m jealous of their bodies, their makeup ability and fashion sense. Boo. In any event, this week’s challenge was to do a PSA about why they love the USA to be sent overseas to the troops. I hope the troops appreciate it as much as I would! The guest judges for this challenge were supermodel, Cheryl Tiegs, and my arch nemisis, figure skater, Johnny Weir. I would like Johnny, but sadly that faux-hawk haired bastard bullied the crap out of my all time favorite reality star, Bethenny Frankel on Skating with the Stars. Yes, I watched that and yes, I would text my votes in for her. Bethenny got robbed on that show and I’ll never forgive Johnny for it. Never. I don’t care if he is on RuPaul’s Drag Race and wearing black leather finger gloves or if Skating with the Stars doesn’t come back for another season… his opinion is null and void to me. Bastard. And just to put emphasis on just how sucky his opinions really are, here is an example: he told one of the queens, that in their PSA there wasn’t a lot of class or integrity. Dude, the definition of integrity is honesty in your character. I think anyone who has the ability to tape their penaso up so well that you can confuse someone into thinking that you are of a different sex and then hand sew a red white and blue unitard to prove their adoration for our country and leave absolutely no sign of that penaso, well, I think they are being pretty honest in their character as a drag queen. Go back to figure skating, Weir. You suck.
The winner of the challenge was Alexis and rightly so… she Swarovski bedazzled the shit out of her ex-boyfriend’s military jacket. Meow. Unfortunately, Ru threw a wrench in the plan and made the two queens up for elimination lip sync for their life to Mickey by Tony Basil….IN SPANISH. Dun, dun DUNNNNN! Lip Sync para tu vida!! Another thing to admire about a drag queen is that they are freakin’ bilingual. Waah! I want to be a drag queen! Luckily, for the first time in the show’s history, both the ladies got to stay. But guess what? Who cares about them?! Jody Watley is next week’s judge! She better have on hoops, a tulle skirt and cat eyed makeup. Play us out Jody!
it started with Project Runway (which ironically I can’t find the Lifetime Channel unless a made for TV movie is on…sorry Tim Gunn), then moved on to Work Out, Flipping Out, Thintervention, Kathy Griffen, Top Chef, Housewives (All of them), 9 by design, Rachel Zoe, Matchmaker, Shear Genius….all of it. I watch it all. Like I said, my social life is booming. But for 4 weeks, I have attempted to watch but can’t make myself like the cast of Housewives of Miami. I have to say I hate it. Sorry Andy Cohen! Well I hate HWOM and the reruns of America’s Next Top Model every single day. Don’t even get me started on my hatred for Tyra Banks. DON’T. GET. ME. STARTED. Her eyeballs, her forehead, the fact that she feels she can speak in different accents when she feels like it and no one will notice… grr. I need a valium. So let’s dish, shall we?
Elsa! The only redeeming quality about the entire show! She looks like a monster from Buffy the Vampire Slayer but I can’t get enough. I think my absolute favorite thing about her is that she wears makeup. LOL Makeup is to make you feel pretty, freshen up your look, etc. LOL Makeup, Elsa? Really? Really? It’s not helping. Although who knows what you look like without it – maybe it is helping. OBSESSED.
The only other notable topic in the last two shows was the ‘Denim-denim-denim’ comment from Pauly to Deena. Not sure if it’s because I’m the above listed bladder issue, but I almost peed. I can’t stop saying it either. That might be the single best one liner I’ve ever heard. Ever. Where was that when JT and Brit Brit were dating??
life...allegedly 