Posts tagged Bethenny Frankel

I’m back, bitches.

I’m back and alive… just a tanner, fatter version of me. You know, I was upset with myself that I wasn’t going to the gym more and instead, I was eating my body weight in steak and cheese subs and potato skins before the cruise… but it’s actually a good thing I did. I don’t think I was fully prepared for the endless amount of food you consume on a cruise. I mean I’m always game to challenging myself to an eating contest any day of the week, but if I didn’t unconsciously prepare with the subs and skins ahead of time, I really wouldn’t have been able to make myself as proud as I did on the trip. I gained a solid 4.5 pounds and if the thought of missing a meal or being late to a meal crossed Miah’s mind – I flipped my shit on him. When you build up my tolerance at an endless buffet like that, I’m going to get feisty and flip if you tamper with it. God help him and those dear to me when I become pregnant. I’m going to let myself (really) go and eat anything that’s not tied down. Can’t wait! (Well for the eating part, not the human-growing-in-my-stomach-being-a-parent-changing-diapers-vaginal-stitches part).

All the islands were gorgeous, the people were amazing, and clearly the food was unbelievable. It was such a great time! It’s good to be home though. I loved vacation but now I’m freezing, peeling, and starving with no buffet.  And of course, now I feel like I need another vacation to catch up on my DVR. Talk about stress! Holy crap. There aren’t enough hours in the day. So I decided I’m starting fresh with a diet, the gym and with my shows, if I miss some, I miss some… please forgive me.

Jersey Shore

I know in the previous week’s episode Sammi came back, they put cheese in Mike’s bed in retaliation for sending Snooki and Deena to NYC in a cab, and Ronnie continued to call Snooki, Schnookie solely to irritate the crap out of me. But in this past episode, it was much, much more entertaining…except for the lack of Teddy Graham boxes and 4C juice tins in the kitchen this time around. If you keep your eyes peeled in most episodes, you can get a good idea of how these glamazons stay in tip top shape diet-wise.

Mike let the dogs, Lean Cuisine and Juice Box, let loose. I like those names because I like food. Stupid me just stuck with Henry… although it suits him, second time around I’m going to go with Tuna Melt or Cool Ranch Dorito. Genius. Those little bastards were eating like me on the cruise minus it being served in a trash bag – even though I wouldn’t have refused it that way.

Did you see when Pauly and Vinny were leaving Vinny’s house after dinner? I tried to count but it went to fast. There were at least 85-90 people on his front lawn. That’s his family for a no-reason dinner! It’s not even Thanksgiving! I don’t even know that many people and I can bet my ass that even if I did, I couldn’t get them to eat dinner with me for no reason. Boo.

And as predicted, Ronnie and Sam got back together and 20 minutes later they were fighting and broke up. All because she couldn’t admit that she was texting with a guy named Arvin that looked like an anteater. I would have admitted it, I mean the texts are proof, but then I would have been dying laughing at him for getting jealous at that. Would have chalked the whole thing up to being a joke on him. She needs some lessons – in relationships as well as wearing a proper bra with a strappy backed dress. Drives me nuts in every club scene.

Naturally, the roommates couldn’t take it…. Mike saying that Ronnie was crying on his shoulder, calling for roses, listening to Michael Bolton and Vinny and Pauly with the GTF – Gym Tanning Find out who Sammi is texting or GTI – Gym Tanning I’m not buying it.  I’m more GTG – Gym Tanning Give up on this relationship already because I’d rather be jealous and watch the dogs eat out of the trash. I’m starving!

Bad Girls Club

I go on vacation and Ashley is gone and there is a blonde from Jersey out of nowhere? Me no likey. I don’t like this new girl, Jennifer. Now I know it could be because I missed the episode where she actually showed up and am too overwhelmed by my DVR to find it, but I don’t care. Who does she think she is showing up while I’m away? Tisk, tisk. She goes insane when there is a cricket in the room when she is on the phone…like seriously insane. About as insane as I get when I see a car decorated with a wreath or like Rudolph for Christmas….that intense. Then how about when she yells at the even newer girl that came in this episode and called her a replacement. Uh, isn’t that exactly what you are? I get it. Jersey is becoming trendy. I mean, not trendy enough for anyone to actually move there, but good TV trendy. This girl needs to go back there and get locked in a room full of crickets. It’s sad when I think Nikki is possibly more tolerable than her. POSSIBLY.

I haven’t been a fan of Jess since the very beginning. With the hair gel, the open flannels over a tight half shirt, the baggy pants… you’d think she was an extra in TLC’s Creep video. But then her brother Aaron showed up! Jackpot! He’s like a Jersey guido and she’s the girl from your high school in 1995 that you didn’t want to F with – what a fam! Let’s just go over how she described him in her confessional, “he’s like me just twice as raw.” What the hell does that even mean? Is raw not being able to hold your liquor, not wearing a wedding ring, peeing in your sister’s roommate’s bed, and then getting up, taking off your banana hammock and falling asleep on the floor naked with your legs crossed? So raw. Well actually, who am I kidding… a few years back I was very raw.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Why can’t I be as pretty and talented as a drag queen? I’m jealous of their bodies, their makeup ability and fashion sense. Boo. In any event, this week’s challenge was to do a PSA about why they love the USA to be sent overseas to the troops. I hope the troops appreciate it as much as I would! The guest judges for this challenge were supermodel, Cheryl Tiegs, and my arch nemisis, figure skater, Johnny Weir. I would like Johnny, but sadly that faux-hawk haired bastard bullied the crap out of my all time favorite reality star, Bethenny Frankel on Skating with the Stars. Yes, I watched that and yes, I would text my votes in for her. Bethenny got robbed on that show and I’ll never forgive Johnny for it. Never. I don’t care if he is on RuPaul’s Drag Race and wearing black leather finger gloves or if Skating with the Stars doesn’t come back for another season… his opinion is null and void to me. Bastard. And just to put emphasis on just how sucky his opinions really are, here is an example: he told one of the queens, that in their PSA there wasn’t a lot of class or integrity. Dude, the definition of integrity is honesty in your character. I think anyone who has the ability to tape their penaso up so well that you can confuse someone into thinking that you are of a different sex and then hand sew a red white and blue unitard to prove their adoration for our country and leave absolutely no sign of that penaso, well, I think they are being pretty honest in their character as a drag queen. Go back to figure skating, Weir. You suck.

The winner of the challenge was Alexis and rightly so… she Swarovski bedazzled the shit out of her ex-boyfriend’s military jacket. Meow. Unfortunately, Ru threw a wrench in the plan and made the two queens up for elimination lip sync for their life to Mickey by Tony Basil….IN SPANISH. Dun, dun DUNNNNN! Lip Sync para tu vida!! Another thing to admire about a drag queen is that they are freakin’ bilingual. Waah! I want to be a drag queen! Luckily, for the first time in the show’s history, both the ladies got to stay. But guess what? Who cares about them?! Jody Watley is next week’s judge! She better have on hoops, a tulle skirt and cat eyed makeup. Play us out Jody!

 

Moral of the Story: GTD – Gym Tanning Don’t even bother setting up your DVR when you go away on vacation… you’ll never catch up.

Just a Thought: I just saw a commercial for Cadbury Creme Eggs and almost peed my pants.

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