Archive for Housewives of Orange County

Bananas!

You Go Boy!

Early December, I woke up super early to get the laptops set up and my credit cards ready because Sox Pax tickets (multiple tickets to multiple games) and NKOTBSB tickets were going on sale the same morning.Yes, I’m a loser…. but it worked! I got tickets for both. So on Opening Day against the Yankees, myself, Miah and our friends Mary & John met up for some day drinking and baseball. First the parking was insane, worse than usual, so we had to park further away and take a rickshaw to Landsdowne Street. Since I’m mature, I had to snap a pic of the pedaler’s bum.

Looks Good, Right?

Oh Wait. Not so much.

We were all excited to see the seats that I woke up early for, had 4 computers going for, am practically in debt for… oh and isn’t the view spectacular? Oh wait. You can’t see the batters box. I didn’t know who was swinging, if we had a catcher, what the call was, etc. I didn’t mind too, too much because Mary and I were too busy making friends with people around us and talking about Bravo tv. In any event…. just my luck.

Housewives of Orange County

Gretchen is such a bitch. I am no Slade fan but tubbawubba? Are you serious? I was actually proud of him that he said something to her about her constantly making fun of his weight. And typical girl, she turns it around and makes it like she’s upset. I’m not shitting on girls, I do it too..and I’m a girl. But if you’ve watched the show since the beginning, you know that he wore the pants in the relationship with Jo and would call her out on every little thing she did that he didn’t like. Now he’s with Gretchen, way out of his league and keeping them afloat financially, and he isn’t allowed to do anything without her approval. Oh how the tables have turned! But karma related or not, I don’t like it. I felt bad for him that she took him and her dogs, the ‘fat turds’ to the park to get some exercise. Imagine if he started commenting on the mole on her face? Oh God I wish he would. But like I said, she is way out of his league and he knows better.

This is slightly psychotic, but I can’t help it, there is a scene when she is leaving her house and by her door, there is a sunglasses rack. Like instead of a coat rack, she has a 50 sunglasses display case like you’d see at Lenscrafters. Laaahhhhuuuu-ssssaaaahhhheeeerrr.

Extreme Couponing

I saw a special on this over the winter time and was shocked that this could be done. I mean, my friend Pauline can go into CVS and get $30 worth of stuff for like $8 but I didn’t know it was humanly possible for someone to walk into a grocery store and get hundreds of dollars worth of food for like two bucks… baffles me. Of course, after I saw this, I put on my new years resolution list to use coupons more. One of the 15 resolutions I haven’t even tried to uphold. I just like making lists.

So I came to the conclusion that this is a full time job. These people subscribe to websites for a fee for coupons to be mailed to them, they dumpster dive looking for coupons people threw away, they have excel lists keeping track of what they have in their bomb shelters and what they might need, etc. I’m sorry, if we get hit with a nuclear bomb – although your basement might be able to feed you for 50 plus years, you’ll be dead, it won’t matter. Your stock pile full of 300 tubes of toothpaste, 100 bottles of teriyaki sauce and 60 cans of stewed tomatoes, isn’t going to save you. (Unless your name is Bear from Man vs. Wild – who can start a fire using water and ice).

In one of the more recent episodes, as well as in the special I saw in the winter, there was a guy named Ethan. Some of his greatest accomplishments included 1100 boxes of cereal for $150 (a $4000 value) and 700 bottles of body wash – I don’t remember the deal on that one. His long fingernails had me sidetracked. I don’t trust men with weird hands or long fingernails. DO NOT TRUST ETHAN. His stockpile was ridiculous – although he did help with care packages for soldiers…. what do you really need with all of that other stuff? I have a hard enough time fitting all my shoes in my closet, where the hell would I store a 1 ton crate of Grape Nuts cereal? Not to mention Ethan drives a Prius with a trailer hitch on the back. LOL I swear to God, if I saw him on the highway I would run him right off the road. BUT…. the two faced person I am – I would love to be friends with him – you know, in the off chance that I go broke and hungry or if his stock pile really does pan out in a nuclear war. I could probably just clip coupons and stalk stores for sales myself, but I’m busy. I’m watching TV and eating Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I can only do so much.

Hoarding – Buried Alive

I usually don’t write about these shows because they are sensitive and these people really do have problems, but I HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT Kelain and her boyfriend Kevin. I won’t go into too much detail except to say this: she collects hats, frog statues, stuffed penguins, giraffes and koala bears and …. you ready? BANANAS! Rotting, black, bananas. She puts the banana peels on the ceiling fan like a mobile for a baby. She collects these things because they love her and she loves them. Here’s her pic. God love her.

Moral of the Story: Ethan should get Kelain some bananas with a few of his coupons. Maybe Slade too.

Just a Thought: Scream 4? Just when I thought I’d never have to see Neve Campbell ever again.

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Babies and Boobs.

Real Housewives of Orange County

Apparently boobies were the theme for this episode. Between Peggy getting her crooked right bomb reassessed (and her husband asking to keep the old implants to juggle with (WTFFFFFF), to Gretchen’s orange slices t-shirt, to Tamra’s topless photo-shoot blazing her implant scars and making me want to puke all over my remote control…. you couldn’t escape it! To the left, BOOBS! To the right, BOOBS! Everywhere you look, BOOBS! I will admit Gretchen looked adorable, even though she’s on my shit list for being annoying, with her little bow in her hair and all that, but the t-shirt, really?? Her shirt reminds me of something that is on my pet peeve list.  A list which is very very lengthy and includes attention demanding clothes such as the pants that have writing on the butt. I hate those PINK pants or CHEER shorts that seem to be the rage among prepubescent girls and teenagers…. like hi, please look at my butt. I don’t care how old you are, if you’re a sex offender or not, but I want you to read what is written on my ass and as a direct result – assess my whole body inappropriately. It’s a badddd idea and if I have kids (good luck to them), whether those pants are in or not, they will never own them. My poor non-existing kids already have so many limits on them, that when they do actually exist there is a 98% chance that they will be at the peanut allergy table at school with no one to talk to. I personally won’t wear those pants or shorts not because I don’t want anyone looking at my butt, but because I don’t have a butt. My message would get lost in translation as I can’t fill out a pair of pants to save my life. I’m your worst nightmare if we have to squish in a crowded car and I end up sitting on your lap. My back basically goes straight into my thighs without so much as a bump. Luckily my muffin top evens me out.

How did you guys feel about Gretchen using her diamond ring from her first marriage to make a new ring for her mom? I don’t think I like it. I just feel like that diamond has no meaning to her mom. It’s a nice gesture and I don’t know anyone who would refuse it, but still. I’m iffy. Slade is right up there with Ronnie from JS for me. Talking to Gretchen’s dad, who admittedly isn’t a huge fan of him, saying, ‘dude, dude!’ My dad would give him an award winning blank stare and awkward silence. But to be honest, Gretchen and Slade deserve each other. They both mooch and make you want to punch babies. Gretchen summed up her whole existence and what everyone knows to be true about her when Alexis said that she was treating the girls to botox (where was my invite, biatch?) and Gretchen said ‘if I had known you were going to do this, I wouldn’t have gotten it a few months ago…where else could I get it?’ Ewww. Way to take advantage of someone’s kindness, you mooch.

I felt bad for Tamra when she was moving and came across her wedding stuff in front of Eddie. That’s never easy. Even if you’ve moved on, coming across something that suddenly makes unexpected memories to rush back to you like that is tough. Maybe that’s why she completely ripped Fernanda’s face off for using the word ‘disappointed’ in regards to missing her Citizenship Party, whether Fernanda is a Stage 5 clinger or not…. I was like YIKES!

All About Aubrey

Good Morning! Boom out of the gate, within the first 30 seconds, Aubrey has pretty much created a patent for talking vibrators with potential celebrity endorsements. HELLLLLOOO. I just made a nice hot cup of decaf Tazo Calm tea and got into bed to watch one of my top 5 favorite trainwrecks before bed and WELL HELLO.  Should have been a shot of tequilla for Christ’s sake.

So in this episode, we find out that not only is Aubrey a Beiber fan, she loves the Celtics! Moving up on my favorite list quite rapidly. Then, THEN! She wears buttpads! I think I need to invest! She goes out with a guy who is the dead ringer for Candyman, the movie that when I was little used to make me wet my pants pre-bladder issues. I still can’t watch that movie without company. The only real difference between Candyman and his lookalike Sean is that Sean uses the word C-U-Next-Tuesday in referring to someone’s mother…. I do say only difference because I’m convinced Sean is most likely a serial killer as well. No one say Candyman 5 times in a mirror. Just.don’t.do.it.

The only difference between this show and Making the Band is the band and Puff Daddy/PDiddy/DiddyDirtyMoney. It’s all the same people helping her – Johnny Wright, her voice coach who looks like Rafiki from Lion King and now instead of Diddy, she’s got Russell Simmons as her guide. I wonder how Puff feels about this show and about Russell Simmons helping her out? In upbeat news, Aundrea from Danity Kane is going to be on the finale next week! Yippee!

Pregnant in Heels

So I kept seeing the trailer for this and wasn’t really interested because as most people know – pregnant bellies make me nauseous. Knowing that behind that shield of skin is a living creature with eyeballs, fingernails and hair that is due to come out of …. ok I’m gonna puke. Seriously. My sister had twins, who I love to death, but one day while sitting on the couch, she said Beth look! I looked and two little foot imprints were showing through stomach. Most people would think that was sweet, I on the other hand wanted to vomit. I felt like she was 10 seconds away from reenacting the scene in Spaceballs when the alien pops out of the guys belly in the diner with a top hat and a cane singing ‘Hello my baby, hello my honey…’ Then a few weeks later, the two little babies were sitting side by side in matching carseats, in little pink clothes with little pink hats and my sisters stomach was back to normal. Like WHAT? Those two things that blink, were just both in your stomach. They blink! They have fingernails! They have hair! All things that are meant for the exterior growing on the INTERIOR. I need a stork. Don’t even get me started on the belly button/umbilical cord situation. Oh God. I’m sweating. I don’t even like having gas, I can’t imagine what I’ll feel like with a baby in the oven floating around doing the backstroke in there. Waah. On a positive note, I would be able to eat cheeseburger subs in mass quantities because I’m eating for two! Must not be that bad…

Here’s the clip of the Spaceballs scene…. Check please!

But anyway, I was watching Bethenny last night and Pregnant in Heels came on right after. I watched it and I AM HOOKED! I love Rosie Pope, Maternity Concierge and how she handles situations. I thought I was crazy, but she deals with some winners! Her job is basically to do whatever expecting parents want her to do in preparation for the birth. In this episode, she dealt with two moms, Sarah and Samantha. With only 4 weeks til delivery, Sarah barely acknowledged she was pregnant. She considered the baby in her belly as a life force sucking parasite and basically put aesthetics before the needs of the baby. I love Rosie and how she doesn’t react expression wise but tells it like it is. I was cringing for her for a minute there when she brought a therapist into Sarah’s house to help them understand why they weren’t preparing for the baby. They were so insulted and it looked like she was going to get crucified but in the end they loved it and little baby boy Fox soon became the center of their universe….exactly the opposite of what they wanted.

Now, let’s talk about Samantha! What a pssssyyyycccchhhoooo!!!! Basically this mom is on her 3rd child and is big into branding. So as she tries to create a branding for her family, she believes it starts with a first impression, which is your name. So she didn’t think that her first two kids names were strong enough, Ella & Ruby, and so she enlists the help of Rosie to help her come up with a marquee name. This is what they do: Rosie has to round up a group of experts to create a think tank of names. They have a poet, a linguistics specialist, a baby blogger, etc. They all come up with a group of names but with guidelines from Samantha of course. This name can not have a j, an e, an r. It must be easy to spell, and can not be decorative. From there, the final names go to a focus group, where Rosie and the parents will watch in a two way mirrored room. This group of people that made up the focus group were some very powerful people in NYC and as parents striving to obtain a successful and powerful brand for their child, these are the people’s opinions they really wanted. Naturally, as control freaks, any time a name that they liked was unliked by someone in the group, Samantha and her husband considered them uneducated and out of tune. So from the focus group, they took the top 3 names to a dinner among friends for some valued feedback. Naturally, when the baby is born, they pick the name that no one wanted and that didn’t even make it to the top 3 list for the friends dinner….so all those groups and efforts were for nothing. Baby Bowen Asher will one day be his own brand….. I’ll keep my eyes peeled.

Moral of the Story: Everyone put your boobs away and watch Pregnant in Heels on again tonight! Tweet #RosiePopeforPresident. It’s trending!

Just a Thought: I think I found something that parallels Keyboard Cat… almost. But it really makes me laugh. I know I’m 3 years behind. So sue me. Dramatic Chipmunk!!

 

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Free Jenelle

As I get older, I can’t hang like I used to. I went to see Rod Stewart and Stevie Nicks on Wednesday – had a couple of drinks and was lucky I could tie my shoes the next day. Is this what it is from here on out? Am I an old lady? I used to be a rockstar. Snooki Waaaaah. I seriously could drink all night, everything and anything I wanted, not sleep and go straight to work without so much as a headache and do it all over again the next night. Now, if I have plans on a Saturday and someone asks me to do something on a Thursday- I’m like, jeez, I really don’t know. But when it comes to going to concerts of people who are light years older than me, I’m all about it and then I blog about it on weekend nights. The rate I’m going, for my 30th birthday this summer, all my girlfriends and I will go out for coffee, take a nap and then a pottery painting class or something. As I type this all out, I realize, I’m the Webster’s definition of a loser. Woe is me.

Housewives of Orange County

Anyone else think that fame got to Gretchen? I mean I guess I can’t see why for any of these reality stars, why it wouldn’t – but slow down girl. She’s very abrasive this year. I liked her much better when she was dating a 95 year old man. I’m getting tired of Slade, her cackle, wearing a bikini top as a t-shirt, the zit-mole on her cheek and the confessional of her looking like she’s on the show Designing Women with her fushia flower shirt and her curly pony tail to the side. She’s really annoying me lately.  But it all makes sense when they show her dad in the latest episode…. ewww. They go out to lunch and the waitress, who can’t be more than 19 years old, introduces herself as Sam. His reply? As in like, with an S and an M? YUCK. Get the pepper spray, Sam! Now I know where Gretchen gets it from.

At last years reunion Alexis and Jim talked about how he was unhappy with how controlling he appeared to be and how it isn’t really like that. Thank God they cleared the air because I’m not sure how I would’ve taken the threat he gave her about not letting her new dress line interfere with her responsibility to him and to the kids if they hadn’t done that. She said that he fronted the money but the second it took the time she’s supposed to focus on her family away, he’s pulling the money out and the dress line away from her. Way to make her dreams happen, Jim.. And wait. Wait. The dress line is for women like her to do the errands they run, to the mall, grocery store, etc. I don’t know about you – but we here in New England get Ugg slippers and pass them off as cute loafers and wear them with our sweatpants and run errands. That’s about as fancy as our errands get. I hope she has one hell of a marketing director for the East Coast.

Vicky and Tamra go to Cabo in this episode because the fights with Simon last season didn’t seem to help anyone’s relationship. For a second there, I thought I was watching Housewives of Atlanta when Vicky asked Tamra to write friendship vows and read them to her on the beach the next day. This is like the friendship contract for NeNe and Cynthia. Naturally, Tamra didn’t do it because that 40 something year old was too busy during the day having people do body shots off her stomach. Hey, guys. I know you’ve had a shit ton of plastic surgery but you aren’t on MTV Spring Break. Knock it off. You’re almost 50. Well, I mean, I guess good for them, being older and doing all that – but my only two goals when I’m that age is to find at least one pair of button and zip fly pants that fit me and to have all of my own teeth. Only time will tell.

Bethenny Ever After

Speaking of 40 year olds, Bethenny in this episode is about to turn 40. Instead of doing body shots in a bikini on a pool bar in Mexico, she goes out with her girlfriends, gets going on planning a party and agrees to take on the show ‘Skating with the Stars’.  Go big or go home, huh? The best part of the whole episode was when she goes to the skate shop to get fitted for skates and check out outfits and a little 10 year old Scott Hamilton Jr. know-it-all was in there giving her pointers and basically belittling her current skating abilities. He’s asking if she can skate on one foot, she says I can do that, is that impressive to people? He says Oh yes with a ‘tude like how pathetic and sad she is.  I loved it – he’s a snobby 50 year old trapped in a 10 year old male figure skating body. What’s not to love? Later on in the episode, she meets her ice husband, Ethan. As it turns out, Ethan has a famous crotch as he was the body double for Jon Heder in Blades of Glory. Go ice husband!

Teen Mom 2 Finale

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s what everyone has hoped for since the very first episode and the highlight of the MTV Teen Mom series. Jenelle gets arrested!! Woo hoo!  Our favorite little life-mess gets thrown in the slammer for breaking & entering and possession of marijuana. When I heard breaking & entering, I lit up like a Christmas tree… that was way more than I was expecting! She never ceases to amaze me. The best part was when she called her mom and it was so casual. Hey I’m in jail? What are you doing in there? She might as well’ve been running errands with Alexis from HWoOC. When she gets home and gets to talking with her mom about her behavior, her mom starts crying and Jenelle, who I am 100% convinced is completely heartless, is like Ok, sorry mom. I’m surprised her mother hasn’t been hospitalized yet – either from the stress of her daughter or the pitch of her own voice causing her a massive brain aneurysm…. and all Jenelle can say is basically, my bad. Is it too late to put her up for adoption? And she got Keifer out of jail. Shocker. Seriously, adoption?

How about that wedding of Leah & Corey?? I got so excited when I saw the camo vests and lime green ties on the ushers and then the bridesmaids carrying the electric candles down the aisle! Made me realize that I haven’t blogged about Big Redneck Wedding in a while – or even better, the spinoff, Big Redneck Baby. I’ll put it on my to-do list. In all honesty, they are so cute, their whole little family, even if they are hillbilly-ish. My favorite rednecks, by far. I would bet that they’ll get their own spinoff eventually, what do you guys think?

Jersey Shore Reunion

This is short and sweet, so bullet points are in order.

1 – Did Jwow get botox?? Her face looked tight and shiney. Oh c’mon. Head out of the gutter, people.

2 – Glad Deena got to clarify that behind that hot mess is a genuine good person and for the record she’d like to clear the air about the barber shop rumor. Go girl!

3- If you don’t already know, I really hate Ronnie. He’s annoying in the reunion – trying to be smug, I hate his cocky-want-to-punch-it-off-his-face smirk he so arrogantly wears, how he bites his nails and claps obnoxiously. He’s trying to be a prick on tv… like it’s attractive or something. I hate him.

4 – Could the host make any more uncomfortable transition statements? Oh my God, right before every commercial it was a line like, “come right back even if it’s GTL time!” or “now take the chicken tortellini out of the oven and come right back!” or after talking about Mike’s strange relationship with Jenni’s dogs, it was “don’t go anywhere even if you have to whisper to your dog.” WHAT? Ok we get it.

5- I really can’t wait for Italy!

Moral of the Story: Friendship contracts are out. Camo is in.

Just a Thought: Secretly love that Charlie Sheen bombed in Detroit this weekend. He hasn’t tweeted since before the show. Winning? Eh, notsomuch. I watched most of the show on youtube today. Thank god I saved my would-be ticket money for wine.

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