Bootlegs & Lysol Wipes

I did dinner and some shopping last night with Pauline and when I got home, Miah and I decided we’d put on a bootleg copy of Black Swan that one of our friends let us borrow. We heard it was weird but figured with the ballet scenes and stuff, it’d be easy enough to fall asleep to. Yeah, ok. 3am we are both up and the movie is over, sitting there frozen like someone zapped us with a 50,000 volt taser and sucked all the blood out of our bodies. I won’t spoil it for those of you who haven’t seen it, but WTF? It’s the type of movie you need to talk about afterwards, you know, after you sit there in silence for 3 solid minutes not blinking, feeling like you need a tetanus shot. Annnnd then I had a nightmare. So, thanks, Natalie Portman. Note to self, just stick to Dumb and Dumber for reliable pre-bedtime movies. Why can’t someone lend me a bootleg copy of Never Say Never for God’s sake?

Teen Mom 2

The past few episodes of this show really makes me wonder if Jenelle knows she’s being followed by a camera crew. I understand she’s 16 but I’m still confused. On her first date with Kiefer when they get ice cream that she makes him lick her melting cone several times -um, ew.. I mean I know you’ve swapped spit and most likely other bodily fluids prior to this excursion but I don’t know. Ice cream and popcorn are my babies. I hate to share most things in my life, but those two are top of the list. I would NEVER share an ice cream cone. Ice cream in a bowl with a spoon…maybe. Cone? No way. It’s just one of those things in my world that is right up there with a mama bird regurgitating what’s in her stomach for her baby. Like… I’m good…all set. And no lie, if I ever have kids and their cone is dripping on a hot summer day, it’s gonna drip if I don’t have a napkin. I’m not licking it and they can’t have a taste of mine. My flesh and blood or not, I’m not sharing my ice cream cone or saving yours. So when she met him yesterday and then made him lick her ice cream then smeared it on the picnic table (and like the sinner she is, wasted a perfectly good scoop as it fell to the ground), I wanted to smack her unshaped eyebrows off her face.

The hickeys, Kiefer’s arm bandages in the most recent episode, and her mom flipping about financial aid forms for no reason. This family needs indoor voices, necklaces that aren’t made of hemp, stress balls, Calgon and a therapy session.

Honestly, other than Chelsea’s boyfriend Adam’s sleeveless shirts which he’s hand cut into so deep that they look like high school wrestling unitards, I black out after I see Jenelle. Kalyn and Joe bore me and there isn’t anything to joke about with the twins situation. I feel bad Chelsea’s friend Morgan moved out because she’ll probably find out pretty soon that once a dick, always a dick… but she’s young, so baby or not, she hasn’t realized that yet. I hope she can eventually save her friendship, because she’s really mastered how to take advantage of that girl babysitting-wise. It’d be a shame to let that go. And it’s really too bad Adam ruins everything…. father/daughter relationships, friendships, perfectly good tshirts, etc.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion

I’ll make this quick.

I loved how cute Rihanna looked. Oh, I mean Kandi. She’s so cute.

Can you believe Kim is writing a book about how to land your own Big Pappa? WHAT? So, how to perfect the art of gold-digging, really? Didn’t you not land Big Pappa? You accidentally landed a 25 year old 5th round draft pick for the NFL by getting pregnant. Score! I think I’ll write a book about something I didn’t do too. I could write about dressing my Shih Tzu Henry up in costumes when I’m bored and how he loves me enough to just play dead and make his limbs go limp so they are easy to work with. OR I could write about how to go into CVS for only toothpaste and leave with press-on nails, a heating pad, tissue paper, socks, 2 chapsticks, pens, a hairbrush, a humidifier, a home wax kit, Crest white strips and never ever remember the toothpaste.  OR I could write about how to make a weekly meal plan and gym schedule and set your alarm every morning and then press snooze 95 times and completely miss the gym and breakfast all together. Well, wait, this is everything that I do do, so I need to write about stuff that I don’t do…What could it be? Suggestions? I mean the list is unlimited. I really don’t do much so the world is my oyster.

I’m not even going to talk about the race issue that was brought up and the whole consuming of canned foods because of a white household nonsense. I have to keep my blood pressure stable since I haven’t recovered from the Bieber episode of Glee this week. I’ve got the fever.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

How do I get RuPaul’s body? Seriously. This man has the best female body I’ve ever seen.

So the challenge was to basically do a news cast including a weather girl, gossip girl, an interviewer and two anchors for QNN News Station. I didn’t love this episode this much because it wasn’t as over the top as it usually is. I like my drag queens to be obnoxious. I did however love that Maria asked the guest celebrity, Kristin Cavalleri, if she was really a genetic woman. Big highlight. I’m not a fan.

In the end it was between Stacey and India in the Lip Sync for your Life. The song? Meeting in the Ladies Room. Wonderful choice for any gay lip sync-er and I thought they did a great job. Sadly, India had to Sashay, Away. I think Stacey should have gone but that was just me. In any event, Condragulations!

Jersey Shore

First off, the anonymous undies they found in the bathroom…. they pick them up with a stick because they don’t want to physically touch them. Then rest them for viewing on the community beanbag. Did anyone else notice that? From this point forward, whenever they show the beanbag or someone sitting on it, I’m going to shudder to myself. Although I’m sure none of them are concerned about herpes or crabs anymore, for what it’s worth, Lysol Wet Wipes are $4 a container, FYI.

I hate Ronnie. One whinebag goes home and now we get another one? Enough already! He’s flipping out that the girls moved Sammi’s stuff and says that the girls should only get involved if it involves them. Um, did you see what I saw last week? You involved every single person in the house. In fact, you both were physically restrained by all of your roommates.. but you must have forgot when your Xandrine trip bed throwing roid rage breakdown cloaked you in pure blindness and loss of cognizance. He felt weird that he was at Karma without Sam…. did you miss her or miss having something to be mad about in order to have someone to make up with? Snap out of it and stop clogging the toilet.

They made one of the main storylines of the episode Deena’s constipation. They kept talking about it and clearly it made her emotional about everything toward the end and Ronnie needed to console her by saying the most comforting thing that any girl would want to hear, ” We are picking on you because you are like the baby sister we never wanted.” So sweet. Such touch. But immediately after the show ended, my Facebook status was ‘So, wait, did Deena ever take a shit or what?’ I mean, I am not the least bit concerned about her bowel movements, but if you’re going to make it a major issue, I’m going to be curious. Hey MTV, in school your essays needed to have a conclusion. You fail.

American Idol

I’m pumped that Sideshow Bob (Brett is his name I think) made it through, Lauren Aliania, Scottie McCrevy and a few other of my fav’s got through. If the kid Jaycee who looks EXACTLY like little Chris Farley in Tommy Boy didn’t make it through I was going to lose it. I don’t think he’s going to win, but I think America will keep him around for a while. Or at the rate I vote when I watch this show, I’ll single handedly keep him around for a few weeks. You’re welcome. I’m proud of him – he’s totally turning around the stereotype for chubby male teenagers with yellowish teeth who sing… he’s going to get so much boy-band ass when he goes home. Good for you, kid. You deserve it.

Moral of the Story: Be careful what you do with ice cream cones and beanbag chairs. Germs spread quick.

Thought of the Day: Friday I’m in Puerto Rico and cruise bound… can’t wait! This will be me, minus the puppets.

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1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    Pauline said,

    I cannot get enough if that video of the baby with the puppets…awesome. Your DVR is going to be full to the brim next week, huh?


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