Archive for Bad Girls Club

I’m back, bitches.

I’m back and alive… just a tanner, fatter version of me. You know, I was upset with myself that I wasn’t going to the gym more and instead, I was eating my body weight in steak and cheese subs and potato skins before the cruise… but it’s actually a good thing I did. I don’t think I was fully prepared for the endless amount of food you consume on a cruise. I mean I’m always game to challenging myself to an eating contest any day of the week, but if I didn’t unconsciously prepare with the subs and skins ahead of time, I really wouldn’t have been able to make myself as proud as I did on the trip. I gained a solid 4.5 pounds and if the thought of missing a meal or being late to a meal crossed Miah’s mind – I flipped my shit on him. When you build up my tolerance at an endless buffet like that, I’m going to get feisty and flip if you tamper with it. God help him and those dear to me when I become pregnant. I’m going to let myself (really) go and eat anything that’s not tied down. Can’t wait! (Well for the eating part, not the human-growing-in-my-stomach-being-a-parent-changing-diapers-vaginal-stitches part).

All the islands were gorgeous, the people were amazing, and clearly the food was unbelievable. It was such a great time! It’s good to be home though. I loved vacation but now I’m freezing, peeling, and starving with no buffet.  And of course, now I feel like I need another vacation to catch up on my DVR. Talk about stress! Holy crap. There aren’t enough hours in the day. So I decided I’m starting fresh with a diet, the gym and with my shows, if I miss some, I miss some… please forgive me.

Jersey Shore

I know in the previous week’s episode Sammi came back, they put cheese in Mike’s bed in retaliation for sending Snooki and Deena to NYC in a cab, and Ronnie continued to call Snooki, Schnookie solely to irritate the crap out of me. But in this past episode, it was much, much more entertaining…except for the lack of Teddy Graham boxes and 4C juice tins in the kitchen this time around. If you keep your eyes peeled in most episodes, you can get a good idea of how these glamazons stay in tip top shape diet-wise.

Mike let the dogs, Lean Cuisine and Juice Box, let loose. I like those names because I like food. Stupid me just stuck with Henry… although it suits him, second time around I’m going to go with Tuna Melt or Cool Ranch Dorito. Genius. Those little bastards were eating like me on the cruise minus it being served in a trash bag – even though I wouldn’t have refused it that way.

Did you see when Pauly and Vinny were leaving Vinny’s house after dinner? I tried to count but it went to fast. There were at least 85-90 people on his front lawn. That’s his family for a no-reason dinner! It’s not even Thanksgiving! I don’t even know that many people and I can bet my ass that even if I did, I couldn’t get them to eat dinner with me for no reason. Boo.

And as predicted, Ronnie and Sam got back together and 20 minutes later they were fighting and broke up. All because she couldn’t admit that she was texting with a guy named Arvin that looked like an anteater. I would have admitted it, I mean the texts are proof, but then I would have been dying laughing at him for getting jealous at that. Would have chalked the whole thing up to being a joke on him. She needs some lessons – in relationships as well as wearing a proper bra with a strappy backed dress. Drives me nuts in every club scene.

Naturally, the roommates couldn’t take it…. Mike saying that Ronnie was crying on his shoulder, calling for roses, listening to Michael Bolton and Vinny and Pauly with the GTF – Gym Tanning Find out who Sammi is texting or GTI – Gym Tanning I’m not buying it.  I’m more GTG – Gym Tanning Give up on this relationship already because I’d rather be jealous and watch the dogs eat out of the trash. I’m starving!

Bad Girls Club

I go on vacation and Ashley is gone and there is a blonde from Jersey out of nowhere? Me no likey. I don’t like this new girl, Jennifer. Now I know it could be because I missed the episode where she actually showed up and am too overwhelmed by my DVR to find it, but I don’t care. Who does she think she is showing up while I’m away? Tisk, tisk. She goes insane when there is a cricket in the room when she is on the phone…like seriously insane. About as insane as I get when I see a car decorated with a wreath or like Rudolph for Christmas….that intense. Then how about when she yells at the even newer girl that came in this episode and called her a replacement. Uh, isn’t that exactly what you are? I get it. Jersey is becoming trendy. I mean, not trendy enough for anyone to actually move there, but good TV trendy. This girl needs to go back there and get locked in a room full of crickets. It’s sad when I think Nikki is possibly more tolerable than her. POSSIBLY.

I haven’t been a fan of Jess since the very beginning. With the hair gel, the open flannels over a tight half shirt, the baggy pants… you’d think she was an extra in TLC’s Creep video. But then her brother Aaron showed up! Jackpot! He’s like a Jersey guido and she’s the girl from your high school in 1995 that you didn’t want to F with – what a fam! Let’s just go over how she described him in her confessional, “he’s like me just twice as raw.” What the hell does that even mean? Is raw not being able to hold your liquor, not wearing a wedding ring, peeing in your sister’s roommate’s bed, and then getting up, taking off your banana hammock and falling asleep on the floor naked with your legs crossed? So raw. Well actually, who am I kidding… a few years back I was very raw.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Why can’t I be as pretty and talented as a drag queen? I’m jealous of their bodies, their makeup ability and fashion sense. Boo. In any event, this week’s challenge was to do a PSA about why they love the USA to be sent overseas to the troops. I hope the troops appreciate it as much as I would! The guest judges for this challenge were supermodel, Cheryl Tiegs, and my arch nemisis, figure skater, Johnny Weir. I would like Johnny, but sadly that faux-hawk haired bastard bullied the crap out of my all time favorite reality star, Bethenny Frankel on Skating with the Stars. Yes, I watched that and yes, I would text my votes in for her. Bethenny got robbed on that show and I’ll never forgive Johnny for it. Never. I don’t care if he is on RuPaul’s Drag Race and wearing black leather finger gloves or if Skating with the Stars doesn’t come back for another season… his opinion is null and void to me. Bastard. And just to put emphasis on just how sucky his opinions really are, here is an example: he told one of the queens, that in their PSA there wasn’t a lot of class or integrity. Dude, the definition of integrity is honesty in your character. I think anyone who has the ability to tape their penaso up so well that you can confuse someone into thinking that you are of a different sex and then hand sew a red white and blue unitard to prove their adoration for our country and leave absolutely no sign of that penaso, well, I think they are being pretty honest in their character as a drag queen. Go back to figure skating, Weir. You suck.

The winner of the challenge was Alexis and rightly so… she Swarovski bedazzled the shit out of her ex-boyfriend’s military jacket. Meow. Unfortunately, Ru threw a wrench in the plan and made the two queens up for elimination lip sync for their life to Mickey by Tony Basil….IN SPANISH. Dun, dun DUNNNNN! Lip Sync para tu vida!! Another thing to admire about a drag queen is that they are freakin’ bilingual. Waah! I want to be a drag queen! Luckily, for the first time in the show’s history, both the ladies got to stay. But guess what? Who cares about them?! Jody Watley is next week’s judge! She better have on hoops, a tulle skirt and cat eyed makeup. Play us out Jody!

 

Moral of the Story: GTD – Gym Tanning Don’t even bother setting up your DVR when you go away on vacation… you’ll never catch up.

Just a Thought: I just saw a commercial for Cadbury Creme Eggs and almost peed my pants.

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From Earth to Uranus

I have a cold and when my sinuses are congested, my gums kill. I heard that your sinuses drain into your gums, so it makes sense. But I feel like I’m teething. I keep biting on my fingers, I look like the thumb sucker from My Strange Addiction these days. I’m gonna have to buy a package of pens and start chewing… if not, the legs of my dining room chairs, well, their days are numbered.

Tonight is my first rehearsal for the Flash Mob, I was wrong on the original date. I’m going with my friend Erica from high school and I’m super pumped. I hope there is a dance move where I can chew on a piece of furniture for gum pain relief. In celebration of this practice, I’m getting a Steak & Cheese for lunch. Gotta fluff up that second roll. No, I did a favor for my sister this morning and as a reward, she has food on the way. She knows me so well.

My Big Redneck Wedding

I don’t know if this is a repeat or not, but this episode is right up there with Allison the Huffer on Intervention in my Hall of Fame. If the bride’s favorite food wasn’t squirrel and wasn’t obsessed with road kill, we could be friends. She seemed like someone you would want in your group of friends. In any event, let’s go over the highlights, shall we?

1. He proposed to her as she was eating a PB&J sandwich.

2. The couple went into the woods to find squirrels to hunt and kill, so they could stuff them, dress them in their matching b&g camo attire  and naturally, use them as the cake toppers.

3. Empty Bud Light cans served as the tiers for the cake.

4. After driving around, they came across a dead armadillo with it’s guts all out on the road. Immediately they stopped and picked it up because it would look lovely on the aisle.

5. She shot her bouquet to the crowd of single ladies out of a potato gun.

6. Seats for the guests were haystacks.

7. The main entree for the event was grilled squirrel and cans of Bud heavies.

8. The bride wanted to have centerpieces that symbolized each of their personalities. So naturally, they went to the freezer to see which animals they had in there for stock that they could stuff and dress that would represent each of them. What’s in the freezer, you ask? ‘Coons, a bobcat, squirrels (obvi), ducks, etc… you know, what most people keep in their freezer.

9. The men wore camo button ups and the girls made their entrances on ATV’s.

10. The spoken theme for the wedding was “Camo and Taxidermy.”

11. Naturally, when it was the bride’s turn to read her vows, she pulled the paper they were written on out of her bra.

Basically, the best episode ever.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

The theme of this episode was Drag Queens in Outer Space. The ladies had to break into two teams and then act out the plays: “From Earth to Ur-anus” and “Return to Ur-anus”. This wasn’t my favorite episode, there wasn’t too much going on. Well, minus when Delta was talking about his friendship with one of the girls and he said, she knows everything, like how many cab drivers I’ve slept with. YES. Now, that’s friendship. In the end Phoenix was sent home and had to sashay away after a failed attempt at the Lip Sync for your Life to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance. The ladies got to use hand crafted breast plates for this challenge and Ru even gave it a plug…boobsforqueens.com. How about Boobs for Beth? What about me? WHAT ABOUT ME?? It’s not fair that these queens have better everything than I do. Makeup skills, outfits, heels, taxi connections and now boobs. Unfair.

Bad Girls Club

Luckily, after the Beanpot last night there was a rerun of BGC. This episode picked up where the kitchen fight with Ashley left off. I’ll just say this: security ruins everything. It could have been even better than it was if they didn’t have to send people in to break it up. I mean, I don’t condone violence, but if someone knocked Nikki unconscious, I wouldn’t hate it.

Nikki just really sucks. I know this is clear, but I don’t know how anyone can live in that house with her. She’s so annoying. Did you see her kissing that guy? Ewww… clearly that was her first kiss and she didn’t know what she was doing. And, “bro” you live in a house with a bunch of girls… can not ONE of them tell her that skin tight toga dresses aren’t meant for linebackers? I’m not making a fat joke, she’s literally a linebacker for a football team. God I can’t stand her! She hops around, trying to be annoying (nails it) – says Bro all the time, sticks her tongue out when she thinks she does something cool, wears sunglasses on top of her head and another pair on her eyes. EVERYONE KNOWS I HATE WHEN PEOPLE WEAR SUNGLASSES INDOORS. As I sit and type this, I feel my blood pressure rising. Then….THEN! She got GTL tattooed inside her lip. You are a loser.

The thing I don’t understand about reality shows these days is that a season wouldn’t be complete if they didn’t get a vacation. Um, aren’t you technically on a vacation? So of course, they sent these ladies in this episode to San Francisco. I don’t get it. But what was hilarious was that when they got there, Jessica was flipping out about how sweet the hotel was. Let me break it down… it was basically a Comfort Inn. She was like OMG this place is sick! Look, a security lock box! OMG air conditioning! Hmm.. I’m beginning to wonder how she made an audition video to get on this show if she hasn’t ever seen obvious things  before. Jess, have you ever seen a computer? Or a video camera? Do you even have cable? How did you hear about this show, anyway?

Then Nikki put a bump-it in the very front of her hair about 7 inches off the top. Everyone was like I’m not hanging out with you. She thought she looked good. Mind you she just got the GTL tattoo and was wearing a toga dress. She obviously thinks she is Snooki. I hate her even more. If she gets a Thug Life trucker hate, I’m going to get an address and find some Anthrax.

Moral of the Story: Don’t wear sunglasses indoors. It doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look like more of a loser.

Just a Thought: Only two people in the world should have mustaches. Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. That’s why I just became a fan of the page for Tom Selleck’s Mustache on FB.

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Free Snooki

Hi kids. Hope you’re all doing well today! I’ve been getting some emails, texts and Facebook posts about showing the picture of my head from the story I posted yesterday. I am the most squeamish person alive so I was hesitant to put them up last night in case other people had a weak stomach like me, but ok…. you asked for it!

Hole in my head, NBD.

Sorry, I know it’s gross. The cut looked like an unseasoned piece of tuna steak. It is a little sore today, but the bigger problem I have going is the bruise that formed right under my female sideburn. Sweet. Just what I need, something to accentuate my facial hair. As if my unwaxed eyebrows weren’t bad enough… If I keep this up, I’ll be single soon.

So let’s talk about some reality tv, shall we? Two of my non-Bravo favorites were on last night and then I caught a repeat of another fav today. Let’s go!

Jersey Shore

Could Sammi suck any more? Go home. Granted, I am positive I used to act like that in high school, (HIGH SCHOOL), like needy, clingy and annoying (keep your comments to yourself on the annoying…), did the mind games with my boyfriend if he was out of my sight for 10 minutes but that’s what you do at that age when you begin your first real relationship. I know not all situations are like that, but this girl is in her 20’s and although her relationship must bring up many trust issues that we can’t relate to not being in the spotlight and having temptation in your face more than the average person, but with all that considered… she still really sucks.

Ronnie is a goon in my opinion, but I think in Miami, he realized that the thing about being on a reality show is that everything you do is taped for everyone to see, including his girlfriend. So, he’s clearly on his best behavior this season. You have to give him credit for catching on to how cameras and television work… I mean, he IS made of Xenadrine and hair gel, give the kid a break.

But last night when out of nowhere she had a feeling he was up to something and tried to get him to admit it, I felt bad for him. I hate that feeling when you know you’ve done nothing wrong but someone thinks that you’re guilty. He probably had some bad dairy and had to take a #2, was out of her sight for 30 minutes (or 45 depending on the magazine) and is now being punished for it. I mean, this kid is with her 24/7 whether it be at the gym (when he lifts and she does the speed/incline level 1 on the Obviously he finds this relationship exciting.treadmill for easy stalking visibility) or laying flat on his back staring at the ceiling in her bed when she doesn’t feel like socializing…. his life has sucked dating her and the world sees it. Not to mention he’s probably getting bedsores. Eww.

On to my favorite life-mess, Snooki. I know I’ve had this conversation with my group of girlfriends before – about how she’s annoying or whatever, but ask yourself this question: what would JS be without her? I think the stars aligned when this cast (minus Angelina and Deena) of characters came together. I can’t imagine it any other way. What’s not to love about her? I know she’s slightly over the top, but she is who she is. She likes smoking, ‘gorilla juiceheads’, wearing animal slippers in public and then wearing those same slippers to bed, Ed Hardy hats, and letting old men take body shots off of her – everything I am completely against, but I don’t know, people like that hold a special place in my heart. Hence, my obsession with Britney Spears during the K-Fed years. I can’t help but love her.

You can tell that the JS kids have made it solely by the way their boss Danny is with them this season. The first season Angelina was kicked off the show because she refused to go to work, but this season when Snooki showed up in a blanket and slippers, snuck beers in the back room, and then left to go get deep fried pickles and a Long Island Iced Tea, Danny kind of laughed it off. I think he had to, I mean they have probably made that t-shirt shop a huge tourist attraction. I know if I ever go to the Jersey Shore (which is most likely never), I’m going there and getting the most obnoxious-rhinestoned-Armani Exchange-replica t-shirt to wear on Jersdays in replacement of my JS drinking game t-shirt my sister made me and the “I punched Snooki” t-shirt I got two Christmas’ ago from a co-worker. I need something a little more authentic.

Obviously the highlight of the episode was Snooki getting arrested and Deena crying about it. God love her, and God love JWow for running into the ocean to save the Gucci bag. That could have been a disaster and I respect her priorities.

Waaahhh

Grenade

Bad Girls Club *Disclaimer – I don’t condone violence, but this show is like a boxing match and you have to root for someone*

I love this show, it  is pretty much everything that I should be against as a Women Studies major, but like the Snooki/Britney thing – I can’t help it. For those of you who watch it, what do you think about Nikki? I can’t believe no one has ripped her eyeballs out I'm a tomboy, bro. yet. They voted her out of the house but she won’t leave which um, hello – do you realize that you signed up for a show that historically is full of ladies that will pour bleach on your bed and throw your luggage in the pool if they don’t like you? Looks like we’re going to have another Ronnie/Sammi situation here and Nikki won’t be leaving her bed anytime soon. Peeing? No. Making a sandwich? No way. Showering? Absolutely not. And those are just activities that are around the house. Good luck with that one, bro.

She drives me insane. And I’m telling you right now that if the limo scene in this episode took place 3 years ago in Jose McIntyre’s right around midnight, let’s just say she’d be outnumbered by a group of girls with a small amount of patience. Luckily, she’s from Jersey, much younger than me and my friends and I are in a much mature place these days…allegedly.

Since this season is only on the 2nd episode, I don’t have too much to report. Except Nikki needs to go home and I can’t wait until next Monday’s episode to see how the violent mosh-pit in the kitchen shakes out. Giggity, giggity.

Jerseylicious

Let’s just say until I saw this most recent episode, I did not like Frankie. The sleeveless t’s, no sideburns (if I have them, men should have them), the emotionless demeanor and almost inaudible slur of a voice that reminds me of Casey Affleck trying to speak der.normally…. it’s all a little too much for me. HOWEVER, there was redemption when in attempt to mend a fight with Gigi, he brought her somewhere to talk about it….Sonic. He’s out of the dog house in my book and I hope he got the corndog.

Moral of the Story: If you don’t want to be there or aren’t wanted, don’t be there – or go to Sonic and talk about it.

Just a Thought: I watched Oprah today in Australia and koala bears are actually really, really ugly but because they cuddle people think they are cute. I guess that explains a couple of my past boyfriends.

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