Archive for Teen Mom 2

Free Jenelle

As I get older, I can’t hang like I used to. I went to see Rod Stewart and Stevie Nicks on Wednesday – had a couple of drinks and was lucky I could tie my shoes the next day. Is this what it is from here on out? Am I an old lady? I used to be a rockstar. Snooki Waaaaah. I seriously could drink all night, everything and anything I wanted, not sleep and go straight to work without so much as a headache and do it all over again the next night. Now, if I have plans on a Saturday and someone asks me to do something on a Thursday- I’m like, jeez, I really don’t know. But when it comes to going to concerts of people who are light years older than me, I’m all about it and then I blog about it on weekend nights. The rate I’m going, for my 30th birthday this summer, all my girlfriends and I will go out for coffee, take a nap and then a pottery painting class or something. As I type this all out, I realize, I’m the Webster’s definition of a loser. Woe is me.

Housewives of Orange County

Anyone else think that fame got to Gretchen? I mean I guess I can’t see why for any of these reality stars, why it wouldn’t – but slow down girl. She’s very abrasive this year. I liked her much better when she was dating a 95 year old man. I’m getting tired of Slade, her cackle, wearing a bikini top as a t-shirt, the zit-mole on her cheek and the confessional of her looking like she’s on the show Designing Women with her fushia flower shirt and her curly pony tail to the side. She’s really annoying me lately.  But it all makes sense when they show her dad in the latest episode…. ewww. They go out to lunch and the waitress, who can’t be more than 19 years old, introduces herself as Sam. His reply? As in like, with an S and an M? YUCK. Get the pepper spray, Sam! Now I know where Gretchen gets it from.

At last years reunion Alexis and Jim talked about how he was unhappy with how controlling he appeared to be and how it isn’t really like that. Thank God they cleared the air because I’m not sure how I would’ve taken the threat he gave her about not letting her new dress line interfere with her responsibility to him and to the kids if they hadn’t done that. She said that he fronted the money but the second it took the time she’s supposed to focus on her family away, he’s pulling the money out and the dress line away from her. Way to make her dreams happen, Jim.. And wait. Wait. The dress line is for women like her to do the errands they run, to the mall, grocery store, etc. I don’t know about you – but we here in New England get Ugg slippers and pass them off as cute loafers and wear them with our sweatpants and run errands. That’s about as fancy as our errands get. I hope she has one hell of a marketing director for the East Coast.

Vicky and Tamra go to Cabo in this episode because the fights with Simon last season didn’t seem to help anyone’s relationship. For a second there, I thought I was watching Housewives of Atlanta when Vicky asked Tamra to write friendship vows and read them to her on the beach the next day. This is like the friendship contract for NeNe and Cynthia. Naturally, Tamra didn’t do it because that 40 something year old was too busy during the day having people do body shots off her stomach. Hey, guys. I know you’ve had a shit ton of plastic surgery but you aren’t on MTV Spring Break. Knock it off. You’re almost 50. Well, I mean, I guess good for them, being older and doing all that – but my only two goals when I’m that age is to find at least one pair of button and zip fly pants that fit me and to have all of my own teeth. Only time will tell.

Bethenny Ever After

Speaking of 40 year olds, Bethenny in this episode is about to turn 40. Instead of doing body shots in a bikini on a pool bar in Mexico, she goes out with her girlfriends, gets going on planning a party and agrees to take on the show ‘Skating with the Stars’.  Go big or go home, huh? The best part of the whole episode was when she goes to the skate shop to get fitted for skates and check out outfits and a little 10 year old Scott Hamilton Jr. know-it-all was in there giving her pointers and basically belittling her current skating abilities. He’s asking if she can skate on one foot, she says I can do that, is that impressive to people? He says Oh yes with a ‘tude like how pathetic and sad she is.  I loved it – he’s a snobby 50 year old trapped in a 10 year old male figure skating body. What’s not to love? Later on in the episode, she meets her ice husband, Ethan. As it turns out, Ethan has a famous crotch as he was the body double for Jon Heder in Blades of Glory. Go ice husband!

Teen Mom 2 Finale

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s what everyone has hoped for since the very first episode and the highlight of the MTV Teen Mom series. Jenelle gets arrested!! Woo hoo!  Our favorite little life-mess gets thrown in the slammer for breaking & entering and possession of marijuana. When I heard breaking & entering, I lit up like a Christmas tree… that was way more than I was expecting! She never ceases to amaze me. The best part was when she called her mom and it was so casual. Hey I’m in jail? What are you doing in there? She might as well’ve been running errands with Alexis from HWoOC. When she gets home and gets to talking with her mom about her behavior, her mom starts crying and Jenelle, who I am 100% convinced is completely heartless, is like Ok, sorry mom. I’m surprised her mother hasn’t been hospitalized yet – either from the stress of her daughter or the pitch of her own voice causing her a massive brain aneurysm…. and all Jenelle can say is basically, my bad. Is it too late to put her up for adoption? And she got Keifer out of jail. Shocker. Seriously, adoption?

How about that wedding of Leah & Corey?? I got so excited when I saw the camo vests and lime green ties on the ushers and then the bridesmaids carrying the electric candles down the aisle! Made me realize that I haven’t blogged about Big Redneck Wedding in a while – or even better, the spinoff, Big Redneck Baby. I’ll put it on my to-do list. In all honesty, they are so cute, their whole little family, even if they are hillbilly-ish. My favorite rednecks, by far. I would bet that they’ll get their own spinoff eventually, what do you guys think?

Jersey Shore Reunion

This is short and sweet, so bullet points are in order.

1 – Did Jwow get botox?? Her face looked tight and shiney. Oh c’mon. Head out of the gutter, people.

2 – Glad Deena got to clarify that behind that hot mess is a genuine good person and for the record she’d like to clear the air about the barber shop rumor. Go girl!

3- If you don’t already know, I really hate Ronnie. He’s annoying in the reunion – trying to be smug, I hate his cocky-want-to-punch-it-off-his-face smirk he so arrogantly wears, how he bites his nails and claps obnoxiously. He’s trying to be a prick on tv… like it’s attractive or something. I hate him.

4 – Could the host make any more uncomfortable transition statements? Oh my God, right before every commercial it was a line like, “come right back even if it’s GTL time!” or “now take the chicken tortellini out of the oven and come right back!” or after talking about Mike’s strange relationship with Jenni’s dogs, it was “don’t go anywhere even if you have to whisper to your dog.” WHAT? Ok we get it.

5- I really can’t wait for Italy!

Moral of the Story: Friendship contracts are out. Camo is in.

Just a Thought: Secretly love that Charlie Sheen bombed in Detroit this weekend. He hasn’t tweeted since before the show. Winning? Eh, notsomuch. I watched most of the show on youtube today. Thank god I saved my would-be ticket money for wine.

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Trainwreck.

I really love trainwrecks. It’s sad, but I really can’t get enough. I loved the Britney meltdown, the Mariah hospitalization, Winona Ryder losing it, the Mel Gibson fiasco, the Tom Cruise insanity, Whitney Houston snapping, LiLo’s stuper and liked the Charlie Sheen thing for a minute but he’s currently overboard. A little too trainwrecked for my taste.. I considered for a second about buying a ticket to his tour, but I don’t want to feed anyone’s drug habit, so I’ll stay home with a bottle of wine and online shopping and feed my own habit thankyouverymuch. Hey, I just noticed that all of the above ‘situations’ would make really great band names. I hope that one day when I lose it, which is definitely going to happen (and probably soon), someone forever memorializes my unfortunate state of affairs with a rock band. Bethie goes Bonkers. Catchy. Knowing me and how I flip when I’m hungry or tired or when a child is in my presence….when I do have that breakdown, it’s going to be epic. You guys should probably start practicing for the finale anthem now.

Speaking of trainwrecks….

Teen Mom 2

Jenelle. Oh Jenelle. My favorite little life mess. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1- You make me completely forget that there are other teen moms on the show with you. Corey and Leah’s wedding? Who cares! Adam moved out of Chelsea’s apartment and only left his toolbox and blazer? A clear goldmine of comments, but….so what! Kailyn and Joe hate each other again? Boo Hoo! I mean, Leah’s bachelorette was at her MOTHER’S house where they were putting condoms on bananas and talking about vibrators and instead of being absolutely horrified and holding back puke – I was mentally half there all because I was chomping at the bit for them to show Jenelle and her hemp necklace again.

2 – There is nothing sweeter than baby Ali and her little Mr. Potato Head glasses and the way Corey and Leah are with her…. but I want Jenelle and her mother’s nails-on-a-blackboard-sounds-the-same-talking-as-it-does-yelling voice screeching at her as much as I can possibly get it. Nothing else. I’ll keep the rest of the cast in my prayers, but I feel like Charlie Sheen here. I NEED my Jenelle fix.

3- She knows her mom already hates her, so the next logical thing to do to get her approval in life is to steal her credit card and go on a road trip. Obvi. Then she cries when her mom tells her she mailed back her financial aid check back. Jenelle, you didn’t see that coming? Really? …Really?

4- I firmly believe that when Jace starts talking, his first words will be “Real Nice, Jenelle” – the direct influence of his grandmother and it’ll be the loudest, most Southern, most irritating voice of a child you’ve ever heard in your life.

5- She never thought that not showing up to work and not calling would directly result in her getting fired.

Her lack of common sense, ability to care about anyone else other than herself or her goofy boyfriend Kiefer, and scream-fests with her mother in front of her baby make her a certified candidate for a band named after her. Any suggestions? I can’t wait for the finale tonight… I could pee! Mugshots!!

Bethenny Ever After

I am a little behind with this one which I’m not sure I can forgive myself for since Bethenny Frankel is my all time favorite reality star.  From The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, to HWoNY, to Bethenny Getting Married, to Skating with the Stars, to Bethenny Ever After… I have never missed a show. I am obsessed. So much so that I’m very seriously considering never speaking to my brother-in-law again because he hates her. As a result, our relationship is on the rocks. (Kathy, tell Timmy that… since I’m not speaking to him.)

I get it – she’s opinionated, she’s loud, she’s sarcastic, she can be crude, what she’s thinking is never not written on her face…but she’s the shit and she’s kind. Not a lot of people are kind anymore. Taking care of people – Gina with the mani/pedi and baptism, her assistant with the raise and the makeover, Nick the foodie with you know… just general attention. I completely love her.  However… there is someone I could potentially love more than Bethenny at some point in time…Bryn. In every scene, Bryn’s facial expression never changes and totally sums up my feelings on life – not impressed and unamused.

In regards to Nick – What is the big gay ice cream truck and how do I get it involved in my life? I love gays and I f’in love ice cream. I love that he’ll be her new food blogger for her site. I get tons of healthy recipes off her website, so now I’ll be able to also go to her site and read all about restaurants and food stops that I’ll want to eat at but aren’t even remotely close to where I live and will constantly be let down. Yipee! I actually am more curious about him and the thoughts that go through his mind. Looking forward to it! I almost peed when he scurried across the street to get alcohol for the smoothies and then was pushing the baby carriage. How do I get a Nick?

I feel like the whole Christening situation was one that would completely happen to me. Standing on the street, recollecting myself wearing a ceremonial burnt orange head scarf after my daughter was pseudo-baptized in a Yoruba church after being ripped out of my arms without my consent. Naturally this would take place right around Halloween when Miah and I dressed up as a family of pandas and went trick-or-treating. Sounds about right. I can’t believe my brother in law doesn’t like her. I really don’t know what my sister sees in him.

All About Aubrey

Completely forgot about this trainwreck when I listed them earlier! She went downhill quick. I loved her on Making the Band… then as the time went on, her egos, lips and boobies grew too big for anyone to handle. So sad. Now with her new show, I can see, first hand, that Aubrey O’Day is still criminally insane but trying to get her career back. My kind of television show! Her house is loaded of self portraits, her outfits are cringe-worthy, her relationship with her father is borderline suspect, her dogs are pink and purple and her face only moves from the top lip down. I’m OBSESSED.

I’m working on catching up, but did you see the episode where her father visits? Y-O-W-Z-E-R-S. She warns her friends that he is more of an embarrassing uncle than a father and that he is a cross between Jack Nicholson, a pimp and an old sea captain. I knew this was gonna be good. She takes him to a lesbian bar because he thought for a while that she may be a lesbian…. then later on we see Aubrey and her friend take naked pictures cuddling in a sauna and put it on Twitter. Huh, where would he get that thought? In any event, the lesbian bar is insane – he admits he looked for her only after she got famous, he grinds on her friend, snuggles with Aubrey…. I couldn’t tell if they were trying to make him a likable character because I was 100% creeped out.

I liked the show, but wasn’t positive about how I felt about Aubrey. She puts her dogs in bikinis with chicken cutlets for boost, she wears henna stickers up her arms, and well, of course, her father. But then…. THEN… she went jogging. Jogging, schmogging…. but she was wearing a Beiber shirt!! Immediately, I started following her on Twitter. She won me back. I am now once again a fan of this expressionless gem with no help from PDiddy this time.

Moral of the Story: Trainwrecks are my favorite.

Just a Thought: I bought concert tickets for tomorrow night off of a spiritual medium who “can’t go” to the show. Great. With my luck, she probably saw something unfortunate happen and got herself out of that situation real quick. Just in case, it’s been real peeps.

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Bootlegs & Lysol Wipes

I did dinner and some shopping last night with Pauline and when I got home, Miah and I decided we’d put on a bootleg copy of Black Swan that one of our friends let us borrow. We heard it was weird but figured with the ballet scenes and stuff, it’d be easy enough to fall asleep to. Yeah, ok. 3am we are both up and the movie is over, sitting there frozen like someone zapped us with a 50,000 volt taser and sucked all the blood out of our bodies. I won’t spoil it for those of you who haven’t seen it, but WTF? It’s the type of movie you need to talk about afterwards, you know, after you sit there in silence for 3 solid minutes not blinking, feeling like you need a tetanus shot. Annnnd then I had a nightmare. So, thanks, Natalie Portman. Note to self, just stick to Dumb and Dumber for reliable pre-bedtime movies. Why can’t someone lend me a bootleg copy of Never Say Never for God’s sake?

Teen Mom 2

The past few episodes of this show really makes me wonder if Jenelle knows she’s being followed by a camera crew. I understand she’s 16 but I’m still confused. On her first date with Kiefer when they get ice cream that she makes him lick her melting cone several times -um, ew.. I mean I know you’ve swapped spit and most likely other bodily fluids prior to this excursion but I don’t know. Ice cream and popcorn are my babies. I hate to share most things in my life, but those two are top of the list. I would NEVER share an ice cream cone. Ice cream in a bowl with a spoon…maybe. Cone? No way. It’s just one of those things in my world that is right up there with a mama bird regurgitating what’s in her stomach for her baby. Like… I’m good…all set. And no lie, if I ever have kids and their cone is dripping on a hot summer day, it’s gonna drip if I don’t have a napkin. I’m not licking it and they can’t have a taste of mine. My flesh and blood or not, I’m not sharing my ice cream cone or saving yours. So when she met him yesterday and then made him lick her ice cream then smeared it on the picnic table (and like the sinner she is, wasted a perfectly good scoop as it fell to the ground), I wanted to smack her unshaped eyebrows off her face.

The hickeys, Kiefer’s arm bandages in the most recent episode, and her mom flipping about financial aid forms for no reason. This family needs indoor voices, necklaces that aren’t made of hemp, stress balls, Calgon and a therapy session.

Honestly, other than Chelsea’s boyfriend Adam’s sleeveless shirts which he’s hand cut into so deep that they look like high school wrestling unitards, I black out after I see Jenelle. Kalyn and Joe bore me and there isn’t anything to joke about with the twins situation. I feel bad Chelsea’s friend Morgan moved out because she’ll probably find out pretty soon that once a dick, always a dick… but she’s young, so baby or not, she hasn’t realized that yet. I hope she can eventually save her friendship, because she’s really mastered how to take advantage of that girl babysitting-wise. It’d be a shame to let that go. And it’s really too bad Adam ruins everything…. father/daughter relationships, friendships, perfectly good tshirts, etc.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion

I’ll make this quick.

I loved how cute Rihanna looked. Oh, I mean Kandi. She’s so cute.

Can you believe Kim is writing a book about how to land your own Big Pappa? WHAT? So, how to perfect the art of gold-digging, really? Didn’t you not land Big Pappa? You accidentally landed a 25 year old 5th round draft pick for the NFL by getting pregnant. Score! I think I’ll write a book about something I didn’t do too. I could write about dressing my Shih Tzu Henry up in costumes when I’m bored and how he loves me enough to just play dead and make his limbs go limp so they are easy to work with. OR I could write about how to go into CVS for only toothpaste and leave with press-on nails, a heating pad, tissue paper, socks, 2 chapsticks, pens, a hairbrush, a humidifier, a home wax kit, Crest white strips and never ever remember the toothpaste.  OR I could write about how to make a weekly meal plan and gym schedule and set your alarm every morning and then press snooze 95 times and completely miss the gym and breakfast all together. Well, wait, this is everything that I do do, so I need to write about stuff that I don’t do…What could it be? Suggestions? I mean the list is unlimited. I really don’t do much so the world is my oyster.

I’m not even going to talk about the race issue that was brought up and the whole consuming of canned foods because of a white household nonsense. I have to keep my blood pressure stable since I haven’t recovered from the Bieber episode of Glee this week. I’ve got the fever.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

How do I get RuPaul’s body? Seriously. This man has the best female body I’ve ever seen.

So the challenge was to basically do a news cast including a weather girl, gossip girl, an interviewer and two anchors for QNN News Station. I didn’t love this episode this much because it wasn’t as over the top as it usually is. I like my drag queens to be obnoxious. I did however love that Maria asked the guest celebrity, Kristin Cavalleri, if she was really a genetic woman. Big highlight. I’m not a fan.

In the end it was between Stacey and India in the Lip Sync for your Life. The song? Meeting in the Ladies Room. Wonderful choice for any gay lip sync-er and I thought they did a great job. Sadly, India had to Sashay, Away. I think Stacey should have gone but that was just me. In any event, Condragulations!

Jersey Shore

First off, the anonymous undies they found in the bathroom…. they pick them up with a stick because they don’t want to physically touch them. Then rest them for viewing on the community beanbag. Did anyone else notice that? From this point forward, whenever they show the beanbag or someone sitting on it, I’m going to shudder to myself. Although I’m sure none of them are concerned about herpes or crabs anymore, for what it’s worth, Lysol Wet Wipes are $4 a container, FYI.

I hate Ronnie. One whinebag goes home and now we get another one? Enough already! He’s flipping out that the girls moved Sammi’s stuff and says that the girls should only get involved if it involves them. Um, did you see what I saw last week? You involved every single person in the house. In fact, you both were physically restrained by all of your roommates.. but you must have forgot when your Xandrine trip bed throwing roid rage breakdown cloaked you in pure blindness and loss of cognizance. He felt weird that he was at Karma without Sam…. did you miss her or miss having something to be mad about in order to have someone to make up with? Snap out of it and stop clogging the toilet.

They made one of the main storylines of the episode Deena’s constipation. They kept talking about it and clearly it made her emotional about everything toward the end and Ronnie needed to console her by saying the most comforting thing that any girl would want to hear, ” We are picking on you because you are like the baby sister we never wanted.” So sweet. Such touch. But immediately after the show ended, my Facebook status was ‘So, wait, did Deena ever take a shit or what?’ I mean, I am not the least bit concerned about her bowel movements, but if you’re going to make it a major issue, I’m going to be curious. Hey MTV, in school your essays needed to have a conclusion. You fail.

American Idol

I’m pumped that Sideshow Bob (Brett is his name I think) made it through, Lauren Aliania, Scottie McCrevy and a few other of my fav’s got through. If the kid Jaycee who looks EXACTLY like little Chris Farley in Tommy Boy didn’t make it through I was going to lose it. I don’t think he’s going to win, but I think America will keep him around for a while. Or at the rate I vote when I watch this show, I’ll single handedly keep him around for a few weeks. You’re welcome. I’m proud of him – he’s totally turning around the stereotype for chubby male teenagers with yellowish teeth who sing… he’s going to get so much boy-band ass when he goes home. Good for you, kid. You deserve it.

Moral of the Story: Be careful what you do with ice cream cones and beanbag chairs. Germs spread quick.

Thought of the Day: Friday I’m in Puerto Rico and cruise bound… can’t wait! This will be me, minus the puppets.

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Sashay, Shante.

One of the few non-reality shows that I do watch is Glee. It’s been really annoying that it hasn’t been on in a while, but today I saw a commercial and US magazine posted pictures of the cast in makeup for when they do Thriller by Michael Jackson in the next episode, so I’m doing much better. It’s going to air immediately after the Superbowl on February 6 and they are singing Yeah Yeah Yeah’s too so I’m even more super-pumped. I get really excited when my favorite bands let Glee use their music.

This may seem a little deep for me, but this is more than just a show for me. I think this is the best show on television, in that it has a message in every episode that I hope kids are listening to. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be a teenager these days. I didn’t have Facebook or cell phones. We had pagers (remember writing, 4311 or hell upsidedown, or 80087355 as boobless?) and email came into play my junior year of high school, but barely used it.. but we thought growing up was hard. We got nothing on kids in school now. Kids these days have so many new ways for bullies to stress their dislike and I love that this show takes on topics that might stick out to someone who feels like no one else can relate. The Lady Gaga episode from Season 2 is by far my favorite episode of any show I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Yes I said it. More than the episode where Jessie takes the caffeine pills in Saved by the Bell. Sad, but true.

In that episode they address the use of the word ‘fag’. I grew up knowing a lot of gay people, I was a Women Studies major in college – which is more about being a humanist than a feminist, have LGBT friends through my major and in volunteer-work after college. That word does not sit well with me. I hope when they explained the meaning of what it stands for, that kids were listening to how damaging it can be.

I love that they chose Lady Gaga music-wise for that episode because she’s someone who is who she is but does what she does as an example that you too, should be who are, whoever/whatever that means because there ARE people who are just like you, whether you think so or not. If you think you don’t want to do something because you are afraid that it will be viewed negatively, her message is that, you can’t forget about the people who recognize it positively too. So, I’m goo-goo for Gaga and all that she stands for.

So back to the music: I saw the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s in a free concert at City Hall Plaza in 2006 and went from like to love really quickly. But now that they are allowing Glee to use their music, my love is infinite. I am probably wrong, but I take bands/artists songs being on Glee as a way of showing support of everything that this show is about. And I love it. Anything that can make my gays feel love, will feel love from me.

Speaking of gay!

RuPaul’s Drag Race

My sister, Kathy, actually turned me onto this show and man am I glad she did!  Second to giving me Burger King gift cards for Christmas last year, this is the best present she’s ever given me. If you haven’t seen this show in the past, the new season just started and you need to get with it. This episode they had to go into a thrift store and get stuff to win the Christmas Costume Challenge. Naturally, the queen who can’t stop crying thinking she’s going to fail is the one who wins. Condragulations! I felt bad for him/her, she was bigger and had to just buy draping fabric and not actual clothes. So God love her, she was hysterical. But I soon forgot about everything else when they started doing their makeup. I seriously need a drag queen to do my makeup or teach me how. They are so pretty. I don’t get it. What did they learn that I didn’t? Miah could not believe what RuPaul looked like as a man, since he’s only ever known him as a drag queen. They do look completely different, and actually, as a man Ru looks sickly anorexic but as a woman, he looks like a perfect 10. Putting actual females to shame. Damn you, RuPaul!

They had to settle the tie with the “Sing for your Life” lip sync. It got violent and in the end, Venus went home. Sashay away, Venus Delite.

Teen Mom 2

I’ll keep this quick. Chelsea’s dad is the man. He’s so nice to her and I love their relationship. I can’t wait til he finds out that she is back with Adam. Who by the way, did anyone notice… he has a barbed wire tattoo on his arm?? Maybe it takes 15 years for the word to work it’s way down to the South that those aren’t cool anymore, but hey Adam, those aren’t cool anymore. You have the same tattoo as Pamela Anderson. Macho.

Kailyn. WTF. I know you’re young but you didn’t think having a boyfriend while living in your ex-boyfriend’s house when you guys have been broken up for only 3 weeks would be a problem. You’re dumb. I know when you’re a mom, you do what you have to do for what your baby’s needs are, but is sitting on a public restroom floor indian style while changing your baby’s diaper nasty or am I just a germaphobe? Ewww.

So excited for Jenelle to have hickeys next week!

Moral of the Story: Be who you are, but just don’t have a barbed wire tattoo.

Just a Thought: Prince William and Kate sent Save the Date faxes. I’m obsessed.

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I miss Gary. Boo.

So Miah and I booked a cruise randomly on Monday night. We’re going to the Eastern Caribbean at the end of February. I’m really looking forward to it, it’s for 10 days to Aruba, Tortola, St. Maarten, St. Lucia, Barbados, St. George’s and Curacao – departing from and arriving in San Juan, Puerto Rico. I’m in desperate need of a vacation and I’ve never been on a cruise but have always wanted to, so I’m super pumped. The last vacation we took, excluding a few weddings, was last January to Punta Cana, DR. It was an amazing vacation and super relaxing; two spa massages, shopping, reading 5 books and resting… but ah, yeah, the reviews never mentioned the water bacteria, the 3rd world country you drive through to get to your resort, and the lack of English speaking television channels in the hotel. I was pissed when I had to watch reruns of Saved by the Bell in espanol. Who am I kidding, Saved by the Bell is good in any language. But the no American Idol the first week of the 9th season was really a punch in the gut.

The resort was gorgeous, but on the 3rd day of a 9 day vacation I realized really quickly that this might be the only time in my life where my love of processed food would be beneficial to me. American sausage and Tostitos were the only things I could hold down – I actually lost weight on vacation. So, with my situation and Miah’s pasty skin frying on day 1 to the point were he was the color of a boiled hot dog, forcing him to wear cotton tanks so that no clothing would touch his charred skin…. well, we were a sight.

Earlier in the week we signed up for an island excursion which was supposed to be a boat ride to a private island, so when the time came later in the week for it actually to happen, we both were in rare form but didn’t want to waste the money we already spent so we decided to go. The sun was so hot that day that even without a sunburn your skin tingled, so naturally Miah was uncomfortable…you know, looking like a piece of pastrami and all. What does he do, you ask? Oh, he runs to the first vendor he sees and buys the first bucket hat he can get his hands on. We get on the boat and I’m not pumped that my boyfriend is about to put on a bucket hat with his already not-embarrassing-whatsoever cotton tank, but he was in pain and I love him, so I want him to be happy and comfortable. Then we look at the hat and see that it was definitely made by a blind 8 year old. It’s camo but with a purple flowery bathing suit strap as the croakie for the hat.  Is he my soulmate? Obviously. See Exhibit A. (Although I hate this picture, it sums up EVERYTHING.)  When we got to the island, there were no trees and a coffin for a bathroom. We were both screwed.

Exhibit A

In all seriousness, we had a really great time and I’m really looking forward to this upcoming vacation. However, I am not looking forward to wearing a bathing suit in front of the masses. It starts at Halloween, when I buy the candy early to be ahead of the game, but then eat the entire bowl by myself, all the way through Christmas – the parties, the food, the goodies and drinks. It’s hard. And now this time of year until mid-February is my least favorite time at the gym. All the people that make a vow to themselves that this will be the year they get their fitness on and make it so that the regulars have to wait for machines and squish into classes. I hate it. I could really go for some of that Punta Cana water right about now.

So from now until the trip, I’m trying to make better choices. I usually eat pretty healthy but I don’t deprive myself of a Chipotle chicken burrito, crab rangoons, Wendy’s junior bacon cheeseburgers, Burger King whoppers with cheese, nachos, pizza, Dunkin’ Donuts’ sprinkled donuts, peanut m&m’s, Papa Gino’s steak and cheese subs, or  Pat’s cheeseburger clubs EVER. So it all comes to an end right now as quick as my decision to work out in my living room ended while I was using the Xbox zumba video game and the men fixing my front porch could see me through the window. They might as well have had picked up a 6-pack and some popcorn for the show until I caught them. Back to the gym for me, I’d rather look like an idiot trying to dance like a Latina among women and a certified instructor instead of a bunch of carpenters gawking at me. Thanks.

In any event, it’s a big week this week for tv. Tonight is my favorite show premiere, American Idol, then tomorrow is AI again, Jersey Shore and the finale of Housewives of Beverly Hills. Friday is a show premiere that apparently has been on since 2008 and I have been missing out BIG TIME….

My Big Redneck Wedding on CMT. Yipee!

I watched a rerun of My Big Redneck Wedding yesterday before work and was so disappointed in myself that I never saw it before but super psyched that it is now a part of my life. How can you really beat a wedding turned monster truck rally, a groom cutting the cake and then yelling that he’s gonna get her pregnant tonight and her parents cheering, flare gun bullets and coupons to get your septic tank cleaned as the party favors? It’s also complete with pop-up commentary from the Roseanne tattooed stallion himself, none other than Tom Arnold. Um, SIGN ME UP!

My girlfriends and I love themed parties, so of course, we had a redneck party a few years ago. We had a cow pinata that was filled with Slim-Jim’s and whiskey nips. We served hot dogs and cheese puffs in those little aluminum tins instead of on paper plates. There were fly swatters, cap guns, Franzia, Colt 45’s and mullet wigs for days. I thought putting my entire head of hair in sponge curlers was good, but after watching this show, I know I’m an amateur. We might have to do that party over,  2011 style. What do you think ladies?

I reckon' we should!

I have much better material now. So in case your curious, it’s on CMT at 9pm this Friday. I luckily am getting older, so don’t have much of a life these days and will be home and ordering take-out for the event… oh wait, I’m on a diet.

Teen Mom 2

Missing how Amber would bellow, Gearyyyy

I kept it to myself and away from my Facebook status last week, but I can’t hide it this week. I miss Gary. God love that giant Easter bunny. Although we have a couple of loose cannons and a girl who is a nominee for a future season of Bad Girls Club, this season is still lacking without Gary. That’s all I’ll say about that. I don’t want to start crying.

Was anyone else like WTF when poor Leah took her baby to the doctor? The person in the room who was the MEDICAL DOCTOR said, “Well, it looks like her arms are too short.” Hey thanks! How much was my co-pay again? I was curious because I thought I went to my doctor’s office to get medical advice and not to a homeless guy where when I give him money he tells me something obvious. I feel so bad for her. I can’t imagine having to go through that, let alone being 16 and having to go through that. I will add her and baby Aliannah to my prayer list. I’ll even move them up to be before Kirk Cameron who needs the most prayers out of any living creature.

Jenelle and her mom. Ha. Hmm. Oh boy. I think they are both crazy. Her mom complains about her not doing anything but then doesn’t let her do anything, but if I was her mom she’d be chained up in the basement. She might even respond better to that since she looks like Bella in Twilight, but you know, a Kentucky version. Not sure how Kentucky vampires work, I only know about the Forks ones.

She’s disrespectful, rude and violent. Everything you’d want in a tv character but not in a mom. I love that when she couldn’t pay the lawyer she asked to come home. Her mom is too nice but she can do what she wants. I just wish I lived on her street when her mom served her the summons for court in the last episode. I am the first one to roll up the shade or go outside when I hear so much as a hiss on my street in the hopes of catching a good rabid cat fight. I don’t know what it is but I love good street commotion. I hear someone trying to take Miah’s parking spot and I’m out there as fast as  the silver puddle on The Secret World of Alex Mack.

I kind of couldn’t believe though that neither of Jenelle’s friends tried stepping in when she was physically accosting her mom. Maybe it’s because I’m from the city but my friends would step in and separate that stuff – especially since you never know when someone is holding a weapon. I can’t wait for her to look back on this and regret treating her mom like that. It’s your mom! I regret fights I got into with my mom when I was younger, but I’ve made it up to her by letting her take care of my dog Henry, giving me a discount in rent and taking up three-quarters of her freezer space in the basement. We’re totally cool now.

 

Moral of the Story: Use sunblock. Don’t drink the water. Love your mama. Clean your septic tank.

Just a thought: Is it just me or is anyone else noticing Tim the Toolman Taylor doing a lot of voiceover work for commercials these days?

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