Archive for RuPaul’s Drag Race

I’m back, bitches.

I’m back and alive… just a tanner, fatter version of me. You know, I was upset with myself that I wasn’t going to the gym more and instead, I was eating my body weight in steak and cheese subs and potato skins before the cruise… but it’s actually a good thing I did. I don’t think I was fully prepared for the endless amount of food you consume on a cruise. I mean I’m always game to challenging myself to an eating contest any day of the week, but if I didn’t unconsciously prepare with the subs and skins ahead of time, I really wouldn’t have been able to make myself as proud as I did on the trip. I gained a solid 4.5 pounds and if the thought of missing a meal or being late to a meal crossed Miah’s mind – I flipped my shit on him. When you build up my tolerance at an endless buffet like that, I’m going to get feisty and flip if you tamper with it. God help him and those dear to me when I become pregnant. I’m going to let myself (really) go and eat anything that’s not tied down. Can’t wait! (Well for the eating part, not the human-growing-in-my-stomach-being-a-parent-changing-diapers-vaginal-stitches part).

All the islands were gorgeous, the people were amazing, and clearly the food was unbelievable. It was such a great time! It’s good to be home though. I loved vacation but now I’m freezing, peeling, and starving with no buffet.  And of course, now I feel like I need another vacation to catch up on my DVR. Talk about stress! Holy crap. There aren’t enough hours in the day. So I decided I’m starting fresh with a diet, the gym and with my shows, if I miss some, I miss some… please forgive me.

Jersey Shore

I know in the previous week’s episode Sammi came back, they put cheese in Mike’s bed in retaliation for sending Snooki and Deena to NYC in a cab, and Ronnie continued to call Snooki, Schnookie solely to irritate the crap out of me. But in this past episode, it was much, much more entertaining…except for the lack of Teddy Graham boxes and 4C juice tins in the kitchen this time around. If you keep your eyes peeled in most episodes, you can get a good idea of how these glamazons stay in tip top shape diet-wise.

Mike let the dogs, Lean Cuisine and Juice Box, let loose. I like those names because I like food. Stupid me just stuck with Henry… although it suits him, second time around I’m going to go with Tuna Melt or Cool Ranch Dorito. Genius. Those little bastards were eating like me on the cruise minus it being served in a trash bag – even though I wouldn’t have refused it that way.

Did you see when Pauly and Vinny were leaving Vinny’s house after dinner? I tried to count but it went to fast. There were at least 85-90 people on his front lawn. That’s his family for a no-reason dinner! It’s not even Thanksgiving! I don’t even know that many people and I can bet my ass that even if I did, I couldn’t get them to eat dinner with me for no reason. Boo.

And as predicted, Ronnie and Sam got back together and 20 minutes later they were fighting and broke up. All because she couldn’t admit that she was texting with a guy named Arvin that looked like an anteater. I would have admitted it, I mean the texts are proof, but then I would have been dying laughing at him for getting jealous at that. Would have chalked the whole thing up to being a joke on him. She needs some lessons – in relationships as well as wearing a proper bra with a strappy backed dress. Drives me nuts in every club scene.

Naturally, the roommates couldn’t take it…. Mike saying that Ronnie was crying on his shoulder, calling for roses, listening to Michael Bolton and Vinny and Pauly with the GTF – Gym Tanning Find out who Sammi is texting or GTI – Gym Tanning I’m not buying it.  I’m more GTG – Gym Tanning Give up on this relationship already because I’d rather be jealous and watch the dogs eat out of the trash. I’m starving!

Bad Girls Club

I go on vacation and Ashley is gone and there is a blonde from Jersey out of nowhere? Me no likey. I don’t like this new girl, Jennifer. Now I know it could be because I missed the episode where she actually showed up and am too overwhelmed by my DVR to find it, but I don’t care. Who does she think she is showing up while I’m away? Tisk, tisk. She goes insane when there is a cricket in the room when she is on the phone…like seriously insane. About as insane as I get when I see a car decorated with a wreath or like Rudolph for Christmas….that intense. Then how about when she yells at the even newer girl that came in this episode and called her a replacement. Uh, isn’t that exactly what you are? I get it. Jersey is becoming trendy. I mean, not trendy enough for anyone to actually move there, but good TV trendy. This girl needs to go back there and get locked in a room full of crickets. It’s sad when I think Nikki is possibly more tolerable than her. POSSIBLY.

I haven’t been a fan of Jess since the very beginning. With the hair gel, the open flannels over a tight half shirt, the baggy pants… you’d think she was an extra in TLC’s Creep video. But then her brother Aaron showed up! Jackpot! He’s like a Jersey guido and she’s the girl from your high school in 1995 that you didn’t want to F with – what a fam! Let’s just go over how she described him in her confessional, “he’s like me just twice as raw.” What the hell does that even mean? Is raw not being able to hold your liquor, not wearing a wedding ring, peeing in your sister’s roommate’s bed, and then getting up, taking off your banana hammock and falling asleep on the floor naked with your legs crossed? So raw. Well actually, who am I kidding… a few years back I was very raw.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Why can’t I be as pretty and talented as a drag queen? I’m jealous of their bodies, their makeup ability and fashion sense. Boo. In any event, this week’s challenge was to do a PSA about why they love the USA to be sent overseas to the troops. I hope the troops appreciate it as much as I would! The guest judges for this challenge were supermodel, Cheryl Tiegs, and my arch nemisis, figure skater, Johnny Weir. I would like Johnny, but sadly that faux-hawk haired bastard bullied the crap out of my all time favorite reality star, Bethenny Frankel on Skating with the Stars. Yes, I watched that and yes, I would text my votes in for her. Bethenny got robbed on that show and I’ll never forgive Johnny for it. Never. I don’t care if he is on RuPaul’s Drag Race and wearing black leather finger gloves or if Skating with the Stars doesn’t come back for another season… his opinion is null and void to me. Bastard. And just to put emphasis on just how sucky his opinions really are, here is an example: he told one of the queens, that in their PSA there wasn’t a lot of class or integrity. Dude, the definition of integrity is honesty in your character. I think anyone who has the ability to tape their penaso up so well that you can confuse someone into thinking that you are of a different sex and then hand sew a red white and blue unitard to prove their adoration for our country and leave absolutely no sign of that penaso, well, I think they are being pretty honest in their character as a drag queen. Go back to figure skating, Weir. You suck.

The winner of the challenge was Alexis and rightly so… she Swarovski bedazzled the shit out of her ex-boyfriend’s military jacket. Meow. Unfortunately, Ru threw a wrench in the plan and made the two queens up for elimination lip sync for their life to Mickey by Tony Basil….IN SPANISH. Dun, dun DUNNNNN! Lip Sync para tu vida!! Another thing to admire about a drag queen is that they are freakin’ bilingual. Waah! I want to be a drag queen! Luckily, for the first time in the show’s history, both the ladies got to stay. But guess what? Who cares about them?! Jody Watley is next week’s judge! She better have on hoops, a tulle skirt and cat eyed makeup. Play us out Jody!

 

Moral of the Story: GTD – Gym Tanning Don’t even bother setting up your DVR when you go away on vacation… you’ll never catch up.

Just a Thought: I just saw a commercial for Cadbury Creme Eggs and almost peed my pants.

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Bootlegs & Lysol Wipes

I did dinner and some shopping last night with Pauline and when I got home, Miah and I decided we’d put on a bootleg copy of Black Swan that one of our friends let us borrow. We heard it was weird but figured with the ballet scenes and stuff, it’d be easy enough to fall asleep to. Yeah, ok. 3am we are both up and the movie is over, sitting there frozen like someone zapped us with a 50,000 volt taser and sucked all the blood out of our bodies. I won’t spoil it for those of you who haven’t seen it, but WTF? It’s the type of movie you need to talk about afterwards, you know, after you sit there in silence for 3 solid minutes not blinking, feeling like you need a tetanus shot. Annnnd then I had a nightmare. So, thanks, Natalie Portman. Note to self, just stick to Dumb and Dumber for reliable pre-bedtime movies. Why can’t someone lend me a bootleg copy of Never Say Never for God’s sake?

Teen Mom 2

The past few episodes of this show really makes me wonder if Jenelle knows she’s being followed by a camera crew. I understand she’s 16 but I’m still confused. On her first date with Kiefer when they get ice cream that she makes him lick her melting cone several times -um, ew.. I mean I know you’ve swapped spit and most likely other bodily fluids prior to this excursion but I don’t know. Ice cream and popcorn are my babies. I hate to share most things in my life, but those two are top of the list. I would NEVER share an ice cream cone. Ice cream in a bowl with a spoon…maybe. Cone? No way. It’s just one of those things in my world that is right up there with a mama bird regurgitating what’s in her stomach for her baby. Like… I’m good…all set. And no lie, if I ever have kids and their cone is dripping on a hot summer day, it’s gonna drip if I don’t have a napkin. I’m not licking it and they can’t have a taste of mine. My flesh and blood or not, I’m not sharing my ice cream cone or saving yours. So when she met him yesterday and then made him lick her ice cream then smeared it on the picnic table (and like the sinner she is, wasted a perfectly good scoop as it fell to the ground), I wanted to smack her unshaped eyebrows off her face.

The hickeys, Kiefer’s arm bandages in the most recent episode, and her mom flipping about financial aid forms for no reason. This family needs indoor voices, necklaces that aren’t made of hemp, stress balls, Calgon and a therapy session.

Honestly, other than Chelsea’s boyfriend Adam’s sleeveless shirts which he’s hand cut into so deep that they look like high school wrestling unitards, I black out after I see Jenelle. Kalyn and Joe bore me and there isn’t anything to joke about with the twins situation. I feel bad Chelsea’s friend Morgan moved out because she’ll probably find out pretty soon that once a dick, always a dick… but she’s young, so baby or not, she hasn’t realized that yet. I hope she can eventually save her friendship, because she’s really mastered how to take advantage of that girl babysitting-wise. It’d be a shame to let that go. And it’s really too bad Adam ruins everything…. father/daughter relationships, friendships, perfectly good tshirts, etc.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion

I’ll make this quick.

I loved how cute Rihanna looked. Oh, I mean Kandi. She’s so cute.

Can you believe Kim is writing a book about how to land your own Big Pappa? WHAT? So, how to perfect the art of gold-digging, really? Didn’t you not land Big Pappa? You accidentally landed a 25 year old 5th round draft pick for the NFL by getting pregnant. Score! I think I’ll write a book about something I didn’t do too. I could write about dressing my Shih Tzu Henry up in costumes when I’m bored and how he loves me enough to just play dead and make his limbs go limp so they are easy to work with. OR I could write about how to go into CVS for only toothpaste and leave with press-on nails, a heating pad, tissue paper, socks, 2 chapsticks, pens, a hairbrush, a humidifier, a home wax kit, Crest white strips and never ever remember the toothpaste.  OR I could write about how to make a weekly meal plan and gym schedule and set your alarm every morning and then press snooze 95 times and completely miss the gym and breakfast all together. Well, wait, this is everything that I do do, so I need to write about stuff that I don’t do…What could it be? Suggestions? I mean the list is unlimited. I really don’t do much so the world is my oyster.

I’m not even going to talk about the race issue that was brought up and the whole consuming of canned foods because of a white household nonsense. I have to keep my blood pressure stable since I haven’t recovered from the Bieber episode of Glee this week. I’ve got the fever.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

How do I get RuPaul’s body? Seriously. This man has the best female body I’ve ever seen.

So the challenge was to basically do a news cast including a weather girl, gossip girl, an interviewer and two anchors for QNN News Station. I didn’t love this episode this much because it wasn’t as over the top as it usually is. I like my drag queens to be obnoxious. I did however love that Maria asked the guest celebrity, Kristin Cavalleri, if she was really a genetic woman. Big highlight. I’m not a fan.

In the end it was between Stacey and India in the Lip Sync for your Life. The song? Meeting in the Ladies Room. Wonderful choice for any gay lip sync-er and I thought they did a great job. Sadly, India had to Sashay, Away. I think Stacey should have gone but that was just me. In any event, Condragulations!

Jersey Shore

First off, the anonymous undies they found in the bathroom…. they pick them up with a stick because they don’t want to physically touch them. Then rest them for viewing on the community beanbag. Did anyone else notice that? From this point forward, whenever they show the beanbag or someone sitting on it, I’m going to shudder to myself. Although I’m sure none of them are concerned about herpes or crabs anymore, for what it’s worth, Lysol Wet Wipes are $4 a container, FYI.

I hate Ronnie. One whinebag goes home and now we get another one? Enough already! He’s flipping out that the girls moved Sammi’s stuff and says that the girls should only get involved if it involves them. Um, did you see what I saw last week? You involved every single person in the house. In fact, you both were physically restrained by all of your roommates.. but you must have forgot when your Xandrine trip bed throwing roid rage breakdown cloaked you in pure blindness and loss of cognizance. He felt weird that he was at Karma without Sam…. did you miss her or miss having something to be mad about in order to have someone to make up with? Snap out of it and stop clogging the toilet.

They made one of the main storylines of the episode Deena’s constipation. They kept talking about it and clearly it made her emotional about everything toward the end and Ronnie needed to console her by saying the most comforting thing that any girl would want to hear, ” We are picking on you because you are like the baby sister we never wanted.” So sweet. Such touch. But immediately after the show ended, my Facebook status was ‘So, wait, did Deena ever take a shit or what?’ I mean, I am not the least bit concerned about her bowel movements, but if you’re going to make it a major issue, I’m going to be curious. Hey MTV, in school your essays needed to have a conclusion. You fail.

American Idol

I’m pumped that Sideshow Bob (Brett is his name I think) made it through, Lauren Aliania, Scottie McCrevy and a few other of my fav’s got through. If the kid Jaycee who looks EXACTLY like little Chris Farley in Tommy Boy didn’t make it through I was going to lose it. I don’t think he’s going to win, but I think America will keep him around for a while. Or at the rate I vote when I watch this show, I’ll single handedly keep him around for a few weeks. You’re welcome. I’m proud of him – he’s totally turning around the stereotype for chubby male teenagers with yellowish teeth who sing… he’s going to get so much boy-band ass when he goes home. Good for you, kid. You deserve it.

Moral of the Story: Be careful what you do with ice cream cones and beanbag chairs. Germs spread quick.

Thought of the Day: Friday I’m in Puerto Rico and cruise bound… can’t wait! This will be me, minus the puppets.

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From Earth to Uranus

I have a cold and when my sinuses are congested, my gums kill. I heard that your sinuses drain into your gums, so it makes sense. But I feel like I’m teething. I keep biting on my fingers, I look like the thumb sucker from My Strange Addiction these days. I’m gonna have to buy a package of pens and start chewing… if not, the legs of my dining room chairs, well, their days are numbered.

Tonight is my first rehearsal for the Flash Mob, I was wrong on the original date. I’m going with my friend Erica from high school and I’m super pumped. I hope there is a dance move where I can chew on a piece of furniture for gum pain relief. In celebration of this practice, I’m getting a Steak & Cheese for lunch. Gotta fluff up that second roll. No, I did a favor for my sister this morning and as a reward, she has food on the way. She knows me so well.

My Big Redneck Wedding

I don’t know if this is a repeat or not, but this episode is right up there with Allison the Huffer on Intervention in my Hall of Fame. If the bride’s favorite food wasn’t squirrel and wasn’t obsessed with road kill, we could be friends. She seemed like someone you would want in your group of friends. In any event, let’s go over the highlights, shall we?

1. He proposed to her as she was eating a PB&J sandwich.

2. The couple went into the woods to find squirrels to hunt and kill, so they could stuff them, dress them in their matching b&g camo attire  and naturally, use them as the cake toppers.

3. Empty Bud Light cans served as the tiers for the cake.

4. After driving around, they came across a dead armadillo with it’s guts all out on the road. Immediately they stopped and picked it up because it would look lovely on the aisle.

5. She shot her bouquet to the crowd of single ladies out of a potato gun.

6. Seats for the guests were haystacks.

7. The main entree for the event was grilled squirrel and cans of Bud heavies.

8. The bride wanted to have centerpieces that symbolized each of their personalities. So naturally, they went to the freezer to see which animals they had in there for stock that they could stuff and dress that would represent each of them. What’s in the freezer, you ask? ‘Coons, a bobcat, squirrels (obvi), ducks, etc… you know, what most people keep in their freezer.

9. The men wore camo button ups and the girls made their entrances on ATV’s.

10. The spoken theme for the wedding was “Camo and Taxidermy.”

11. Naturally, when it was the bride’s turn to read her vows, she pulled the paper they were written on out of her bra.

Basically, the best episode ever.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

The theme of this episode was Drag Queens in Outer Space. The ladies had to break into two teams and then act out the plays: “From Earth to Ur-anus” and “Return to Ur-anus”. This wasn’t my favorite episode, there wasn’t too much going on. Well, minus when Delta was talking about his friendship with one of the girls and he said, she knows everything, like how many cab drivers I’ve slept with. YES. Now, that’s friendship. In the end Phoenix was sent home and had to sashay away after a failed attempt at the Lip Sync for your Life to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance. The ladies got to use hand crafted breast plates for this challenge and Ru even gave it a plug…boobsforqueens.com. How about Boobs for Beth? What about me? WHAT ABOUT ME?? It’s not fair that these queens have better everything than I do. Makeup skills, outfits, heels, taxi connections and now boobs. Unfair.

Bad Girls Club

Luckily, after the Beanpot last night there was a rerun of BGC. This episode picked up where the kitchen fight with Ashley left off. I’ll just say this: security ruins everything. It could have been even better than it was if they didn’t have to send people in to break it up. I mean, I don’t condone violence, but if someone knocked Nikki unconscious, I wouldn’t hate it.

Nikki just really sucks. I know this is clear, but I don’t know how anyone can live in that house with her. She’s so annoying. Did you see her kissing that guy? Ewww… clearly that was her first kiss and she didn’t know what she was doing. And, “bro” you live in a house with a bunch of girls… can not ONE of them tell her that skin tight toga dresses aren’t meant for linebackers? I’m not making a fat joke, she’s literally a linebacker for a football team. God I can’t stand her! She hops around, trying to be annoying (nails it) – says Bro all the time, sticks her tongue out when she thinks she does something cool, wears sunglasses on top of her head and another pair on her eyes. EVERYONE KNOWS I HATE WHEN PEOPLE WEAR SUNGLASSES INDOORS. As I sit and type this, I feel my blood pressure rising. Then….THEN! She got GTL tattooed inside her lip. You are a loser.

The thing I don’t understand about reality shows these days is that a season wouldn’t be complete if they didn’t get a vacation. Um, aren’t you technically on a vacation? So of course, they sent these ladies in this episode to San Francisco. I don’t get it. But what was hilarious was that when they got there, Jessica was flipping out about how sweet the hotel was. Let me break it down… it was basically a Comfort Inn. She was like OMG this place is sick! Look, a security lock box! OMG air conditioning! Hmm.. I’m beginning to wonder how she made an audition video to get on this show if she hasn’t ever seen obvious things  before. Jess, have you ever seen a computer? Or a video camera? Do you even have cable? How did you hear about this show, anyway?

Then Nikki put a bump-it in the very front of her hair about 7 inches off the top. Everyone was like I’m not hanging out with you. She thought she looked good. Mind you she just got the GTL tattoo and was wearing a toga dress. She obviously thinks she is Snooki. I hate her even more. If she gets a Thug Life trucker hate, I’m going to get an address and find some Anthrax.

Moral of the Story: Don’t wear sunglasses indoors. It doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look like more of a loser.

Just a Thought: Only two people in the world should have mustaches. Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. That’s why I just became a fan of the page for Tom Selleck’s Mustache on FB.

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Sashay, Shante.

One of the few non-reality shows that I do watch is Glee. It’s been really annoying that it hasn’t been on in a while, but today I saw a commercial and US magazine posted pictures of the cast in makeup for when they do Thriller by Michael Jackson in the next episode, so I’m doing much better. It’s going to air immediately after the Superbowl on February 6 and they are singing Yeah Yeah Yeah’s too so I’m even more super-pumped. I get really excited when my favorite bands let Glee use their music.

This may seem a little deep for me, but this is more than just a show for me. I think this is the best show on television, in that it has a message in every episode that I hope kids are listening to. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be a teenager these days. I didn’t have Facebook or cell phones. We had pagers (remember writing, 4311 or hell upsidedown, or 80087355 as boobless?) and email came into play my junior year of high school, but barely used it.. but we thought growing up was hard. We got nothing on kids in school now. Kids these days have so many new ways for bullies to stress their dislike and I love that this show takes on topics that might stick out to someone who feels like no one else can relate. The Lady Gaga episode from Season 2 is by far my favorite episode of any show I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Yes I said it. More than the episode where Jessie takes the caffeine pills in Saved by the Bell. Sad, but true.

In that episode they address the use of the word ‘fag’. I grew up knowing a lot of gay people, I was a Women Studies major in college – which is more about being a humanist than a feminist, have LGBT friends through my major and in volunteer-work after college. That word does not sit well with me. I hope when they explained the meaning of what it stands for, that kids were listening to how damaging it can be.

I love that they chose Lady Gaga music-wise for that episode because she’s someone who is who she is but does what she does as an example that you too, should be who are, whoever/whatever that means because there ARE people who are just like you, whether you think so or not. If you think you don’t want to do something because you are afraid that it will be viewed negatively, her message is that, you can’t forget about the people who recognize it positively too. So, I’m goo-goo for Gaga and all that she stands for.

So back to the music: I saw the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s in a free concert at City Hall Plaza in 2006 and went from like to love really quickly. But now that they are allowing Glee to use their music, my love is infinite. I am probably wrong, but I take bands/artists songs being on Glee as a way of showing support of everything that this show is about. And I love it. Anything that can make my gays feel love, will feel love from me.

Speaking of gay!

RuPaul’s Drag Race

My sister, Kathy, actually turned me onto this show and man am I glad she did!  Second to giving me Burger King gift cards for Christmas last year, this is the best present she’s ever given me. If you haven’t seen this show in the past, the new season just started and you need to get with it. This episode they had to go into a thrift store and get stuff to win the Christmas Costume Challenge. Naturally, the queen who can’t stop crying thinking she’s going to fail is the one who wins. Condragulations! I felt bad for him/her, she was bigger and had to just buy draping fabric and not actual clothes. So God love her, she was hysterical. But I soon forgot about everything else when they started doing their makeup. I seriously need a drag queen to do my makeup or teach me how. They are so pretty. I don’t get it. What did they learn that I didn’t? Miah could not believe what RuPaul looked like as a man, since he’s only ever known him as a drag queen. They do look completely different, and actually, as a man Ru looks sickly anorexic but as a woman, he looks like a perfect 10. Putting actual females to shame. Damn you, RuPaul!

They had to settle the tie with the “Sing for your Life” lip sync. It got violent and in the end, Venus went home. Sashay away, Venus Delite.

Teen Mom 2

I’ll keep this quick. Chelsea’s dad is the man. He’s so nice to her and I love their relationship. I can’t wait til he finds out that she is back with Adam. Who by the way, did anyone notice… he has a barbed wire tattoo on his arm?? Maybe it takes 15 years for the word to work it’s way down to the South that those aren’t cool anymore, but hey Adam, those aren’t cool anymore. You have the same tattoo as Pamela Anderson. Macho.

Kailyn. WTF. I know you’re young but you didn’t think having a boyfriend while living in your ex-boyfriend’s house when you guys have been broken up for only 3 weeks would be a problem. You’re dumb. I know when you’re a mom, you do what you have to do for what your baby’s needs are, but is sitting on a public restroom floor indian style while changing your baby’s diaper nasty or am I just a germaphobe? Ewww.

So excited for Jenelle to have hickeys next week!

Moral of the Story: Be who you are, but just don’t have a barbed wire tattoo.

Just a Thought: Prince William and Kate sent Save the Date faxes. I’m obsessed.

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