Archive for All About Aubrey

Babies and Boobs.

Real Housewives of Orange County

Apparently boobies were the theme for this episode. Between Peggy getting her crooked right bomb reassessed (and her husband asking to keep the old implants to juggle with (WTFFFFFF), to Gretchen’s orange slices t-shirt, to Tamra’s topless photo-shoot blazing her implant scars and making me want to puke all over my remote control…. you couldn’t escape it! To the left, BOOBS! To the right, BOOBS! Everywhere you look, BOOBS! I will admit Gretchen looked adorable, even though she’s on my shit list for being annoying, with her little bow in her hair and all that, but the t-shirt, really?? Her shirt reminds me of something that is on my pet peeve list.  A list which is very very lengthy and includes attention demanding clothes such as the pants that have writing on the butt. I hate those PINK pants or CHEER shorts that seem to be the rage among prepubescent girls and teenagers…. like hi, please look at my butt. I don’t care how old you are, if you’re a sex offender or not, but I want you to read what is written on my ass and as a direct result – assess my whole body inappropriately. It’s a badddd idea and if I have kids (good luck to them), whether those pants are in or not, they will never own them. My poor non-existing kids already have so many limits on them, that when they do actually exist there is a 98% chance that they will be at the peanut allergy table at school with no one to talk to. I personally won’t wear those pants or shorts not because I don’t want anyone looking at my butt, but because I don’t have a butt. My message would get lost in translation as I can’t fill out a pair of pants to save my life. I’m your worst nightmare if we have to squish in a crowded car and I end up sitting on your lap. My back basically goes straight into my thighs without so much as a bump. Luckily my muffin top evens me out.

How did you guys feel about Gretchen using her diamond ring from her first marriage to make a new ring for her mom? I don’t think I like it. I just feel like that diamond has no meaning to her mom. It’s a nice gesture and I don’t know anyone who would refuse it, but still. I’m iffy. Slade is right up there with Ronnie from JS for me. Talking to Gretchen’s dad, who admittedly isn’t a huge fan of him, saying, ‘dude, dude!’ My dad would give him an award winning blank stare and awkward silence. But to be honest, Gretchen and Slade deserve each other. They both mooch and make you want to punch babies. Gretchen summed up her whole existence and what everyone knows to be true about her when Alexis said that she was treating the girls to botox (where was my invite, biatch?) and Gretchen said ‘if I had known you were going to do this, I wouldn’t have gotten it a few months ago…where else could I get it?’ Ewww. Way to take advantage of someone’s kindness, you mooch.

I felt bad for Tamra when she was moving and came across her wedding stuff in front of Eddie. That’s never easy. Even if you’ve moved on, coming across something that suddenly makes unexpected memories to rush back to you like that is tough. Maybe that’s why she completely ripped Fernanda’s face off for using the word ‘disappointed’ in regards to missing her Citizenship Party, whether Fernanda is a Stage 5 clinger or not…. I was like YIKES!

All About Aubrey

Good Morning! Boom out of the gate, within the first 30 seconds, Aubrey has pretty much created a patent for talking vibrators with potential celebrity endorsements. HELLLLLOOO. I just made a nice hot cup of decaf Tazo Calm tea and got into bed to watch one of my top 5 favorite trainwrecks before bed and WELL HELLO.  Should have been a shot of tequilla for Christ’s sake.

So in this episode, we find out that not only is Aubrey a Beiber fan, she loves the Celtics! Moving up on my favorite list quite rapidly. Then, THEN! She wears buttpads! I think I need to invest! She goes out with a guy who is the dead ringer for Candyman, the movie that when I was little used to make me wet my pants pre-bladder issues. I still can’t watch that movie without company. The only real difference between Candyman and his lookalike Sean is that Sean uses the word C-U-Next-Tuesday in referring to someone’s mother…. I do say only difference because I’m convinced Sean is most likely a serial killer as well. No one say Candyman 5 times in a mirror. Just.don’t.do.it.

The only difference between this show and Making the Band is the band and Puff Daddy/PDiddy/DiddyDirtyMoney. It’s all the same people helping her – Johnny Wright, her voice coach who looks like Rafiki from Lion King and now instead of Diddy, she’s got Russell Simmons as her guide. I wonder how Puff feels about this show and about Russell Simmons helping her out? In upbeat news, Aundrea from Danity Kane is going to be on the finale next week! Yippee!

Pregnant in Heels

So I kept seeing the trailer for this and wasn’t really interested because as most people know – pregnant bellies make me nauseous. Knowing that behind that shield of skin is a living creature with eyeballs, fingernails and hair that is due to come out of …. ok I’m gonna puke. Seriously. My sister had twins, who I love to death, but one day while sitting on the couch, she said Beth look! I looked and two little foot imprints were showing through stomach. Most people would think that was sweet, I on the other hand wanted to vomit. I felt like she was 10 seconds away from reenacting the scene in Spaceballs when the alien pops out of the guys belly in the diner with a top hat and a cane singing ‘Hello my baby, hello my honey…’ Then a few weeks later, the two little babies were sitting side by side in matching carseats, in little pink clothes with little pink hats and my sisters stomach was back to normal. Like WHAT? Those two things that blink, were just both in your stomach. They blink! They have fingernails! They have hair! All things that are meant for the exterior growing on the INTERIOR. I need a stork. Don’t even get me started on the belly button/umbilical cord situation. Oh God. I’m sweating. I don’t even like having gas, I can’t imagine what I’ll feel like with a baby in the oven floating around doing the backstroke in there. Waah. On a positive note, I would be able to eat cheeseburger subs in mass quantities because I’m eating for two! Must not be that bad…

Here’s the clip of the Spaceballs scene…. Check please!

But anyway, I was watching Bethenny last night and Pregnant in Heels came on right after. I watched it and I AM HOOKED! I love Rosie Pope, Maternity Concierge and how she handles situations. I thought I was crazy, but she deals with some winners! Her job is basically to do whatever expecting parents want her to do in preparation for the birth. In this episode, she dealt with two moms, Sarah and Samantha. With only 4 weeks til delivery, Sarah barely acknowledged she was pregnant. She considered the baby in her belly as a life force sucking parasite and basically put aesthetics before the needs of the baby. I love Rosie and how she doesn’t react expression wise but tells it like it is. I was cringing for her for a minute there when she brought a therapist into Sarah’s house to help them understand why they weren’t preparing for the baby. They were so insulted and it looked like she was going to get crucified but in the end they loved it and little baby boy Fox soon became the center of their universe….exactly the opposite of what they wanted.

Now, let’s talk about Samantha! What a pssssyyyycccchhhoooo!!!! Basically this mom is on her 3rd child and is big into branding. So as she tries to create a branding for her family, she believes it starts with a first impression, which is your name. So she didn’t think that her first two kids names were strong enough, Ella & Ruby, and so she enlists the help of Rosie to help her come up with a marquee name. This is what they do: Rosie has to round up a group of experts to create a think tank of names. They have a poet, a linguistics specialist, a baby blogger, etc. They all come up with a group of names but with guidelines from Samantha of course. This name can not have a j, an e, an r. It must be easy to spell, and can not be decorative. From there, the final names go to a focus group, where Rosie and the parents will watch in a two way mirrored room. This group of people that made up the focus group were some very powerful people in NYC and as parents striving to obtain a successful and powerful brand for their child, these are the people’s opinions they really wanted. Naturally, as control freaks, any time a name that they liked was unliked by someone in the group, Samantha and her husband considered them uneducated and out of tune. So from the focus group, they took the top 3 names to a dinner among friends for some valued feedback. Naturally, when the baby is born, they pick the name that no one wanted and that didn’t even make it to the top 3 list for the friends dinner….so all those groups and efforts were for nothing. Baby Bowen Asher will one day be his own brand….. I’ll keep my eyes peeled.

Moral of the Story: Everyone put your boobs away and watch Pregnant in Heels on again tonight! Tweet #RosiePopeforPresident. It’s trending!

Just a Thought: I think I found something that parallels Keyboard Cat… almost. But it really makes me laugh. I know I’m 3 years behind. So sue me. Dramatic Chipmunk!!

 

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Trainwreck.

I really love trainwrecks. It’s sad, but I really can’t get enough. I loved the Britney meltdown, the Mariah hospitalization, Winona Ryder losing it, the Mel Gibson fiasco, the Tom Cruise insanity, Whitney Houston snapping, LiLo’s stuper and liked the Charlie Sheen thing for a minute but he’s currently overboard. A little too trainwrecked for my taste.. I considered for a second about buying a ticket to his tour, but I don’t want to feed anyone’s drug habit, so I’ll stay home with a bottle of wine and online shopping and feed my own habit thankyouverymuch. Hey, I just noticed that all of the above ‘situations’ would make really great band names. I hope that one day when I lose it, which is definitely going to happen (and probably soon), someone forever memorializes my unfortunate state of affairs with a rock band. Bethie goes Bonkers. Catchy. Knowing me and how I flip when I’m hungry or tired or when a child is in my presence….when I do have that breakdown, it’s going to be epic. You guys should probably start practicing for the finale anthem now.

Speaking of trainwrecks….

Teen Mom 2

Jenelle. Oh Jenelle. My favorite little life mess. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1- You make me completely forget that there are other teen moms on the show with you. Corey and Leah’s wedding? Who cares! Adam moved out of Chelsea’s apartment and only left his toolbox and blazer? A clear goldmine of comments, but….so what! Kailyn and Joe hate each other again? Boo Hoo! I mean, Leah’s bachelorette was at her MOTHER’S house where they were putting condoms on bananas and talking about vibrators and instead of being absolutely horrified and holding back puke – I was mentally half there all because I was chomping at the bit for them to show Jenelle and her hemp necklace again.

2 – There is nothing sweeter than baby Ali and her little Mr. Potato Head glasses and the way Corey and Leah are with her…. but I want Jenelle and her mother’s nails-on-a-blackboard-sounds-the-same-talking-as-it-does-yelling voice screeching at her as much as I can possibly get it. Nothing else. I’ll keep the rest of the cast in my prayers, but I feel like Charlie Sheen here. I NEED my Jenelle fix.

3- She knows her mom already hates her, so the next logical thing to do to get her approval in life is to steal her credit card and go on a road trip. Obvi. Then she cries when her mom tells her she mailed back her financial aid check back. Jenelle, you didn’t see that coming? Really? …Really?

4- I firmly believe that when Jace starts talking, his first words will be “Real Nice, Jenelle” – the direct influence of his grandmother and it’ll be the loudest, most Southern, most irritating voice of a child you’ve ever heard in your life.

5- She never thought that not showing up to work and not calling would directly result in her getting fired.

Her lack of common sense, ability to care about anyone else other than herself or her goofy boyfriend Kiefer, and scream-fests with her mother in front of her baby make her a certified candidate for a band named after her. Any suggestions? I can’t wait for the finale tonight… I could pee! Mugshots!!

Bethenny Ever After

I am a little behind with this one which I’m not sure I can forgive myself for since Bethenny Frankel is my all time favorite reality star.  From The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, to HWoNY, to Bethenny Getting Married, to Skating with the Stars, to Bethenny Ever After… I have never missed a show. I am obsessed. So much so that I’m very seriously considering never speaking to my brother-in-law again because he hates her. As a result, our relationship is on the rocks. (Kathy, tell Timmy that… since I’m not speaking to him.)

I get it – she’s opinionated, she’s loud, she’s sarcastic, she can be crude, what she’s thinking is never not written on her face…but she’s the shit and she’s kind. Not a lot of people are kind anymore. Taking care of people – Gina with the mani/pedi and baptism, her assistant with the raise and the makeover, Nick the foodie with you know… just general attention. I completely love her.  However… there is someone I could potentially love more than Bethenny at some point in time…Bryn. In every scene, Bryn’s facial expression never changes and totally sums up my feelings on life – not impressed and unamused.

In regards to Nick – What is the big gay ice cream truck and how do I get it involved in my life? I love gays and I f’in love ice cream. I love that he’ll be her new food blogger for her site. I get tons of healthy recipes off her website, so now I’ll be able to also go to her site and read all about restaurants and food stops that I’ll want to eat at but aren’t even remotely close to where I live and will constantly be let down. Yipee! I actually am more curious about him and the thoughts that go through his mind. Looking forward to it! I almost peed when he scurried across the street to get alcohol for the smoothies and then was pushing the baby carriage. How do I get a Nick?

I feel like the whole Christening situation was one that would completely happen to me. Standing on the street, recollecting myself wearing a ceremonial burnt orange head scarf after my daughter was pseudo-baptized in a Yoruba church after being ripped out of my arms without my consent. Naturally this would take place right around Halloween when Miah and I dressed up as a family of pandas and went trick-or-treating. Sounds about right. I can’t believe my brother in law doesn’t like her. I really don’t know what my sister sees in him.

All About Aubrey

Completely forgot about this trainwreck when I listed them earlier! She went downhill quick. I loved her on Making the Band… then as the time went on, her egos, lips and boobies grew too big for anyone to handle. So sad. Now with her new show, I can see, first hand, that Aubrey O’Day is still criminally insane but trying to get her career back. My kind of television show! Her house is loaded of self portraits, her outfits are cringe-worthy, her relationship with her father is borderline suspect, her dogs are pink and purple and her face only moves from the top lip down. I’m OBSESSED.

I’m working on catching up, but did you see the episode where her father visits? Y-O-W-Z-E-R-S. She warns her friends that he is more of an embarrassing uncle than a father and that he is a cross between Jack Nicholson, a pimp and an old sea captain. I knew this was gonna be good. She takes him to a lesbian bar because he thought for a while that she may be a lesbian…. then later on we see Aubrey and her friend take naked pictures cuddling in a sauna and put it on Twitter. Huh, where would he get that thought? In any event, the lesbian bar is insane – he admits he looked for her only after she got famous, he grinds on her friend, snuggles with Aubrey…. I couldn’t tell if they were trying to make him a likable character because I was 100% creeped out.

I liked the show, but wasn’t positive about how I felt about Aubrey. She puts her dogs in bikinis with chicken cutlets for boost, she wears henna stickers up her arms, and well, of course, her father. But then…. THEN… she went jogging. Jogging, schmogging…. but she was wearing a Beiber shirt!! Immediately, I started following her on Twitter. She won me back. I am now once again a fan of this expressionless gem with no help from PDiddy this time.

Moral of the Story: Trainwrecks are my favorite.

Just a Thought: I bought concert tickets for tomorrow night off of a spiritual medium who “can’t go” to the show. Great. With my luck, she probably saw something unfortunate happen and got herself out of that situation real quick. Just in case, it’s been real peeps.

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