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Bananas!

You Go Boy!

Early December, I woke up super early to get the laptops set up and my credit cards ready because Sox Pax tickets (multiple tickets to multiple games) and NKOTBSB tickets were going on sale the same morning.Yes, I’m a loser…. but it worked! I got tickets for both. So on Opening Day against the Yankees, myself, Miah and our friends Mary & John met up for some day drinking and baseball. First the parking was insane, worse than usual, so we had to park further away and take a rickshaw to Landsdowne Street. Since I’m mature, I had to snap a pic of the pedaler’s bum.

Looks Good, Right?

Oh Wait. Not so much.

We were all excited to see the seats that I woke up early for, had 4 computers going for, am practically in debt for… oh and isn’t the view spectacular? Oh wait. You can’t see the batters box. I didn’t know who was swinging, if we had a catcher, what the call was, etc. I didn’t mind too, too much because Mary and I were too busy making friends with people around us and talking about Bravo tv. In any event…. just my luck.

Housewives of Orange County

Gretchen is such a bitch. I am no Slade fan but tubbawubba? Are you serious? I was actually proud of him that he said something to her about her constantly making fun of his weight. And typical girl, she turns it around and makes it like she’s upset. I’m not shitting on girls, I do it too..and I’m a girl. But if you’ve watched the show since the beginning, you know that he wore the pants in the relationship with Jo and would call her out on every little thing she did that he didn’t like. Now he’s with Gretchen, way out of his league and keeping them afloat financially, and he isn’t allowed to do anything without her approval. Oh how the tables have turned! But karma related or not, I don’t like it. I felt bad for him that she took him and her dogs, the ‘fat turds’ to the park to get some exercise. Imagine if he started commenting on the mole on her face? Oh God I wish he would. But like I said, she is way out of his league and he knows better.

This is slightly psychotic, but I can’t help it, there is a scene when she is leaving her house and by her door, there is a sunglasses rack. Like instead of a coat rack, she has a 50 sunglasses display case like you’d see at Lenscrafters. Laaahhhhuuuu-ssssaaaahhhheeeerrr.

Extreme Couponing

I saw a special on this over the winter time and was shocked that this could be done. I mean, my friend Pauline can go into CVS and get $30 worth of stuff for like $8 but I didn’t know it was humanly possible for someone to walk into a grocery store and get hundreds of dollars worth of food for like two bucks… baffles me. Of course, after I saw this, I put on my new years resolution list to use coupons more. One of the 15 resolutions I haven’t even tried to uphold. I just like making lists.

So I came to the conclusion that this is a full time job. These people subscribe to websites for a fee for coupons to be mailed to them, they dumpster dive looking for coupons people threw away, they have excel lists keeping track of what they have in their bomb shelters and what they might need, etc. I’m sorry, if we get hit with a nuclear bomb – although your basement might be able to feed you for 50 plus years, you’ll be dead, it won’t matter. Your stock pile full of 300 tubes of toothpaste, 100 bottles of teriyaki sauce and 60 cans of stewed tomatoes, isn’t going to save you. (Unless your name is Bear from Man vs. Wild – who can start a fire using water and ice).

In one of the more recent episodes, as well as in the special I saw in the winter, there was a guy named Ethan. Some of his greatest accomplishments included 1100 boxes of cereal for $150 (a $4000 value) and 700 bottles of body wash – I don’t remember the deal on that one. His long fingernails had me sidetracked. I don’t trust men with weird hands or long fingernails. DO NOT TRUST ETHAN. His stockpile was ridiculous – although he did help with care packages for soldiers…. what do you really need with all of that other stuff? I have a hard enough time fitting all my shoes in my closet, where the hell would I store a 1 ton crate of Grape Nuts cereal? Not to mention Ethan drives a Prius with a trailer hitch on the back. LOL I swear to God, if I saw him on the highway I would run him right off the road. BUT…. the two faced person I am – I would love to be friends with him – you know, in the off chance that I go broke and hungry or if his stock pile really does pan out in a nuclear war. I could probably just clip coupons and stalk stores for sales myself, but I’m busy. I’m watching TV and eating Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I can only do so much.

Hoarding – Buried Alive

I usually don’t write about these shows because they are sensitive and these people really do have problems, but I HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT Kelain and her boyfriend Kevin. I won’t go into too much detail except to say this: she collects hats, frog statues, stuffed penguins, giraffes and koala bears and …. you ready? BANANAS! Rotting, black, bananas. She puts the banana peels on the ceiling fan like a mobile for a baby. She collects these things because they love her and she loves them. Here’s her pic. God love her.

Moral of the Story: Ethan should get Kelain some bananas with a few of his coupons. Maybe Slade too.

Just a Thought: Scream 4? Just when I thought I’d never have to see Neve Campbell ever again.

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Gary’s Teeth

I’m sorry! I’m Sorry! It’s been a busy few weeks with Red Sox back in season, Bruins and Celtics in the playoffs and almost complete loss over the control of the television. ALMOST.

Real Housewives of Miami Reunion

Thank God it’s over.

Real Housewives of New York

So I liked Alex a lot last year but now that Bethenny is off this show, clearly Alex sees the void of the mouthy one and feels like she needs to fill it. I’ll just say this – if I looked like a white gaunt skeletal Gumby with receding teeth and had a husband who had beady eyes and skin like an iguana, I wouldn’t be mouthing off to anyone…I’d be to afraid of the type of insult I might get back. Could do permanent damage. But I guess what do I really know… she’s a model now after all. She wouldn’t drop Jill knowing/not-knowing about her going to the wedding and then Jill possibly not making it to the marriage equality march even though she was on the committee. Deep breaths, Alex – these things don’t have an everlasting impact on your life.

Speaking of the marriage equality march… I love Sonja, but holy schnikes! I think LuAnn summed it up best when she said Alex and Simon didn’t have the best timing in approaching her right before she took the stage as the grand marshal, but Sonja needed to know it wasn’t about Sonja. Who cares if Simon said a few words to the crowd? No one would listen to him anyway…so what’s the harm? And then Sonja confused marriage equality with gay rights. Up there on the podium she reminded me of like a drunk aunt who gets away with the things she says because she giggles. Or me when my nieces start turning 18…. I’m basically  there with my 16 year old niece. Such a role model.

Now I’d like to do a photo montage of the cast of HWNY and their hideous wardrobe choices (reminder, we are only 2 episodes in… it can only get worse – EEK!  I’m so excited!)

Simon: I get it. It’s rainbow in honor of the gays. But because it’s you and you probably have had that in your closet for years and didn’t buy it for this march AND you added a tropical 80’s cumberbund… Shame on you.

Jill: I certainly hope you all watch Watch What Happens Live on Sundays and Thursdays, because it might just be a thousand times more entertaining than any of the shows on Bravo. In any event, Ramona and Jill were on last week and HOLY MIDLIFE CRISIS BATMAN! Jill apparently dropped her trademark bangs and red hair to be a Madonna impersonator. 1 – nice rhinestoned cuffed pleather leggings 2- No one should wear a top that has more trim than a Victorian house on the English countryside 3 – You’re too old for a hair extension ponytail 4 – when you stand up, you need to get your camel toe out of my face.

Ginger: Komono in honor of the latest earthquake in Japan on WWHL? Since when do you start wearing clothes? Oh since my man Giggy on HWBH does? And I noticed you’ve got a Twitter too. Get off Giggy’s nuts. I will not follow you. (Yes, I’m fully aware I brought a dog into this.)

Sonja: Lose the bows. You’re almost 50 (even if you look 20).

Alex: Where do I begin? Holy crap – the S&M outfit to go to an art unveiling. Really? Really?

I can’t crap on her taste completely… we both have an Aidan Mattox dress that I wore to my boyfriend’s sister’s wedding last summer. Check us out!

Me.

Her

Mob Wives

WHAT. How do their families not forbid them from doing this? And how aren’t they all in hiding after they started talking about not “waiting” while their men are in prison? I’m not going to lie but I’m actually afraid to state my opinion on this show because I don’t know who is going to knock on my door and break my knees. I mean, God knows I’ll be home watching TV. And I’d probably have a leg cramp from sitting so long that I’d just surrender.. let them beat me with a crowbar. So I’ll just keep it as this: I didn’t love it but I’m going to continue to watch it in respect of my Jersey love (let’s face it, it’s the female cast of JS, just as grown-ups), absolute and utter fear for my life, and I’d never look away from a potentially good cat fight or even a dead body. Oh the possibilities!

Audrina

WTF. Her mom needs to go to an AA meeting- STAT. I understand how they are trying to market this show – that her family keeps her grounded- but still don’t see the point of it. From the looks of it, I don’t see what stableness she could possibly be attaining… let’s recap- Her mom needs solitary confinement, I’m shocked her sister with the tats doesn’t just walk around spraying people in the face with mace with how defensive she is, her brother is a mooch and her dad and other sister only smile. Actually, I’d need them around too to make myself feel normal too. But like with Mob Wives, I’ll continue watching because if I even have a slight chance of seeing Speidi… I’m there. You know me, I love trainwrecks and mental breakdowns of any sort, so naturally Heidi and her surgeries have me missing her like crazy.

Celebrity Apprentice

Gary Busey got kicked off! OMG! I only watch this show because NeNe Leakes from Housewives of Atlanta is on it and now I’m hooked. Every week you think Gary is going to get kicked off because he doesn’t form solid sentences, doesn’t make sense, can’t work with a team, forgets what he says, forgets what the task is… but no, every week Trump saves him and sends someone else who is a thousand times more competent than him home. I was completely convinced that Gary could do naked snow angels on Trump’s desk and then shoot puppies right between the eyes in a line-up and still not get fired. But alas, I was wrong.

I don’t understand how everyone on the woman’s team could hate LaToya Jackson. The lady grew up with Michael Jackson, people! Blood relative! I think she’s actually good on the team, but whatever…. if anyone should be getting away with Gary Busey’s actions, it should be LaToya Jackson. Then you can just chalk it up to being a Jackson, for crying out loud. But she doesn’t do that, they just don’t like her. I don’t like them (except NeNe)! So there.

On a side note… his [Gary] teeth are ridic. I wouldn’t be able to look at him if he were talking straight to me. Does he floss? Do you tell him if he had food in his teeth or do you think he’d just know because they are so huge? Can you imagine the impression on a WonderBread sandwich he would have with just a bite? Holy crap.

Moral of the Story: Watch what you wear, watch what you say because you never know when Gary Busey or a Mob Wife will come looking for you.

Just a Thought: I’m currently obsessed with Hugh’s uni-brow on Top Chef Masters. Are you?

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Free Jenelle

As I get older, I can’t hang like I used to. I went to see Rod Stewart and Stevie Nicks on Wednesday – had a couple of drinks and was lucky I could tie my shoes the next day. Is this what it is from here on out? Am I an old lady? I used to be a rockstar. Snooki Waaaaah. I seriously could drink all night, everything and anything I wanted, not sleep and go straight to work without so much as a headache and do it all over again the next night. Now, if I have plans on a Saturday and someone asks me to do something on a Thursday- I’m like, jeez, I really don’t know. But when it comes to going to concerts of people who are light years older than me, I’m all about it and then I blog about it on weekend nights. The rate I’m going, for my 30th birthday this summer, all my girlfriends and I will go out for coffee, take a nap and then a pottery painting class or something. As I type this all out, I realize, I’m the Webster’s definition of a loser. Woe is me.

Housewives of Orange County

Anyone else think that fame got to Gretchen? I mean I guess I can’t see why for any of these reality stars, why it wouldn’t – but slow down girl. She’s very abrasive this year. I liked her much better when she was dating a 95 year old man. I’m getting tired of Slade, her cackle, wearing a bikini top as a t-shirt, the zit-mole on her cheek and the confessional of her looking like she’s on the show Designing Women with her fushia flower shirt and her curly pony tail to the side. She’s really annoying me lately.  But it all makes sense when they show her dad in the latest episode…. ewww. They go out to lunch and the waitress, who can’t be more than 19 years old, introduces herself as Sam. His reply? As in like, with an S and an M? YUCK. Get the pepper spray, Sam! Now I know where Gretchen gets it from.

At last years reunion Alexis and Jim talked about how he was unhappy with how controlling he appeared to be and how it isn’t really like that. Thank God they cleared the air because I’m not sure how I would’ve taken the threat he gave her about not letting her new dress line interfere with her responsibility to him and to the kids if they hadn’t done that. She said that he fronted the money but the second it took the time she’s supposed to focus on her family away, he’s pulling the money out and the dress line away from her. Way to make her dreams happen, Jim.. And wait. Wait. The dress line is for women like her to do the errands they run, to the mall, grocery store, etc. I don’t know about you – but we here in New England get Ugg slippers and pass them off as cute loafers and wear them with our sweatpants and run errands. That’s about as fancy as our errands get. I hope she has one hell of a marketing director for the East Coast.

Vicky and Tamra go to Cabo in this episode because the fights with Simon last season didn’t seem to help anyone’s relationship. For a second there, I thought I was watching Housewives of Atlanta when Vicky asked Tamra to write friendship vows and read them to her on the beach the next day. This is like the friendship contract for NeNe and Cynthia. Naturally, Tamra didn’t do it because that 40 something year old was too busy during the day having people do body shots off her stomach. Hey, guys. I know you’ve had a shit ton of plastic surgery but you aren’t on MTV Spring Break. Knock it off. You’re almost 50. Well, I mean, I guess good for them, being older and doing all that – but my only two goals when I’m that age is to find at least one pair of button and zip fly pants that fit me and to have all of my own teeth. Only time will tell.

Bethenny Ever After

Speaking of 40 year olds, Bethenny in this episode is about to turn 40. Instead of doing body shots in a bikini on a pool bar in Mexico, she goes out with her girlfriends, gets going on planning a party and agrees to take on the show ‘Skating with the Stars’.  Go big or go home, huh? The best part of the whole episode was when she goes to the skate shop to get fitted for skates and check out outfits and a little 10 year old Scott Hamilton Jr. know-it-all was in there giving her pointers and basically belittling her current skating abilities. He’s asking if she can skate on one foot, she says I can do that, is that impressive to people? He says Oh yes with a ‘tude like how pathetic and sad she is.  I loved it – he’s a snobby 50 year old trapped in a 10 year old male figure skating body. What’s not to love? Later on in the episode, she meets her ice husband, Ethan. As it turns out, Ethan has a famous crotch as he was the body double for Jon Heder in Blades of Glory. Go ice husband!

Teen Mom 2 Finale

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s what everyone has hoped for since the very first episode and the highlight of the MTV Teen Mom series. Jenelle gets arrested!! Woo hoo!  Our favorite little life-mess gets thrown in the slammer for breaking & entering and possession of marijuana. When I heard breaking & entering, I lit up like a Christmas tree… that was way more than I was expecting! She never ceases to amaze me. The best part was when she called her mom and it was so casual. Hey I’m in jail? What are you doing in there? She might as well’ve been running errands with Alexis from HWoOC. When she gets home and gets to talking with her mom about her behavior, her mom starts crying and Jenelle, who I am 100% convinced is completely heartless, is like Ok, sorry mom. I’m surprised her mother hasn’t been hospitalized yet – either from the stress of her daughter or the pitch of her own voice causing her a massive brain aneurysm…. and all Jenelle can say is basically, my bad. Is it too late to put her up for adoption? And she got Keifer out of jail. Shocker. Seriously, adoption?

How about that wedding of Leah & Corey?? I got so excited when I saw the camo vests and lime green ties on the ushers and then the bridesmaids carrying the electric candles down the aisle! Made me realize that I haven’t blogged about Big Redneck Wedding in a while – or even better, the spinoff, Big Redneck Baby. I’ll put it on my to-do list. In all honesty, they are so cute, their whole little family, even if they are hillbilly-ish. My favorite rednecks, by far. I would bet that they’ll get their own spinoff eventually, what do you guys think?

Jersey Shore Reunion

This is short and sweet, so bullet points are in order.

1 – Did Jwow get botox?? Her face looked tight and shiney. Oh c’mon. Head out of the gutter, people.

2 – Glad Deena got to clarify that behind that hot mess is a genuine good person and for the record she’d like to clear the air about the barber shop rumor. Go girl!

3- If you don’t already know, I really hate Ronnie. He’s annoying in the reunion – trying to be smug, I hate his cocky-want-to-punch-it-off-his-face smirk he so arrogantly wears, how he bites his nails and claps obnoxiously. He’s trying to be a prick on tv… like it’s attractive or something. I hate him.

4 – Could the host make any more uncomfortable transition statements? Oh my God, right before every commercial it was a line like, “come right back even if it’s GTL time!” or “now take the chicken tortellini out of the oven and come right back!” or after talking about Mike’s strange relationship with Jenni’s dogs, it was “don’t go anywhere even if you have to whisper to your dog.” WHAT? Ok we get it.

5- I really can’t wait for Italy!

Moral of the Story: Friendship contracts are out. Camo is in.

Just a Thought: Secretly love that Charlie Sheen bombed in Detroit this weekend. He hasn’t tweeted since before the show. Winning? Eh, notsomuch. I watched most of the show on youtube today. Thank god I saved my would-be ticket money for wine.

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Bootlegs & Lysol Wipes

I did dinner and some shopping last night with Pauline and when I got home, Miah and I decided we’d put on a bootleg copy of Black Swan that one of our friends let us borrow. We heard it was weird but figured with the ballet scenes and stuff, it’d be easy enough to fall asleep to. Yeah, ok. 3am we are both up and the movie is over, sitting there frozen like someone zapped us with a 50,000 volt taser and sucked all the blood out of our bodies. I won’t spoil it for those of you who haven’t seen it, but WTF? It’s the type of movie you need to talk about afterwards, you know, after you sit there in silence for 3 solid minutes not blinking, feeling like you need a tetanus shot. Annnnd then I had a nightmare. So, thanks, Natalie Portman. Note to self, just stick to Dumb and Dumber for reliable pre-bedtime movies. Why can’t someone lend me a bootleg copy of Never Say Never for God’s sake?

Teen Mom 2

The past few episodes of this show really makes me wonder if Jenelle knows she’s being followed by a camera crew. I understand she’s 16 but I’m still confused. On her first date with Kiefer when they get ice cream that she makes him lick her melting cone several times -um, ew.. I mean I know you’ve swapped spit and most likely other bodily fluids prior to this excursion but I don’t know. Ice cream and popcorn are my babies. I hate to share most things in my life, but those two are top of the list. I would NEVER share an ice cream cone. Ice cream in a bowl with a spoon…maybe. Cone? No way. It’s just one of those things in my world that is right up there with a mama bird regurgitating what’s in her stomach for her baby. Like… I’m good…all set. And no lie, if I ever have kids and their cone is dripping on a hot summer day, it’s gonna drip if I don’t have a napkin. I’m not licking it and they can’t have a taste of mine. My flesh and blood or not, I’m not sharing my ice cream cone or saving yours. So when she met him yesterday and then made him lick her ice cream then smeared it on the picnic table (and like the sinner she is, wasted a perfectly good scoop as it fell to the ground), I wanted to smack her unshaped eyebrows off her face.

The hickeys, Kiefer’s arm bandages in the most recent episode, and her mom flipping about financial aid forms for no reason. This family needs indoor voices, necklaces that aren’t made of hemp, stress balls, Calgon and a therapy session.

Honestly, other than Chelsea’s boyfriend Adam’s sleeveless shirts which he’s hand cut into so deep that they look like high school wrestling unitards, I black out after I see Jenelle. Kalyn and Joe bore me and there isn’t anything to joke about with the twins situation. I feel bad Chelsea’s friend Morgan moved out because she’ll probably find out pretty soon that once a dick, always a dick… but she’s young, so baby or not, she hasn’t realized that yet. I hope she can eventually save her friendship, because she’s really mastered how to take advantage of that girl babysitting-wise. It’d be a shame to let that go. And it’s really too bad Adam ruins everything…. father/daughter relationships, friendships, perfectly good tshirts, etc.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion

I’ll make this quick.

I loved how cute Rihanna looked. Oh, I mean Kandi. She’s so cute.

Can you believe Kim is writing a book about how to land your own Big Pappa? WHAT? So, how to perfect the art of gold-digging, really? Didn’t you not land Big Pappa? You accidentally landed a 25 year old 5th round draft pick for the NFL by getting pregnant. Score! I think I’ll write a book about something I didn’t do too. I could write about dressing my Shih Tzu Henry up in costumes when I’m bored and how he loves me enough to just play dead and make his limbs go limp so they are easy to work with. OR I could write about how to go into CVS for only toothpaste and leave with press-on nails, a heating pad, tissue paper, socks, 2 chapsticks, pens, a hairbrush, a humidifier, a home wax kit, Crest white strips and never ever remember the toothpaste.  OR I could write about how to make a weekly meal plan and gym schedule and set your alarm every morning and then press snooze 95 times and completely miss the gym and breakfast all together. Well, wait, this is everything that I do do, so I need to write about stuff that I don’t do…What could it be? Suggestions? I mean the list is unlimited. I really don’t do much so the world is my oyster.

I’m not even going to talk about the race issue that was brought up and the whole consuming of canned foods because of a white household nonsense. I have to keep my blood pressure stable since I haven’t recovered from the Bieber episode of Glee this week. I’ve got the fever.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

How do I get RuPaul’s body? Seriously. This man has the best female body I’ve ever seen.

So the challenge was to basically do a news cast including a weather girl, gossip girl, an interviewer and two anchors for QNN News Station. I didn’t love this episode this much because it wasn’t as over the top as it usually is. I like my drag queens to be obnoxious. I did however love that Maria asked the guest celebrity, Kristin Cavalleri, if she was really a genetic woman. Big highlight. I’m not a fan.

In the end it was between Stacey and India in the Lip Sync for your Life. The song? Meeting in the Ladies Room. Wonderful choice for any gay lip sync-er and I thought they did a great job. Sadly, India had to Sashay, Away. I think Stacey should have gone but that was just me. In any event, Condragulations!

Jersey Shore

First off, the anonymous undies they found in the bathroom…. they pick them up with a stick because they don’t want to physically touch them. Then rest them for viewing on the community beanbag. Did anyone else notice that? From this point forward, whenever they show the beanbag or someone sitting on it, I’m going to shudder to myself. Although I’m sure none of them are concerned about herpes or crabs anymore, for what it’s worth, Lysol Wet Wipes are $4 a container, FYI.

I hate Ronnie. One whinebag goes home and now we get another one? Enough already! He’s flipping out that the girls moved Sammi’s stuff and says that the girls should only get involved if it involves them. Um, did you see what I saw last week? You involved every single person in the house. In fact, you both were physically restrained by all of your roommates.. but you must have forgot when your Xandrine trip bed throwing roid rage breakdown cloaked you in pure blindness and loss of cognizance. He felt weird that he was at Karma without Sam…. did you miss her or miss having something to be mad about in order to have someone to make up with? Snap out of it and stop clogging the toilet.

They made one of the main storylines of the episode Deena’s constipation. They kept talking about it and clearly it made her emotional about everything toward the end and Ronnie needed to console her by saying the most comforting thing that any girl would want to hear, ” We are picking on you because you are like the baby sister we never wanted.” So sweet. Such touch. But immediately after the show ended, my Facebook status was ‘So, wait, did Deena ever take a shit or what?’ I mean, I am not the least bit concerned about her bowel movements, but if you’re going to make it a major issue, I’m going to be curious. Hey MTV, in school your essays needed to have a conclusion. You fail.

American Idol

I’m pumped that Sideshow Bob (Brett is his name I think) made it through, Lauren Aliania, Scottie McCrevy and a few other of my fav’s got through. If the kid Jaycee who looks EXACTLY like little Chris Farley in Tommy Boy didn’t make it through I was going to lose it. I don’t think he’s going to win, but I think America will keep him around for a while. Or at the rate I vote when I watch this show, I’ll single handedly keep him around for a few weeks. You’re welcome. I’m proud of him – he’s totally turning around the stereotype for chubby male teenagers with yellowish teeth who sing… he’s going to get so much boy-band ass when he goes home. Good for you, kid. You deserve it.

Moral of the Story: Be careful what you do with ice cream cones and beanbag chairs. Germs spread quick.

Thought of the Day: Friday I’m in Puerto Rico and cruise bound… can’t wait! This will be me, minus the puppets.

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From Earth to Uranus

I have a cold and when my sinuses are congested, my gums kill. I heard that your sinuses drain into your gums, so it makes sense. But I feel like I’m teething. I keep biting on my fingers, I look like the thumb sucker from My Strange Addiction these days. I’m gonna have to buy a package of pens and start chewing… if not, the legs of my dining room chairs, well, their days are numbered.

Tonight is my first rehearsal for the Flash Mob, I was wrong on the original date. I’m going with my friend Erica from high school and I’m super pumped. I hope there is a dance move where I can chew on a piece of furniture for gum pain relief. In celebration of this practice, I’m getting a Steak & Cheese for lunch. Gotta fluff up that second roll. No, I did a favor for my sister this morning and as a reward, she has food on the way. She knows me so well.

My Big Redneck Wedding

I don’t know if this is a repeat or not, but this episode is right up there with Allison the Huffer on Intervention in my Hall of Fame. If the bride’s favorite food wasn’t squirrel and wasn’t obsessed with road kill, we could be friends. She seemed like someone you would want in your group of friends. In any event, let’s go over the highlights, shall we?

1. He proposed to her as she was eating a PB&J sandwich.

2. The couple went into the woods to find squirrels to hunt and kill, so they could stuff them, dress them in their matching b&g camo attire  and naturally, use them as the cake toppers.

3. Empty Bud Light cans served as the tiers for the cake.

4. After driving around, they came across a dead armadillo with it’s guts all out on the road. Immediately they stopped and picked it up because it would look lovely on the aisle.

5. She shot her bouquet to the crowd of single ladies out of a potato gun.

6. Seats for the guests were haystacks.

7. The main entree for the event was grilled squirrel and cans of Bud heavies.

8. The bride wanted to have centerpieces that symbolized each of their personalities. So naturally, they went to the freezer to see which animals they had in there for stock that they could stuff and dress that would represent each of them. What’s in the freezer, you ask? ‘Coons, a bobcat, squirrels (obvi), ducks, etc… you know, what most people keep in their freezer.

9. The men wore camo button ups and the girls made their entrances on ATV’s.

10. The spoken theme for the wedding was “Camo and Taxidermy.”

11. Naturally, when it was the bride’s turn to read her vows, she pulled the paper they were written on out of her bra.

Basically, the best episode ever.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

The theme of this episode was Drag Queens in Outer Space. The ladies had to break into two teams and then act out the plays: “From Earth to Ur-anus” and “Return to Ur-anus”. This wasn’t my favorite episode, there wasn’t too much going on. Well, minus when Delta was talking about his friendship with one of the girls and he said, she knows everything, like how many cab drivers I’ve slept with. YES. Now, that’s friendship. In the end Phoenix was sent home and had to sashay away after a failed attempt at the Lip Sync for your Life to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance. The ladies got to use hand crafted breast plates for this challenge and Ru even gave it a plug…boobsforqueens.com. How about Boobs for Beth? What about me? WHAT ABOUT ME?? It’s not fair that these queens have better everything than I do. Makeup skills, outfits, heels, taxi connections and now boobs. Unfair.

Bad Girls Club

Luckily, after the Beanpot last night there was a rerun of BGC. This episode picked up where the kitchen fight with Ashley left off. I’ll just say this: security ruins everything. It could have been even better than it was if they didn’t have to send people in to break it up. I mean, I don’t condone violence, but if someone knocked Nikki unconscious, I wouldn’t hate it.

Nikki just really sucks. I know this is clear, but I don’t know how anyone can live in that house with her. She’s so annoying. Did you see her kissing that guy? Ewww… clearly that was her first kiss and she didn’t know what she was doing. And, “bro” you live in a house with a bunch of girls… can not ONE of them tell her that skin tight toga dresses aren’t meant for linebackers? I’m not making a fat joke, she’s literally a linebacker for a football team. God I can’t stand her! She hops around, trying to be annoying (nails it) – says Bro all the time, sticks her tongue out when she thinks she does something cool, wears sunglasses on top of her head and another pair on her eyes. EVERYONE KNOWS I HATE WHEN PEOPLE WEAR SUNGLASSES INDOORS. As I sit and type this, I feel my blood pressure rising. Then….THEN! She got GTL tattooed inside her lip. You are a loser.

The thing I don’t understand about reality shows these days is that a season wouldn’t be complete if they didn’t get a vacation. Um, aren’t you technically on a vacation? So of course, they sent these ladies in this episode to San Francisco. I don’t get it. But what was hilarious was that when they got there, Jessica was flipping out about how sweet the hotel was. Let me break it down… it was basically a Comfort Inn. She was like OMG this place is sick! Look, a security lock box! OMG air conditioning! Hmm.. I’m beginning to wonder how she made an audition video to get on this show if she hasn’t ever seen obvious things  before. Jess, have you ever seen a computer? Or a video camera? Do you even have cable? How did you hear about this show, anyway?

Then Nikki put a bump-it in the very front of her hair about 7 inches off the top. Everyone was like I’m not hanging out with you. She thought she looked good. Mind you she just got the GTL tattoo and was wearing a toga dress. She obviously thinks she is Snooki. I hate her even more. If she gets a Thug Life trucker hate, I’m going to get an address and find some Anthrax.

Moral of the Story: Don’t wear sunglasses indoors. It doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look like more of a loser.

Just a Thought: Only two people in the world should have mustaches. Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. That’s why I just became a fan of the page for Tom Selleck’s Mustache on FB.

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Onions & SUV’s.

I want to be a part of a flash mob before I die, and judging by my cholesterol level, that’s probably pretty soon. So, I’ve been saying I want to do it but the Modern Family repeat last week reminded that I should look into it. Luckily, there is a Facebook fan page about a Boston Flash Mob! I don’t know the deets but I submitted my email to be on their info list and I’m pretty freakin’ excited about it. I love the idea of different kinds of people getting together and doing a choreographed dance for absolutely no reason… you know like in the final scene of Teen Witch. Although I’m sure there will be much less shoulder pads in the Boston one and the little person from Poltergeist probably won’t be there, but FINGERS CROSSED!  Who’s with me?! For those of you who aren’t…. I’ll remember that when you unleash your life goals to me one day through your blog. Boo. Here’s the FB link: Boston Flash Mob – first rehearsal is Feb. 13 at different times during the day.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion

I’ll just say this. Tonight’s Part 2 better be better than Part 1. No Allison DuBois? No Jiggy? What the hell was that? I mean there were a couple of good jabs and stuff but I was underwhelmed. A couple of things…

1. Andy Cohen, these housewives have cooks, housekeepers, assistants, nannies, pool boys. You don’t think they have someone who goes food shopping for them? Were you trying to prove a point when you asked them how much a gallon of milk was and no one knew? Of course they are out of touch with reality… this isn’t a revelation.

Yipee! We should start a club and get jackets!

2. I’m glad Adrienne came around and took the tinsel out of her hair because she is the one that is quite possibly the most down to earth even though she is the richest. I did however notice that there is a new imperfection to hone in on now that the tinsel is gone, and it’s actually one that I really respect. She has uneven nostrils! It made me love her even more because I do too! I’m sure it’s from picking my nose when I was little (or now), but whenever I ask my friend Pauline if I have a bat in the cave and lean my head back she has this evil grinch smirk on her face because to her, my snout is very entertaining. How cool though? I have something in common with a bazillionaire. Success? No. Prestige? No. Wealth? No. Abnormality/Deformity? YES.

3. Can we please get over Kim not speaking up in defense of Kyle in the Camille fight? Let it go people. It was an argument. She’s not the devil… just a psycho. You knew she was never confrontational to begin with… you think that’s gonna change because Frasier’s wife is crying about the word insecure? She’s not. And to be honest, do you want her even chiming in on your defense? It seems like whenever Kim opens her mouth, it’s dumb and she’s twitching. You think people take her seriously on this show and that she’ll be the voice of reason to put all of this bickering to rest? Absolutely not, she’d make it worse. Kyle she did you a favor!

That’s all. If on tonight’s reunion they really don’t show Jiggy wearing some kind of professional outfit, I’m deleting all of the housewives from my Twitter following list. BEWARE, LADIES.

Jersey Shore

First off, I hated Angelina, but in the opening credits, I kinda miss her bellowing, UM, HELLO at the very end.

Deena gets the hospitality award. I actually was impressed that she took Ryder around town while Snooki was looking for juiceheads to switch Jenni’s lock. But then again, Deena has no friends so a new, unassuming girl is like a gold bar to her.

Off topic, but I was very surprised that the JS people knew who Bjork was and referenced her. Impressive!  But back to business. Sammi’s the worst, huh? I almost peed when Ronnie said, “You want me to bring her over here, she’ll show you her c-section.” If that doesn’t prove a point, I don’t know what will. Imagine if she said, yes! God, I was secretly praying she would. I mean I’d look away if the lady did come over to show Sammi, because 1- I’m squeamish and 2- the thought of pregnancy makes me sick, but still. It’d be so JS if a tanned lady at a bar lifted her shirt to show a scar to prove she’s taken. Awesome.

At this time, I’d like to give a huge shout out to the MTV editing department. You guys all need a raise, and if you want me to write a strongly worded letter to the big guys in your defense, I totally will. Might not help, but what the hell. When Sammi punched Ronnie, then it was silent, then they started singing Happy Birthday to Ryder… well that was like dessert after a feast. How spoiled am I? I get a Bjork comment, a possible C-section viewing to prove a point, grenade whistle, and discussion about Deena’s “interests” and then beautiful editing all in one episode! MERRY CHRISTMAS! I gave a little kid $1 for the vending machine to get his system revved up on juice and a high-fructose corn syrupy snack…. God must have been paying attention to my good deed. You’re welcome.

I really wish Sammi went home in this episode, I was bummed when Ronnie let her back. I saw online the other day they really still are together. Whatever. Let them be miserable and get bed sores. I hope they have ugly kids.

Before I wrap up my thoughts on Jersey Shore… we can’t not talk about barber shop discussion. A couple of things…

1. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! GRRRRRROOOOSSSSSSSSS!!!! I’m not saying it is true or not, but one of Miah’s friends said that Barber Shop talk doesn’t lie, Deena does. So say it is true… DUDE, YOU’RE ON TV. You now need to have an internal bad decision blocker and limit what you say/do that could possibly look bad. I know there is some leeway when it comes to the Jersey Shore kids but yowzers, this is bad. In a sick way, I am sure that she probably got some new Facebook stalkers…. you know, like Davecat. Meow.

2. Deena was wearing a tshirt at the gym that said, “I’ve got an Italian attitude.” I really hope her grandmother bought that for her as a Christmas gift and that she didn’t pick that out for herself. I hate those people that have to tell you how they are so you think about them what they think about them. Like Katy Perry, she always says, I’m quirky. No, you’re trying too hard. If you have to tell someone how you are, you aren’t. I bet Deena’s got a Cambodian dad or something. That’s probably why the garage isn’t painted in Italian colors anymore. Way to blow it, newbie.

3. I love Jenni but a tube top at the gym? Really? …Really?

Jerseylicious

Did you guys watch the finale? They had New Jersey Fashion Week. (Silence)

Recap:

Tracey finds her soulmate in 10 minutes at a club a few days before the show… they have a mutual love of onions and SUV, formerly SVU.

I spotted Kim G. from Housewives of New Jersey taking a seat in the front row of the fashion show and got pumped that I recognized a reality star in a reality show that wasn’t theirs. Yeah, I’m a loser.

Olivia’s outfit looked like the New Jersey version of Janet Jackson in her Control video, but with shoulder pads, obvi.

Alexa looks like a chicken nugget who moves their hands too much. I can’t stand her.

Moral of the Story: Uneven nostrils are socially acceptable. Deena’s taste in what she does with men and choice of t-shirts are not.

Just a Thought: Today, while I was watching The Pregnancy Pact followed by the encore presentation of Craigslist Killer on Lifetime, they showed the commercial for the Amanda Knox story that will air on Feb 21! YESSSS! So happy Hayden can take time out from the dolphins to perform this tragic story for the masses. P.U.M.P.E.D.

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Davecat.

My Wednesday recap.

My Strange Addiction

I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve ever been addicted to anything that has been life altering in my whole existence. Believe it or not, I’m including television. I think the closest thing I could say would be J.Crew or online shopping in general. Speaking of, where is my Patagonia package I’m waiting for? (They are having a great sale, FYI). But I’ve always been fascinated by it. Several people close to me in life have/had addictive habits and because I never have – I am so intrigued about how it happens. I have never done a drug in my life, not even pot, so drug addiction, is something I really am interested in learning about- I love the show Intervention, I love reading books on that addiction in particular, because it all helps me understand the root of it.

With that said, Davecat’s obsession on this most recent episode, well, uh, that’s something I still can’t understand. Davecat is addicted to his Real Doll, Sidore. She’s silicon and they have wedding rings. I would love to have attended that ceremony, if it really happened. There would be no one to talk to, and the people who are actually alive, have a serious action figure collection. After a few drinks, I’d think this was awesome, I’m sure. Gays can’t get married in most places but people are allowed to marry inanimate objects? You win again corporate America! Engraved in the inside of their rings, it says, “Synthetic Love Lasts Forever.” I wish I could have seen my own face when he said that. I of course, had to watch this in the other room, because my boyfriend was having nothing to do with this. So I didn’t have anyone to share this joyous moment with. Bummer.

In this episode, Davecat and an enabling friend of his (with a pulse) went shopping for the wifey. Literally said, “going shopping for the Mrs.” I don’t think I blinked at all, actually now thinking back on it. They were DEAD SERIOUS PICKING OUT CLOTHES FOR A FAKE PERSON. Do you think she’ll like this? Is this a little too office? Well, she likes the office look. WHAT? It reminds me of one time when I was waitressing with my friend Court and she had this table that requested a high chair for the daughter’s teddy bear. Ok fine. Then when she went over and asked them for drinks, they all ordered and the little girl asked for a milk for the bear. She looked at the parents for consent, as they would have to spend money on this beverage that won’t be enjoyed by anyone, and they were ok with it. Not water, milk. So she comes back and is telling me about it and we get into this conversation about what would happen if she just flipped out on her. Like, your bear’s mouth doesn’t open. It can’t enjoy food. It doesn’t have a stomach and won’t digest anything you try to give it. Your bear is made of stuffing. It doesn’t have an appetite, feelings or a soul. In fact, your bear doesn’t even love you. We were crying we were laughing so hard, and in the end we didn’t tell her and the bear got the milk.

So they sent a therapist to his house and Davecat said he likes the synthetic option because he can’t deal with people’s inconsistencies, really. Ha! Then did a snicker afterward. Have you ever seen the SNL skit with Jimmy Fallon as the IT guy? I know for a fact, this guy is an IT guy who thinks he’s smarter than you. But even the therapist that came to his apartment, talked to him for a few minutes and then was basically answering the questions that he was asking, “So you resort to this because it doesn’t hurt anyone?” Davecat would say yes. You know he was doing that so he could get the f out of there…which naturally, 2 seconds later he was walking out the door. In my personal opinion, that therapist was like, I don’t even want to try. This guy makes me feel so uncomfortable, I need to get out of here STAT.

Here is the link for the SNL skit: http://www.hulu.com/watch/19050/saturday-night-live-nick-burns

The other addiction in this episode was about a girl who was obsessed with picking her scabs. I couldn’t watch it because it was making me sick, but in the end summary, she got a staff infection and had to postpone her wedding because she wanted to focus on curing her addiction. I’m be pissed if I were her husband. Yuck.

There was a BBC documentary on Davecat a few years ago that I had seen, so I’m posting it here, so you too, can experience the creepiness. Also, good news! My friend Melissa just messaged me that Davecat has a fanpage on FB (which I’m a fan of) and Sidore has a Twitter account. I’m following the shit out of her. You can too: http://twitter.com/leahtype

American Idol

I can’t believe that 15 year olds look like 20 year olds these days. When I was 15… I had a perm that was growing out, so it was like half straight on the top, then a frizzy mess toward the bottom. I had braces and wore sweatpants everyday. Clearly, a total catch.

Couple standouts to me:

Steven Tyler is insane.

J-Lo’s music note shirt. WTF.

Jerome, the kid who sang at Bar Mitzvah’s. He was really good but he moved too much for the song he was singing, Let’s get it On. Miah was like, why is he moving so much, he’s making me nervous.

The Green Bay Packer girl opera singer. WTF. Everyone knows I have Beiberfever…how dare you try to make a joke out of my little loverboy. I hate you and your stupid patriotic buttondown shirt.

Chris Medina… uh, unbelievable. Thanks for making me sob alone on the couch on a Wednesday night, brother. How incredible is this kid? I hope he makes it to the top 5 and I hope I get him in my Idol pool.

Moral of the Story: Synthetic love lasts forever… as does Beiberfever.

Thought of the Day: Remembering The Challenger and Christa McAuliffe. And the Punky Brewster episode where she was depressed about it.

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