From Earth to Uranus

I have a cold and when my sinuses are congested, my gums kill. I heard that your sinuses drain into your gums, so it makes sense. But I feel like I’m teething. I keep biting on my fingers, I look like the thumb sucker from My Strange Addiction these days. I’m gonna have to buy a package of pens and start chewing… if not, the legs of my dining room chairs, well, their days are numbered.

Tonight is my first rehearsal for the Flash Mob, I was wrong on the original date. I’m going with my friend Erica from high school and I’m super pumped. I hope there is a dance move where I can chew on a piece of furniture for gum pain relief. In celebration of this practice, I’m getting a Steak & Cheese for lunch. Gotta fluff up that second roll. No, I did a favor for my sister this morning and as a reward, she has food on the way. She knows me so well.

My Big Redneck Wedding

I don’t know if this is a repeat or not, but this episode is right up there with Allison the Huffer on Intervention in my Hall of Fame. If the bride’s favorite food wasn’t squirrel and wasn’t obsessed with road kill, we could be friends. She seemed like someone you would want in your group of friends. In any event, let’s go over the highlights, shall we?

1. He proposed to her as she was eating a PB&J sandwich.

2. The couple went into the woods to find squirrels to hunt and kill, so they could stuff them, dress them in their matching b&g camo attire  and naturally, use them as the cake toppers.

3. Empty Bud Light cans served as the tiers for the cake.

4. After driving around, they came across a dead armadillo with it’s guts all out on the road. Immediately they stopped and picked it up because it would look lovely on the aisle.

5. She shot her bouquet to the crowd of single ladies out of a potato gun.

6. Seats for the guests were haystacks.

7. The main entree for the event was grilled squirrel and cans of Bud heavies.

8. The bride wanted to have centerpieces that symbolized each of their personalities. So naturally, they went to the freezer to see which animals they had in there for stock that they could stuff and dress that would represent each of them. What’s in the freezer, you ask? ‘Coons, a bobcat, squirrels (obvi), ducks, etc… you know, what most people keep in their freezer.

9. The men wore camo button ups and the girls made their entrances on ATV’s.

10. The spoken theme for the wedding was “Camo and Taxidermy.”

11. Naturally, when it was the bride’s turn to read her vows, she pulled the paper they were written on out of her bra.

Basically, the best episode ever.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

The theme of this episode was Drag Queens in Outer Space. The ladies had to break into two teams and then act out the plays: “From Earth to Ur-anus” and “Return to Ur-anus”. This wasn’t my favorite episode, there wasn’t too much going on. Well, minus when Delta was talking about his friendship with one of the girls and he said, she knows everything, like how many cab drivers I’ve slept with. YES. Now, that’s friendship. In the end Phoenix was sent home and had to sashay away after a failed attempt at the Lip Sync for your Life to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance. The ladies got to use hand crafted breast plates for this challenge and Ru even gave it a plug…boobsforqueens.com. How about Boobs for Beth? What about me? WHAT ABOUT ME?? It’s not fair that these queens have better everything than I do. Makeup skills, outfits, heels, taxi connections and now boobs. Unfair.

Bad Girls Club

Luckily, after the Beanpot last night there was a rerun of BGC. This episode picked up where the kitchen fight with Ashley left off. I’ll just say this: security ruins everything. It could have been even better than it was if they didn’t have to send people in to break it up. I mean, I don’t condone violence, but if someone knocked Nikki unconscious, I wouldn’t hate it.

Nikki just really sucks. I know this is clear, but I don’t know how anyone can live in that house with her. She’s so annoying. Did you see her kissing that guy? Ewww… clearly that was her first kiss and she didn’t know what she was doing. And, “bro” you live in a house with a bunch of girls… can not ONE of them tell her that skin tight toga dresses aren’t meant for linebackers? I’m not making a fat joke, she’s literally a linebacker for a football team. God I can’t stand her! She hops around, trying to be annoying (nails it) – says Bro all the time, sticks her tongue out when she thinks she does something cool, wears sunglasses on top of her head and another pair on her eyes. EVERYONE KNOWS I HATE WHEN PEOPLE WEAR SUNGLASSES INDOORS. As I sit and type this, I feel my blood pressure rising. Then….THEN! She got GTL tattooed inside her lip. You are a loser.

The thing I don’t understand about reality shows these days is that a season wouldn’t be complete if they didn’t get a vacation. Um, aren’t you technically on a vacation? So of course, they sent these ladies in this episode to San Francisco. I don’t get it. But what was hilarious was that when they got there, Jessica was flipping out about how sweet the hotel was. Let me break it down… it was basically a Comfort Inn. She was like OMG this place is sick! Look, a security lock box! OMG air conditioning! Hmm.. I’m beginning to wonder how she made an audition video to get on this show if she hasn’t ever seen obvious things  before. Jess, have you ever seen a computer? Or a video camera? Do you even have cable? How did you hear about this show, anyway?

Then Nikki put a bump-it in the very front of her hair about 7 inches off the top. Everyone was like I’m not hanging out with you. She thought she looked good. Mind you she just got the GTL tattoo and was wearing a toga dress. She obviously thinks she is Snooki. I hate her even more. If she gets a Thug Life trucker hate, I’m going to get an address and find some Anthrax.

Moral of the Story: Don’t wear sunglasses indoors. It doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look like more of a loser.

Just a Thought: Only two people in the world should have mustaches. Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. That’s why I just became a fan of the page for Tom Selleck’s Mustache on FB.

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