Archive for Jersey Shore

Free Jenelle

As I get older, I can’t hang like I used to. I went to see Rod Stewart and Stevie Nicks on Wednesday – had a couple of drinks and was lucky I could tie my shoes the next day. Is this what it is from here on out? Am I an old lady? I used to be a rockstar. Snooki Waaaaah. I seriously could drink all night, everything and anything I wanted, not sleep and go straight to work without so much as a headache and do it all over again the next night. Now, if I have plans on a Saturday and someone asks me to do something on a Thursday- I’m like, jeez, I really don’t know. But when it comes to going to concerts of people who are light years older than me, I’m all about it and then I blog about it on weekend nights. The rate I’m going, for my 30th birthday this summer, all my girlfriends and I will go out for coffee, take a nap and then a pottery painting class or something. As I type this all out, I realize, I’m the Webster’s definition of a loser. Woe is me.

Housewives of Orange County

Anyone else think that fame got to Gretchen? I mean I guess I can’t see why for any of these reality stars, why it wouldn’t – but slow down girl. She’s very abrasive this year. I liked her much better when she was dating a 95 year old man. I’m getting tired of Slade, her cackle, wearing a bikini top as a t-shirt, the zit-mole on her cheek and the confessional of her looking like she’s on the show Designing Women with her fushia flower shirt and her curly pony tail to the side. She’s really annoying me lately.  But it all makes sense when they show her dad in the latest episode…. ewww. They go out to lunch and the waitress, who can’t be more than 19 years old, introduces herself as Sam. His reply? As in like, with an S and an M? YUCK. Get the pepper spray, Sam! Now I know where Gretchen gets it from.

At last years reunion Alexis and Jim talked about how he was unhappy with how controlling he appeared to be and how it isn’t really like that. Thank God they cleared the air because I’m not sure how I would’ve taken the threat he gave her about not letting her new dress line interfere with her responsibility to him and to the kids if they hadn’t done that. She said that he fronted the money but the second it took the time she’s supposed to focus on her family away, he’s pulling the money out and the dress line away from her. Way to make her dreams happen, Jim.. And wait. Wait. The dress line is for women like her to do the errands they run, to the mall, grocery store, etc. I don’t know about you – but we here in New England get Ugg slippers and pass them off as cute loafers and wear them with our sweatpants and run errands. That’s about as fancy as our errands get. I hope she has one hell of a marketing director for the East Coast.

Vicky and Tamra go to Cabo in this episode because the fights with Simon last season didn’t seem to help anyone’s relationship. For a second there, I thought I was watching Housewives of Atlanta when Vicky asked Tamra to write friendship vows and read them to her on the beach the next day. This is like the friendship contract for NeNe and Cynthia. Naturally, Tamra didn’t do it because that 40 something year old was too busy during the day having people do body shots off her stomach. Hey, guys. I know you’ve had a shit ton of plastic surgery but you aren’t on MTV Spring Break. Knock it off. You’re almost 50. Well, I mean, I guess good for them, being older and doing all that – but my only two goals when I’m that age is to find at least one pair of button and zip fly pants that fit me and to have all of my own teeth. Only time will tell.

Bethenny Ever After

Speaking of 40 year olds, Bethenny in this episode is about to turn 40. Instead of doing body shots in a bikini on a pool bar in Mexico, she goes out with her girlfriends, gets going on planning a party and agrees to take on the show ‘Skating with the Stars’.  Go big or go home, huh? The best part of the whole episode was when she goes to the skate shop to get fitted for skates and check out outfits and a little 10 year old Scott Hamilton Jr. know-it-all was in there giving her pointers and basically belittling her current skating abilities. He’s asking if she can skate on one foot, she says I can do that, is that impressive to people? He says Oh yes with a ‘tude like how pathetic and sad she is.  I loved it – he’s a snobby 50 year old trapped in a 10 year old male figure skating body. What’s not to love? Later on in the episode, she meets her ice husband, Ethan. As it turns out, Ethan has a famous crotch as he was the body double for Jon Heder in Blades of Glory. Go ice husband!

Teen Mom 2 Finale

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s what everyone has hoped for since the very first episode and the highlight of the MTV Teen Mom series. Jenelle gets arrested!! Woo hoo!  Our favorite little life-mess gets thrown in the slammer for breaking & entering and possession of marijuana. When I heard breaking & entering, I lit up like a Christmas tree… that was way more than I was expecting! She never ceases to amaze me. The best part was when she called her mom and it was so casual. Hey I’m in jail? What are you doing in there? She might as well’ve been running errands with Alexis from HWoOC. When she gets home and gets to talking with her mom about her behavior, her mom starts crying and Jenelle, who I am 100% convinced is completely heartless, is like Ok, sorry mom. I’m surprised her mother hasn’t been hospitalized yet – either from the stress of her daughter or the pitch of her own voice causing her a massive brain aneurysm…. and all Jenelle can say is basically, my bad. Is it too late to put her up for adoption? And she got Keifer out of jail. Shocker. Seriously, adoption?

How about that wedding of Leah & Corey?? I got so excited when I saw the camo vests and lime green ties on the ushers and then the bridesmaids carrying the electric candles down the aisle! Made me realize that I haven’t blogged about Big Redneck Wedding in a while – or even better, the spinoff, Big Redneck Baby. I’ll put it on my to-do list. In all honesty, they are so cute, their whole little family, even if they are hillbilly-ish. My favorite rednecks, by far. I would bet that they’ll get their own spinoff eventually, what do you guys think?

Jersey Shore Reunion

This is short and sweet, so bullet points are in order.

1 – Did Jwow get botox?? Her face looked tight and shiney. Oh c’mon. Head out of the gutter, people.

2 – Glad Deena got to clarify that behind that hot mess is a genuine good person and for the record she’d like to clear the air about the barber shop rumor. Go girl!

3- If you don’t already know, I really hate Ronnie. He’s annoying in the reunion – trying to be smug, I hate his cocky-want-to-punch-it-off-his-face smirk he so arrogantly wears, how he bites his nails and claps obnoxiously. He’s trying to be a prick on tv… like it’s attractive or something. I hate him.

4 – Could the host make any more uncomfortable transition statements? Oh my God, right before every commercial it was a line like, “come right back even if it’s GTL time!” or “now take the chicken tortellini out of the oven and come right back!” or after talking about Mike’s strange relationship with Jenni’s dogs, it was “don’t go anywhere even if you have to whisper to your dog.” WHAT? Ok we get it.

5- I really can’t wait for Italy!

Moral of the Story: Friendship contracts are out. Camo is in.

Just a Thought: Secretly love that Charlie Sheen bombed in Detroit this weekend. He hasn’t tweeted since before the show. Winning? Eh, notsomuch. I watched most of the show on youtube today. Thank god I saved my would-be ticket money for wine.

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I’m back, bitches.

I’m back and alive… just a tanner, fatter version of me. You know, I was upset with myself that I wasn’t going to the gym more and instead, I was eating my body weight in steak and cheese subs and potato skins before the cruise… but it’s actually a good thing I did. I don’t think I was fully prepared for the endless amount of food you consume on a cruise. I mean I’m always game to challenging myself to an eating contest any day of the week, but if I didn’t unconsciously prepare with the subs and skins ahead of time, I really wouldn’t have been able to make myself as proud as I did on the trip. I gained a solid 4.5 pounds and if the thought of missing a meal or being late to a meal crossed Miah’s mind – I flipped my shit on him. When you build up my tolerance at an endless buffet like that, I’m going to get feisty and flip if you tamper with it. God help him and those dear to me when I become pregnant. I’m going to let myself (really) go and eat anything that’s not tied down. Can’t wait! (Well for the eating part, not the human-growing-in-my-stomach-being-a-parent-changing-diapers-vaginal-stitches part).

All the islands were gorgeous, the people were amazing, and clearly the food was unbelievable. It was such a great time! It’s good to be home though. I loved vacation but now I’m freezing, peeling, and starving with no buffet.  And of course, now I feel like I need another vacation to catch up on my DVR. Talk about stress! Holy crap. There aren’t enough hours in the day. So I decided I’m starting fresh with a diet, the gym and with my shows, if I miss some, I miss some… please forgive me.

Jersey Shore

I know in the previous week’s episode Sammi came back, they put cheese in Mike’s bed in retaliation for sending Snooki and Deena to NYC in a cab, and Ronnie continued to call Snooki, Schnookie solely to irritate the crap out of me. But in this past episode, it was much, much more entertaining…except for the lack of Teddy Graham boxes and 4C juice tins in the kitchen this time around. If you keep your eyes peeled in most episodes, you can get a good idea of how these glamazons stay in tip top shape diet-wise.

Mike let the dogs, Lean Cuisine and Juice Box, let loose. I like those names because I like food. Stupid me just stuck with Henry… although it suits him, second time around I’m going to go with Tuna Melt or Cool Ranch Dorito. Genius. Those little bastards were eating like me on the cruise minus it being served in a trash bag – even though I wouldn’t have refused it that way.

Did you see when Pauly and Vinny were leaving Vinny’s house after dinner? I tried to count but it went to fast. There were at least 85-90 people on his front lawn. That’s his family for a no-reason dinner! It’s not even Thanksgiving! I don’t even know that many people and I can bet my ass that even if I did, I couldn’t get them to eat dinner with me for no reason. Boo.

And as predicted, Ronnie and Sam got back together and 20 minutes later they were fighting and broke up. All because she couldn’t admit that she was texting with a guy named Arvin that looked like an anteater. I would have admitted it, I mean the texts are proof, but then I would have been dying laughing at him for getting jealous at that. Would have chalked the whole thing up to being a joke on him. She needs some lessons – in relationships as well as wearing a proper bra with a strappy backed dress. Drives me nuts in every club scene.

Naturally, the roommates couldn’t take it…. Mike saying that Ronnie was crying on his shoulder, calling for roses, listening to Michael Bolton and Vinny and Pauly with the GTF – Gym Tanning Find out who Sammi is texting or GTI – Gym Tanning I’m not buying it.  I’m more GTG – Gym Tanning Give up on this relationship already because I’d rather be jealous and watch the dogs eat out of the trash. I’m starving!

Bad Girls Club

I go on vacation and Ashley is gone and there is a blonde from Jersey out of nowhere? Me no likey. I don’t like this new girl, Jennifer. Now I know it could be because I missed the episode where she actually showed up and am too overwhelmed by my DVR to find it, but I don’t care. Who does she think she is showing up while I’m away? Tisk, tisk. She goes insane when there is a cricket in the room when she is on the phone…like seriously insane. About as insane as I get when I see a car decorated with a wreath or like Rudolph for Christmas….that intense. Then how about when she yells at the even newer girl that came in this episode and called her a replacement. Uh, isn’t that exactly what you are? I get it. Jersey is becoming trendy. I mean, not trendy enough for anyone to actually move there, but good TV trendy. This girl needs to go back there and get locked in a room full of crickets. It’s sad when I think Nikki is possibly more tolerable than her. POSSIBLY.

I haven’t been a fan of Jess since the very beginning. With the hair gel, the open flannels over a tight half shirt, the baggy pants… you’d think she was an extra in TLC’s Creep video. But then her brother Aaron showed up! Jackpot! He’s like a Jersey guido and she’s the girl from your high school in 1995 that you didn’t want to F with – what a fam! Let’s just go over how she described him in her confessional, “he’s like me just twice as raw.” What the hell does that even mean? Is raw not being able to hold your liquor, not wearing a wedding ring, peeing in your sister’s roommate’s bed, and then getting up, taking off your banana hammock and falling asleep on the floor naked with your legs crossed? So raw. Well actually, who am I kidding… a few years back I was very raw.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Why can’t I be as pretty and talented as a drag queen? I’m jealous of their bodies, their makeup ability and fashion sense. Boo. In any event, this week’s challenge was to do a PSA about why they love the USA to be sent overseas to the troops. I hope the troops appreciate it as much as I would! The guest judges for this challenge were supermodel, Cheryl Tiegs, and my arch nemisis, figure skater, Johnny Weir. I would like Johnny, but sadly that faux-hawk haired bastard bullied the crap out of my all time favorite reality star, Bethenny Frankel on Skating with the Stars. Yes, I watched that and yes, I would text my votes in for her. Bethenny got robbed on that show and I’ll never forgive Johnny for it. Never. I don’t care if he is on RuPaul’s Drag Race and wearing black leather finger gloves or if Skating with the Stars doesn’t come back for another season… his opinion is null and void to me. Bastard. And just to put emphasis on just how sucky his opinions really are, here is an example: he told one of the queens, that in their PSA there wasn’t a lot of class or integrity. Dude, the definition of integrity is honesty in your character. I think anyone who has the ability to tape their penaso up so well that you can confuse someone into thinking that you are of a different sex and then hand sew a red white and blue unitard to prove their adoration for our country and leave absolutely no sign of that penaso, well, I think they are being pretty honest in their character as a drag queen. Go back to figure skating, Weir. You suck.

The winner of the challenge was Alexis and rightly so… she Swarovski bedazzled the shit out of her ex-boyfriend’s military jacket. Meow. Unfortunately, Ru threw a wrench in the plan and made the two queens up for elimination lip sync for their life to Mickey by Tony Basil….IN SPANISH. Dun, dun DUNNNNN! Lip Sync para tu vida!! Another thing to admire about a drag queen is that they are freakin’ bilingual. Waah! I want to be a drag queen! Luckily, for the first time in the show’s history, both the ladies got to stay. But guess what? Who cares about them?! Jody Watley is next week’s judge! She better have on hoops, a tulle skirt and cat eyed makeup. Play us out Jody!

 

Moral of the Story: GTD – Gym Tanning Don’t even bother setting up your DVR when you go away on vacation… you’ll never catch up.

Just a Thought: I just saw a commercial for Cadbury Creme Eggs and almost peed my pants.

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Blame it on the Xenadrine

Because my social life is at it’s peak – I have never met a Bravo show that I didn’t love. I am talking everything – it started with Project Runway (which ironically I can’t find the Lifetime Channel unless a made for TV movie is on…sorry Tim Gunn), then moved on to Work Out, Flipping Out, Thintervention, Kathy Griffen, Top Chef, Housewives (All of them), 9 by design, Rachel Zoe, Matchmaker, Shear Genius….all of it. I watch it all. Like I said, my social life is booming. But for 4 weeks, I have attempted to watch but can’t make myself like the cast of Housewives of Miami. I have to say I hate it. Sorry Andy Cohen! Well I hate HWOM and the reruns of America’s Next Top Model every single day. Don’t even get me started on my hatred for Tyra Banks. DON’T. GET. ME. STARTED. Her eyeballs, her forehead, the fact that she feels she can speak in different accents when she feels like it and no one will notice… grr. I need a valium. So let’s dish, shall we?

Housewives of Miami

Let’s just start with the pig roast. Helllllooooo P.e.t.a.! I wonder how many animal activists have since chained their bodies to Alexia’s rod iron fence. Holy crap. I don’t do blood, guts, papercuts, mosquito bites, things like that  in general, and then I always feel bad for the injured animal in a movie more than the dead human ….Gladiator? Braveheart? Paranormal Activity? (Speaking of, in all seriousness, what was the outcome of the dog’s diagnosis in the sequel? They never answered it and it really pissed me off) Waaaahhh! So my favorite network and favorite show series thinks it’s ok to literally fling a dead pig around, gut it open, crack it’s bones and put oven mitts on it’s limbs – all on a kitchen island in front of a national audience…. hi. Can I get a disclaimer? Don’t get me wrong, I could eat bacon until the fluid retention in my body puts me right in the Guiness Book of World Records, but I don’t need to see how it’s made. Strike 1, Miami.

Marysol. Although she is probably my favorite housewife on this show – that’s not saying much. I have slim pickin’s. Talk about the worst proposal ever! I’ll just give you a 629746294769-294672-967 million dollar 10 carat ring and no hug, no kiss. JT brings me a Whopper Jr. from Burger King and I get more excited. They essentially planned their wedding and then gave each other a little peck. I don’t like when people play coy – I’m a straight to the point kind of person so when he was like I asked your dad for you hands and she said my hands??? Puke.

Lea. OK – maybe I’m delusional because I’m used to seeing each housewife looking 20 years younger thanks to the advances of modern science and surgery, but is Lea someone on the shows mother or does she just age correctly?

Kristy. By far, my least favorite housewife of all time. Reminds me of a tick-y schizo.

Elsa! The only redeeming quality about the entire show! She looks like a monster from Buffy the Vampire Slayer but I can’t get enough. I think my absolute favorite thing about her is that she wears makeup. LOL Makeup is to make you feel pretty, freshen up your look, etc. LOL Makeup, Elsa? Really? Really? It’s not helping. Although who knows what you look like without it – maybe it is helping. OBSESSED.

Jersey Shore

I may be going out on a limb here but I don’t think Sammi is wrong. I know she texted Arvin the anteater but it was the next day after her and Ronnie broke up and he ruined everything that she owned! In Miami, they broke up for 30 seconds and he went downstairs and called his ex-girlfriend to make a date! Hellllooo!! She’s not wrong. It’s definitely going to sting a little at first, Ronnie, but get over it. You’ve been way worse to her than she ever was to you. You bet your ass I’d do it too. I really hate Ronnie, like really hate him. Like tweet mean things to him on Twitter. Yeah, I’m tough. Other than his obnoxious laugh, his shit eating grins, and just his personality in general – the thing I hate the most about him is his Xenedrine commercial. “Hi, I’m Ronnie from Jersey Shore and keeping it real is what I’m all about.” AS HE’S WAVING TO A FAKE CROWD AND FAKE PAPARAZZI TALKING ABOUT A WEIGHT LOSS AND FAT CONTROL PRODUCT. Really keeping it real dude. No crowd. No real cameras. Not staying in shape naturally. Genius. I bet he wrote his own lines. F’ing idiot.

I found this video when looking up the Xenadrine commercial. Oh yes. Yes I did. Please watch. New fav.

Him talking about how is heart is broken at this point. Eww God, he’s such a loser. I mean I’m sure a good percentage of us have all been in unhealthy, unequal, unfair relationships before – but seeing this on TV, makes me appreciate so much what I have now. Although I am approaching 30 this year and can’t hold my liquor or my bladder anymore, I’m so happy that those early/mid twenty beyond frustrating relationship years are behind me. I remember when I was 26, all my girlfriends and I went to Baltimore for the Red Sox game, and my boyfriend called and flipped on me about something stupid and I was screaming at the top of my lungs, trying to get him to understand – all while my girls were in the other room sitting there listening. Very Jersey Shore-esque. Afterward, my girls calmed me down and I cried into a steak and cheese sub. Nowadays, it’s so much more enjoyable to cry into a steak and cheese sub solely because it’s even more delicious with solid peace and harmony in my life. Who knew??

The only other notable topic in the last two shows was the ‘Denim-denim-denim’ comment from Pauly to Deena. Not sure if it’s because I’m the above listed bladder issue, but I almost peed. I can’t stop saying it either. That might be the single best one liner I’ve ever heard. Ever. Where was that when JT and Brit Brit were dating??

Moral of the Story: Ron leave. Sammi leave. No one take Xenadrine. Elsa for President.

Just a Thought: Did you guys see the commercial for Mob Wives! YEEEAAAAHHHHH

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Bootlegs & Lysol Wipes

I did dinner and some shopping last night with Pauline and when I got home, Miah and I decided we’d put on a bootleg copy of Black Swan that one of our friends let us borrow. We heard it was weird but figured with the ballet scenes and stuff, it’d be easy enough to fall asleep to. Yeah, ok. 3am we are both up and the movie is over, sitting there frozen like someone zapped us with a 50,000 volt taser and sucked all the blood out of our bodies. I won’t spoil it for those of you who haven’t seen it, but WTF? It’s the type of movie you need to talk about afterwards, you know, after you sit there in silence for 3 solid minutes not blinking, feeling like you need a tetanus shot. Annnnd then I had a nightmare. So, thanks, Natalie Portman. Note to self, just stick to Dumb and Dumber for reliable pre-bedtime movies. Why can’t someone lend me a bootleg copy of Never Say Never for God’s sake?

Teen Mom 2

The past few episodes of this show really makes me wonder if Jenelle knows she’s being followed by a camera crew. I understand she’s 16 but I’m still confused. On her first date with Kiefer when they get ice cream that she makes him lick her melting cone several times -um, ew.. I mean I know you’ve swapped spit and most likely other bodily fluids prior to this excursion but I don’t know. Ice cream and popcorn are my babies. I hate to share most things in my life, but those two are top of the list. I would NEVER share an ice cream cone. Ice cream in a bowl with a spoon…maybe. Cone? No way. It’s just one of those things in my world that is right up there with a mama bird regurgitating what’s in her stomach for her baby. Like… I’m good…all set. And no lie, if I ever have kids and their cone is dripping on a hot summer day, it’s gonna drip if I don’t have a napkin. I’m not licking it and they can’t have a taste of mine. My flesh and blood or not, I’m not sharing my ice cream cone or saving yours. So when she met him yesterday and then made him lick her ice cream then smeared it on the picnic table (and like the sinner she is, wasted a perfectly good scoop as it fell to the ground), I wanted to smack her unshaped eyebrows off her face.

The hickeys, Kiefer’s arm bandages in the most recent episode, and her mom flipping about financial aid forms for no reason. This family needs indoor voices, necklaces that aren’t made of hemp, stress balls, Calgon and a therapy session.

Honestly, other than Chelsea’s boyfriend Adam’s sleeveless shirts which he’s hand cut into so deep that they look like high school wrestling unitards, I black out after I see Jenelle. Kalyn and Joe bore me and there isn’t anything to joke about with the twins situation. I feel bad Chelsea’s friend Morgan moved out because she’ll probably find out pretty soon that once a dick, always a dick… but she’s young, so baby or not, she hasn’t realized that yet. I hope she can eventually save her friendship, because she’s really mastered how to take advantage of that girl babysitting-wise. It’d be a shame to let that go. And it’s really too bad Adam ruins everything…. father/daughter relationships, friendships, perfectly good tshirts, etc.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion

I’ll make this quick.

I loved how cute Rihanna looked. Oh, I mean Kandi. She’s so cute.

Can you believe Kim is writing a book about how to land your own Big Pappa? WHAT? So, how to perfect the art of gold-digging, really? Didn’t you not land Big Pappa? You accidentally landed a 25 year old 5th round draft pick for the NFL by getting pregnant. Score! I think I’ll write a book about something I didn’t do too. I could write about dressing my Shih Tzu Henry up in costumes when I’m bored and how he loves me enough to just play dead and make his limbs go limp so they are easy to work with. OR I could write about how to go into CVS for only toothpaste and leave with press-on nails, a heating pad, tissue paper, socks, 2 chapsticks, pens, a hairbrush, a humidifier, a home wax kit, Crest white strips and never ever remember the toothpaste.  OR I could write about how to make a weekly meal plan and gym schedule and set your alarm every morning and then press snooze 95 times and completely miss the gym and breakfast all together. Well, wait, this is everything that I do do, so I need to write about stuff that I don’t do…What could it be? Suggestions? I mean the list is unlimited. I really don’t do much so the world is my oyster.

I’m not even going to talk about the race issue that was brought up and the whole consuming of canned foods because of a white household nonsense. I have to keep my blood pressure stable since I haven’t recovered from the Bieber episode of Glee this week. I’ve got the fever.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

How do I get RuPaul’s body? Seriously. This man has the best female body I’ve ever seen.

So the challenge was to basically do a news cast including a weather girl, gossip girl, an interviewer and two anchors for QNN News Station. I didn’t love this episode this much because it wasn’t as over the top as it usually is. I like my drag queens to be obnoxious. I did however love that Maria asked the guest celebrity, Kristin Cavalleri, if she was really a genetic woman. Big highlight. I’m not a fan.

In the end it was between Stacey and India in the Lip Sync for your Life. The song? Meeting in the Ladies Room. Wonderful choice for any gay lip sync-er and I thought they did a great job. Sadly, India had to Sashay, Away. I think Stacey should have gone but that was just me. In any event, Condragulations!

Jersey Shore

First off, the anonymous undies they found in the bathroom…. they pick them up with a stick because they don’t want to physically touch them. Then rest them for viewing on the community beanbag. Did anyone else notice that? From this point forward, whenever they show the beanbag or someone sitting on it, I’m going to shudder to myself. Although I’m sure none of them are concerned about herpes or crabs anymore, for what it’s worth, Lysol Wet Wipes are $4 a container, FYI.

I hate Ronnie. One whinebag goes home and now we get another one? Enough already! He’s flipping out that the girls moved Sammi’s stuff and says that the girls should only get involved if it involves them. Um, did you see what I saw last week? You involved every single person in the house. In fact, you both were physically restrained by all of your roommates.. but you must have forgot when your Xandrine trip bed throwing roid rage breakdown cloaked you in pure blindness and loss of cognizance. He felt weird that he was at Karma without Sam…. did you miss her or miss having something to be mad about in order to have someone to make up with? Snap out of it and stop clogging the toilet.

They made one of the main storylines of the episode Deena’s constipation. They kept talking about it and clearly it made her emotional about everything toward the end and Ronnie needed to console her by saying the most comforting thing that any girl would want to hear, ” We are picking on you because you are like the baby sister we never wanted.” So sweet. Such touch. But immediately after the show ended, my Facebook status was ‘So, wait, did Deena ever take a shit or what?’ I mean, I am not the least bit concerned about her bowel movements, but if you’re going to make it a major issue, I’m going to be curious. Hey MTV, in school your essays needed to have a conclusion. You fail.

American Idol

I’m pumped that Sideshow Bob (Brett is his name I think) made it through, Lauren Aliania, Scottie McCrevy and a few other of my fav’s got through. If the kid Jaycee who looks EXACTLY like little Chris Farley in Tommy Boy didn’t make it through I was going to lose it. I don’t think he’s going to win, but I think America will keep him around for a while. Or at the rate I vote when I watch this show, I’ll single handedly keep him around for a few weeks. You’re welcome. I’m proud of him – he’s totally turning around the stereotype for chubby male teenagers with yellowish teeth who sing… he’s going to get so much boy-band ass when he goes home. Good for you, kid. You deserve it.

Moral of the Story: Be careful what you do with ice cream cones and beanbag chairs. Germs spread quick.

Thought of the Day: Friday I’m in Puerto Rico and cruise bound… can’t wait! This will be me, minus the puppets.

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Human Code.

First off, Happy Valentine’s Day.  Whether you’re single or in a relationship, I hope you had a great day. My boyfriend decided to start the day off right… by bringing me breakfast in bed. It was a SlimFast shake. Although the message was clear as day, I thought it was hilarious. So no fights. No one is single and my diet starts tomorrow.

As for gifts, let’s start out with what he got me. He bought all of my meals today and they all included bacon. Key to my heart…literally. Makes me happy and is slowly clogging my arteries. I love it. Then I came home from work to these gorgeous long stemmed red roses. We got take out so we could watch the Beanpot, and after we eat – he gives me a Nordstrom box and when I open it, it’s a brand new square gold watch with diamond number markers. I was pumped! Right now, I’m wearing it next to my current gold watch, which he told me was very Tupac – East Coast/West Coast time.

Not planning on him getting me anything since we are going on a cruise in 2 weeks… he opens my little gift. Yes, the pictures are right. They are Mexican Thumb Wrestling Masks with a matching card. Although he totally trumped me this Valentine’s Day, I’ve now learned a lesson…. gifts like mine are not romantic. At least we were hysterically laughing as we thumb wrestled. He was “El Sancho” and I was “El Chupacabras”. I love him.

Not sure if you watched the Grammy’s last night, but I had a real issue with Rihanna. I certainly hope Drake isn’t married because she was one dry hump away from making it happen and getting preggers. I don’t know what is going on with her, but I’m sad about it. I felt so terrible for her with the whole Chris Brown thing but now she is singing songs (that are catchy as hell but still…) about liking s&m with chains and whips, gyrating on other rappers legs, wearing underwear with mirrors on them symbolic of ‘you could be here’, etc. Maybe she is trying to show the world that she is taking control back and maybe she’s not, but if I ever had a daughter, she wouldn’t be listening to Rihanna right now… just like Annie C banned me from Color me Bad when ‘I Wanna Sex You Up’ came out. It’s a wrong message, and I’m sad about it.

I know people have different definitions of what love is. Mine is thumb war. Miah’s is SlimFast. Rihanna’s is confusing. Whatever it is, whenever it comes – just wish that it’s healthy. Happy heart day to all of you.

Speaking of relationship health…

Jersey Shore

I realized as I watched this past week’s episode, I didn’t write about the previous week’s episode. WTF. SORRY! How could I not blog about Ronnie bleeding out of his ass! The fact that when the doctor is asking him questions in the office, the patient table is up against the wall and then when the show him getting checked out (which I was visualizing and dry heaving at the same time), they had to move the table out to fit the camera back there to zoom in on his facial expressions. Eww. “Hmm, so no pain around the rim at all?” Uggghhhh. In the end he chalked it up to controlling his drinking. Um, Ron Ron..control your steroid use. How about that? And people, if you didn’t buy it before, don’t buy Xenadrine now… you’re bowels are going to leak blood.

I loved Pauly and Mike in this episode. Pauly with the phone messages and the stage 5 clinger, Mike talking about waiting for Sammi who is straightening her hair whose hair is already straight. Sadly, in this episode if I was Deena’s mom, the second I heard her say ‘Face Down, Ass Up’ I’d call my cable company and take MTV out of my plan. Probably move to the mountains with goats and nature. Read books and pray. After the whole gym convo last week, as a parent, I’m sure I couldn’t take much more. If I found out another fun facts about my sweet cherub daughter, I’d probably have a stroke. Mercy! Uncle!

On to the most recent episode: I understand that Mike plays both sides when it comes to Ronnie and Sammi but I hate that Ronnie gets so upset about it. Dude, you’re on TV. You can get mad that he told her something, but she’s going to actually see it. You’re on TV!! Guy code? Not sure it applies when you sign up for a reality show. I liked that Mike was finally like ok yeah I’m sorry, but in a way I wish when Ron was saying to Mike, ‘what you did in Miami was wrong’, that Mike said hooking up with girls then boning your girlfriend is wrong too. Ah.. only in a perfect world.

I wonder if when I get in arguments I say such incredibly dumb things as they do. Ronnie literally said, very intensely to Sammi – “Be a Woman and Man Up.” WHAT? What does that even mean? I mean, I’m on East Coast AND West Coast time and I don’t get it. But then on the other hand, I wonder if in an argument that I’m indirectly involved in, do I say such witty yet insensitive things as they do. Like Pauly D “They’re talking about relationships and my sneakers are dirty.” YES.

No lie, I had a nightmare after I watched this episode that night. I had a dream that a roid rage psycho broke into a house that myself and a girlfriend were having a party in. All party-goers left and wouldn’t step in and both myself and my friend got stabbed. Thanks, Ronnie! You have put the fear not only about Xenadrine and anal bleeds into me, but also about your potential future as a serial killer. I just couldn’t believe that after telling her he was going to sleep with two girls in front of her and all these nasty things, he went as crazy as he did about her dancing with a kid. This will be the only time I ever say it, but I felt so bad for Sammi in this episode. I know that they are together now, but if that episode is any insight as to what the rest of your life is going to be like with him… uh, good luck with that.

I am so so blind. So blind. Driving down the street one day with my friend Pauline, I say, “Hey look! There’s Dale!”. Dale is a well known special needs adult white male in the neighborhood. She’s like, that’s not Dale. As we got closer to the bus stop, I saw that she was in fact, right. It wasn’t Dale. It was a black middle aged woman. I can’t see shit. So, when Ronnie went crazy and stomped on her glasses, I too, went crazy. I was flipping out on the TV to the point where Miah was like, stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit. I would go nuts if someone broke my glasses… not only are they ridiculously expensive, I’d be saying hi to Dale when it’s really my mother until I got my next prescription. Not cool.

When she went to talk to him and he said, I had the respect to not do it in front of your face – I was stunned. Such respect! Sammi, stay with him! He’s so caring! He only climbed in your bed after he didn’t do anything in front of your face. Apparently, Ron Ron was taught a whole different definition of the word than the rest of the universe. He’s such a dick and I’m not even in the relationship… like Pauly said – should I be stressed about someone else’s relationship? My blood pressure got a little higher every time he opened his mouth to her. You want to act like a dog, you can sleep outside like a dog? I can’t believe they are still together, because if my dad saw that on TV – blood would be spilled, restraining orders taken, shallow graves would be dug and parole officers alerted.

Quote of the night  from Situation… Guy code? What about human code? Exactly. I couldn’t have said it better myself. And I wonder if JWOW’s ex boyfriend showed human code after he saw this episode and she looked smoking hot in her leather getup for Roger…. Miah said he probably burned her house down.

Moral of the Story: Show human code and if all else fails, thumb wrestle it out.

Just a Thought: WTF. Fix your hair.

Save the Dates:

All About Aubrey 3/7

Housewives of Miami 2/22

Bethenney Ever After 2/28

Housewives of OC 3/6

Housewives of NY – was scheduled for 2/15 but rescheduled in a rumored effort to try to help the Miami season launch. Boo.

 

 

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Onions & SUV’s.

I want to be a part of a flash mob before I die, and judging by my cholesterol level, that’s probably pretty soon. So, I’ve been saying I want to do it but the Modern Family repeat last week reminded that I should look into it. Luckily, there is a Facebook fan page about a Boston Flash Mob! I don’t know the deets but I submitted my email to be on their info list and I’m pretty freakin’ excited about it. I love the idea of different kinds of people getting together and doing a choreographed dance for absolutely no reason… you know like in the final scene of Teen Witch. Although I’m sure there will be much less shoulder pads in the Boston one and the little person from Poltergeist probably won’t be there, but FINGERS CROSSED!  Who’s with me?! For those of you who aren’t…. I’ll remember that when you unleash your life goals to me one day through your blog. Boo. Here’s the FB link: Boston Flash Mob – first rehearsal is Feb. 13 at different times during the day.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion

I’ll just say this. Tonight’s Part 2 better be better than Part 1. No Allison DuBois? No Jiggy? What the hell was that? I mean there were a couple of good jabs and stuff but I was underwhelmed. A couple of things…

1. Andy Cohen, these housewives have cooks, housekeepers, assistants, nannies, pool boys. You don’t think they have someone who goes food shopping for them? Were you trying to prove a point when you asked them how much a gallon of milk was and no one knew? Of course they are out of touch with reality… this isn’t a revelation.

Yipee! We should start a club and get jackets!

2. I’m glad Adrienne came around and took the tinsel out of her hair because she is the one that is quite possibly the most down to earth even though she is the richest. I did however notice that there is a new imperfection to hone in on now that the tinsel is gone, and it’s actually one that I really respect. She has uneven nostrils! It made me love her even more because I do too! I’m sure it’s from picking my nose when I was little (or now), but whenever I ask my friend Pauline if I have a bat in the cave and lean my head back she has this evil grinch smirk on her face because to her, my snout is very entertaining. How cool though? I have something in common with a bazillionaire. Success? No. Prestige? No. Wealth? No. Abnormality/Deformity? YES.

3. Can we please get over Kim not speaking up in defense of Kyle in the Camille fight? Let it go people. It was an argument. She’s not the devil… just a psycho. You knew she was never confrontational to begin with… you think that’s gonna change because Frasier’s wife is crying about the word insecure? She’s not. And to be honest, do you want her even chiming in on your defense? It seems like whenever Kim opens her mouth, it’s dumb and she’s twitching. You think people take her seriously on this show and that she’ll be the voice of reason to put all of this bickering to rest? Absolutely not, she’d make it worse. Kyle she did you a favor!

That’s all. If on tonight’s reunion they really don’t show Jiggy wearing some kind of professional outfit, I’m deleting all of the housewives from my Twitter following list. BEWARE, LADIES.

Jersey Shore

First off, I hated Angelina, but in the opening credits, I kinda miss her bellowing, UM, HELLO at the very end.

Deena gets the hospitality award. I actually was impressed that she took Ryder around town while Snooki was looking for juiceheads to switch Jenni’s lock. But then again, Deena has no friends so a new, unassuming girl is like a gold bar to her.

Off topic, but I was very surprised that the JS people knew who Bjork was and referenced her. Impressive!  But back to business. Sammi’s the worst, huh? I almost peed when Ronnie said, “You want me to bring her over here, she’ll show you her c-section.” If that doesn’t prove a point, I don’t know what will. Imagine if she said, yes! God, I was secretly praying she would. I mean I’d look away if the lady did come over to show Sammi, because 1- I’m squeamish and 2- the thought of pregnancy makes me sick, but still. It’d be so JS if a tanned lady at a bar lifted her shirt to show a scar to prove she’s taken. Awesome.

At this time, I’d like to give a huge shout out to the MTV editing department. You guys all need a raise, and if you want me to write a strongly worded letter to the big guys in your defense, I totally will. Might not help, but what the hell. When Sammi punched Ronnie, then it was silent, then they started singing Happy Birthday to Ryder… well that was like dessert after a feast. How spoiled am I? I get a Bjork comment, a possible C-section viewing to prove a point, grenade whistle, and discussion about Deena’s “interests” and then beautiful editing all in one episode! MERRY CHRISTMAS! I gave a little kid $1 for the vending machine to get his system revved up on juice and a high-fructose corn syrupy snack…. God must have been paying attention to my good deed. You’re welcome.

I really wish Sammi went home in this episode, I was bummed when Ronnie let her back. I saw online the other day they really still are together. Whatever. Let them be miserable and get bed sores. I hope they have ugly kids.

Before I wrap up my thoughts on Jersey Shore… we can’t not talk about barber shop discussion. A couple of things…

1. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! GRRRRRROOOOSSSSSSSSS!!!! I’m not saying it is true or not, but one of Miah’s friends said that Barber Shop talk doesn’t lie, Deena does. So say it is true… DUDE, YOU’RE ON TV. You now need to have an internal bad decision blocker and limit what you say/do that could possibly look bad. I know there is some leeway when it comes to the Jersey Shore kids but yowzers, this is bad. In a sick way, I am sure that she probably got some new Facebook stalkers…. you know, like Davecat. Meow.

2. Deena was wearing a tshirt at the gym that said, “I’ve got an Italian attitude.” I really hope her grandmother bought that for her as a Christmas gift and that she didn’t pick that out for herself. I hate those people that have to tell you how they are so you think about them what they think about them. Like Katy Perry, she always says, I’m quirky. No, you’re trying too hard. If you have to tell someone how you are, you aren’t. I bet Deena’s got a Cambodian dad or something. That’s probably why the garage isn’t painted in Italian colors anymore. Way to blow it, newbie.

3. I love Jenni but a tube top at the gym? Really? …Really?

Jerseylicious

Did you guys watch the finale? They had New Jersey Fashion Week. (Silence)

Recap:

Tracey finds her soulmate in 10 minutes at a club a few days before the show… they have a mutual love of onions and SUV, formerly SVU.

I spotted Kim G. from Housewives of New Jersey taking a seat in the front row of the fashion show and got pumped that I recognized a reality star in a reality show that wasn’t theirs. Yeah, I’m a loser.

Olivia’s outfit looked like the New Jersey version of Janet Jackson in her Control video, but with shoulder pads, obvi.

Alexa looks like a chicken nugget who moves their hands too much. I can’t stand her.

Moral of the Story: Uneven nostrils are socially acceptable. Deena’s taste in what she does with men and choice of t-shirts are not.

Just a Thought: Today, while I was watching The Pregnancy Pact followed by the encore presentation of Craigslist Killer on Lifetime, they showed the commercial for the Amanda Knox story that will air on Feb 21! YESSSS! So happy Hayden can take time out from the dolphins to perform this tragic story for the masses. P.U.M.P.E.D.

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Thug Life.

On Saturday night, Miah and I met some friends for dinner before we went to go see The Fighter. I realize we are the last people in Massachusetts to see this movie, so I’m not reporting anything new, but that movie was amazing. Christian Bale played such a convincing crack head that I swear to God I’ve seen him at Fields Corner train station. I felt bad for him a bit – I mean, among his many issues, he was convinced that they were filming a documentary about his comeback, when it was really about addiction. Ouchie. Amy Adams, I was completely impressed with – so far, she’s the only Disney princess turned serious actress that I actually respect. Being nasty came so completely easy to her, that I’d like to initiate her into my group of friends. Bitchy non-essential defensiveness is a prerequisite that we take pretty seriously.

Our friends Corrie and Chris just came back from doing their wedding registry so since

Boo Hoo.

they were gun happy and in wedding mode, I told them about My Big Redneck Wedding. I mean, I was just trying to help and give Chris an idea for a wedding gift for Corrie on the day of…. jewelry? No. A pistol? Yes. I think that show has a few new fans now.

Corrie, is as equally obsessed with Bravo TV as I am and in fact got a Tweet back from Kyle Richards from RHOBH this week. Lucky bitch. Her fiance, Chris, is more like my boyfriend with sports as the priority but he’s interested in pop culture and so he brought up a subject that we had a dead serious conversation at the table about for 10 solid minutes. Jennifer Aniston.

His theory is that she has to be the biggest bitch alive if she is still single. With the exception of Brad Pitt, since everyone knows that Angelina ruined that relationship, she’s dated John Mayer, Gerard Butler, Adam Duritz, Jon Stewart, Paul Rudd, Vince Vaughn, but is still single. She’s hot. She dresses well. She’s classy. Has an amazing career. She’s funny. She’s single. So he thinks she must be a wicked biatch. He brings up a good point, but maybe she’s just picky? I don’t know what do you think? I think she should date Bruce Willis because I really liked them as a couple on Friends.

But anyway, I didn’t blog on Thursday night because, quite frankly, I was in a reality-tv coma. Jersey Shore, American Idol and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale. My apologies. Down to business…

Jersey Shore

First off, where did Snooki get the Thug Life trucker hat? That made my night and I love that the little munchkin with a pink leopard print tank, Gucci bag and a pouf that is looking more like a Martha Washington wig these days is wearing that hat. I think it would go perfectly with my Armani-Exchange-rhinestone-Ed-Hardy-ish tshirt that I plan on wearing on Jersdays. Birthday is in July, people!

Ronnie’s a geek. I know that flirting with a guy in a club and giving him a kiss on the cheek probably isn’t the best route to go when you have a serious boyfriend, but JWow really didn’t do anything wrong. Then he’s in the confessional talking about her being a shady bitch and a hypocrite after she talked to Tom on the phone that night. C’mon bro! No. Talking to someone and having sex with someone and then going to bed with your girlfriend… um, yeah you’re still the douchebag. The only good thing about him getting camera time in this episode was that every time they showed him, Miah would yell out, “Look at that huge zit on his back!”

The Ron look-a-like was hilarious and the fact that when Deena had to go change into a bikini for the hot tub, she felt the need to add a cowboy hat to her ensemble was even funnier. Yeehaw!

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Second to Lisa, Kyle is my favorite housewife. But this finale made me mad at her, well also the episode where she got a bikini wax in front of her teenage daughter. But nevertheless, everyone knows Kim is on another planet. We knew that from the second episode when she said that paparazzi were telling Paris that she was an icon. Michael Jackson. Whitney Houston. Marilyn Monroe. Those are icons. Kim Richards? Never heard of her. But regardless, Kim didn’t do anything wrong in this episode and was attacked by everyone. I felt bad for her. And I felt even worse for Martin. Poor guy was just trying to get lucky and instead got trapped in a limo with fist slinging sisters. Jeesh! Dating is not what it used to be.

Taylor even said on Watch What Happens Live after the show that she never intended for it to be a fight, that she just wanted to talk to Kim but when Kim stood up, Taylor was immediately on defense. So, Taylor, just a thought – why didn’t you ask Kim to sit down and start the conversation off in a non-abrasive tone and tell her you are looking to make things right? Oh, because you WERE looking for a fight. I get it now.

I felt bad for Camille too. Can you imagine walking into your apartment and having the doorman question who you are and then have to show identification!? Yikes. I can’t wait for the reunion! And to see Giggy again.

Jerseylicious

Oh New Jersey Fashion Week…. I don’t get it. I was expecting more bedazzlers. So disappointed. Anyway, I really hate Alexa. She makes me think that this show is even more scripted than I ever thought. She’s the worst actress. But is it just me or is she looking like she hangs out with Christian Bale lately? She’s a hairdresser and a makeup artist, correct? Her hair doesn’t match her roots which doesn’t match her eyebrows. Her face doesn’t match the color of her neck. Ladies, do you remember when you were younger and you went drinking all night and you’d go into the restroom at 1 a.m., look in the mirror and think, Damn I look good, but then you’d see pictures of yourself and you actually looked like a $2 hooker? Well, that’s what Alexa looks like daily… and intentionally. She tries to be funny too but it just makes me want to mace even more than I did before. When she said that she had a connection with the designer and how it was comparable to when a French person sees another French person at Starbucks and they connect and start speaking their language. What? Didn’t Starbucks originate in Seattle?

I used to be able to take Olivia’s getup, because I actually like her so her makeup never bothered me. But this week, YIKES! She wore a red blazer and looked like a clown. Then when her and Anthony went to go visit the designer… the zebra jumpsuit! Are you kidding me?! But even worse, how about Tracey’s white head piece poinsettia thingie that she’s been wearing on her head? I’d like to think that someone would stop me but I guess when it comes to reality tv, ratings are more important than my dignity and reputation. That and maybe she had a tap dance recital immediately after.

How about Doria too? That poor designer that she was doing her makeup for. I couldn’t stop laughing. If someone who was doing my makeup was sweating, complaining and panting like that… I’d call 911. Clearly she’s having a heart attack. But good tv is good tv.

Moral of the Story: It’s a lot of work being a woman, but get the makeup right and keep the waxes personal.

Just a thought: Is Russel Simmons the only public figure with a lisp? I’m jealous he can do yoga better than me.

Show Off.

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