As I get older, I can’t hang like I used to. I went to see Rod Stewart and Stevie Nicks on Wednesday – had a couple of drinks and was lucky I could tie my shoes the next day. Is this what it is from here on out? Am I an old lady? I used to be a rockstar. Snooki Waaaaah. I seriously could drink all night, everything and anything I wanted, not sleep and go straight to work without so much as a headache and do it all over again the next night. Now, if I have plans on a Saturday and someone asks me to do something on a Thursday- I’m like, jeez, I really don’t know. But when it comes to going to concerts of people who are light years older than me, I’m all about it and then I blog about it on weekend nights. The rate I’m going, for my 30th birthday this summer, all my girlfriends and I will go out for coffee, take a nap and then a pottery painting class or something. As I type this all out, I realize, I’m the Webster’s definition of a loser. Woe is me.
Housewives of Orange County
Anyone else think that fame got to Gretchen? I mean I guess I can’t see why for any of these reality stars, why it wouldn’t – but slow down girl. She’s very abrasive this year. I liked her much better when she was dating a 95 year old man. I’m getting tired of Slade, her cackle, wearing a bikini top as a t-shirt, the zit-mole on her cheek and the confessional of her looking like she’s on the show Designing Women with her fushia flower shirt and her curly pony tail to the side. She’s really annoying me lately. But it all makes sense when they show her dad in the latest episode…. ewww. They go out to lunch and the waitress, who can’t be more than 19 years old, introduces herself as Sam. His reply? As in like, with an S and an M? YUCK. Get the pepper spray, Sam! Now I know where Gretchen gets it from.
At last years reunion Alexis and Jim talked about how he was unhappy with how controlling he appeared to be and how it isn’t really like that. Thank God they cleared the air because I’m not sure how I would’ve taken the threat he gave her about not letting her new dress line interfere with her responsibility to him and to the kids if they hadn’t done that. She said that he fronted the money but the second it took the time she’s supposed to focus on her family away, he’s pulling the money out and the dress line away from her. Way to make her dreams happen, Jim.. And wait. Wait. The dress line is for women like her to do the errands they run, to the mall, grocery store, etc. I don’t know about you – but we here in New England get Ugg slippers and pass them off as cute loafers and wear them with our sweatpants and run errands. That’s about as fancy as our errands get. I hope she has one hell of a marketing director for the East Coast.
Vicky and Tamra go to Cabo in this episode because the fights with Simon last season didn’t seem to help anyone’s relationship. For a second there, I thought I was watching Housewives of Atlanta when Vicky asked Tamra to write friendship vows and read them to her on the beach the next day. This is like the friendship contract for NeNe and Cynthia. Naturally, Tamra didn’t do it because that 40 something year old was too busy during the day having people do body shots off her stomach. Hey, guys. I know you’ve had a shit ton of plastic surgery but you aren’t on MTV Spring Break. Knock it off. You’re almost 50. Well, I mean, I guess good for them, being older and doing all that – but my only two goals when I’m that age is to find at least one pair of button and zip fly pants that fit me and to have all of my own teeth. Only time will tell.
Bethenny Ever After
Speaking of 40 year olds, Bethenny in this episode is about to turn 40. Instead of doing body shots in a bikini on a pool bar in Mexico, she goes out with her girlfriends, gets going on planning a party and agrees to take on the show ‘Skating with the Stars’. Go big or go home, huh? The best part of the whole episode was when she goes to the skate shop to get fitted for skates and check out outfits and a little 10 year old Scott Hamilton Jr. know-it-all was in there giving her pointers and basically belittling her current skating abilities. He’s asking if she can skate on one foot, she says I can do that, is that impressive to people? He says Oh yes with a ‘tude like how pathetic and sad she is. I loved it – he’s a snobby 50 year old trapped in a 10 year old male figure skating body. What’s not to love? Later on in the episode, she meets her ice husband, Ethan. As it turns out, Ethan has a famous crotch as he was the body double for Jon Heder in Blades of Glory. Go ice husband!
Teen Mom 2 Finale
Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s what everyone has hoped for since the very first episode and the highlight of the MTV Teen Mom series. Jenelle gets arrested!! Woo hoo! Our favorite little life-mess gets thrown in the slammer for breaking & entering and possession of marijuana. When I heard breaking & entering, I lit up like a Christmas tree… that was way more than I was expecting! She never ceases to amaze me. The best part was when she called her mom and it was so casual. Hey I’m in jail? What are you doing in there? She might as well’ve been running errands with Alexis from HWoOC. When she gets home and gets to talking with her mom about her behavior, her mom starts crying and Jenelle, who I am 100% convinced is completely heartless, is like Ok, sorry mom. I’m surprised her mother hasn’t been hospitalized yet – either from the stress of her daughter or the pitch of her own voice causing her a massive brain aneurysm…. and all Jenelle can say is basically, my bad. Is it too late to put her up for adoption? And she got Keifer out of jail. Shocker. Seriously, adoption?
How about that wedding of Leah & Corey?? I got so excited when I saw the camo vests and lime green ties on the ushers and then the bridesmaids carrying the electric candles down the aisle! Made me realize that I haven’t blogged about Big Redneck Wedding in a while – or even better, the spinoff, Big Redneck Baby. I’ll put it on my to-do list. In all honesty, they are so cute, their whole little family, even if they are hillbilly-ish. My favorite rednecks, by far. I would bet that they’ll get their own spinoff eventually, what do you guys think?
Jersey Shore Reunion
This is short and sweet, so bullet points are in order.
1 – Did Jwow get botox?? Her face looked tight and shiney. Oh c’mon. Head out of the gutter, people.
2 – Glad Deena got to clarify that behind that hot mess is a genuine good person and for the record she’d like to clear the air about the barber shop rumor. Go girl!
3- If you don’t already know, I really hate Ronnie. He’s annoying in the reunion – trying to be smug, I hate his cocky-want-to-punch-it-off-his-face smirk he so arrogantly wears, how he bites his nails and claps obnoxiously. He’s trying to be a prick on tv… like it’s attractive or something. I hate him.
4 – Could the host make any more uncomfortable transition statements? Oh my God, right before every commercial it was a line like, “come right back even if it’s GTL time!” or “now take the chicken tortellini out of the oven and come right back!” or after talking about Mike’s strange relationship with Jenni’s dogs, it was “don’t go anywhere even if you have to whisper to your dog.” WHAT? Ok we get it.
5- I really can’t wait for Italy!
Moral of the Story: Friendship contracts are out. Camo is in.
Just a Thought: Secretly love that Charlie Sheen bombed in Detroit this weekend. He hasn’t tweeted since before the show. Winning? Eh, notsomuch. I watched most of the show on youtube today. Thank god I saved my would-be ticket money for wine.
hospitalization, Winona Ryder losing it, the Mel Gibson fiasco, the Tom Cruise insanity, Whitney Houston snapping, LiLo’s stuper and liked the Charlie Sheen thing for a minute but he’s currently overboard. A little too trainwrecked for my taste.. I considered for a second about buying a ticket to his tour, but I don’t want to feed anyone’s drug habit, so I’ll stay home with a bottle of wine and online shopping and feed my own habit thankyouverymuch. Hey, I just noticed that all of the above ‘situations’ would make really great band names. I hope that one day when I lose it, which is definitely going to happen (and probably soon), someone forever memorializes my unfortunate state of affairs with a rock band. Bethie goes Bonkers. Catchy. Knowing me and how I flip when I’m hungry or tired or when a child is in my presence….when I do have that breakdown, it’s going to be epic. You guys should probably start practicing for the finale anthem now.
4- I firmly believe that when Jace starts talking, his first words will be “Real Nice, Jenelle” – the direct influence of his grandmother and it’ll be the loudest, most Southern, most irritating voice of a child you’ve ever heard in your life.
I get it – she’s opinionated, she’s loud, she’s sarcastic, she can be crude, what she’s thinking is never not written on her face…but she’s the shit and she’s kind. Not a lot of people are kind anymore. Taking care of people – Gina with the mani/pedi and baptism, her assistant with the raise and the makeover, Nick the foodie with you know… just general attention. I completely love her. However… there is someone I could potentially love more than Bethenny at some point in time…Bryn. In every scene, Bryn’s facial expression never changes and totally sums up my feelings on life – not impressed and unamused.
I feel like the whole Christening situation was one that would completely happen to me. Standing on the street, recollecting myself wearing a ceremonial burnt orange head scarf after my daughter was pseudo-baptized in a Yoruba church after being ripped out of my arms without my consent. Naturally this would take place right around Halloween when Miah and I dressed up as a family of pandas and went trick-or-treating. Sounds about right. I can’t believe my brother in law doesn’t like her. I really don’t know what my sister sees in him.
I’m working on catching up, but did you see the episode where her father visits? Y-O-W-Z-E-R-S. She warns her friends that he is more of an embarrassing uncle than a father and that he is a cross between Jack Nicholson, a pimp and an old sea captain. I knew this was gonna be good. She takes him to a lesbian bar because he thought for a while that she may be a lesbian…. then later on we see Aubrey and her friend take naked pictures cuddling in a sauna and put it on Twitter. Huh, where would he get that thought? In any event, the lesbian bar is insane – he admits he looked for her only after she got famous, he grinds on her friend, snuggles with Aubrey…. I couldn’t tell if they were trying to make him a likable character because I was 100% creeped out.
life...allegedly 