Archive for My Big Redneck Wedding

Free Jenelle

As I get older, I can’t hang like I used to. I went to see Rod Stewart and Stevie Nicks on Wednesday – had a couple of drinks and was lucky I could tie my shoes the next day. Is this what it is from here on out? Am I an old lady? I used to be a rockstar. Snooki Waaaaah. I seriously could drink all night, everything and anything I wanted, not sleep and go straight to work without so much as a headache and do it all over again the next night. Now, if I have plans on a Saturday and someone asks me to do something on a Thursday- I’m like, jeez, I really don’t know. But when it comes to going to concerts of people who are light years older than me, I’m all about it and then I blog about it on weekend nights. The rate I’m going, for my 30th birthday this summer, all my girlfriends and I will go out for coffee, take a nap and then a pottery painting class or something. As I type this all out, I realize, I’m the Webster’s definition of a loser. Woe is me.

Housewives of Orange County

Anyone else think that fame got to Gretchen? I mean I guess I can’t see why for any of these reality stars, why it wouldn’t – but slow down girl. She’s very abrasive this year. I liked her much better when she was dating a 95 year old man. I’m getting tired of Slade, her cackle, wearing a bikini top as a t-shirt, the zit-mole on her cheek and the confessional of her looking like she’s on the show Designing Women with her fushia flower shirt and her curly pony tail to the side. She’s really annoying me lately.  But it all makes sense when they show her dad in the latest episode…. ewww. They go out to lunch and the waitress, who can’t be more than 19 years old, introduces herself as Sam. His reply? As in like, with an S and an M? YUCK. Get the pepper spray, Sam! Now I know where Gretchen gets it from.

At last years reunion Alexis and Jim talked about how he was unhappy with how controlling he appeared to be and how it isn’t really like that. Thank God they cleared the air because I’m not sure how I would’ve taken the threat he gave her about not letting her new dress line interfere with her responsibility to him and to the kids if they hadn’t done that. She said that he fronted the money but the second it took the time she’s supposed to focus on her family away, he’s pulling the money out and the dress line away from her. Way to make her dreams happen, Jim.. And wait. Wait. The dress line is for women like her to do the errands they run, to the mall, grocery store, etc. I don’t know about you – but we here in New England get Ugg slippers and pass them off as cute loafers and wear them with our sweatpants and run errands. That’s about as fancy as our errands get. I hope she has one hell of a marketing director for the East Coast.

Vicky and Tamra go to Cabo in this episode because the fights with Simon last season didn’t seem to help anyone’s relationship. For a second there, I thought I was watching Housewives of Atlanta when Vicky asked Tamra to write friendship vows and read them to her on the beach the next day. This is like the friendship contract for NeNe and Cynthia. Naturally, Tamra didn’t do it because that 40 something year old was too busy during the day having people do body shots off her stomach. Hey, guys. I know you’ve had a shit ton of plastic surgery but you aren’t on MTV Spring Break. Knock it off. You’re almost 50. Well, I mean, I guess good for them, being older and doing all that – but my only two goals when I’m that age is to find at least one pair of button and zip fly pants that fit me and to have all of my own teeth. Only time will tell.

Bethenny Ever After

Speaking of 40 year olds, Bethenny in this episode is about to turn 40. Instead of doing body shots in a bikini on a pool bar in Mexico, she goes out with her girlfriends, gets going on planning a party and agrees to take on the show ‘Skating with the Stars’.  Go big or go home, huh? The best part of the whole episode was when she goes to the skate shop to get fitted for skates and check out outfits and a little 10 year old Scott Hamilton Jr. know-it-all was in there giving her pointers and basically belittling her current skating abilities. He’s asking if she can skate on one foot, she says I can do that, is that impressive to people? He says Oh yes with a ‘tude like how pathetic and sad she is.  I loved it – he’s a snobby 50 year old trapped in a 10 year old male figure skating body. What’s not to love? Later on in the episode, she meets her ice husband, Ethan. As it turns out, Ethan has a famous crotch as he was the body double for Jon Heder in Blades of Glory. Go ice husband!

Teen Mom 2 Finale

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s what everyone has hoped for since the very first episode and the highlight of the MTV Teen Mom series. Jenelle gets arrested!! Woo hoo!  Our favorite little life-mess gets thrown in the slammer for breaking & entering and possession of marijuana. When I heard breaking & entering, I lit up like a Christmas tree… that was way more than I was expecting! She never ceases to amaze me. The best part was when she called her mom and it was so casual. Hey I’m in jail? What are you doing in there? She might as well’ve been running errands with Alexis from HWoOC. When she gets home and gets to talking with her mom about her behavior, her mom starts crying and Jenelle, who I am 100% convinced is completely heartless, is like Ok, sorry mom. I’m surprised her mother hasn’t been hospitalized yet – either from the stress of her daughter or the pitch of her own voice causing her a massive brain aneurysm…. and all Jenelle can say is basically, my bad. Is it too late to put her up for adoption? And she got Keifer out of jail. Shocker. Seriously, adoption?

How about that wedding of Leah & Corey?? I got so excited when I saw the camo vests and lime green ties on the ushers and then the bridesmaids carrying the electric candles down the aisle! Made me realize that I haven’t blogged about Big Redneck Wedding in a while – or even better, the spinoff, Big Redneck Baby. I’ll put it on my to-do list. In all honesty, they are so cute, their whole little family, even if they are hillbilly-ish. My favorite rednecks, by far. I would bet that they’ll get their own spinoff eventually, what do you guys think?

Jersey Shore Reunion

This is short and sweet, so bullet points are in order.

1 – Did Jwow get botox?? Her face looked tight and shiney. Oh c’mon. Head out of the gutter, people.

2 – Glad Deena got to clarify that behind that hot mess is a genuine good person and for the record she’d like to clear the air about the barber shop rumor. Go girl!

3- If you don’t already know, I really hate Ronnie. He’s annoying in the reunion – trying to be smug, I hate his cocky-want-to-punch-it-off-his-face smirk he so arrogantly wears, how he bites his nails and claps obnoxiously. He’s trying to be a prick on tv… like it’s attractive or something. I hate him.

4 – Could the host make any more uncomfortable transition statements? Oh my God, right before every commercial it was a line like, “come right back even if it’s GTL time!” or “now take the chicken tortellini out of the oven and come right back!” or after talking about Mike’s strange relationship with Jenni’s dogs, it was “don’t go anywhere even if you have to whisper to your dog.” WHAT? Ok we get it.

5- I really can’t wait for Italy!

Moral of the Story: Friendship contracts are out. Camo is in.

Just a Thought: Secretly love that Charlie Sheen bombed in Detroit this weekend. He hasn’t tweeted since before the show. Winning? Eh, notsomuch. I watched most of the show on youtube today. Thank god I saved my would-be ticket money for wine.

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From Earth to Uranus

I have a cold and when my sinuses are congested, my gums kill. I heard that your sinuses drain into your gums, so it makes sense. But I feel like I’m teething. I keep biting on my fingers, I look like the thumb sucker from My Strange Addiction these days. I’m gonna have to buy a package of pens and start chewing… if not, the legs of my dining room chairs, well, their days are numbered.

Tonight is my first rehearsal for the Flash Mob, I was wrong on the original date. I’m going with my friend Erica from high school and I’m super pumped. I hope there is a dance move where I can chew on a piece of furniture for gum pain relief. In celebration of this practice, I’m getting a Steak & Cheese for lunch. Gotta fluff up that second roll. No, I did a favor for my sister this morning and as a reward, she has food on the way. She knows me so well.

My Big Redneck Wedding

I don’t know if this is a repeat or not, but this episode is right up there with Allison the Huffer on Intervention in my Hall of Fame. If the bride’s favorite food wasn’t squirrel and wasn’t obsessed with road kill, we could be friends. She seemed like someone you would want in your group of friends. In any event, let’s go over the highlights, shall we?

1. He proposed to her as she was eating a PB&J sandwich.

2. The couple went into the woods to find squirrels to hunt and kill, so they could stuff them, dress them in their matching b&g camo attire  and naturally, use them as the cake toppers.

3. Empty Bud Light cans served as the tiers for the cake.

4. After driving around, they came across a dead armadillo with it’s guts all out on the road. Immediately they stopped and picked it up because it would look lovely on the aisle.

5. She shot her bouquet to the crowd of single ladies out of a potato gun.

6. Seats for the guests were haystacks.

7. The main entree for the event was grilled squirrel and cans of Bud heavies.

8. The bride wanted to have centerpieces that symbolized each of their personalities. So naturally, they went to the freezer to see which animals they had in there for stock that they could stuff and dress that would represent each of them. What’s in the freezer, you ask? ‘Coons, a bobcat, squirrels (obvi), ducks, etc… you know, what most people keep in their freezer.

9. The men wore camo button ups and the girls made their entrances on ATV’s.

10. The spoken theme for the wedding was “Camo and Taxidermy.”

11. Naturally, when it was the bride’s turn to read her vows, she pulled the paper they were written on out of her bra.

Basically, the best episode ever.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

The theme of this episode was Drag Queens in Outer Space. The ladies had to break into two teams and then act out the plays: “From Earth to Ur-anus” and “Return to Ur-anus”. This wasn’t my favorite episode, there wasn’t too much going on. Well, minus when Delta was talking about his friendship with one of the girls and he said, she knows everything, like how many cab drivers I’ve slept with. YES. Now, that’s friendship. In the end Phoenix was sent home and had to sashay away after a failed attempt at the Lip Sync for your Life to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance. The ladies got to use hand crafted breast plates for this challenge and Ru even gave it a plug…boobsforqueens.com. How about Boobs for Beth? What about me? WHAT ABOUT ME?? It’s not fair that these queens have better everything than I do. Makeup skills, outfits, heels, taxi connections and now boobs. Unfair.

Bad Girls Club

Luckily, after the Beanpot last night there was a rerun of BGC. This episode picked up where the kitchen fight with Ashley left off. I’ll just say this: security ruins everything. It could have been even better than it was if they didn’t have to send people in to break it up. I mean, I don’t condone violence, but if someone knocked Nikki unconscious, I wouldn’t hate it.

Nikki just really sucks. I know this is clear, but I don’t know how anyone can live in that house with her. She’s so annoying. Did you see her kissing that guy? Ewww… clearly that was her first kiss and she didn’t know what she was doing. And, “bro” you live in a house with a bunch of girls… can not ONE of them tell her that skin tight toga dresses aren’t meant for linebackers? I’m not making a fat joke, she’s literally a linebacker for a football team. God I can’t stand her! She hops around, trying to be annoying (nails it) – says Bro all the time, sticks her tongue out when she thinks she does something cool, wears sunglasses on top of her head and another pair on her eyes. EVERYONE KNOWS I HATE WHEN PEOPLE WEAR SUNGLASSES INDOORS. As I sit and type this, I feel my blood pressure rising. Then….THEN! She got GTL tattooed inside her lip. You are a loser.

The thing I don’t understand about reality shows these days is that a season wouldn’t be complete if they didn’t get a vacation. Um, aren’t you technically on a vacation? So of course, they sent these ladies in this episode to San Francisco. I don’t get it. But what was hilarious was that when they got there, Jessica was flipping out about how sweet the hotel was. Let me break it down… it was basically a Comfort Inn. She was like OMG this place is sick! Look, a security lock box! OMG air conditioning! Hmm.. I’m beginning to wonder how she made an audition video to get on this show if she hasn’t ever seen obvious things  before. Jess, have you ever seen a computer? Or a video camera? Do you even have cable? How did you hear about this show, anyway?

Then Nikki put a bump-it in the very front of her hair about 7 inches off the top. Everyone was like I’m not hanging out with you. She thought she looked good. Mind you she just got the GTL tattoo and was wearing a toga dress. She obviously thinks she is Snooki. I hate her even more. If she gets a Thug Life trucker hate, I’m going to get an address and find some Anthrax.

Moral of the Story: Don’t wear sunglasses indoors. It doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look like more of a loser.

Just a Thought: Only two people in the world should have mustaches. Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. That’s why I just became a fan of the page for Tom Selleck’s Mustache on FB.

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I miss Gary. Boo.

So Miah and I booked a cruise randomly on Monday night. We’re going to the Eastern Caribbean at the end of February. I’m really looking forward to it, it’s for 10 days to Aruba, Tortola, St. Maarten, St. Lucia, Barbados, St. George’s and Curacao – departing from and arriving in San Juan, Puerto Rico. I’m in desperate need of a vacation and I’ve never been on a cruise but have always wanted to, so I’m super pumped. The last vacation we took, excluding a few weddings, was last January to Punta Cana, DR. It was an amazing vacation and super relaxing; two spa massages, shopping, reading 5 books and resting… but ah, yeah, the reviews never mentioned the water bacteria, the 3rd world country you drive through to get to your resort, and the lack of English speaking television channels in the hotel. I was pissed when I had to watch reruns of Saved by the Bell in espanol. Who am I kidding, Saved by the Bell is good in any language. But the no American Idol the first week of the 9th season was really a punch in the gut.

The resort was gorgeous, but on the 3rd day of a 9 day vacation I realized really quickly that this might be the only time in my life where my love of processed food would be beneficial to me. American sausage and Tostitos were the only things I could hold down – I actually lost weight on vacation. So, with my situation and Miah’s pasty skin frying on day 1 to the point were he was the color of a boiled hot dog, forcing him to wear cotton tanks so that no clothing would touch his charred skin…. well, we were a sight.

Earlier in the week we signed up for an island excursion which was supposed to be a boat ride to a private island, so when the time came later in the week for it actually to happen, we both were in rare form but didn’t want to waste the money we already spent so we decided to go. The sun was so hot that day that even without a sunburn your skin tingled, so naturally Miah was uncomfortable…you know, looking like a piece of pastrami and all. What does he do, you ask? Oh, he runs to the first vendor he sees and buys the first bucket hat he can get his hands on. We get on the boat and I’m not pumped that my boyfriend is about to put on a bucket hat with his already not-embarrassing-whatsoever cotton tank, but he was in pain and I love him, so I want him to be happy and comfortable. Then we look at the hat and see that it was definitely made by a blind 8 year old. It’s camo but with a purple flowery bathing suit strap as the croakie for the hat.  Is he my soulmate? Obviously. See Exhibit A. (Although I hate this picture, it sums up EVERYTHING.)  When we got to the island, there were no trees and a coffin for a bathroom. We were both screwed.

Exhibit A

In all seriousness, we had a really great time and I’m really looking forward to this upcoming vacation. However, I am not looking forward to wearing a bathing suit in front of the masses. It starts at Halloween, when I buy the candy early to be ahead of the game, but then eat the entire bowl by myself, all the way through Christmas – the parties, the food, the goodies and drinks. It’s hard. And now this time of year until mid-February is my least favorite time at the gym. All the people that make a vow to themselves that this will be the year they get their fitness on and make it so that the regulars have to wait for machines and squish into classes. I hate it. I could really go for some of that Punta Cana water right about now.

So from now until the trip, I’m trying to make better choices. I usually eat pretty healthy but I don’t deprive myself of a Chipotle chicken burrito, crab rangoons, Wendy’s junior bacon cheeseburgers, Burger King whoppers with cheese, nachos, pizza, Dunkin’ Donuts’ sprinkled donuts, peanut m&m’s, Papa Gino’s steak and cheese subs, or  Pat’s cheeseburger clubs EVER. So it all comes to an end right now as quick as my decision to work out in my living room ended while I was using the Xbox zumba video game and the men fixing my front porch could see me through the window. They might as well have had picked up a 6-pack and some popcorn for the show until I caught them. Back to the gym for me, I’d rather look like an idiot trying to dance like a Latina among women and a certified instructor instead of a bunch of carpenters gawking at me. Thanks.

In any event, it’s a big week this week for tv. Tonight is my favorite show premiere, American Idol, then tomorrow is AI again, Jersey Shore and the finale of Housewives of Beverly Hills. Friday is a show premiere that apparently has been on since 2008 and I have been missing out BIG TIME….

My Big Redneck Wedding on CMT. Yipee!

I watched a rerun of My Big Redneck Wedding yesterday before work and was so disappointed in myself that I never saw it before but super psyched that it is now a part of my life. How can you really beat a wedding turned monster truck rally, a groom cutting the cake and then yelling that he’s gonna get her pregnant tonight and her parents cheering, flare gun bullets and coupons to get your septic tank cleaned as the party favors? It’s also complete with pop-up commentary from the Roseanne tattooed stallion himself, none other than Tom Arnold. Um, SIGN ME UP!

My girlfriends and I love themed parties, so of course, we had a redneck party a few years ago. We had a cow pinata that was filled with Slim-Jim’s and whiskey nips. We served hot dogs and cheese puffs in those little aluminum tins instead of on paper plates. There were fly swatters, cap guns, Franzia, Colt 45’s and mullet wigs for days. I thought putting my entire head of hair in sponge curlers was good, but after watching this show, I know I’m an amateur. We might have to do that party over,  2011 style. What do you think ladies?

I reckon' we should!

I have much better material now. So in case your curious, it’s on CMT at 9pm this Friday. I luckily am getting older, so don’t have much of a life these days and will be home and ordering take-out for the event… oh wait, I’m on a diet.

Teen Mom 2

Missing how Amber would bellow, Gearyyyy

I kept it to myself and away from my Facebook status last week, but I can’t hide it this week. I miss Gary. God love that giant Easter bunny. Although we have a couple of loose cannons and a girl who is a nominee for a future season of Bad Girls Club, this season is still lacking without Gary. That’s all I’ll say about that. I don’t want to start crying.

Was anyone else like WTF when poor Leah took her baby to the doctor? The person in the room who was the MEDICAL DOCTOR said, “Well, it looks like her arms are too short.” Hey thanks! How much was my co-pay again? I was curious because I thought I went to my doctor’s office to get medical advice and not to a homeless guy where when I give him money he tells me something obvious. I feel so bad for her. I can’t imagine having to go through that, let alone being 16 and having to go through that. I will add her and baby Aliannah to my prayer list. I’ll even move them up to be before Kirk Cameron who needs the most prayers out of any living creature.

Jenelle and her mom. Ha. Hmm. Oh boy. I think they are both crazy. Her mom complains about her not doing anything but then doesn’t let her do anything, but if I was her mom she’d be chained up in the basement. She might even respond better to that since she looks like Bella in Twilight, but you know, a Kentucky version. Not sure how Kentucky vampires work, I only know about the Forks ones.

She’s disrespectful, rude and violent. Everything you’d want in a tv character but not in a mom. I love that when she couldn’t pay the lawyer she asked to come home. Her mom is too nice but she can do what she wants. I just wish I lived on her street when her mom served her the summons for court in the last episode. I am the first one to roll up the shade or go outside when I hear so much as a hiss on my street in the hopes of catching a good rabid cat fight. I don’t know what it is but I love good street commotion. I hear someone trying to take Miah’s parking spot and I’m out there as fast as  the silver puddle on The Secret World of Alex Mack.

I kind of couldn’t believe though that neither of Jenelle’s friends tried stepping in when she was physically accosting her mom. Maybe it’s because I’m from the city but my friends would step in and separate that stuff – especially since you never know when someone is holding a weapon. I can’t wait for her to look back on this and regret treating her mom like that. It’s your mom! I regret fights I got into with my mom when I was younger, but I’ve made it up to her by letting her take care of my dog Henry, giving me a discount in rent and taking up three-quarters of her freezer space in the basement. We’re totally cool now.

 

Moral of the Story: Use sunblock. Don’t drink the water. Love your mama. Clean your septic tank.

Just a thought: Is it just me or is anyone else noticing Tim the Toolman Taylor doing a lot of voiceover work for commercials these days?

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