Archive for Cruise

I’m back, bitches.

I’m back and alive… just a tanner, fatter version of me. You know, I was upset with myself that I wasn’t going to the gym more and instead, I was eating my body weight in steak and cheese subs and potato skins before the cruise… but it’s actually a good thing I did. I don’t think I was fully prepared for the endless amount of food you consume on a cruise. I mean I’m always game to challenging myself to an eating contest any day of the week, but if I didn’t unconsciously prepare with the subs and skins ahead of time, I really wouldn’t have been able to make myself as proud as I did on the trip. I gained a solid 4.5 pounds and if the thought of missing a meal or being late to a meal crossed Miah’s mind – I flipped my shit on him. When you build up my tolerance at an endless buffet like that, I’m going to get feisty and flip if you tamper with it. God help him and those dear to me when I become pregnant. I’m going to let myself (really) go and eat anything that’s not tied down. Can’t wait! (Well for the eating part, not the human-growing-in-my-stomach-being-a-parent-changing-diapers-vaginal-stitches part).

All the islands were gorgeous, the people were amazing, and clearly the food was unbelievable. It was such a great time! It’s good to be home though. I loved vacation but now I’m freezing, peeling, and starving with no buffet.  And of course, now I feel like I need another vacation to catch up on my DVR. Talk about stress! Holy crap. There aren’t enough hours in the day. So I decided I’m starting fresh with a diet, the gym and with my shows, if I miss some, I miss some… please forgive me.

Jersey Shore

I know in the previous week’s episode Sammi came back, they put cheese in Mike’s bed in retaliation for sending Snooki and Deena to NYC in a cab, and Ronnie continued to call Snooki, Schnookie solely to irritate the crap out of me. But in this past episode, it was much, much more entertaining…except for the lack of Teddy Graham boxes and 4C juice tins in the kitchen this time around. If you keep your eyes peeled in most episodes, you can get a good idea of how these glamazons stay in tip top shape diet-wise.

Mike let the dogs, Lean Cuisine and Juice Box, let loose. I like those names because I like food. Stupid me just stuck with Henry… although it suits him, second time around I’m going to go with Tuna Melt or Cool Ranch Dorito. Genius. Those little bastards were eating like me on the cruise minus it being served in a trash bag – even though I wouldn’t have refused it that way.

Did you see when Pauly and Vinny were leaving Vinny’s house after dinner? I tried to count but it went to fast. There were at least 85-90 people on his front lawn. That’s his family for a no-reason dinner! It’s not even Thanksgiving! I don’t even know that many people and I can bet my ass that even if I did, I couldn’t get them to eat dinner with me for no reason. Boo.

And as predicted, Ronnie and Sam got back together and 20 minutes later they were fighting and broke up. All because she couldn’t admit that she was texting with a guy named Arvin that looked like an anteater. I would have admitted it, I mean the texts are proof, but then I would have been dying laughing at him for getting jealous at that. Would have chalked the whole thing up to being a joke on him. She needs some lessons – in relationships as well as wearing a proper bra with a strappy backed dress. Drives me nuts in every club scene.

Naturally, the roommates couldn’t take it…. Mike saying that Ronnie was crying on his shoulder, calling for roses, listening to Michael Bolton and Vinny and Pauly with the GTF – Gym Tanning Find out who Sammi is texting or GTI – Gym Tanning I’m not buying it.  I’m more GTG – Gym Tanning Give up on this relationship already because I’d rather be jealous and watch the dogs eat out of the trash. I’m starving!

Bad Girls Club

I go on vacation and Ashley is gone and there is a blonde from Jersey out of nowhere? Me no likey. I don’t like this new girl, Jennifer. Now I know it could be because I missed the episode where she actually showed up and am too overwhelmed by my DVR to find it, but I don’t care. Who does she think she is showing up while I’m away? Tisk, tisk. She goes insane when there is a cricket in the room when she is on the phone…like seriously insane. About as insane as I get when I see a car decorated with a wreath or like Rudolph for Christmas….that intense. Then how about when she yells at the even newer girl that came in this episode and called her a replacement. Uh, isn’t that exactly what you are? I get it. Jersey is becoming trendy. I mean, not trendy enough for anyone to actually move there, but good TV trendy. This girl needs to go back there and get locked in a room full of crickets. It’s sad when I think Nikki is possibly more tolerable than her. POSSIBLY.

I haven’t been a fan of Jess since the very beginning. With the hair gel, the open flannels over a tight half shirt, the baggy pants… you’d think she was an extra in TLC’s Creep video. But then her brother Aaron showed up! Jackpot! He’s like a Jersey guido and she’s the girl from your high school in 1995 that you didn’t want to F with – what a fam! Let’s just go over how she described him in her confessional, “he’s like me just twice as raw.” What the hell does that even mean? Is raw not being able to hold your liquor, not wearing a wedding ring, peeing in your sister’s roommate’s bed, and then getting up, taking off your banana hammock and falling asleep on the floor naked with your legs crossed? So raw. Well actually, who am I kidding… a few years back I was very raw.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Why can’t I be as pretty and talented as a drag queen? I’m jealous of their bodies, their makeup ability and fashion sense. Boo. In any event, this week’s challenge was to do a PSA about why they love the USA to be sent overseas to the troops. I hope the troops appreciate it as much as I would! The guest judges for this challenge were supermodel, Cheryl Tiegs, and my arch nemisis, figure skater, Johnny Weir. I would like Johnny, but sadly that faux-hawk haired bastard bullied the crap out of my all time favorite reality star, Bethenny Frankel on Skating with the Stars. Yes, I watched that and yes, I would text my votes in for her. Bethenny got robbed on that show and I’ll never forgive Johnny for it. Never. I don’t care if he is on RuPaul’s Drag Race and wearing black leather finger gloves or if Skating with the Stars doesn’t come back for another season… his opinion is null and void to me. Bastard. And just to put emphasis on just how sucky his opinions really are, here is an example: he told one of the queens, that in their PSA there wasn’t a lot of class or integrity. Dude, the definition of integrity is honesty in your character. I think anyone who has the ability to tape their penaso up so well that you can confuse someone into thinking that you are of a different sex and then hand sew a red white and blue unitard to prove their adoration for our country and leave absolutely no sign of that penaso, well, I think they are being pretty honest in their character as a drag queen. Go back to figure skating, Weir. You suck.

The winner of the challenge was Alexis and rightly so… she Swarovski bedazzled the shit out of her ex-boyfriend’s military jacket. Meow. Unfortunately, Ru threw a wrench in the plan and made the two queens up for elimination lip sync for their life to Mickey by Tony Basil….IN SPANISH. Dun, dun DUNNNNN! Lip Sync para tu vida!! Another thing to admire about a drag queen is that they are freakin’ bilingual. Waah! I want to be a drag queen! Luckily, for the first time in the show’s history, both the ladies got to stay. But guess what? Who cares about them?! Jody Watley is next week’s judge! She better have on hoops, a tulle skirt and cat eyed makeup. Play us out Jody!

 

Moral of the Story: GTD – Gym Tanning Don’t even bother setting up your DVR when you go away on vacation… you’ll never catch up.

Just a Thought: I just saw a commercial for Cadbury Creme Eggs and almost peed my pants.

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Bootlegs & Lysol Wipes

I did dinner and some shopping last night with Pauline and when I got home, Miah and I decided we’d put on a bootleg copy of Black Swan that one of our friends let us borrow. We heard it was weird but figured with the ballet scenes and stuff, it’d be easy enough to fall asleep to. Yeah, ok. 3am we are both up and the movie is over, sitting there frozen like someone zapped us with a 50,000 volt taser and sucked all the blood out of our bodies. I won’t spoil it for those of you who haven’t seen it, but WTF? It’s the type of movie you need to talk about afterwards, you know, after you sit there in silence for 3 solid minutes not blinking, feeling like you need a tetanus shot. Annnnd then I had a nightmare. So, thanks, Natalie Portman. Note to self, just stick to Dumb and Dumber for reliable pre-bedtime movies. Why can’t someone lend me a bootleg copy of Never Say Never for God’s sake?

Teen Mom 2

The past few episodes of this show really makes me wonder if Jenelle knows she’s being followed by a camera crew. I understand she’s 16 but I’m still confused. On her first date with Kiefer when they get ice cream that she makes him lick her melting cone several times -um, ew.. I mean I know you’ve swapped spit and most likely other bodily fluids prior to this excursion but I don’t know. Ice cream and popcorn are my babies. I hate to share most things in my life, but those two are top of the list. I would NEVER share an ice cream cone. Ice cream in a bowl with a spoon…maybe. Cone? No way. It’s just one of those things in my world that is right up there with a mama bird regurgitating what’s in her stomach for her baby. Like… I’m good…all set. And no lie, if I ever have kids and their cone is dripping on a hot summer day, it’s gonna drip if I don’t have a napkin. I’m not licking it and they can’t have a taste of mine. My flesh and blood or not, I’m not sharing my ice cream cone or saving yours. So when she met him yesterday and then made him lick her ice cream then smeared it on the picnic table (and like the sinner she is, wasted a perfectly good scoop as it fell to the ground), I wanted to smack her unshaped eyebrows off her face.

The hickeys, Kiefer’s arm bandages in the most recent episode, and her mom flipping about financial aid forms for no reason. This family needs indoor voices, necklaces that aren’t made of hemp, stress balls, Calgon and a therapy session.

Honestly, other than Chelsea’s boyfriend Adam’s sleeveless shirts which he’s hand cut into so deep that they look like high school wrestling unitards, I black out after I see Jenelle. Kalyn and Joe bore me and there isn’t anything to joke about with the twins situation. I feel bad Chelsea’s friend Morgan moved out because she’ll probably find out pretty soon that once a dick, always a dick… but she’s young, so baby or not, she hasn’t realized that yet. I hope she can eventually save her friendship, because she’s really mastered how to take advantage of that girl babysitting-wise. It’d be a shame to let that go. And it’s really too bad Adam ruins everything…. father/daughter relationships, friendships, perfectly good tshirts, etc.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion

I’ll make this quick.

I loved how cute Rihanna looked. Oh, I mean Kandi. She’s so cute.

Can you believe Kim is writing a book about how to land your own Big Pappa? WHAT? So, how to perfect the art of gold-digging, really? Didn’t you not land Big Pappa? You accidentally landed a 25 year old 5th round draft pick for the NFL by getting pregnant. Score! I think I’ll write a book about something I didn’t do too. I could write about dressing my Shih Tzu Henry up in costumes when I’m bored and how he loves me enough to just play dead and make his limbs go limp so they are easy to work with. OR I could write about how to go into CVS for only toothpaste and leave with press-on nails, a heating pad, tissue paper, socks, 2 chapsticks, pens, a hairbrush, a humidifier, a home wax kit, Crest white strips and never ever remember the toothpaste.  OR I could write about how to make a weekly meal plan and gym schedule and set your alarm every morning and then press snooze 95 times and completely miss the gym and breakfast all together. Well, wait, this is everything that I do do, so I need to write about stuff that I don’t do…What could it be? Suggestions? I mean the list is unlimited. I really don’t do much so the world is my oyster.

I’m not even going to talk about the race issue that was brought up and the whole consuming of canned foods because of a white household nonsense. I have to keep my blood pressure stable since I haven’t recovered from the Bieber episode of Glee this week. I’ve got the fever.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

How do I get RuPaul’s body? Seriously. This man has the best female body I’ve ever seen.

So the challenge was to basically do a news cast including a weather girl, gossip girl, an interviewer and two anchors for QNN News Station. I didn’t love this episode this much because it wasn’t as over the top as it usually is. I like my drag queens to be obnoxious. I did however love that Maria asked the guest celebrity, Kristin Cavalleri, if she was really a genetic woman. Big highlight. I’m not a fan.

In the end it was between Stacey and India in the Lip Sync for your Life. The song? Meeting in the Ladies Room. Wonderful choice for any gay lip sync-er and I thought they did a great job. Sadly, India had to Sashay, Away. I think Stacey should have gone but that was just me. In any event, Condragulations!

Jersey Shore

First off, the anonymous undies they found in the bathroom…. they pick them up with a stick because they don’t want to physically touch them. Then rest them for viewing on the community beanbag. Did anyone else notice that? From this point forward, whenever they show the beanbag or someone sitting on it, I’m going to shudder to myself. Although I’m sure none of them are concerned about herpes or crabs anymore, for what it’s worth, Lysol Wet Wipes are $4 a container, FYI.

I hate Ronnie. One whinebag goes home and now we get another one? Enough already! He’s flipping out that the girls moved Sammi’s stuff and says that the girls should only get involved if it involves them. Um, did you see what I saw last week? You involved every single person in the house. In fact, you both were physically restrained by all of your roommates.. but you must have forgot when your Xandrine trip bed throwing roid rage breakdown cloaked you in pure blindness and loss of cognizance. He felt weird that he was at Karma without Sam…. did you miss her or miss having something to be mad about in order to have someone to make up with? Snap out of it and stop clogging the toilet.

They made one of the main storylines of the episode Deena’s constipation. They kept talking about it and clearly it made her emotional about everything toward the end and Ronnie needed to console her by saying the most comforting thing that any girl would want to hear, ” We are picking on you because you are like the baby sister we never wanted.” So sweet. Such touch. But immediately after the show ended, my Facebook status was ‘So, wait, did Deena ever take a shit or what?’ I mean, I am not the least bit concerned about her bowel movements, but if you’re going to make it a major issue, I’m going to be curious. Hey MTV, in school your essays needed to have a conclusion. You fail.

American Idol

I’m pumped that Sideshow Bob (Brett is his name I think) made it through, Lauren Aliania, Scottie McCrevy and a few other of my fav’s got through. If the kid Jaycee who looks EXACTLY like little Chris Farley in Tommy Boy didn’t make it through I was going to lose it. I don’t think he’s going to win, but I think America will keep him around for a while. Or at the rate I vote when I watch this show, I’ll single handedly keep him around for a few weeks. You’re welcome. I’m proud of him – he’s totally turning around the stereotype for chubby male teenagers with yellowish teeth who sing… he’s going to get so much boy-band ass when he goes home. Good for you, kid. You deserve it.

Moral of the Story: Be careful what you do with ice cream cones and beanbag chairs. Germs spread quick.

Thought of the Day: Friday I’m in Puerto Rico and cruise bound… can’t wait! This will be me, minus the puppets.

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I miss Gary. Boo.

So Miah and I booked a cruise randomly on Monday night. We’re going to the Eastern Caribbean at the end of February. I’m really looking forward to it, it’s for 10 days to Aruba, Tortola, St. Maarten, St. Lucia, Barbados, St. George’s and Curacao – departing from and arriving in San Juan, Puerto Rico. I’m in desperate need of a vacation and I’ve never been on a cruise but have always wanted to, so I’m super pumped. The last vacation we took, excluding a few weddings, was last January to Punta Cana, DR. It was an amazing vacation and super relaxing; two spa massages, shopping, reading 5 books and resting… but ah, yeah, the reviews never mentioned the water bacteria, the 3rd world country you drive through to get to your resort, and the lack of English speaking television channels in the hotel. I was pissed when I had to watch reruns of Saved by the Bell in espanol. Who am I kidding, Saved by the Bell is good in any language. But the no American Idol the first week of the 9th season was really a punch in the gut.

The resort was gorgeous, but on the 3rd day of a 9 day vacation I realized really quickly that this might be the only time in my life where my love of processed food would be beneficial to me. American sausage and Tostitos were the only things I could hold down – I actually lost weight on vacation. So, with my situation and Miah’s pasty skin frying on day 1 to the point were he was the color of a boiled hot dog, forcing him to wear cotton tanks so that no clothing would touch his charred skin…. well, we were a sight.

Earlier in the week we signed up for an island excursion which was supposed to be a boat ride to a private island, so when the time came later in the week for it actually to happen, we both were in rare form but didn’t want to waste the money we already spent so we decided to go. The sun was so hot that day that even without a sunburn your skin tingled, so naturally Miah was uncomfortable…you know, looking like a piece of pastrami and all. What does he do, you ask? Oh, he runs to the first vendor he sees and buys the first bucket hat he can get his hands on. We get on the boat and I’m not pumped that my boyfriend is about to put on a bucket hat with his already not-embarrassing-whatsoever cotton tank, but he was in pain and I love him, so I want him to be happy and comfortable. Then we look at the hat and see that it was definitely made by a blind 8 year old. It’s camo but with a purple flowery bathing suit strap as the croakie for the hat.  Is he my soulmate? Obviously. See Exhibit A. (Although I hate this picture, it sums up EVERYTHING.)  When we got to the island, there were no trees and a coffin for a bathroom. We were both screwed.

Exhibit A

In all seriousness, we had a really great time and I’m really looking forward to this upcoming vacation. However, I am not looking forward to wearing a bathing suit in front of the masses. It starts at Halloween, when I buy the candy early to be ahead of the game, but then eat the entire bowl by myself, all the way through Christmas – the parties, the food, the goodies and drinks. It’s hard. And now this time of year until mid-February is my least favorite time at the gym. All the people that make a vow to themselves that this will be the year they get their fitness on and make it so that the regulars have to wait for machines and squish into classes. I hate it. I could really go for some of that Punta Cana water right about now.

So from now until the trip, I’m trying to make better choices. I usually eat pretty healthy but I don’t deprive myself of a Chipotle chicken burrito, crab rangoons, Wendy’s junior bacon cheeseburgers, Burger King whoppers with cheese, nachos, pizza, Dunkin’ Donuts’ sprinkled donuts, peanut m&m’s, Papa Gino’s steak and cheese subs, or  Pat’s cheeseburger clubs EVER. So it all comes to an end right now as quick as my decision to work out in my living room ended while I was using the Xbox zumba video game and the men fixing my front porch could see me through the window. They might as well have had picked up a 6-pack and some popcorn for the show until I caught them. Back to the gym for me, I’d rather look like an idiot trying to dance like a Latina among women and a certified instructor instead of a bunch of carpenters gawking at me. Thanks.

In any event, it’s a big week this week for tv. Tonight is my favorite show premiere, American Idol, then tomorrow is AI again, Jersey Shore and the finale of Housewives of Beverly Hills. Friday is a show premiere that apparently has been on since 2008 and I have been missing out BIG TIME….

My Big Redneck Wedding on CMT. Yipee!

I watched a rerun of My Big Redneck Wedding yesterday before work and was so disappointed in myself that I never saw it before but super psyched that it is now a part of my life. How can you really beat a wedding turned monster truck rally, a groom cutting the cake and then yelling that he’s gonna get her pregnant tonight and her parents cheering, flare gun bullets and coupons to get your septic tank cleaned as the party favors? It’s also complete with pop-up commentary from the Roseanne tattooed stallion himself, none other than Tom Arnold. Um, SIGN ME UP!

My girlfriends and I love themed parties, so of course, we had a redneck party a few years ago. We had a cow pinata that was filled with Slim-Jim’s and whiskey nips. We served hot dogs and cheese puffs in those little aluminum tins instead of on paper plates. There were fly swatters, cap guns, Franzia, Colt 45’s and mullet wigs for days. I thought putting my entire head of hair in sponge curlers was good, but after watching this show, I know I’m an amateur. We might have to do that party over,  2011 style. What do you think ladies?

I reckon' we should!

I have much better material now. So in case your curious, it’s on CMT at 9pm this Friday. I luckily am getting older, so don’t have much of a life these days and will be home and ordering take-out for the event… oh wait, I’m on a diet.

Teen Mom 2

Missing how Amber would bellow, Gearyyyy

I kept it to myself and away from my Facebook status last week, but I can’t hide it this week. I miss Gary. God love that giant Easter bunny. Although we have a couple of loose cannons and a girl who is a nominee for a future season of Bad Girls Club, this season is still lacking without Gary. That’s all I’ll say about that. I don’t want to start crying.

Was anyone else like WTF when poor Leah took her baby to the doctor? The person in the room who was the MEDICAL DOCTOR said, “Well, it looks like her arms are too short.” Hey thanks! How much was my co-pay again? I was curious because I thought I went to my doctor’s office to get medical advice and not to a homeless guy where when I give him money he tells me something obvious. I feel so bad for her. I can’t imagine having to go through that, let alone being 16 and having to go through that. I will add her and baby Aliannah to my prayer list. I’ll even move them up to be before Kirk Cameron who needs the most prayers out of any living creature.

Jenelle and her mom. Ha. Hmm. Oh boy. I think they are both crazy. Her mom complains about her not doing anything but then doesn’t let her do anything, but if I was her mom she’d be chained up in the basement. She might even respond better to that since she looks like Bella in Twilight, but you know, a Kentucky version. Not sure how Kentucky vampires work, I only know about the Forks ones.

She’s disrespectful, rude and violent. Everything you’d want in a tv character but not in a mom. I love that when she couldn’t pay the lawyer she asked to come home. Her mom is too nice but she can do what she wants. I just wish I lived on her street when her mom served her the summons for court in the last episode. I am the first one to roll up the shade or go outside when I hear so much as a hiss on my street in the hopes of catching a good rabid cat fight. I don’t know what it is but I love good street commotion. I hear someone trying to take Miah’s parking spot and I’m out there as fast as  the silver puddle on The Secret World of Alex Mack.

I kind of couldn’t believe though that neither of Jenelle’s friends tried stepping in when she was physically accosting her mom. Maybe it’s because I’m from the city but my friends would step in and separate that stuff – especially since you never know when someone is holding a weapon. I can’t wait for her to look back on this and regret treating her mom like that. It’s your mom! I regret fights I got into with my mom when I was younger, but I’ve made it up to her by letting her take care of my dog Henry, giving me a discount in rent and taking up three-quarters of her freezer space in the basement. We’re totally cool now.

 

Moral of the Story: Use sunblock. Don’t drink the water. Love your mama. Clean your septic tank.

Just a thought: Is it just me or is anyone else noticing Tim the Toolman Taylor doing a lot of voiceover work for commercials these days?

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