I miss Gary. Boo.

So Miah and I booked a cruise randomly on Monday night. We’re going to the Eastern Caribbean at the end of February. I’m really looking forward to it, it’s for 10 days to Aruba, Tortola, St. Maarten, St. Lucia, Barbados, St. George’s and Curacao – departing from and arriving in San Juan, Puerto Rico. I’m in desperate need of a vacation and I’ve never been on a cruise but have always wanted to, so I’m super pumped. The last vacation we took, excluding a few weddings, was last January to Punta Cana, DR. It was an amazing vacation and super relaxing; two spa massages, shopping, reading 5 books and resting… but ah, yeah, the reviews never mentioned the water bacteria, the 3rd world country you drive through to get to your resort, and the lack of English speaking television channels in the hotel. I was pissed when I had to watch reruns of Saved by the Bell in espanol. Who am I kidding, Saved by the Bell is good in any language. But the no American Idol the first week of the 9th season was really a punch in the gut.

The resort was gorgeous, but on the 3rd day of a 9 day vacation I realized really quickly that this might be the only time in my life where my love of processed food would be beneficial to me. American sausage and Tostitos were the only things I could hold down – I actually lost weight on vacation. So, with my situation and Miah’s pasty skin frying on day 1 to the point were he was the color of a boiled hot dog, forcing him to wear cotton tanks so that no clothing would touch his charred skin…. well, we were a sight.

Earlier in the week we signed up for an island excursion which was supposed to be a boat ride to a private island, so when the time came later in the week for it actually to happen, we both were in rare form but didn’t want to waste the money we already spent so we decided to go. The sun was so hot that day that even without a sunburn your skin tingled, so naturally Miah was uncomfortable…you know, looking like a piece of pastrami and all. What does he do, you ask? Oh, he runs to the first vendor he sees and buys the first bucket hat he can get his hands on. We get on the boat and I’m not pumped that my boyfriend is about to put on a bucket hat with his already not-embarrassing-whatsoever cotton tank, but he was in pain and I love him, so I want him to be happy and comfortable. Then we look at the hat and see that it was definitely made by a blind 8 year old. It’s camo but with a purple flowery bathing suit strap as the croakie for the hat.  Is he my soulmate? Obviously. See Exhibit A. (Although I hate this picture, it sums up EVERYTHING.)  When we got to the island, there were no trees and a coffin for a bathroom. We were both screwed.

Exhibit A

In all seriousness, we had a really great time and I’m really looking forward to this upcoming vacation. However, I am not looking forward to wearing a bathing suit in front of the masses. It starts at Halloween, when I buy the candy early to be ahead of the game, but then eat the entire bowl by myself, all the way through Christmas – the parties, the food, the goodies and drinks. It’s hard. And now this time of year until mid-February is my least favorite time at the gym. All the people that make a vow to themselves that this will be the year they get their fitness on and make it so that the regulars have to wait for machines and squish into classes. I hate it. I could really go for some of that Punta Cana water right about now.

So from now until the trip, I’m trying to make better choices. I usually eat pretty healthy but I don’t deprive myself of a Chipotle chicken burrito, crab rangoons, Wendy’s junior bacon cheeseburgers, Burger King whoppers with cheese, nachos, pizza, Dunkin’ Donuts’ sprinkled donuts, peanut m&m’s, Papa Gino’s steak and cheese subs, or  Pat’s cheeseburger clubs EVER. So it all comes to an end right now as quick as my decision to work out in my living room ended while I was using the Xbox zumba video game and the men fixing my front porch could see me through the window. They might as well have had picked up a 6-pack and some popcorn for the show until I caught them. Back to the gym for me, I’d rather look like an idiot trying to dance like a Latina among women and a certified instructor instead of a bunch of carpenters gawking at me. Thanks.

In any event, it’s a big week this week for tv. Tonight is my favorite show premiere, American Idol, then tomorrow is AI again, Jersey Shore and the finale of Housewives of Beverly Hills. Friday is a show premiere that apparently has been on since 2008 and I have been missing out BIG TIME….

My Big Redneck Wedding on CMT. Yipee!

I watched a rerun of My Big Redneck Wedding yesterday before work and was so disappointed in myself that I never saw it before but super psyched that it is now a part of my life. How can you really beat a wedding turned monster truck rally, a groom cutting the cake and then yelling that he’s gonna get her pregnant tonight and her parents cheering, flare gun bullets and coupons to get your septic tank cleaned as the party favors? It’s also complete with pop-up commentary from the Roseanne tattooed stallion himself, none other than Tom Arnold. Um, SIGN ME UP!

My girlfriends and I love themed parties, so of course, we had a redneck party a few years ago. We had a cow pinata that was filled with Slim-Jim’s and whiskey nips. We served hot dogs and cheese puffs in those little aluminum tins instead of on paper plates. There were fly swatters, cap guns, Franzia, Colt 45’s and mullet wigs for days. I thought putting my entire head of hair in sponge curlers was good, but after watching this show, I know I’m an amateur. We might have to do that party over,  2011 style. What do you think ladies?

I reckon' we should!

I have much better material now. So in case your curious, it’s on CMT at 9pm this Friday. I luckily am getting older, so don’t have much of a life these days and will be home and ordering take-out for the event… oh wait, I’m on a diet.

Teen Mom 2

Missing how Amber would bellow, Gearyyyy

I kept it to myself and away from my Facebook status last week, but I can’t hide it this week. I miss Gary. God love that giant Easter bunny. Although we have a couple of loose cannons and a girl who is a nominee for a future season of Bad Girls Club, this season is still lacking without Gary. That’s all I’ll say about that. I don’t want to start crying.

Was anyone else like WTF when poor Leah took her baby to the doctor? The person in the room who was the MEDICAL DOCTOR said, “Well, it looks like her arms are too short.” Hey thanks! How much was my co-pay again? I was curious because I thought I went to my doctor’s office to get medical advice and not to a homeless guy where when I give him money he tells me something obvious. I feel so bad for her. I can’t imagine having to go through that, let alone being 16 and having to go through that. I will add her and baby Aliannah to my prayer list. I’ll even move them up to be before Kirk Cameron who needs the most prayers out of any living creature.

Jenelle and her mom. Ha. Hmm. Oh boy. I think they are both crazy. Her mom complains about her not doing anything but then doesn’t let her do anything, but if I was her mom she’d be chained up in the basement. She might even respond better to that since she looks like Bella in Twilight, but you know, a Kentucky version. Not sure how Kentucky vampires work, I only know about the Forks ones.

She’s disrespectful, rude and violent. Everything you’d want in a tv character but not in a mom. I love that when she couldn’t pay the lawyer she asked to come home. Her mom is too nice but she can do what she wants. I just wish I lived on her street when her mom served her the summons for court in the last episode. I am the first one to roll up the shade or go outside when I hear so much as a hiss on my street in the hopes of catching a good rabid cat fight. I don’t know what it is but I love good street commotion. I hear someone trying to take Miah’s parking spot and I’m out there as fast as  the silver puddle on The Secret World of Alex Mack.

I kind of couldn’t believe though that neither of Jenelle’s friends tried stepping in when she was physically accosting her mom. Maybe it’s because I’m from the city but my friends would step in and separate that stuff – especially since you never know when someone is holding a weapon. I can’t wait for her to look back on this and regret treating her mom like that. It’s your mom! I regret fights I got into with my mom when I was younger, but I’ve made it up to her by letting her take care of my dog Henry, giving me a discount in rent and taking up three-quarters of her freezer space in the basement. We’re totally cool now.

 

Moral of the Story: Use sunblock. Don’t drink the water. Love your mama. Clean your septic tank.

Just a thought: Is it just me or is anyone else noticing Tim the Toolman Taylor doing a lot of voiceover work for commercials these days?

Advertisements

1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    deirdre said,

    Hilarious Beth! I love it!


Comment RSS · TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: