Archive for Life

Babies and Boobs.

Real Housewives of Orange County

Apparently boobies were the theme for this episode. Between Peggy getting her crooked right bomb reassessed (and her husband asking to keep the old implants to juggle with (WTFFFFFF), to Gretchen’s orange slices t-shirt, to Tamra’s topless photo-shoot blazing her implant scars and making me want to puke all over my remote control…. you couldn’t escape it! To the left, BOOBS! To the right, BOOBS! Everywhere you look, BOOBS! I will admit Gretchen looked adorable, even though she’s on my shit list for being annoying, with her little bow in her hair and all that, but the t-shirt, really?? Her shirt reminds me of something that is on my pet peeve list.  A list which is very very lengthy and includes attention demanding clothes such as the pants that have writing on the butt. I hate those PINK pants or CHEER shorts that seem to be the rage among prepubescent girls and teenagers…. like hi, please look at my butt. I don’t care how old you are, if you’re a sex offender or not, but I want you to read what is written on my ass and as a direct result – assess my whole body inappropriately. It’s a badddd idea and if I have kids (good luck to them), whether those pants are in or not, they will never own them. My poor non-existing kids already have so many limits on them, that when they do actually exist there is a 98% chance that they will be at the peanut allergy table at school with no one to talk to. I personally won’t wear those pants or shorts not because I don’t want anyone looking at my butt, but because I don’t have a butt. My message would get lost in translation as I can’t fill out a pair of pants to save my life. I’m your worst nightmare if we have to squish in a crowded car and I end up sitting on your lap. My back basically goes straight into my thighs without so much as a bump. Luckily my muffin top evens me out.

How did you guys feel about Gretchen using her diamond ring from her first marriage to make a new ring for her mom? I don’t think I like it. I just feel like that diamond has no meaning to her mom. It’s a nice gesture and I don’t know anyone who would refuse it, but still. I’m iffy. Slade is right up there with Ronnie from JS for me. Talking to Gretchen’s dad, who admittedly isn’t a huge fan of him, saying, ‘dude, dude!’ My dad would give him an award winning blank stare and awkward silence. But to be honest, Gretchen and Slade deserve each other. They both mooch and make you want to punch babies. Gretchen summed up her whole existence and what everyone knows to be true about her when Alexis said that she was treating the girls to botox (where was my invite, biatch?) and Gretchen said ‘if I had known you were going to do this, I wouldn’t have gotten it a few months ago…where else could I get it?’ Ewww. Way to take advantage of someone’s kindness, you mooch.

I felt bad for Tamra when she was moving and came across her wedding stuff in front of Eddie. That’s never easy. Even if you’ve moved on, coming across something that suddenly makes unexpected memories to rush back to you like that is tough. Maybe that’s why she completely ripped Fernanda’s face off for using the word ‘disappointed’ in regards to missing her Citizenship Party, whether Fernanda is a Stage 5 clinger or not…. I was like YIKES!

All About Aubrey

Good Morning! Boom out of the gate, within the first 30 seconds, Aubrey has pretty much created a patent for talking vibrators with potential celebrity endorsements. HELLLLLOOO. I just made a nice hot cup of decaf Tazo Calm tea and got into bed to watch one of my top 5 favorite trainwrecks before bed and WELL HELLO.  Should have been a shot of tequilla for Christ’s sake.

So in this episode, we find out that not only is Aubrey a Beiber fan, she loves the Celtics! Moving up on my favorite list quite rapidly. Then, THEN! She wears buttpads! I think I need to invest! She goes out with a guy who is the dead ringer for Candyman, the movie that when I was little used to make me wet my pants pre-bladder issues. I still can’t watch that movie without company. The only real difference between Candyman and his lookalike Sean is that Sean uses the word C-U-Next-Tuesday in referring to someone’s mother…. I do say only difference because I’m convinced Sean is most likely a serial killer as well. No one say Candyman 5 times in a mirror. Just.don’

The only difference between this show and Making the Band is the band and Puff Daddy/PDiddy/DiddyDirtyMoney. It’s all the same people helping her – Johnny Wright, her voice coach who looks like Rafiki from Lion King and now instead of Diddy, she’s got Russell Simmons as her guide. I wonder how Puff feels about this show and about Russell Simmons helping her out? In upbeat news, Aundrea from Danity Kane is going to be on the finale next week! Yippee!

Pregnant in Heels

So I kept seeing the trailer for this and wasn’t really interested because as most people know – pregnant bellies make me nauseous. Knowing that behind that shield of skin is a living creature with eyeballs, fingernails and hair that is due to come out of …. ok I’m gonna puke. Seriously. My sister had twins, who I love to death, but one day while sitting on the couch, she said Beth look! I looked and two little foot imprints were showing through stomach. Most people would think that was sweet, I on the other hand wanted to vomit. I felt like she was 10 seconds away from reenacting the scene in Spaceballs when the alien pops out of the guys belly in the diner with a top hat and a cane singing ‘Hello my baby, hello my honey…’ Then a few weeks later, the two little babies were sitting side by side in matching carseats, in little pink clothes with little pink hats and my sisters stomach was back to normal. Like WHAT? Those two things that blink, were just both in your stomach. They blink! They have fingernails! They have hair! All things that are meant for the exterior growing on the INTERIOR. I need a stork. Don’t even get me started on the belly button/umbilical cord situation. Oh God. I’m sweating. I don’t even like having gas, I can’t imagine what I’ll feel like with a baby in the oven floating around doing the backstroke in there. Waah. On a positive note, I would be able to eat cheeseburger subs in mass quantities because I’m eating for two! Must not be that bad…

Here’s the clip of the Spaceballs scene…. Check please!

But anyway, I was watching Bethenny last night and Pregnant in Heels came on right after. I watched it and I AM HOOKED! I love Rosie Pope, Maternity Concierge and how she handles situations. I thought I was crazy, but she deals with some winners! Her job is basically to do whatever expecting parents want her to do in preparation for the birth. In this episode, she dealt with two moms, Sarah and Samantha. With only 4 weeks til delivery, Sarah barely acknowledged she was pregnant. She considered the baby in her belly as a life force sucking parasite and basically put aesthetics before the needs of the baby. I love Rosie and how she doesn’t react expression wise but tells it like it is. I was cringing for her for a minute there when she brought a therapist into Sarah’s house to help them understand why they weren’t preparing for the baby. They were so insulted and it looked like she was going to get crucified but in the end they loved it and little baby boy Fox soon became the center of their universe….exactly the opposite of what they wanted.

Now, let’s talk about Samantha! What a pssssyyyycccchhhoooo!!!! Basically this mom is on her 3rd child and is big into branding. So as she tries to create a branding for her family, she believes it starts with a first impression, which is your name. So she didn’t think that her first two kids names were strong enough, Ella & Ruby, and so she enlists the help of Rosie to help her come up with a marquee name. This is what they do: Rosie has to round up a group of experts to create a think tank of names. They have a poet, a linguistics specialist, a baby blogger, etc. They all come up with a group of names but with guidelines from Samantha of course. This name can not have a j, an e, an r. It must be easy to spell, and can not be decorative. From there, the final names go to a focus group, where Rosie and the parents will watch in a two way mirrored room. This group of people that made up the focus group were some very powerful people in NYC and as parents striving to obtain a successful and powerful brand for their child, these are the people’s opinions they really wanted. Naturally, as control freaks, any time a name that they liked was unliked by someone in the group, Samantha and her husband considered them uneducated and out of tune. So from the focus group, they took the top 3 names to a dinner among friends for some valued feedback. Naturally, when the baby is born, they pick the name that no one wanted and that didn’t even make it to the top 3 list for the friends dinner….so all those groups and efforts were for nothing. Baby Bowen Asher will one day be his own brand….. I’ll keep my eyes peeled.

Moral of the Story: Everyone put your boobs away and watch Pregnant in Heels on again tonight! Tweet #RosiePopeforPresident. It’s trending!

Just a Thought: I think I found something that parallels Keyboard Cat… almost. But it really makes me laugh. I know I’m 3 years behind. So sue me. Dramatic Chipmunk!!



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Human Code.

First off, Happy Valentine’s Day.  Whether you’re single or in a relationship, I hope you had a great day. My boyfriend decided to start the day off right… by bringing me breakfast in bed. It was a SlimFast shake. Although the message was clear as day, I thought it was hilarious. So no fights. No one is single and my diet starts tomorrow.

As for gifts, let’s start out with what he got me. He bought all of my meals today and they all included bacon. Key to my heart…literally. Makes me happy and is slowly clogging my arteries. I love it. Then I came home from work to these gorgeous long stemmed red roses. We got take out so we could watch the Beanpot, and after we eat – he gives me a Nordstrom box and when I open it, it’s a brand new square gold watch with diamond number markers. I was pumped! Right now, I’m wearing it next to my current gold watch, which he told me was very Tupac – East Coast/West Coast time.

Not planning on him getting me anything since we are going on a cruise in 2 weeks… he opens my little gift. Yes, the pictures are right. They are Mexican Thumb Wrestling Masks with a matching card. Although he totally trumped me this Valentine’s Day, I’ve now learned a lesson…. gifts like mine are not romantic. At least we were hysterically laughing as we thumb wrestled. He was “El Sancho” and I was “El Chupacabras”. I love him.

Not sure if you watched the Grammy’s last night, but I had a real issue with Rihanna. I certainly hope Drake isn’t married because she was one dry hump away from making it happen and getting preggers. I don’t know what is going on with her, but I’m sad about it. I felt so terrible for her with the whole Chris Brown thing but now she is singing songs (that are catchy as hell but still…) about liking s&m with chains and whips, gyrating on other rappers legs, wearing underwear with mirrors on them symbolic of ‘you could be here’, etc. Maybe she is trying to show the world that she is taking control back and maybe she’s not, but if I ever had a daughter, she wouldn’t be listening to Rihanna right now… just like Annie C banned me from Color me Bad when ‘I Wanna Sex You Up’ came out. It’s a wrong message, and I’m sad about it.

I know people have different definitions of what love is. Mine is thumb war. Miah’s is SlimFast. Rihanna’s is confusing. Whatever it is, whenever it comes – just wish that it’s healthy. Happy heart day to all of you.

Speaking of relationship health…

Jersey Shore

I realized as I watched this past week’s episode, I didn’t write about the previous week’s episode. WTF. SORRY! How could I not blog about Ronnie bleeding out of his ass! The fact that when the doctor is asking him questions in the office, the patient table is up against the wall and then when the show him getting checked out (which I was visualizing and dry heaving at the same time), they had to move the table out to fit the camera back there to zoom in on his facial expressions. Eww. “Hmm, so no pain around the rim at all?” Uggghhhh. In the end he chalked it up to controlling his drinking. Um, Ron Ron..control your steroid use. How about that? And people, if you didn’t buy it before, don’t buy Xenadrine now… you’re bowels are going to leak blood.

I loved Pauly and Mike in this episode. Pauly with the phone messages and the stage 5 clinger, Mike talking about waiting for Sammi who is straightening her hair whose hair is already straight. Sadly, in this episode if I was Deena’s mom, the second I heard her say ‘Face Down, Ass Up’ I’d call my cable company and take MTV out of my plan. Probably move to the mountains with goats and nature. Read books and pray. After the whole gym convo last week, as a parent, I’m sure I couldn’t take much more. If I found out another fun facts about my sweet cherub daughter, I’d probably have a stroke. Mercy! Uncle!

On to the most recent episode: I understand that Mike plays both sides when it comes to Ronnie and Sammi but I hate that Ronnie gets so upset about it. Dude, you’re on TV. You can get mad that he told her something, but she’s going to actually see it. You’re on TV!! Guy code? Not sure it applies when you sign up for a reality show. I liked that Mike was finally like ok yeah I’m sorry, but in a way I wish when Ron was saying to Mike, ‘what you did in Miami was wrong’, that Mike said hooking up with girls then boning your girlfriend is wrong too. Ah.. only in a perfect world.

I wonder if when I get in arguments I say such incredibly dumb things as they do. Ronnie literally said, very intensely to Sammi – “Be a Woman and Man Up.” WHAT? What does that even mean? I mean, I’m on East Coast AND West Coast time and I don’t get it. But then on the other hand, I wonder if in an argument that I’m indirectly involved in, do I say such witty yet insensitive things as they do. Like Pauly D “They’re talking about relationships and my sneakers are dirty.” YES.

No lie, I had a nightmare after I watched this episode that night. I had a dream that a roid rage psycho broke into a house that myself and a girlfriend were having a party in. All party-goers left and wouldn’t step in and both myself and my friend got stabbed. Thanks, Ronnie! You have put the fear not only about Xenadrine and anal bleeds into me, but also about your potential future as a serial killer. I just couldn’t believe that after telling her he was going to sleep with two girls in front of her and all these nasty things, he went as crazy as he did about her dancing with a kid. This will be the only time I ever say it, but I felt so bad for Sammi in this episode. I know that they are together now, but if that episode is any insight as to what the rest of your life is going to be like with him… uh, good luck with that.

I am so so blind. So blind. Driving down the street one day with my friend Pauline, I say, “Hey look! There’s Dale!”. Dale is a well known special needs adult white male in the neighborhood. She’s like, that’s not Dale. As we got closer to the bus stop, I saw that she was in fact, right. It wasn’t Dale. It was a black middle aged woman. I can’t see shit. So, when Ronnie went crazy and stomped on her glasses, I too, went crazy. I was flipping out on the TV to the point where Miah was like, stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit. I would go nuts if someone broke my glasses… not only are they ridiculously expensive, I’d be saying hi to Dale when it’s really my mother until I got my next prescription. Not cool.

When she went to talk to him and he said, I had the respect to not do it in front of your face – I was stunned. Such respect! Sammi, stay with him! He’s so caring! He only climbed in your bed after he didn’t do anything in front of your face. Apparently, Ron Ron was taught a whole different definition of the word than the rest of the universe. He’s such a dick and I’m not even in the relationship… like Pauly said – should I be stressed about someone else’s relationship? My blood pressure got a little higher every time he opened his mouth to her. You want to act like a dog, you can sleep outside like a dog? I can’t believe they are still together, because if my dad saw that on TV – blood would be spilled, restraining orders taken, shallow graves would be dug and parole officers alerted.

Quote of the night  from Situation… Guy code? What about human code? Exactly. I couldn’t have said it better myself. And I wonder if JWOW’s ex boyfriend showed human code after he saw this episode and she looked smoking hot in her leather getup for Roger…. Miah said he probably burned her house down.

Moral of the Story: Show human code and if all else fails, thumb wrestle it out.

Just a Thought: WTF. Fix your hair.

Save the Dates:

All About Aubrey 3/7

Housewives of Miami 2/22

Bethenney Ever After 2/28

Housewives of OC 3/6

Housewives of NY – was scheduled for 2/15 but rescheduled in a rumored effort to try to help the Miami season launch. Boo.



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I miss Gary. Boo.

So Miah and I booked a cruise randomly on Monday night. We’re going to the Eastern Caribbean at the end of February. I’m really looking forward to it, it’s for 10 days to Aruba, Tortola, St. Maarten, St. Lucia, Barbados, St. George’s and Curacao – departing from and arriving in San Juan, Puerto Rico. I’m in desperate need of a vacation and I’ve never been on a cruise but have always wanted to, so I’m super pumped. The last vacation we took, excluding a few weddings, was last January to Punta Cana, DR. It was an amazing vacation and super relaxing; two spa massages, shopping, reading 5 books and resting… but ah, yeah, the reviews never mentioned the water bacteria, the 3rd world country you drive through to get to your resort, and the lack of English speaking television channels in the hotel. I was pissed when I had to watch reruns of Saved by the Bell in espanol. Who am I kidding, Saved by the Bell is good in any language. But the no American Idol the first week of the 9th season was really a punch in the gut.

The resort was gorgeous, but on the 3rd day of a 9 day vacation I realized really quickly that this might be the only time in my life where my love of processed food would be beneficial to me. American sausage and Tostitos were the only things I could hold down – I actually lost weight on vacation. So, with my situation and Miah’s pasty skin frying on day 1 to the point were he was the color of a boiled hot dog, forcing him to wear cotton tanks so that no clothing would touch his charred skin…. well, we were a sight.

Earlier in the week we signed up for an island excursion which was supposed to be a boat ride to a private island, so when the time came later in the week for it actually to happen, we both were in rare form but didn’t want to waste the money we already spent so we decided to go. The sun was so hot that day that even without a sunburn your skin tingled, so naturally Miah was uncomfortable…you know, looking like a piece of pastrami and all. What does he do, you ask? Oh, he runs to the first vendor he sees and buys the first bucket hat he can get his hands on. We get on the boat and I’m not pumped that my boyfriend is about to put on a bucket hat with his already not-embarrassing-whatsoever cotton tank, but he was in pain and I love him, so I want him to be happy and comfortable. Then we look at the hat and see that it was definitely made by a blind 8 year old. It’s camo but with a purple flowery bathing suit strap as the croakie for the hat.  Is he my soulmate? Obviously. See Exhibit A. (Although I hate this picture, it sums up EVERYTHING.)  When we got to the island, there were no trees and a coffin for a bathroom. We were both screwed.

Exhibit A

In all seriousness, we had a really great time and I’m really looking forward to this upcoming vacation. However, I am not looking forward to wearing a bathing suit in front of the masses. It starts at Halloween, when I buy the candy early to be ahead of the game, but then eat the entire bowl by myself, all the way through Christmas – the parties, the food, the goodies and drinks. It’s hard. And now this time of year until mid-February is my least favorite time at the gym. All the people that make a vow to themselves that this will be the year they get their fitness on and make it so that the regulars have to wait for machines and squish into classes. I hate it. I could really go for some of that Punta Cana water right about now.

So from now until the trip, I’m trying to make better choices. I usually eat pretty healthy but I don’t deprive myself of a Chipotle chicken burrito, crab rangoons, Wendy’s junior bacon cheeseburgers, Burger King whoppers with cheese, nachos, pizza, Dunkin’ Donuts’ sprinkled donuts, peanut m&m’s, Papa Gino’s steak and cheese subs, or  Pat’s cheeseburger clubs EVER. So it all comes to an end right now as quick as my decision to work out in my living room ended while I was using the Xbox zumba video game and the men fixing my front porch could see me through the window. They might as well have had picked up a 6-pack and some popcorn for the show until I caught them. Back to the gym for me, I’d rather look like an idiot trying to dance like a Latina among women and a certified instructor instead of a bunch of carpenters gawking at me. Thanks.

In any event, it’s a big week this week for tv. Tonight is my favorite show premiere, American Idol, then tomorrow is AI again, Jersey Shore and the finale of Housewives of Beverly Hills. Friday is a show premiere that apparently has been on since 2008 and I have been missing out BIG TIME….

My Big Redneck Wedding on CMT. Yipee!

I watched a rerun of My Big Redneck Wedding yesterday before work and was so disappointed in myself that I never saw it before but super psyched that it is now a part of my life. How can you really beat a wedding turned monster truck rally, a groom cutting the cake and then yelling that he’s gonna get her pregnant tonight and her parents cheering, flare gun bullets and coupons to get your septic tank cleaned as the party favors? It’s also complete with pop-up commentary from the Roseanne tattooed stallion himself, none other than Tom Arnold. Um, SIGN ME UP!

My girlfriends and I love themed parties, so of course, we had a redneck party a few years ago. We had a cow pinata that was filled with Slim-Jim’s and whiskey nips. We served hot dogs and cheese puffs in those little aluminum tins instead of on paper plates. There were fly swatters, cap guns, Franzia, Colt 45’s and mullet wigs for days. I thought putting my entire head of hair in sponge curlers was good, but after watching this show, I know I’m an amateur. We might have to do that party over,  2011 style. What do you think ladies?

I reckon' we should!

I have much better material now. So in case your curious, it’s on CMT at 9pm this Friday. I luckily am getting older, so don’t have much of a life these days and will be home and ordering take-out for the event… oh wait, I’m on a diet.

Teen Mom 2

Missing how Amber would bellow, Gearyyyy

I kept it to myself and away from my Facebook status last week, but I can’t hide it this week. I miss Gary. God love that giant Easter bunny. Although we have a couple of loose cannons and a girl who is a nominee for a future season of Bad Girls Club, this season is still lacking without Gary. That’s all I’ll say about that. I don’t want to start crying.

Was anyone else like WTF when poor Leah took her baby to the doctor? The person in the room who was the MEDICAL DOCTOR said, “Well, it looks like her arms are too short.” Hey thanks! How much was my co-pay again? I was curious because I thought I went to my doctor’s office to get medical advice and not to a homeless guy where when I give him money he tells me something obvious. I feel so bad for her. I can’t imagine having to go through that, let alone being 16 and having to go through that. I will add her and baby Aliannah to my prayer list. I’ll even move them up to be before Kirk Cameron who needs the most prayers out of any living creature.

Jenelle and her mom. Ha. Hmm. Oh boy. I think they are both crazy. Her mom complains about her not doing anything but then doesn’t let her do anything, but if I was her mom she’d be chained up in the basement. She might even respond better to that since she looks like Bella in Twilight, but you know, a Kentucky version. Not sure how Kentucky vampires work, I only know about the Forks ones.

She’s disrespectful, rude and violent. Everything you’d want in a tv character but not in a mom. I love that when she couldn’t pay the lawyer she asked to come home. Her mom is too nice but she can do what she wants. I just wish I lived on her street when her mom served her the summons for court in the last episode. I am the first one to roll up the shade or go outside when I hear so much as a hiss on my street in the hopes of catching a good rabid cat fight. I don’t know what it is but I love good street commotion. I hear someone trying to take Miah’s parking spot and I’m out there as fast as  the silver puddle on The Secret World of Alex Mack.

I kind of couldn’t believe though that neither of Jenelle’s friends tried stepping in when she was physically accosting her mom. Maybe it’s because I’m from the city but my friends would step in and separate that stuff – especially since you never know when someone is holding a weapon. I can’t wait for her to look back on this and regret treating her mom like that. It’s your mom! I regret fights I got into with my mom when I was younger, but I’ve made it up to her by letting her take care of my dog Henry, giving me a discount in rent and taking up three-quarters of her freezer space in the basement. We’re totally cool now.


Moral of the Story: Use sunblock. Don’t drink the water. Love your mama. Clean your septic tank.

Just a thought: Is it just me or is anyone else noticing Tim the Toolman Taylor doing a lot of voiceover work for commercials these days?

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Ski School

The photographer wasn't up to par in my eyes, but I got a free comb.

I’m Beth. This is me. Well, the picture is from kindergarten, but to be honest, the only thing that has really changed since then are the bangs and the uni-brow. OK well, currently, the uni-brow is debatable.

What I’m thinking is usually written right on my face and now, it’ll be written here.  So here we go.

As we speak, I am sitting on the couch with a bag of frozen broccoli on the side of my head. I’ll explain in a minute. Let’s start at the beginning.

For the long weekend my boyfriend and I went up North toward Waterville, NH to go skiing with some friends. Well, they were all going to go skiing and I was planning on drinking alone by the fireplace in the lodge. I don’t ski and don’t ever plan to again. See, a couple of years ago, I was dating this kid who was a huge snowboarder. So while he went to Utah to snowboard with his family, I decided I was going to impress him and learn how to ski. I got one of my girlfriends who loved to ski and her husband to take me. I had full intentions to start off on the bunny slope, but she insisted that it was pretty simple and she could show me when I got to the top of the mountain. Not sure why that sounded like a good idea but that was, fo shizzle,  mistake #1.

Walking to the chair-lift was hard enough. By the time I got all my ski gear on, I was exhausted. But anyway, the second we stood up off the chair-lift, I fell so hard into my friend’s husband, I knocked both of the skis off his feet. Naturally, I had no idea how to get up so that of course, started a forced formed line of angry snow bunnies who couldn’t get around my cold lifeless body at the foot of the landing.

When I finally got dragged by my arms to the side by my friend and her husband to let the angry mob through, I managed to make my way to the top of the slope that definitely didn’t look as steep from the bottom. In any event, I started and couldn’t stop and had to throw my body to the side like a wet noodle to not endanger those around me. As I did that, I felt it. The tear in my knee.  Laughing it off but secretly wanting to die, I made the rest of my way down the mountain on my ass straight into the lodge to the Bud Light drafts. An MRI, a torn MCL and several physical therapy sessions later… that was my first and last experience skiing. And the boy I was trying to impress – we were done a month later.

Anyway, back to the present time… This Saturday morning, the entire house headed toward Cannon Mountain. My boyfriend Miah decided to keep me company in the lodge and not ski. We got a table in the bar and talked about how out of shape we both are over a plate of BBQ chicken fingers and waffle fries covered in cheese and gravy. That place was funny – I felt like I was in one of the greatest hangover movies known to man, “Ski School”. Don’t know it? 1- I’m disappointed in you, 2 – Here’s the clip.

The waiter was definitely that kid who got stuffed in a locker in high school and now needs to feel powerful in his role of manager of the CANNONBALL. There were neon ski suits EVERYWHERE and older men exposing their chest hair through the half-zipped-no-undershirt ski shirts. They had a band come in during the middle of the Bruins game (WTF), and I swear to God, the lead guy looked like he is supposed to be a magician instead.


As the band started to play 70’s hits, a makeshift dance floor broke out consisting of 3 women in the 45-60 year old age range. One of them is the doppelganger for the grandmother in the movie “Flowers in the Attic” but with worse 80’s hair, the other one I know I’ve seen on either Intervention or Cathouse (not sure which) and the third lady got completely dressed in snow gear and ski boots just to dance but didn’t ski once – we knew this by her perfectly coiffed hair.

Cathouse clan.

These ladies were grinding with a guy who had a visor on with a fake hair blow out attached. I took pictures of our friend Burch’s facial expressions. His face sums up everyone’s thoughts….

So yeah that was Saturday. Yesterday the party weekend continued thanks to MLK. Holla! To make it brief, several of us started off the afternoon with hard alcohol followed by beers and wine….leading to drunk sledding in the darkness. Sounds like a good idea, right? We took this idea pretty seriously, as our friend Meghan went around collecting the cardboard around the house, wrapping it in trash bags and making “The Beast”, the vessel that would carry us through winter wonderland. Our friend Paul even made homemade sled-shoes. See Exhibit A.

Exhibit A.

I usually stay clear of anything that would require me using muscles, but for some reason, after we went outside and borrowed our neighbors sleds, I couldn’t refuse. If you know me, you know I’m prone to injury, humiliation and loss of dignity on a regular basis. Not sure why I thought this night would be any different as I jumped belly down on the only plastic sled (others were foam), unfortunately got on a very smooth track, flew full speed down the huge hill, soared straight past the landing and straight into the trees on the other end of the property where I proceeded to go head first into a tree stump, splitting the side of my head open. Why not, right?

Luckily, there were two nurses at home. One said I needed at least 2 stitches, one who said Neosporin and ice. Since there was a fresh box of Franzia wine on the table inside, I opted for the Neosporin and ice.

Today I’m ok. Sore in my ear,  jaw and head, but actually more upset that I hit my head so hard, it took my Chloe earring right out of my ear to be lost in the brush. Boo. I am however, impressed that the only person on the trip who can’t ski was the only one injured. Who would have thought that homemade beer box sled shoes were safer than an actual sled?

Moral of the story: Winter sports are not for me. Box-o-wine is yummo, I don’t care what you say.


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