Blame it on the Xenadrine

Because my social life is at it’s peak – I have never met a Bravo show that I didn’t love. I am talking everything – it started with Project Runway (which ironically I can’t find the Lifetime Channel unless a made for TV movie is on…sorry Tim Gunn), then moved on to Work Out, Flipping Out, Thintervention, Kathy Griffen, Top Chef, Housewives (All of them), 9 by design, Rachel Zoe, Matchmaker, Shear Genius….all of it. I watch it all. Like I said, my social life is booming. But for 4 weeks, I have attempted to watch but can’t make myself like the cast of Housewives of Miami. I have to say I hate it. Sorry Andy Cohen! Well I hate HWOM and the reruns of America’s Next Top Model every single day. Don’t even get me started on my hatred for Tyra Banks. DON’T. GET. ME. STARTED. Her eyeballs, her forehead, the fact that she feels she can speak in different accents when she feels like it and no one will notice… grr. I need a valium. So let’s dish, shall we?

Housewives of Miami

Let’s just start with the pig roast. Helllllooooo P.e.t.a.! I wonder how many animal activists have since chained their bodies to Alexia’s rod iron fence. Holy crap. I don’t do blood, guts, papercuts, mosquito bites, things like that  in general, and then I always feel bad for the injured animal in a movie more than the dead human ….Gladiator? Braveheart? Paranormal Activity? (Speaking of, in all seriousness, what was the outcome of the dog’s diagnosis in the sequel? They never answered it and it really pissed me off) Waaaahhh! So my favorite network and favorite show series thinks it’s ok to literally fling a dead pig around, gut it open, crack it’s bones and put oven mitts on it’s limbs – all on a kitchen island in front of a national audience…. hi. Can I get a disclaimer? Don’t get me wrong, I could eat bacon until the fluid retention in my body puts me right in the Guiness Book of World Records, but I don’t need to see how it’s made. Strike 1, Miami.

Marysol. Although she is probably my favorite housewife on this show – that’s not saying much. I have slim pickin’s. Talk about the worst proposal ever! I’ll just give you a 629746294769-294672-967 million dollar 10 carat ring and no hug, no kiss. JT brings me a Whopper Jr. from Burger King and I get more excited. They essentially planned their wedding and then gave each other a little peck. I don’t like when people play coy – I’m a straight to the point kind of person so when he was like I asked your dad for you hands and she said my hands??? Puke.

Lea. OK – maybe I’m delusional because I’m used to seeing each housewife looking 20 years younger thanks to the advances of modern science and surgery, but is Lea someone on the shows mother or does she just age correctly?

Kristy. By far, my least favorite housewife of all time. Reminds me of a tick-y schizo.

Elsa! The only redeeming quality about the entire show! She looks like a monster from Buffy the Vampire Slayer but I can’t get enough. I think my absolute favorite thing about her is that she wears makeup. LOL Makeup is to make you feel pretty, freshen up your look, etc. LOL Makeup, Elsa? Really? Really? It’s not helping. Although who knows what you look like without it – maybe it is helping. OBSESSED.

Jersey Shore

I may be going out on a limb here but I don’t think Sammi is wrong. I know she texted Arvin the anteater but it was the next day after her and Ronnie broke up and he ruined everything that she owned! In Miami, they broke up for 30 seconds and he went downstairs and called his ex-girlfriend to make a date! Hellllooo!! She’s not wrong. It’s definitely going to sting a little at first, Ronnie, but get over it. You’ve been way worse to her than she ever was to you. You bet your ass I’d do it too. I really hate Ronnie, like really hate him. Like tweet mean things to him on Twitter. Yeah, I’m tough. Other than his obnoxious laugh, his shit eating grins, and just his personality in general – the thing I hate the most about him is his Xenedrine commercial. “Hi, I’m Ronnie from Jersey Shore and keeping it real is what I’m all about.” AS HE’S WAVING TO A FAKE CROWD AND FAKE PAPARAZZI TALKING ABOUT A WEIGHT LOSS AND FAT CONTROL PRODUCT. Really keeping it real dude. No crowd. No real cameras. Not staying in shape naturally. Genius. I bet he wrote his own lines. F’ing idiot.

I found this video when looking up the Xenadrine commercial. Oh yes. Yes I did. Please watch. New fav.

Him talking about how is heart is broken at this point. Eww God, he’s such a loser. I mean I’m sure a good percentage of us have all been in unhealthy, unequal, unfair relationships before – but seeing this on TV, makes me appreciate so much what I have now. Although I am approaching 30 this year and can’t hold my liquor or my bladder anymore, I’m so happy that those early/mid twenty beyond frustrating relationship years are behind me. I remember when I was 26, all my girlfriends and I went to Baltimore for the Red Sox game, and my boyfriend called and flipped on me about something stupid and I was screaming at the top of my lungs, trying to get him to understand – all while my girls were in the other room sitting there listening. Very Jersey Shore-esque. Afterward, my girls calmed me down and I cried into a steak and cheese sub. Nowadays, it’s so much more enjoyable to cry into a steak and cheese sub solely because it’s even more delicious with solid peace and harmony in my life. Who knew??

The only other notable topic in the last two shows was the ‘Denim-denim-denim’ comment from Pauly to Deena. Not sure if it’s because I’m the above listed bladder issue, but I almost peed. I can’t stop saying it either. That might be the single best one liner I’ve ever heard. Ever. Where was that when JT and Brit Brit were dating??

Moral of the Story: Ron leave. Sammi leave. No one take Xenadrine. Elsa for President.

Just a Thought: Did you guys see the commercial for Mob Wives! YEEEAAAAHHHHH

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1 Response so far »

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