Archive for Russell Simmons

Babies and Boobs.

Real Housewives of Orange County

Apparently boobies were the theme for this episode. Between Peggy getting her crooked right bomb reassessed (and her husband asking to keep the old implants to juggle with (WTFFFFFF), to Gretchen’s orange slices t-shirt, to Tamra’s topless photo-shoot blazing her implant scars and making me want to puke all over my remote control…. you couldn’t escape it! To the left, BOOBS! To the right, BOOBS! Everywhere you look, BOOBS! I will admit Gretchen looked adorable, even though she’s on my shit list for being annoying, with her little bow in her hair and all that, but the t-shirt, really?? Her shirt reminds me of something that is on my pet peeve list.  A list which is very very lengthy and includes attention demanding clothes such as the pants that have writing on the butt. I hate those PINK pants or CHEER shorts that seem to be the rage among prepubescent girls and teenagers…. like hi, please look at my butt. I don’t care how old you are, if you’re a sex offender or not, but I want you to read what is written on my ass and as a direct result – assess my whole body inappropriately. It’s a badddd idea and if I have kids (good luck to them), whether those pants are in or not, they will never own them. My poor non-existing kids already have so many limits on them, that when they do actually exist there is a 98% chance that they will be at the peanut allergy table at school with no one to talk to. I personally won’t wear those pants or shorts not because I don’t want anyone looking at my butt, but because I don’t have a butt. My message would get lost in translation as I can’t fill out a pair of pants to save my life. I’m your worst nightmare if we have to squish in a crowded car and I end up sitting on your lap. My back basically goes straight into my thighs without so much as a bump. Luckily my muffin top evens me out.

How did you guys feel about Gretchen using her diamond ring from her first marriage to make a new ring for her mom? I don’t think I like it. I just feel like that diamond has no meaning to her mom. It’s a nice gesture and I don’t know anyone who would refuse it, but still. I’m iffy. Slade is right up there with Ronnie from JS for me. Talking to Gretchen’s dad, who admittedly isn’t a huge fan of him, saying, ‘dude, dude!’ My dad would give him an award winning blank stare and awkward silence. But to be honest, Gretchen and Slade deserve each other. They both mooch and make you want to punch babies. Gretchen summed up her whole existence and what everyone knows to be true about her when Alexis said that she was treating the girls to botox (where was my invite, biatch?) and Gretchen said ‘if I had known you were going to do this, I wouldn’t have gotten it a few months ago…where else could I get it?’ Ewww. Way to take advantage of someone’s kindness, you mooch.

I felt bad for Tamra when she was moving and came across her wedding stuff in front of Eddie. That’s never easy. Even if you’ve moved on, coming across something that suddenly makes unexpected memories to rush back to you like that is tough. Maybe that’s why she completely ripped Fernanda’s face off for using the word ‘disappointed’ in regards to missing her Citizenship Party, whether Fernanda is a Stage 5 clinger or not…. I was like YIKES!

All About Aubrey

Good Morning! Boom out of the gate, within the first 30 seconds, Aubrey has pretty much created a patent for talking vibrators with potential celebrity endorsements. HELLLLLOOO. I just made a nice hot cup of decaf Tazo Calm tea and got into bed to watch one of my top 5 favorite trainwrecks before bed and WELL HELLO.  Should have been a shot of tequilla for Christ’s sake.

So in this episode, we find out that not only is Aubrey a Beiber fan, she loves the Celtics! Moving up on my favorite list quite rapidly. Then, THEN! She wears buttpads! I think I need to invest! She goes out with a guy who is the dead ringer for Candyman, the movie that when I was little used to make me wet my pants pre-bladder issues. I still can’t watch that movie without company. The only real difference between Candyman and his lookalike Sean is that Sean uses the word C-U-Next-Tuesday in referring to someone’s mother…. I do say only difference because I’m convinced Sean is most likely a serial killer as well. No one say Candyman 5 times in a mirror. Just.don’t.do.it.

The only difference between this show and Making the Band is the band and Puff Daddy/PDiddy/DiddyDirtyMoney. It’s all the same people helping her – Johnny Wright, her voice coach who looks like Rafiki from Lion King and now instead of Diddy, she’s got Russell Simmons as her guide. I wonder how Puff feels about this show and about Russell Simmons helping her out? In upbeat news, Aundrea from Danity Kane is going to be on the finale next week! Yippee!

Pregnant in Heels

So I kept seeing the trailer for this and wasn’t really interested because as most people know – pregnant bellies make me nauseous. Knowing that behind that shield of skin is a living creature with eyeballs, fingernails and hair that is due to come out of …. ok I’m gonna puke. Seriously. My sister had twins, who I love to death, but one day while sitting on the couch, she said Beth look! I looked and two little foot imprints were showing through stomach. Most people would think that was sweet, I on the other hand wanted to vomit. I felt like she was 10 seconds away from reenacting the scene in Spaceballs when the alien pops out of the guys belly in the diner with a top hat and a cane singing ‘Hello my baby, hello my honey…’ Then a few weeks later, the two little babies were sitting side by side in matching carseats, in little pink clothes with little pink hats and my sisters stomach was back to normal. Like WHAT? Those two things that blink, were just both in your stomach. They blink! They have fingernails! They have hair! All things that are meant for the exterior growing on the INTERIOR. I need a stork. Don’t even get me started on the belly button/umbilical cord situation. Oh God. I’m sweating. I don’t even like having gas, I can’t imagine what I’ll feel like with a baby in the oven floating around doing the backstroke in there. Waah. On a positive note, I would be able to eat cheeseburger subs in mass quantities because I’m eating for two! Must not be that bad…

Here’s the clip of the Spaceballs scene…. Check please!

But anyway, I was watching Bethenny last night and Pregnant in Heels came on right after. I watched it and I AM HOOKED! I love Rosie Pope, Maternity Concierge and how she handles situations. I thought I was crazy, but she deals with some winners! Her job is basically to do whatever expecting parents want her to do in preparation for the birth. In this episode, she dealt with two moms, Sarah and Samantha. With only 4 weeks til delivery, Sarah barely acknowledged she was pregnant. She considered the baby in her belly as a life force sucking parasite and basically put aesthetics before the needs of the baby. I love Rosie and how she doesn’t react expression wise but tells it like it is. I was cringing for her for a minute there when she brought a therapist into Sarah’s house to help them understand why they weren’t preparing for the baby. They were so insulted and it looked like she was going to get crucified but in the end they loved it and little baby boy Fox soon became the center of their universe….exactly the opposite of what they wanted.

Now, let’s talk about Samantha! What a pssssyyyycccchhhoooo!!!! Basically this mom is on her 3rd child and is big into branding. So as she tries to create a branding for her family, she believes it starts with a first impression, which is your name. So she didn’t think that her first two kids names were strong enough, Ella & Ruby, and so she enlists the help of Rosie to help her come up with a marquee name. This is what they do: Rosie has to round up a group of experts to create a think tank of names. They have a poet, a linguistics specialist, a baby blogger, etc. They all come up with a group of names but with guidelines from Samantha of course. This name can not have a j, an e, an r. It must be easy to spell, and can not be decorative. From there, the final names go to a focus group, where Rosie and the parents will watch in a two way mirrored room. This group of people that made up the focus group were some very powerful people in NYC and as parents striving to obtain a successful and powerful brand for their child, these are the people’s opinions they really wanted. Naturally, as control freaks, any time a name that they liked was unliked by someone in the group, Samantha and her husband considered them uneducated and out of tune. So from the focus group, they took the top 3 names to a dinner among friends for some valued feedback. Naturally, when the baby is born, they pick the name that no one wanted and that didn’t even make it to the top 3 list for the friends dinner….so all those groups and efforts were for nothing. Baby Bowen Asher will one day be his own brand….. I’ll keep my eyes peeled.

Moral of the Story: Everyone put your boobs away and watch Pregnant in Heels on again tonight! Tweet #RosiePopeforPresident. It’s trending!

Just a Thought: I think I found something that parallels Keyboard Cat… almost. But it really makes me laugh. I know I’m 3 years behind. So sue me. Dramatic Chipmunk!!

 

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Thug Life.

On Saturday night, Miah and I met some friends for dinner before we went to go see The Fighter. I realize we are the last people in Massachusetts to see this movie, so I’m not reporting anything new, but that movie was amazing. Christian Bale played such a convincing crack head that I swear to God I’ve seen him at Fields Corner train station. I felt bad for him a bit – I mean, among his many issues, he was convinced that they were filming a documentary about his comeback, when it was really about addiction. Ouchie. Amy Adams, I was completely impressed with – so far, she’s the only Disney princess turned serious actress that I actually respect. Being nasty came so completely easy to her, that I’d like to initiate her into my group of friends. Bitchy non-essential defensiveness is a prerequisite that we take pretty seriously.

Our friends Corrie and Chris just came back from doing their wedding registry so since

Boo Hoo.

they were gun happy and in wedding mode, I told them about My Big Redneck Wedding. I mean, I was just trying to help and give Chris an idea for a wedding gift for Corrie on the day of…. jewelry? No. A pistol? Yes. I think that show has a few new fans now.

Corrie, is as equally obsessed with Bravo TV as I am and in fact got a Tweet back from Kyle Richards from RHOBH this week. Lucky bitch. Her fiance, Chris, is more like my boyfriend with sports as the priority but he’s interested in pop culture and so he brought up a subject that we had a dead serious conversation at the table about for 10 solid minutes. Jennifer Aniston.

His theory is that she has to be the biggest bitch alive if she is still single. With the exception of Brad Pitt, since everyone knows that Angelina ruined that relationship, she’s dated John Mayer, Gerard Butler, Adam Duritz, Jon Stewart, Paul Rudd, Vince Vaughn, but is still single. She’s hot. She dresses well. She’s classy. Has an amazing career. She’s funny. She’s single. So he thinks she must be a wicked biatch. He brings up a good point, but maybe she’s just picky? I don’t know what do you think? I think she should date Bruce Willis because I really liked them as a couple on Friends.

But anyway, I didn’t blog on Thursday night because, quite frankly, I was in a reality-tv coma. Jersey Shore, American Idol and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale. My apologies. Down to business…

Jersey Shore

First off, where did Snooki get the Thug Life trucker hat? That made my night and I love that the little munchkin with a pink leopard print tank, Gucci bag and a pouf that is looking more like a Martha Washington wig these days is wearing that hat. I think it would go perfectly with my Armani-Exchange-rhinestone-Ed-Hardy-ish tshirt that I plan on wearing on Jersdays. Birthday is in July, people!

Ronnie’s a geek. I know that flirting with a guy in a club and giving him a kiss on the cheek probably isn’t the best route to go when you have a serious boyfriend, but JWow really didn’t do anything wrong. Then he’s in the confessional talking about her being a shady bitch and a hypocrite after she talked to Tom on the phone that night. C’mon bro! No. Talking to someone and having sex with someone and then going to bed with your girlfriend… um, yeah you’re still the douchebag. The only good thing about him getting camera time in this episode was that every time they showed him, Miah would yell out, “Look at that huge zit on his back!”

The Ron look-a-like was hilarious and the fact that when Deena had to go change into a bikini for the hot tub, she felt the need to add a cowboy hat to her ensemble was even funnier. Yeehaw!

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Second to Lisa, Kyle is my favorite housewife. But this finale made me mad at her, well also the episode where she got a bikini wax in front of her teenage daughter. But nevertheless, everyone knows Kim is on another planet. We knew that from the second episode when she said that paparazzi were telling Paris that she was an icon. Michael Jackson. Whitney Houston. Marilyn Monroe. Those are icons. Kim Richards? Never heard of her. But regardless, Kim didn’t do anything wrong in this episode and was attacked by everyone. I felt bad for her. And I felt even worse for Martin. Poor guy was just trying to get lucky and instead got trapped in a limo with fist slinging sisters. Jeesh! Dating is not what it used to be.

Taylor even said on Watch What Happens Live after the show that she never intended for it to be a fight, that she just wanted to talk to Kim but when Kim stood up, Taylor was immediately on defense. So, Taylor, just a thought – why didn’t you ask Kim to sit down and start the conversation off in a non-abrasive tone and tell her you are looking to make things right? Oh, because you WERE looking for a fight. I get it now.

I felt bad for Camille too. Can you imagine walking into your apartment and having the doorman question who you are and then have to show identification!? Yikes. I can’t wait for the reunion! And to see Giggy again.

Jerseylicious

Oh New Jersey Fashion Week…. I don’t get it. I was expecting more bedazzlers. So disappointed. Anyway, I really hate Alexa. She makes me think that this show is even more scripted than I ever thought. She’s the worst actress. But is it just me or is she looking like she hangs out with Christian Bale lately? She’s a hairdresser and a makeup artist, correct? Her hair doesn’t match her roots which doesn’t match her eyebrows. Her face doesn’t match the color of her neck. Ladies, do you remember when you were younger and you went drinking all night and you’d go into the restroom at 1 a.m., look in the mirror and think, Damn I look good, but then you’d see pictures of yourself and you actually looked like a $2 hooker? Well, that’s what Alexa looks like daily… and intentionally. She tries to be funny too but it just makes me want to mace even more than I did before. When she said that she had a connection with the designer and how it was comparable to when a French person sees another French person at Starbucks and they connect and start speaking their language. What? Didn’t Starbucks originate in Seattle?

I used to be able to take Olivia’s getup, because I actually like her so her makeup never bothered me. But this week, YIKES! She wore a red blazer and looked like a clown. Then when her and Anthony went to go visit the designer… the zebra jumpsuit! Are you kidding me?! But even worse, how about Tracey’s white head piece poinsettia thingie that she’s been wearing on her head? I’d like to think that someone would stop me but I guess when it comes to reality tv, ratings are more important than my dignity and reputation. That and maybe she had a tap dance recital immediately after.

How about Doria too? That poor designer that she was doing her makeup for. I couldn’t stop laughing. If someone who was doing my makeup was sweating, complaining and panting like that… I’d call 911. Clearly she’s having a heart attack. But good tv is good tv.

Moral of the Story: It’s a lot of work being a woman, but get the makeup right and keep the waxes personal.

Just a thought: Is Russel Simmons the only public figure with a lisp? I’m jealous he can do yoga better than me.

Show Off.

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