Bootlegs & Lysol Wipes

I did dinner and some shopping last night with Pauline and when I got home, Miah and I decided we’d put on a bootleg copy of Black Swan that one of our friends let us borrow. We heard it was weird but figured with the ballet scenes and stuff, it’d be easy enough to fall asleep to. Yeah, ok. 3am we are both up and the movie is over, sitting there frozen like someone zapped us with a 50,000 volt taser and sucked all the blood out of our bodies. I won’t spoil it for those of you who haven’t seen it, but WTF? It’s the type of movie you need to talk about afterwards, you know, after you sit there in silence for 3 solid minutes not blinking, feeling like you need a tetanus shot. Annnnd then I had a nightmare. So, thanks, Natalie Portman. Note to self, just stick to Dumb and Dumber for reliable pre-bedtime movies. Why can’t someone lend me a bootleg copy of Never Say Never for God’s sake?

Teen Mom 2

The past few episodes of this show really makes me wonder if Jenelle knows she’s being followed by a camera crew. I understand she’s 16 but I’m still confused. On her first date with Kiefer when they get ice cream that she makes him lick her melting cone several times -um, ew.. I mean I know you’ve swapped spit and most likely other bodily fluids prior to this excursion but I don’t know. Ice cream and popcorn are my babies. I hate to share most things in my life, but those two are top of the list. I would NEVER share an ice cream cone. Ice cream in a bowl with a spoon…maybe. Cone? No way. It’s just one of those things in my world that is right up there with a mama bird regurgitating what’s in her stomach for her baby. Like… I’m good…all set. And no lie, if I ever have kids and their cone is dripping on a hot summer day, it’s gonna drip if I don’t have a napkin. I’m not licking it and they can’t have a taste of mine. My flesh and blood or not, I’m not sharing my ice cream cone or saving yours. So when she met him yesterday and then made him lick her ice cream then smeared it on the picnic table (and like the sinner she is, wasted a perfectly good scoop as it fell to the ground), I wanted to smack her unshaped eyebrows off her face.

The hickeys, Kiefer’s arm bandages in the most recent episode, and her mom flipping about financial aid forms for no reason. This family needs indoor voices, necklaces that aren’t made of hemp, stress balls, Calgon and a therapy session.

Honestly, other than Chelsea’s boyfriend Adam’s sleeveless shirts which he’s hand cut into so deep that they look like high school wrestling unitards, I black out after I see Jenelle. Kalyn and Joe bore me and there isn’t anything to joke about with the twins situation. I feel bad Chelsea’s friend Morgan moved out because she’ll probably find out pretty soon that once a dick, always a dick… but she’s young, so baby or not, she hasn’t realized that yet. I hope she can eventually save her friendship, because she’s really mastered how to take advantage of that girl babysitting-wise. It’d be a shame to let that go. And it’s really too bad Adam ruins everything…. father/daughter relationships, friendships, perfectly good tshirts, etc.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion

I’ll make this quick.

I loved how cute Rihanna looked. Oh, I mean Kandi. She’s so cute.

Can you believe Kim is writing a book about how to land your own Big Pappa? WHAT? So, how to perfect the art of gold-digging, really? Didn’t you not land Big Pappa? You accidentally landed a 25 year old 5th round draft pick for the NFL by getting pregnant. Score! I think I’ll write a book about something I didn’t do too. I could write about dressing my Shih Tzu Henry up in costumes when I’m bored and how he loves me enough to just play dead and make his limbs go limp so they are easy to work with. OR I could write about how to go into CVS for only toothpaste and leave with press-on nails, a heating pad, tissue paper, socks, 2 chapsticks, pens, a hairbrush, a humidifier, a home wax kit, Crest white strips and never ever remember the toothpaste.  OR I could write about how to make a weekly meal plan and gym schedule and set your alarm every morning and then press snooze 95 times and completely miss the gym and breakfast all together. Well, wait, this is everything that I do do, so I need to write about stuff that I don’t do…What could it be? Suggestions? I mean the list is unlimited. I really don’t do much so the world is my oyster.

I’m not even going to talk about the race issue that was brought up and the whole consuming of canned foods because of a white household nonsense. I have to keep my blood pressure stable since I haven’t recovered from the Bieber episode of Glee this week. I’ve got the fever.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

How do I get RuPaul’s body? Seriously. This man has the best female body I’ve ever seen.

So the challenge was to basically do a news cast including a weather girl, gossip girl, an interviewer and two anchors for QNN News Station. I didn’t love this episode this much because it wasn’t as over the top as it usually is. I like my drag queens to be obnoxious. I did however love that Maria asked the guest celebrity, Kristin Cavalleri, if she was really a genetic woman. Big highlight. I’m not a fan.

In the end it was between Stacey and India in the Lip Sync for your Life. The song? Meeting in the Ladies Room. Wonderful choice for any gay lip sync-er and I thought they did a great job. Sadly, India had to Sashay, Away. I think Stacey should have gone but that was just me. In any event, Condragulations!

Jersey Shore

First off, the anonymous undies they found in the bathroom…. they pick them up with a stick because they don’t want to physically touch them. Then rest them for viewing on the community beanbag. Did anyone else notice that? From this point forward, whenever they show the beanbag or someone sitting on it, I’m going to shudder to myself. Although I’m sure none of them are concerned about herpes or crabs anymore, for what it’s worth, Lysol Wet Wipes are $4 a container, FYI.

I hate Ronnie. One whinebag goes home and now we get another one? Enough already! He’s flipping out that the girls moved Sammi’s stuff and says that the girls should only get involved if it involves them. Um, did you see what I saw last week? You involved every single person in the house. In fact, you both were physically restrained by all of your roommates.. but you must have forgot when your Xandrine trip bed throwing roid rage breakdown cloaked you in pure blindness and loss of cognizance. He felt weird that he was at Karma without Sam…. did you miss her or miss having something to be mad about in order to have someone to make up with? Snap out of it and stop clogging the toilet.

They made one of the main storylines of the episode Deena’s constipation. They kept talking about it and clearly it made her emotional about everything toward the end and Ronnie needed to console her by saying the most comforting thing that any girl would want to hear, ” We are picking on you because you are like the baby sister we never wanted.” So sweet. Such touch. But immediately after the show ended, my Facebook status was ‘So, wait, did Deena ever take a shit or what?’ I mean, I am not the least bit concerned about her bowel movements, but if you’re going to make it a major issue, I’m going to be curious. Hey MTV, in school your essays needed to have a conclusion. You fail.

American Idol

I’m pumped that Sideshow Bob (Brett is his name I think) made it through, Lauren Aliania, Scottie McCrevy and a few other of my fav’s got through. If the kid Jaycee who looks EXACTLY like little Chris Farley in Tommy Boy didn’t make it through I was going to lose it. I don’t think he’s going to win, but I think America will keep him around for a while. Or at the rate I vote when I watch this show, I’ll single handedly keep him around for a few weeks. You’re welcome. I’m proud of him – he’s totally turning around the stereotype for chubby male teenagers with yellowish teeth who sing… he’s going to get so much boy-band ass when he goes home. Good for you, kid. You deserve it.

Moral of the Story: Be careful what you do with ice cream cones and beanbag chairs. Germs spread quick.

Thought of the Day: Friday I’m in Puerto Rico and cruise bound… can’t wait! This will be me, minus the puppets.

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Human Code.

First off, Happy Valentine’s Day.  Whether you’re single or in a relationship, I hope you had a great day. My boyfriend decided to start the day off right… by bringing me breakfast in bed. It was a SlimFast shake. Although the message was clear as day, I thought it was hilarious. So no fights. No one is single and my diet starts tomorrow.

As for gifts, let’s start out with what he got me. He bought all of my meals today and they all included bacon. Key to my heart…literally. Makes me happy and is slowly clogging my arteries. I love it. Then I came home from work to these gorgeous long stemmed red roses. We got take out so we could watch the Beanpot, and after we eat – he gives me a Nordstrom box and when I open it, it’s a brand new square gold watch with diamond number markers. I was pumped! Right now, I’m wearing it next to my current gold watch, which he told me was very Tupac – East Coast/West Coast time.

Not planning on him getting me anything since we are going on a cruise in 2 weeks… he opens my little gift. Yes, the pictures are right. They are Mexican Thumb Wrestling Masks with a matching card. Although he totally trumped me this Valentine’s Day, I’ve now learned a lesson…. gifts like mine are not romantic. At least we were hysterically laughing as we thumb wrestled. He was “El Sancho” and I was “El Chupacabras”. I love him.

Not sure if you watched the Grammy’s last night, but I had a real issue with Rihanna. I certainly hope Drake isn’t married because she was one dry hump away from making it happen and getting preggers. I don’t know what is going on with her, but I’m sad about it. I felt so terrible for her with the whole Chris Brown thing but now she is singing songs (that are catchy as hell but still…) about liking s&m with chains and whips, gyrating on other rappers legs, wearing underwear with mirrors on them symbolic of ‘you could be here’, etc. Maybe she is trying to show the world that she is taking control back and maybe she’s not, but if I ever had a daughter, she wouldn’t be listening to Rihanna right now… just like Annie C banned me from Color me Bad when ‘I Wanna Sex You Up’ came out. It’s a wrong message, and I’m sad about it.

I know people have different definitions of what love is. Mine is thumb war. Miah’s is SlimFast. Rihanna’s is confusing. Whatever it is, whenever it comes – just wish that it’s healthy. Happy heart day to all of you.

Speaking of relationship health…

Jersey Shore

I realized as I watched this past week’s episode, I didn’t write about the previous week’s episode. WTF. SORRY! How could I not blog about Ronnie bleeding out of his ass! The fact that when the doctor is asking him questions in the office, the patient table is up against the wall and then when the show him getting checked out (which I was visualizing and dry heaving at the same time), they had to move the table out to fit the camera back there to zoom in on his facial expressions. Eww. “Hmm, so no pain around the rim at all?” Uggghhhh. In the end he chalked it up to controlling his drinking. Um, Ron Ron..control your steroid use. How about that? And people, if you didn’t buy it before, don’t buy Xenadrine now… you’re bowels are going to leak blood.

I loved Pauly and Mike in this episode. Pauly with the phone messages and the stage 5 clinger, Mike talking about waiting for Sammi who is straightening her hair whose hair is already straight. Sadly, in this episode if I was Deena’s mom, the second I heard her say ‘Face Down, Ass Up’ I’d call my cable company and take MTV out of my plan. Probably move to the mountains with goats and nature. Read books and pray. After the whole gym convo last week, as a parent, I’m sure I couldn’t take much more. If I found out another fun facts about my sweet cherub daughter, I’d probably have a stroke. Mercy! Uncle!

On to the most recent episode: I understand that Mike plays both sides when it comes to Ronnie and Sammi but I hate that Ronnie gets so upset about it. Dude, you’re on TV. You can get mad that he told her something, but she’s going to actually see it. You’re on TV!! Guy code? Not sure it applies when you sign up for a reality show. I liked that Mike was finally like ok yeah I’m sorry, but in a way I wish when Ron was saying to Mike, ‘what you did in Miami was wrong’, that Mike said hooking up with girls then boning your girlfriend is wrong too. Ah.. only in a perfect world.

I wonder if when I get in arguments I say such incredibly dumb things as they do. Ronnie literally said, very intensely to Sammi – “Be a Woman and Man Up.” WHAT? What does that even mean? I mean, I’m on East Coast AND West Coast time and I don’t get it. But then on the other hand, I wonder if in an argument that I’m indirectly involved in, do I say such witty yet insensitive things as they do. Like Pauly D “They’re talking about relationships and my sneakers are dirty.” YES.

No lie, I had a nightmare after I watched this episode that night. I had a dream that a roid rage psycho broke into a house that myself and a girlfriend were having a party in. All party-goers left and wouldn’t step in and both myself and my friend got stabbed. Thanks, Ronnie! You have put the fear not only about Xenadrine and anal bleeds into me, but also about your potential future as a serial killer. I just couldn’t believe that after telling her he was going to sleep with two girls in front of her and all these nasty things, he went as crazy as he did about her dancing with a kid. This will be the only time I ever say it, but I felt so bad for Sammi in this episode. I know that they are together now, but if that episode is any insight as to what the rest of your life is going to be like with him… uh, good luck with that.

I am so so blind. So blind. Driving down the street one day with my friend Pauline, I say, “Hey look! There’s Dale!”. Dale is a well known special needs adult white male in the neighborhood. She’s like, that’s not Dale. As we got closer to the bus stop, I saw that she was in fact, right. It wasn’t Dale. It was a black middle aged woman. I can’t see shit. So, when Ronnie went crazy and stomped on her glasses, I too, went crazy. I was flipping out on the TV to the point where Miah was like, stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit. I would go nuts if someone broke my glasses… not only are they ridiculously expensive, I’d be saying hi to Dale when it’s really my mother until I got my next prescription. Not cool.

When she went to talk to him and he said, I had the respect to not do it in front of your face – I was stunned. Such respect! Sammi, stay with him! He’s so caring! He only climbed in your bed after he didn’t do anything in front of your face. Apparently, Ron Ron was taught a whole different definition of the word than the rest of the universe. He’s such a dick and I’m not even in the relationship… like Pauly said – should I be stressed about someone else’s relationship? My blood pressure got a little higher every time he opened his mouth to her. You want to act like a dog, you can sleep outside like a dog? I can’t believe they are still together, because if my dad saw that on TV – blood would be spilled, restraining orders taken, shallow graves would be dug and parole officers alerted.

Quote of the night  from Situation… Guy code? What about human code? Exactly. I couldn’t have said it better myself. And I wonder if JWOW’s ex boyfriend showed human code after he saw this episode and she looked smoking hot in her leather getup for Roger…. Miah said he probably burned her house down.

Moral of the Story: Show human code and if all else fails, thumb wrestle it out.

Just a Thought: WTF. Fix your hair.

Save the Dates:

All About Aubrey 3/7

Housewives of Miami 2/22

Bethenney Ever After 2/28

Housewives of OC 3/6

Housewives of NY – was scheduled for 2/15 but rescheduled in a rumored effort to try to help the Miami season launch. Boo.

 

 

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From Earth to Uranus

I have a cold and when my sinuses are congested, my gums kill. I heard that your sinuses drain into your gums, so it makes sense. But I feel like I’m teething. I keep biting on my fingers, I look like the thumb sucker from My Strange Addiction these days. I’m gonna have to buy a package of pens and start chewing… if not, the legs of my dining room chairs, well, their days are numbered.

Tonight is my first rehearsal for the Flash Mob, I was wrong on the original date. I’m going with my friend Erica from high school and I’m super pumped. I hope there is a dance move where I can chew on a piece of furniture for gum pain relief. In celebration of this practice, I’m getting a Steak & Cheese for lunch. Gotta fluff up that second roll. No, I did a favor for my sister this morning and as a reward, she has food on the way. She knows me so well.

My Big Redneck Wedding

I don’t know if this is a repeat or not, but this episode is right up there with Allison the Huffer on Intervention in my Hall of Fame. If the bride’s favorite food wasn’t squirrel and wasn’t obsessed with road kill, we could be friends. She seemed like someone you would want in your group of friends. In any event, let’s go over the highlights, shall we?

1. He proposed to her as she was eating a PB&J sandwich.

2. The couple went into the woods to find squirrels to hunt and kill, so they could stuff them, dress them in their matching b&g camo attire  and naturally, use them as the cake toppers.

3. Empty Bud Light cans served as the tiers for the cake.

4. After driving around, they came across a dead armadillo with it’s guts all out on the road. Immediately they stopped and picked it up because it would look lovely on the aisle.

5. She shot her bouquet to the crowd of single ladies out of a potato gun.

6. Seats for the guests were haystacks.

7. The main entree for the event was grilled squirrel and cans of Bud heavies.

8. The bride wanted to have centerpieces that symbolized each of their personalities. So naturally, they went to the freezer to see which animals they had in there for stock that they could stuff and dress that would represent each of them. What’s in the freezer, you ask? ‘Coons, a bobcat, squirrels (obvi), ducks, etc… you know, what most people keep in their freezer.

9. The men wore camo button ups and the girls made their entrances on ATV’s.

10. The spoken theme for the wedding was “Camo and Taxidermy.”

11. Naturally, when it was the bride’s turn to read her vows, she pulled the paper they were written on out of her bra.

Basically, the best episode ever.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

The theme of this episode was Drag Queens in Outer Space. The ladies had to break into two teams and then act out the plays: “From Earth to Ur-anus” and “Return to Ur-anus”. This wasn’t my favorite episode, there wasn’t too much going on. Well, minus when Delta was talking about his friendship with one of the girls and he said, she knows everything, like how many cab drivers I’ve slept with. YES. Now, that’s friendship. In the end Phoenix was sent home and had to sashay away after a failed attempt at the Lip Sync for your Life to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance. The ladies got to use hand crafted breast plates for this challenge and Ru even gave it a plug…boobsforqueens.com. How about Boobs for Beth? What about me? WHAT ABOUT ME?? It’s not fair that these queens have better everything than I do. Makeup skills, outfits, heels, taxi connections and now boobs. Unfair.

Bad Girls Club

Luckily, after the Beanpot last night there was a rerun of BGC. This episode picked up where the kitchen fight with Ashley left off. I’ll just say this: security ruins everything. It could have been even better than it was if they didn’t have to send people in to break it up. I mean, I don’t condone violence, but if someone knocked Nikki unconscious, I wouldn’t hate it.

Nikki just really sucks. I know this is clear, but I don’t know how anyone can live in that house with her. She’s so annoying. Did you see her kissing that guy? Ewww… clearly that was her first kiss and she didn’t know what she was doing. And, “bro” you live in a house with a bunch of girls… can not ONE of them tell her that skin tight toga dresses aren’t meant for linebackers? I’m not making a fat joke, she’s literally a linebacker for a football team. God I can’t stand her! She hops around, trying to be annoying (nails it) – says Bro all the time, sticks her tongue out when she thinks she does something cool, wears sunglasses on top of her head and another pair on her eyes. EVERYONE KNOWS I HATE WHEN PEOPLE WEAR SUNGLASSES INDOORS. As I sit and type this, I feel my blood pressure rising. Then….THEN! She got GTL tattooed inside her lip. You are a loser.

The thing I don’t understand about reality shows these days is that a season wouldn’t be complete if they didn’t get a vacation. Um, aren’t you technically on a vacation? So of course, they sent these ladies in this episode to San Francisco. I don’t get it. But what was hilarious was that when they got there, Jessica was flipping out about how sweet the hotel was. Let me break it down… it was basically a Comfort Inn. She was like OMG this place is sick! Look, a security lock box! OMG air conditioning! Hmm.. I’m beginning to wonder how she made an audition video to get on this show if she hasn’t ever seen obvious things  before. Jess, have you ever seen a computer? Or a video camera? Do you even have cable? How did you hear about this show, anyway?

Then Nikki put a bump-it in the very front of her hair about 7 inches off the top. Everyone was like I’m not hanging out with you. She thought she looked good. Mind you she just got the GTL tattoo and was wearing a toga dress. She obviously thinks she is Snooki. I hate her even more. If she gets a Thug Life trucker hate, I’m going to get an address and find some Anthrax.

Moral of the Story: Don’t wear sunglasses indoors. It doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look like more of a loser.

Just a Thought: Only two people in the world should have mustaches. Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. That’s why I just became a fan of the page for Tom Selleck’s Mustache on FB.

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Open Bar.

Hi Everyone. Please accept my apologies in not posting in a week. I haven’t been feeling well along with being lazy and fat. I really need to get it together. I’m going on that cruise in a few weeks and for some reason all I want are burritos and potato skins. And because of my willpower and wanting to look semi-decent in a bathing suit, all I’ve let myself eat are burritos and potato skins. Pure willpower, people. I’ve actually noticed a second roll forming on my stomach… so, things are looking up.

Real Housewives of Atlanta

Did you guys hear that NeNe is going to be on Celebrity Apprentice? I could pee.

What did you think of Cynthia’s wedding? Dude, if you are paying for everything in the relationship, your mom is crying, your sister is crying, people are hiding your marriage license from the priest, and you’re a Free Candy van away from getting arrested for sitting alone like a crackhead in a children’s playground… you might just want to think about what you’re about to sign up for. But I guess relationships are about sacrifice… like how I’m watching the Beanpot right now and not Bad Girls Club. You gotta do what you gotta do when it comes to love. I did like her dress although I am not sure I could wear steel gray for my wedding dress – but I guess it went with the mood. The death of her freedom, death of dinosaurs, the soon to be death of Kroy Biermann’s reputation, dignity, life, pride, etc.

I know everyone has their preferences and stuff, but a true alcoholic isn’t picky about what they drink. I’m disappointed in you, Kim. Here I am thinking you really had a problem. Shame on me. You bring your own wine to a wedding?? Not only is that classless, but it’s OPEN BAR! I’d drink pure gasoline if you put it in a vodka bottle and told me it was open bar. Everyone finds something they like at an open bar. That’s how my liver and I discovered what Malibu was. C’mon Kim… you’ve let me down. Boo.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Part II

Ok so they didn’t show Jiggy and I didn’t delete anyone from Twitter. I was bluffing, so sue me.

Does anyone know if there are any millionaires in the area that I could tell my “falling-down-the-stairs-in-my-walker-and-breaking-my-nose” story to and then live with for a year expense free in my speedo (with my new double rolls – added bonus)? Let me know! Cedric is a loser. And way to blow the police report bit, Kyle. Jeesh!

Hey Taylor! Get a divorce. You’re husband is a donkey and you can pretend to be happy but everyone knows your not. That and there is no way on earth you could be attracted to him. He looks like a creepy beady eyed fat chihuahua with glasses and cuff links.

Kim didn’t want to talk about her drinking problem. Hellooo, it’s anonymous! She made a promise, get off her back. And did anyone notice that when Kyle gets upset, her voice changes and she sounds like Chewbacca? Can’t form a sentence or anything… and she wasn’t even at an open bar.

American Idol

How about the power couple, Nick and Jacqueline? When they were playing Luther Vandross through their story, I was thinking they were going to suck, but I was pleasantly surprised. I wonder if they’ll be allowed to be roommates when they go to Hollywood week… sinners.

“The Human Tornado.” He’s 59. Well, he thinks, he’s not sure. I’ve never seen anyone sweat so much. I mean he better keep his cool if he wants to be the next Batman movie star, so he says. I loved how J-Lo was like, “Is he still in the hallway, cause I’m gonna wait.” Why J-Lo? He’s more handsomest than a gee-raf.

Casey Abrahms who sang Ray Charles and Jenelle Arthur from Tennessee were bomb.com. I think they’ll make it far. I wish I knew Casey in college, he would have been the perfect addition to Elevator Band. You look at him and you think he’s going to suck but he’s kind of unbelievable.

Did you see the girl in the armadillo costume? When she got a no, she walked off the stage with her head down and said “I’ll just be an armadillo for the rest of my life.” Words to live by. I’m sure we’ll see her on My Strange Addiction pretty soon.

Speaking of….

My Strange Addiction

One girl was obsessed with cleaning and couldn’t smell bleach. Uh, good luck with that and your future inability to count to ten. Then there was a woman who was obsessed with collecting rocks. She had boxes of them all over her house and she would scrub the rocks so clean in the sink that her hands would bleed. I have 3 rocks in my house and they are in the glass bowl that my illegal tiny turtles from a backroom in Chinatown are in. The turtles climb on them and crap. So far, neither myself nor my pet turtles see what that lady sees about rocks.

Moral of the Story: Never not take complete, absolute, 100%, full advantage of an open bar because if you don’t… you might be the unfortunate parent of a Kim Zoliak baby. I’d rather have a hangover.

Thought of the Day: What happened to the original Orbit gum girl? This one sucks.

 

 

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Onions & SUV’s.

I want to be a part of a flash mob before I die, and judging by my cholesterol level, that’s probably pretty soon. So, I’ve been saying I want to do it but the Modern Family repeat last week reminded that I should look into it. Luckily, there is a Facebook fan page about a Boston Flash Mob! I don’t know the deets but I submitted my email to be on their info list and I’m pretty freakin’ excited about it. I love the idea of different kinds of people getting together and doing a choreographed dance for absolutely no reason… you know like in the final scene of Teen Witch. Although I’m sure there will be much less shoulder pads in the Boston one and the little person from Poltergeist probably won’t be there, but FINGERS CROSSED!  Who’s with me?! For those of you who aren’t…. I’ll remember that when you unleash your life goals to me one day through your blog. Boo. Here’s the FB link: Boston Flash Mob – first rehearsal is Feb. 13 at different times during the day.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion

I’ll just say this. Tonight’s Part 2 better be better than Part 1. No Allison DuBois? No Jiggy? What the hell was that? I mean there were a couple of good jabs and stuff but I was underwhelmed. A couple of things…

1. Andy Cohen, these housewives have cooks, housekeepers, assistants, nannies, pool boys. You don’t think they have someone who goes food shopping for them? Were you trying to prove a point when you asked them how much a gallon of milk was and no one knew? Of course they are out of touch with reality… this isn’t a revelation.

Yipee! We should start a club and get jackets!

2. I’m glad Adrienne came around and took the tinsel out of her hair because she is the one that is quite possibly the most down to earth even though she is the richest. I did however notice that there is a new imperfection to hone in on now that the tinsel is gone, and it’s actually one that I really respect. She has uneven nostrils! It made me love her even more because I do too! I’m sure it’s from picking my nose when I was little (or now), but whenever I ask my friend Pauline if I have a bat in the cave and lean my head back she has this evil grinch smirk on her face because to her, my snout is very entertaining. How cool though? I have something in common with a bazillionaire. Success? No. Prestige? No. Wealth? No. Abnormality/Deformity? YES.

3. Can we please get over Kim not speaking up in defense of Kyle in the Camille fight? Let it go people. It was an argument. She’s not the devil… just a psycho. You knew she was never confrontational to begin with… you think that’s gonna change because Frasier’s wife is crying about the word insecure? She’s not. And to be honest, do you want her even chiming in on your defense? It seems like whenever Kim opens her mouth, it’s dumb and she’s twitching. You think people take her seriously on this show and that she’ll be the voice of reason to put all of this bickering to rest? Absolutely not, she’d make it worse. Kyle she did you a favor!

That’s all. If on tonight’s reunion they really don’t show Jiggy wearing some kind of professional outfit, I’m deleting all of the housewives from my Twitter following list. BEWARE, LADIES.

Jersey Shore

First off, I hated Angelina, but in the opening credits, I kinda miss her bellowing, UM, HELLO at the very end.

Deena gets the hospitality award. I actually was impressed that she took Ryder around town while Snooki was looking for juiceheads to switch Jenni’s lock. But then again, Deena has no friends so a new, unassuming girl is like a gold bar to her.

Off topic, but I was very surprised that the JS people knew who Bjork was and referenced her. Impressive!  But back to business. Sammi’s the worst, huh? I almost peed when Ronnie said, “You want me to bring her over here, she’ll show you her c-section.” If that doesn’t prove a point, I don’t know what will. Imagine if she said, yes! God, I was secretly praying she would. I mean I’d look away if the lady did come over to show Sammi, because 1- I’m squeamish and 2- the thought of pregnancy makes me sick, but still. It’d be so JS if a tanned lady at a bar lifted her shirt to show a scar to prove she’s taken. Awesome.

At this time, I’d like to give a huge shout out to the MTV editing department. You guys all need a raise, and if you want me to write a strongly worded letter to the big guys in your defense, I totally will. Might not help, but what the hell. When Sammi punched Ronnie, then it was silent, then they started singing Happy Birthday to Ryder… well that was like dessert after a feast. How spoiled am I? I get a Bjork comment, a possible C-section viewing to prove a point, grenade whistle, and discussion about Deena’s “interests” and then beautiful editing all in one episode! MERRY CHRISTMAS! I gave a little kid $1 for the vending machine to get his system revved up on juice and a high-fructose corn syrupy snack…. God must have been paying attention to my good deed. You’re welcome.

I really wish Sammi went home in this episode, I was bummed when Ronnie let her back. I saw online the other day they really still are together. Whatever. Let them be miserable and get bed sores. I hope they have ugly kids.

Before I wrap up my thoughts on Jersey Shore… we can’t not talk about barber shop discussion. A couple of things…

1. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! GRRRRRROOOOSSSSSSSSS!!!! I’m not saying it is true or not, but one of Miah’s friends said that Barber Shop talk doesn’t lie, Deena does. So say it is true… DUDE, YOU’RE ON TV. You now need to have an internal bad decision blocker and limit what you say/do that could possibly look bad. I know there is some leeway when it comes to the Jersey Shore kids but yowzers, this is bad. In a sick way, I am sure that she probably got some new Facebook stalkers…. you know, like Davecat. Meow.

2. Deena was wearing a tshirt at the gym that said, “I’ve got an Italian attitude.” I really hope her grandmother bought that for her as a Christmas gift and that she didn’t pick that out for herself. I hate those people that have to tell you how they are so you think about them what they think about them. Like Katy Perry, she always says, I’m quirky. No, you’re trying too hard. If you have to tell someone how you are, you aren’t. I bet Deena’s got a Cambodian dad or something. That’s probably why the garage isn’t painted in Italian colors anymore. Way to blow it, newbie.

3. I love Jenni but a tube top at the gym? Really? …Really?

Jerseylicious

Did you guys watch the finale? They had New Jersey Fashion Week. (Silence)

Recap:

Tracey finds her soulmate in 10 minutes at a club a few days before the show… they have a mutual love of onions and SUV, formerly SVU.

I spotted Kim G. from Housewives of New Jersey taking a seat in the front row of the fashion show and got pumped that I recognized a reality star in a reality show that wasn’t theirs. Yeah, I’m a loser.

Olivia’s outfit looked like the New Jersey version of Janet Jackson in her Control video, but with shoulder pads, obvi.

Alexa looks like a chicken nugget who moves their hands too much. I can’t stand her.

Moral of the Story: Uneven nostrils are socially acceptable. Deena’s taste in what she does with men and choice of t-shirts are not.

Just a Thought: Today, while I was watching The Pregnancy Pact followed by the encore presentation of Craigslist Killer on Lifetime, they showed the commercial for the Amanda Knox story that will air on Feb 21! YESSSS! So happy Hayden can take time out from the dolphins to perform this tragic story for the masses. P.U.M.P.E.D.

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Davecat.

My Wednesday recap.

My Strange Addiction

I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve ever been addicted to anything that has been life altering in my whole existence. Believe it or not, I’m including television. I think the closest thing I could say would be J.Crew or online shopping in general. Speaking of, where is my Patagonia package I’m waiting for? (They are having a great sale, FYI). But I’ve always been fascinated by it. Several people close to me in life have/had addictive habits and because I never have – I am so intrigued about how it happens. I have never done a drug in my life, not even pot, so drug addiction, is something I really am interested in learning about- I love the show Intervention, I love reading books on that addiction in particular, because it all helps me understand the root of it.

With that said, Davecat’s obsession on this most recent episode, well, uh, that’s something I still can’t understand. Davecat is addicted to his Real Doll, Sidore. She’s silicon and they have wedding rings. I would love to have attended that ceremony, if it really happened. There would be no one to talk to, and the people who are actually alive, have a serious action figure collection. After a few drinks, I’d think this was awesome, I’m sure. Gays can’t get married in most places but people are allowed to marry inanimate objects? You win again corporate America! Engraved in the inside of their rings, it says, “Synthetic Love Lasts Forever.” I wish I could have seen my own face when he said that. I of course, had to watch this in the other room, because my boyfriend was having nothing to do with this. So I didn’t have anyone to share this joyous moment with. Bummer.

In this episode, Davecat and an enabling friend of his (with a pulse) went shopping for the wifey. Literally said, “going shopping for the Mrs.” I don’t think I blinked at all, actually now thinking back on it. They were DEAD SERIOUS PICKING OUT CLOTHES FOR A FAKE PERSON. Do you think she’ll like this? Is this a little too office? Well, she likes the office look. WHAT? It reminds me of one time when I was waitressing with my friend Court and she had this table that requested a high chair for the daughter’s teddy bear. Ok fine. Then when she went over and asked them for drinks, they all ordered and the little girl asked for a milk for the bear. She looked at the parents for consent, as they would have to spend money on this beverage that won’t be enjoyed by anyone, and they were ok with it. Not water, milk. So she comes back and is telling me about it and we get into this conversation about what would happen if she just flipped out on her. Like, your bear’s mouth doesn’t open. It can’t enjoy food. It doesn’t have a stomach and won’t digest anything you try to give it. Your bear is made of stuffing. It doesn’t have an appetite, feelings or a soul. In fact, your bear doesn’t even love you. We were crying we were laughing so hard, and in the end we didn’t tell her and the bear got the milk.

So they sent a therapist to his house and Davecat said he likes the synthetic option because he can’t deal with people’s inconsistencies, really. Ha! Then did a snicker afterward. Have you ever seen the SNL skit with Jimmy Fallon as the IT guy? I know for a fact, this guy is an IT guy who thinks he’s smarter than you. But even the therapist that came to his apartment, talked to him for a few minutes and then was basically answering the questions that he was asking, “So you resort to this because it doesn’t hurt anyone?” Davecat would say yes. You know he was doing that so he could get the f out of there…which naturally, 2 seconds later he was walking out the door. In my personal opinion, that therapist was like, I don’t even want to try. This guy makes me feel so uncomfortable, I need to get out of here STAT.

Here is the link for the SNL skit: http://www.hulu.com/watch/19050/saturday-night-live-nick-burns

The other addiction in this episode was about a girl who was obsessed with picking her scabs. I couldn’t watch it because it was making me sick, but in the end summary, she got a staff infection and had to postpone her wedding because she wanted to focus on curing her addiction. I’m be pissed if I were her husband. Yuck.

There was a BBC documentary on Davecat a few years ago that I had seen, so I’m posting it here, so you too, can experience the creepiness. Also, good news! My friend Melissa just messaged me that Davecat has a fanpage on FB (which I’m a fan of) and Sidore has a Twitter account. I’m following the shit out of her. You can too: http://twitter.com/leahtype

American Idol

I can’t believe that 15 year olds look like 20 year olds these days. When I was 15… I had a perm that was growing out, so it was like half straight on the top, then a frizzy mess toward the bottom. I had braces and wore sweatpants everyday. Clearly, a total catch.

Couple standouts to me:

Steven Tyler is insane.

J-Lo’s music note shirt. WTF.

Jerome, the kid who sang at Bar Mitzvah’s. He was really good but he moved too much for the song he was singing, Let’s get it On. Miah was like, why is he moving so much, he’s making me nervous.

The Green Bay Packer girl opera singer. WTF. Everyone knows I have Beiberfever…how dare you try to make a joke out of my little loverboy. I hate you and your stupid patriotic buttondown shirt.

Chris Medina… uh, unbelievable. Thanks for making me sob alone on the couch on a Wednesday night, brother. How incredible is this kid? I hope he makes it to the top 5 and I hope I get him in my Idol pool.

Moral of the Story: Synthetic love lasts forever… as does Beiberfever.

Thought of the Day: Remembering The Challenger and Christa McAuliffe. And the Punky Brewster episode where she was depressed about it.

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Sashay, Shante.

One of the few non-reality shows that I do watch is Glee. It’s been really annoying that it hasn’t been on in a while, but today I saw a commercial and US magazine posted pictures of the cast in makeup for when they do Thriller by Michael Jackson in the next episode, so I’m doing much better. It’s going to air immediately after the Superbowl on February 6 and they are singing Yeah Yeah Yeah’s too so I’m even more super-pumped. I get really excited when my favorite bands let Glee use their music.

This may seem a little deep for me, but this is more than just a show for me. I think this is the best show on television, in that it has a message in every episode that I hope kids are listening to. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be a teenager these days. I didn’t have Facebook or cell phones. We had pagers (remember writing, 4311 or hell upsidedown, or 80087355 as boobless?) and email came into play my junior year of high school, but barely used it.. but we thought growing up was hard. We got nothing on kids in school now. Kids these days have so many new ways for bullies to stress their dislike and I love that this show takes on topics that might stick out to someone who feels like no one else can relate. The Lady Gaga episode from Season 2 is by far my favorite episode of any show I’ve ever seen in my whole life. Yes I said it. More than the episode where Jessie takes the caffeine pills in Saved by the Bell. Sad, but true.

In that episode they address the use of the word ‘fag’. I grew up knowing a lot of gay people, I was a Women Studies major in college – which is more about being a humanist than a feminist, have LGBT friends through my major and in volunteer-work after college. That word does not sit well with me. I hope when they explained the meaning of what it stands for, that kids were listening to how damaging it can be.

I love that they chose Lady Gaga music-wise for that episode because she’s someone who is who she is but does what she does as an example that you too, should be who are, whoever/whatever that means because there ARE people who are just like you, whether you think so or not. If you think you don’t want to do something because you are afraid that it will be viewed negatively, her message is that, you can’t forget about the people who recognize it positively too. So, I’m goo-goo for Gaga and all that she stands for.

So back to the music: I saw the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s in a free concert at City Hall Plaza in 2006 and went from like to love really quickly. But now that they are allowing Glee to use their music, my love is infinite. I am probably wrong, but I take bands/artists songs being on Glee as a way of showing support of everything that this show is about. And I love it. Anything that can make my gays feel love, will feel love from me.

Speaking of gay!

RuPaul’s Drag Race

My sister, Kathy, actually turned me onto this show and man am I glad she did!  Second to giving me Burger King gift cards for Christmas last year, this is the best present she’s ever given me. If you haven’t seen this show in the past, the new season just started and you need to get with it. This episode they had to go into a thrift store and get stuff to win the Christmas Costume Challenge. Naturally, the queen who can’t stop crying thinking she’s going to fail is the one who wins. Condragulations! I felt bad for him/her, she was bigger and had to just buy draping fabric and not actual clothes. So God love her, she was hysterical. But I soon forgot about everything else when they started doing their makeup. I seriously need a drag queen to do my makeup or teach me how. They are so pretty. I don’t get it. What did they learn that I didn’t? Miah could not believe what RuPaul looked like as a man, since he’s only ever known him as a drag queen. They do look completely different, and actually, as a man Ru looks sickly anorexic but as a woman, he looks like a perfect 10. Putting actual females to shame. Damn you, RuPaul!

They had to settle the tie with the “Sing for your Life” lip sync. It got violent and in the end, Venus went home. Sashay away, Venus Delite.

Teen Mom 2

I’ll keep this quick. Chelsea’s dad is the man. He’s so nice to her and I love their relationship. I can’t wait til he finds out that she is back with Adam. Who by the way, did anyone notice… he has a barbed wire tattoo on his arm?? Maybe it takes 15 years for the word to work it’s way down to the South that those aren’t cool anymore, but hey Adam, those aren’t cool anymore. You have the same tattoo as Pamela Anderson. Macho.

Kailyn. WTF. I know you’re young but you didn’t think having a boyfriend while living in your ex-boyfriend’s house when you guys have been broken up for only 3 weeks would be a problem. You’re dumb. I know when you’re a mom, you do what you have to do for what your baby’s needs are, but is sitting on a public restroom floor indian style while changing your baby’s diaper nasty or am I just a germaphobe? Ewww.

So excited for Jenelle to have hickeys next week!

Moral of the Story: Be who you are, but just don’t have a barbed wire tattoo.

Just a Thought: Prince William and Kate sent Save the Date faxes. I’m obsessed.

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