Human Code.

First off, Happy Valentine’s Day.  Whether you’re single or in a relationship, I hope you had a great day. My boyfriend decided to start the day off right… by bringing me breakfast in bed. It was a SlimFast shake. Although the message was clear as day, I thought it was hilarious. So no fights. No one is single and my diet starts tomorrow.

As for gifts, let’s start out with what he got me. He bought all of my meals today and they all included bacon. Key to my heart…literally. Makes me happy and is slowly clogging my arteries. I love it. Then I came home from work to these gorgeous long stemmed red roses. We got take out so we could watch the Beanpot, and after we eat – he gives me a Nordstrom box and when I open it, it’s a brand new square gold watch with diamond number markers. I was pumped! Right now, I’m wearing it next to my current gold watch, which he told me was very Tupac – East Coast/West Coast time.

Not planning on him getting me anything since we are going on a cruise in 2 weeks… he opens my little gift. Yes, the pictures are right. They are Mexican Thumb Wrestling Masks with a matching card. Although he totally trumped me this Valentine’s Day, I’ve now learned a lesson…. gifts like mine are not romantic. At least we were hysterically laughing as we thumb wrestled. He was “El Sancho” and I was “El Chupacabras”. I love him.

Not sure if you watched the Grammy’s last night, but I had a real issue with Rihanna. I certainly hope Drake isn’t married because she was one dry hump away from making it happen and getting preggers. I don’t know what is going on with her, but I’m sad about it. I felt so terrible for her with the whole Chris Brown thing but now she is singing songs (that are catchy as hell but still…) about liking s&m with chains and whips, gyrating on other rappers legs, wearing underwear with mirrors on them symbolic of ‘you could be here’, etc. Maybe she is trying to show the world that she is taking control back and maybe she’s not, but if I ever had a daughter, she wouldn’t be listening to Rihanna right now… just like Annie C banned me from Color me Bad when ‘I Wanna Sex You Up’ came out. It’s a wrong message, and I’m sad about it.

I know people have different definitions of what love is. Mine is thumb war. Miah’s is SlimFast. Rihanna’s is confusing. Whatever it is, whenever it comes – just wish that it’s healthy. Happy heart day to all of you.

Speaking of relationship health…

Jersey Shore

I realized as I watched this past week’s episode, I didn’t write about the previous week’s episode. WTF. SORRY! How could I not blog about Ronnie bleeding out of his ass! The fact that when the doctor is asking him questions in the office, the patient table is up against the wall and then when the show him getting checked out (which I was visualizing and dry heaving at the same time), they had to move the table out to fit the camera back there to zoom in on his facial expressions. Eww. “Hmm, so no pain around the rim at all?” Uggghhhh. In the end he chalked it up to controlling his drinking. Um, Ron Ron..control your steroid use. How about that? And people, if you didn’t buy it before, don’t buy Xenadrine now… you’re bowels are going to leak blood.

I loved Pauly and Mike in this episode. Pauly with the phone messages and the stage 5 clinger, Mike talking about waiting for Sammi who is straightening her hair whose hair is already straight. Sadly, in this episode if I was Deena’s mom, the second I heard her say ‘Face Down, Ass Up’ I’d call my cable company and take MTV out of my plan. Probably move to the mountains with goats and nature. Read books and pray. After the whole gym convo last week, as a parent, I’m sure I couldn’t take much more. If I found out another fun facts about my sweet cherub daughter, I’d probably have a stroke. Mercy! Uncle!

On to the most recent episode: I understand that Mike plays both sides when it comes to Ronnie and Sammi but I hate that Ronnie gets so upset about it. Dude, you’re on TV. You can get mad that he told her something, but she’s going to actually see it. You’re on TV!! Guy code? Not sure it applies when you sign up for a reality show. I liked that Mike was finally like ok yeah I’m sorry, but in a way I wish when Ron was saying to Mike, ‘what you did in Miami was wrong’, that Mike said hooking up with girls then boning your girlfriend is wrong too. Ah.. only in a perfect world.

I wonder if when I get in arguments I say such incredibly dumb things as they do. Ronnie literally said, very intensely to Sammi – “Be a Woman and Man Up.” WHAT? What does that even mean? I mean, I’m on East Coast AND West Coast time and I don’t get it. But then on the other hand, I wonder if in an argument that I’m indirectly involved in, do I say such witty yet insensitive things as they do. Like Pauly D “They’re talking about relationships and my sneakers are dirty.” YES.

No lie, I had a nightmare after I watched this episode that night. I had a dream that a roid rage psycho broke into a house that myself and a girlfriend were having a party in. All party-goers left and wouldn’t step in and both myself and my friend got stabbed. Thanks, Ronnie! You have put the fear not only about Xenadrine and anal bleeds into me, but also about your potential future as a serial killer. I just couldn’t believe that after telling her he was going to sleep with two girls in front of her and all these nasty things, he went as crazy as he did about her dancing with a kid. This will be the only time I ever say it, but I felt so bad for Sammi in this episode. I know that they are together now, but if that episode is any insight as to what the rest of your life is going to be like with him… uh, good luck with that.

I am so so blind. So blind. Driving down the street one day with my friend Pauline, I say, “Hey look! There’s Dale!”. Dale is a well known special needs adult white male in the neighborhood. She’s like, that’s not Dale. As we got closer to the bus stop, I saw that she was in fact, right. It wasn’t Dale. It was a black middle aged woman. I can’t see shit. So, when Ronnie went crazy and stomped on her glasses, I too, went crazy. I was flipping out on the TV to the point where Miah was like, stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit. I would go nuts if someone broke my glasses… not only are they ridiculously expensive, I’d be saying hi to Dale when it’s really my mother until I got my next prescription. Not cool.

When she went to talk to him and he said, I had the respect to not do it in front of your face – I was stunned. Such respect! Sammi, stay with him! He’s so caring! He only climbed in your bed after he didn’t do anything in front of your face. Apparently, Ron Ron was taught a whole different definition of the word than the rest of the universe. He’s such a dick and I’m not even in the relationship… like Pauly said – should I be stressed about someone else’s relationship? My blood pressure got a little higher every time he opened his mouth to her. You want to act like a dog, you can sleep outside like a dog? I can’t believe they are still together, because if my dad saw that on TV – blood would be spilled, restraining orders taken, shallow graves would be dug and parole officers alerted.

Quote of the night  from Situation… Guy code? What about human code? Exactly. I couldn’t have said it better myself. And I wonder if JWOW’s ex boyfriend showed human code after he saw this episode and she looked smoking hot in her leather getup for Roger…. Miah said he probably burned her house down.

Moral of the Story: Show human code and if all else fails, thumb wrestle it out.

Just a Thought: WTF. Fix your hair.

Save the Dates:

All About Aubrey 3/7

Housewives of Miami 2/22

Bethenney Ever After 2/28

Housewives of OC 3/6

Housewives of NY – was scheduled for 2/15 but rescheduled in a rumored effort to try to help the Miami season launch. Boo.



2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Pauline said,

    HAHA I was watching Soup this morning and thought to myself…Beth is like the Joel McHale of blogs. 🙂 You are as blind as a bat fo shiz!

  2. 2

    Lauren said,

    Great blog Beth! It’s like listening to you talk 🙂

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