Open Bar.

Hi Everyone. Please accept my apologies in not posting in a week. I haven’t been feeling well along with being lazy and fat. I really need to get it together. I’m going on that cruise in a few weeks and for some reason all I want are burritos and potato skins. And because of my willpower and wanting to look semi-decent in a bathing suit, all I’ve let myself eat are burritos and potato skins. Pure willpower, people. I’ve actually noticed a second roll forming on my stomach… so, things are looking up.

Real Housewives of Atlanta

Did you guys hear that NeNe is going to be on Celebrity Apprentice? I could pee.

What did you think of Cynthia’s wedding? Dude, if you are paying for everything in the relationship, your mom is crying, your sister is crying, people are hiding your marriage license from the priest, and you’re a Free Candy van away from getting arrested for sitting alone like a crackhead in a children’s playground… you might just want to think about what you’re about to sign up for. But I guess relationships are about sacrifice… like how I’m watching the Beanpot right now and not Bad Girls Club. You gotta do what you gotta do when it comes to love. I did like her dress although I am not sure I could wear steel gray for my wedding dress – but I guess it went with the mood. The death of her freedom, death of dinosaurs, the soon to be death of Kroy Biermann’s reputation, dignity, life, pride, etc.

I know everyone has their preferences and stuff, but a true alcoholic isn’t picky about what they drink. I’m disappointed in you, Kim. Here I am thinking you really had a problem. Shame on me. You bring your own wine to a wedding?? Not only is that classless, but it’s OPEN BAR! I’d drink pure gasoline if you put it in a vodka bottle and told me it was open bar. Everyone finds something they like at an open bar. That’s how my liver and I discovered what Malibu was. C’mon Kim… you’ve let me down. Boo.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Part II

Ok so they didn’t show Jiggy and I didn’t delete anyone from Twitter. I was bluffing, so sue me.

Does anyone know if there are any millionaires in the area that I could tell my “falling-down-the-stairs-in-my-walker-and-breaking-my-nose” story to and then live with for a year expense free in my speedo (with my new double rolls – added bonus)? Let me know! Cedric is a loser. And way to blow the police report bit, Kyle. Jeesh!

Hey Taylor! Get a divorce. You’re husband is a donkey and you can pretend to be happy but everyone knows your not. That and there is no way on earth you could be attracted to him. He looks like a creepy beady eyed fat chihuahua with glasses and cuff links.

Kim didn’t want to talk about her drinking problem. Hellooo, it’s anonymous! She made a promise, get off her back. And did anyone notice that when Kyle gets upset, her voice changes and she sounds like Chewbacca? Can’t form a sentence or anything… and she wasn’t even at an open bar.

American Idol

How about the power couple, Nick and Jacqueline? When they were playing Luther Vandross through their story, I was thinking they were going to suck, but I was pleasantly surprised. I wonder if they’ll be allowed to be roommates when they go to Hollywood week… sinners.

“The Human Tornado.” He’s 59. Well, he thinks, he’s not sure. I’ve never seen anyone sweat so much. I mean he better keep his cool if he wants to be the next Batman movie star, so he says. I loved how J-Lo was like, “Is he still in the hallway, cause I’m gonna wait.” Why J-Lo? He’s more handsomest than a gee-raf.

Casey Abrahms who sang Ray Charles and Jenelle Arthur from Tennessee were bomb.com. I think they’ll make it far. I wish I knew Casey in college, he would have been the perfect addition to Elevator Band. You look at him and you think he’s going to suck but he’s kind of unbelievable.

Did you see the girl in the armadillo costume? When she got a no, she walked off the stage with her head down and said “I’ll just be an armadillo for the rest of my life.” Words to live by. I’m sure we’ll see her on My Strange Addiction pretty soon.

Speaking of….

My Strange Addiction

One girl was obsessed with cleaning and couldn’t smell bleach. Uh, good luck with that and your future inability to count to ten. Then there was a woman who was obsessed with collecting rocks. She had boxes of them all over her house and she would scrub the rocks so clean in the sink that her hands would bleed. I have 3 rocks in my house and they are in the glass bowl that my illegal tiny turtles from a backroom in Chinatown are in. The turtles climb on them and crap. So far, neither myself nor my pet turtles see what that lady sees about rocks.

Moral of the Story: Never not take complete, absolute, 100%, full advantage of an open bar because if you don’t… you might be the unfortunate parent of a Kim Zoliak baby. I’d rather have a hangover.

Thought of the Day: What happened to the original Orbit gum girl? This one sucks.

 

 

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