Ski School

The photographer wasn't up to par in my eyes, but I got a free comb.

I’m Beth. This is me. Well, the picture is from kindergarten, but to be honest, the only thing that has really changed since then are the bangs and the uni-brow. OK well, currently, the uni-brow is debatable.

What I’m thinking is usually written right on my face and now, it’ll be written here.  So here we go.

As we speak, I am sitting on the couch with a bag of frozen broccoli on the side of my head. I’ll explain in a minute. Let’s start at the beginning.

For the long weekend my boyfriend and I went up North toward Waterville, NH to go skiing with some friends. Well, they were all going to go skiing and I was planning on drinking alone by the fireplace in the lodge. I don’t ski and don’t ever plan to again. See, a couple of years ago, I was dating this kid who was a huge snowboarder. So while he went to Utah to snowboard with his family, I decided I was going to impress him and learn how to ski. I got one of my girlfriends who loved to ski and her husband to take me. I had full intentions to start off on the bunny slope, but she insisted that it was pretty simple and she could show me when I got to the top of the mountain. Not sure why that sounded like a good idea but that was, fo shizzle,  mistake #1.

Walking to the chair-lift was hard enough. By the time I got all my ski gear on, I was exhausted. But anyway, the second we stood up off the chair-lift, I fell so hard into my friend’s husband, I knocked both of the skis off his feet. Naturally, I had no idea how to get up so that of course, started a forced formed line of angry snow bunnies who couldn’t get around my cold lifeless body at the foot of the landing.

When I finally got dragged by my arms to the side by my friend and her husband to let the angry mob through, I managed to make my way to the top of the slope that definitely didn’t look as steep from the bottom. In any event, I started and couldn’t stop and had to throw my body to the side like a wet noodle to not endanger those around me. As I did that, I felt it. The tear in my knee.  Laughing it off but secretly wanting to die, I made the rest of my way down the mountain on my ass straight into the lodge to the Bud Light drafts. An MRI, a torn MCL and several physical therapy sessions later… that was my first and last experience skiing. And the boy I was trying to impress – we were done a month later.

Anyway, back to the present time… This Saturday morning, the entire house headed toward Cannon Mountain. My boyfriend Miah decided to keep me company in the lodge and not ski. We got a table in the bar and talked about how out of shape we both are over a plate of BBQ chicken fingers and waffle fries covered in cheese and gravy. That place was funny – I felt like I was in one of the greatest hangover movies known to man, “Ski School”. Don’t know it? 1- I’m disappointed in you, 2 – Here’s the clip.

The waiter was definitely that kid who got stuffed in a locker in high school and now needs to feel powerful in his role of manager of the CANNONBALL. There were neon ski suits EVERYWHERE and older men exposing their chest hair through the half-zipped-no-undershirt ski shirts. They had a band come in during the middle of the Bruins game (WTF), and I swear to God, the lead guy looked like he is supposed to be a magician instead.

Singer/Magician

As the band started to play 70’s hits, a makeshift dance floor broke out consisting of 3 women in the 45-60 year old age range. One of them is the doppelganger for the grandmother in the movie “Flowers in the Attic” but with worse 80’s hair, the other one I know I’ve seen on either Intervention or Cathouse (not sure which) and the third lady got completely dressed in snow gear and ski boots just to dance but didn’t ski once – we knew this by her perfectly coiffed hair.

Cathouse clan.

These ladies were grinding with a guy who had a visor on with a fake hair blow out attached. I took pictures of our friend Burch’s facial expressions. His face sums up everyone’s thoughts….

So yeah that was Saturday. Yesterday the party weekend continued thanks to MLK. Holla! To make it brief, several of us started off the afternoon with hard alcohol followed by beers and wine….leading to drunk sledding in the darkness. Sounds like a good idea, right? We took this idea pretty seriously, as our friend Meghan went around collecting the cardboard around the house, wrapping it in trash bags and making “The Beast”, the vessel that would carry us through winter wonderland. Our friend Paul even made homemade sled-shoes. See Exhibit A.

Exhibit A.

I usually stay clear of anything that would require me using muscles, but for some reason, after we went outside and borrowed our neighbors sleds, I couldn’t refuse. If you know me, you know I’m prone to injury, humiliation and loss of dignity on a regular basis. Not sure why I thought this night would be any different as I jumped belly down on the only plastic sled (others were foam), unfortunately got on a very smooth track, flew full speed down the huge hill, soared straight past the landing and straight into the trees on the other end of the property where I proceeded to go head first into a tree stump, splitting the side of my head open. Why not, right?

Luckily, there were two nurses at home. One said I needed at least 2 stitches, one who said Neosporin and ice. Since there was a fresh box of Franzia wine on the table inside, I opted for the Neosporin and ice.

Today I’m ok. Sore in my ear,  jaw and head, but actually more upset that I hit my head so hard, it took my Chloe earring right out of my ear to be lost in the brush. Boo. I am however, impressed that the only person on the trip who can’t ski was the only one injured. Who would have thought that homemade beer box sled shoes were safer than an actual sled?

Moral of the story: Winter sports are not for me. Box-o-wine is yummo, I don’t care what you say.

 

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4 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Kristin said,

    You can invite me to exclusively drink with you in the lodge anytime Beth! Sorry for your injuries, a little Ginger Bettys will help you get better in no time.

  2. 2

    Patty said,

    Very funny, Beth! Good times! You’re a great story teller. Love the photos…gave me a good chuckle.

  3. 3

    Amanda said,

    I’m crying right now!!! This is so true and accurate it was like it happened yesterday…I think from now on you shouldn’t try new things with me…First driving when I went face first into the windshield and then skiing….0 for 2 lol….

  4. 4

    Katie Reardon Warner said,

    I didn’t know you had a blog, but I had tears reading this. I have never been skiing, and fell that at my age what is the point, because I know I will only break something. Miss you and can’t wait to read more and laugh and cry at your hilarious stories.


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