Bananas!

You Go Boy!

Early December, I woke up super early to get the laptops set up and my credit cards ready because Sox Pax tickets (multiple tickets to multiple games) and NKOTBSB tickets were going on sale the same morning.Yes, I’m a loser…. but it worked! I got tickets for both. So on Opening Day against the Yankees, myself, Miah and our friends Mary & John met up for some day drinking and baseball. First the parking was insane, worse than usual, so we had to park further away and take a rickshaw to Landsdowne Street. Since I’m mature, I had to snap a pic of the pedaler’s bum.

Looks Good, Right?

Oh Wait. Not so much.

We were all excited to see the seats that I woke up early for, had 4 computers going for, am practically in debt for… oh and isn’t the view spectacular? Oh wait. You can’t see the batters box. I didn’t know who was swinging, if we had a catcher, what the call was, etc. I didn’t mind too, too much because Mary and I were too busy making friends with people around us and talking about Bravo tv. In any event…. just my luck.

Housewives of Orange County

Gretchen is such a bitch. I am no Slade fan but tubbawubba? Are you serious? I was actually proud of him that he said something to her about her constantly making fun of his weight. And typical girl, she turns it around and makes it like she’s upset. I’m not shitting on girls, I do it too..and I’m a girl. But if you’ve watched the show since the beginning, you know that he wore the pants in the relationship with Jo and would call her out on every little thing she did that he didn’t like. Now he’s with Gretchen, way out of his league and keeping them afloat financially, and he isn’t allowed to do anything without her approval. Oh how the tables have turned! But karma related or not, I don’t like it. I felt bad for him that she took him and her dogs, the ‘fat turds’ to the park to get some exercise. Imagine if he started commenting on the mole on her face? Oh God I wish he would. But like I said, she is way out of his league and he knows better.

This is slightly psychotic, but I can’t help it, there is a scene when she is leaving her house and by her door, there is a sunglasses rack. Like instead of a coat rack, she has a 50 sunglasses display case like you’d see at Lenscrafters. Laaahhhhuuuu-ssssaaaahhhheeeerrr.

Extreme Couponing

I saw a special on this over the winter time and was shocked that this could be done. I mean, my friend Pauline can go into CVS and get $30 worth of stuff for like $8 but I didn’t know it was humanly possible for someone to walk into a grocery store and get hundreds of dollars worth of food for like two bucks… baffles me. Of course, after I saw this, I put on my new years resolution list to use coupons more. One of the 15 resolutions I haven’t even tried to uphold. I just like making lists.

So I came to the conclusion that this is a full time job. These people subscribe to websites for a fee for coupons to be mailed to them, they dumpster dive looking for coupons people threw away, they have excel lists keeping track of what they have in their bomb shelters and what they might need, etc. I’m sorry, if we get hit with a nuclear bomb – although your basement might be able to feed you for 50 plus years, you’ll be dead, it won’t matter. Your stock pile full of 300 tubes of toothpaste, 100 bottles of teriyaki sauce and 60 cans of stewed tomatoes, isn’t going to save you. (Unless your name is Bear from Man vs. Wild – who can start a fire using water and ice).

In one of the more recent episodes, as well as in the special I saw in the winter, there was a guy named Ethan. Some of his greatest accomplishments included 1100 boxes of cereal for $150 (a $4000 value) and 700 bottles of body wash – I don’t remember the deal on that one. His long fingernails had me sidetracked. I don’t trust men with weird hands or long fingernails. DO NOT TRUST ETHAN. His stockpile was ridiculous – although he did help with care packages for soldiers…. what do you really need with all of that other stuff? I have a hard enough time fitting all my shoes in my closet, where the hell would I store a 1 ton crate of Grape Nuts cereal? Not to mention Ethan drives a Prius with a trailer hitch on the back. LOL I swear to God, if I saw him on the highway I would run him right off the road. BUT…. the two faced person I am – I would love to be friends with him – you know, in the off chance that I go broke and hungry or if his stock pile really does pan out in a nuclear war. I could probably just clip coupons and stalk stores for sales myself, but I’m busy. I’m watching TV and eating Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I can only do so much.

Hoarding – Buried Alive

I usually don’t write about these shows because they are sensitive and these people really do have problems, but I HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT Kelain and her boyfriend Kevin. I won’t go into too much detail except to say this: she collects hats, frog statues, stuffed penguins, giraffes and koala bears and …. you ready? BANANAS! Rotting, black, bananas. She puts the banana peels on the ceiling fan like a mobile for a baby. She collects these things because they love her and she loves them. Here’s her pic. God love her.

Moral of the Story: Ethan should get Kelain some bananas with a few of his coupons. Maybe Slade too.

Just a Thought: Scream 4? Just when I thought I’d never have to see Neve Campbell ever again.

Comments (1) »

Gary’s Teeth

I’m sorry! I’m Sorry! It’s been a busy few weeks with Red Sox back in season, Bruins and Celtics in the playoffs and almost complete loss over the control of the television. ALMOST.

Real Housewives of Miami Reunion

Thank God it’s over.

Real Housewives of New York

So I liked Alex a lot last year but now that Bethenny is off this show, clearly Alex sees the void of the mouthy one and feels like she needs to fill it. I’ll just say this – if I looked like a white gaunt skeletal Gumby with receding teeth and had a husband who had beady eyes and skin like an iguana, I wouldn’t be mouthing off to anyone…I’d be to afraid of the type of insult I might get back. Could do permanent damage. But I guess what do I really know… she’s a model now after all. She wouldn’t drop Jill knowing/not-knowing about her going to the wedding and then Jill possibly not making it to the marriage equality march even though she was on the committee. Deep breaths, Alex – these things don’t have an everlasting impact on your life.

Speaking of the marriage equality march… I love Sonja, but holy schnikes! I think LuAnn summed it up best when she said Alex and Simon didn’t have the best timing in approaching her right before she took the stage as the grand marshal, but Sonja needed to know it wasn’t about Sonja. Who cares if Simon said a few words to the crowd? No one would listen to him anyway…so what’s the harm? And then Sonja confused marriage equality with gay rights. Up there on the podium she reminded me of like a drunk aunt who gets away with the things she says because she giggles. Or me when my nieces start turning 18…. I’m basically  there with my 16 year old niece. Such a role model.

Now I’d like to do a photo montage of the cast of HWNY and their hideous wardrobe choices (reminder, we are only 2 episodes in… it can only get worse – EEK!  I’m so excited!)

Simon: I get it. It’s rainbow in honor of the gays. But because it’s you and you probably have had that in your closet for years and didn’t buy it for this march AND you added a tropical 80′s cumberbund… Shame on you.

Jill: I certainly hope you all watch Watch What Happens Live on Sundays and Thursdays, because it might just be a thousand times more entertaining than any of the shows on Bravo. In any event, Ramona and Jill were on last week and HOLY MIDLIFE CRISIS BATMAN! Jill apparently dropped her trademark bangs and red hair to be a Madonna impersonator. 1 – nice rhinestoned cuffed pleather leggings 2- No one should wear a top that has more trim than a Victorian house on the English countryside 3 – You’re too old for a hair extension ponytail 4 – when you stand up, you need to get your camel toe out of my face.

Ginger: Komono in honor of the latest earthquake in Japan on WWHL? Since when do you start wearing clothes? Oh since my man Giggy on HWBH does? And I noticed you’ve got a Twitter too. Get off Giggy’s nuts. I will not follow you. (Yes, I’m fully aware I brought a dog into this.)

Sonja: Lose the bows. You’re almost 50 (even if you look 20).

Alex: Where do I begin? Holy crap – the S&M outfit to go to an art unveiling. Really? Really?

I can’t crap on her taste completely… we both have an Aidan Mattox dress that I wore to my boyfriend’s sister’s wedding last summer. Check us out!

Me.

Her

Mob Wives

WHAT. How do their families not forbid them from doing this? And how aren’t they all in hiding after they started talking about not “waiting” while their men are in prison? I’m not going to lie but I’m actually afraid to state my opinion on this show because I don’t know who is going to knock on my door and break my knees. I mean, God knows I’ll be home watching TV. And I’d probably have a leg cramp from sitting so long that I’d just surrender.. let them beat me with a crowbar. So I’ll just keep it as this: I didn’t love it but I’m going to continue to watch it in respect of my Jersey love (let’s face it, it’s the female cast of JS, just as grown-ups), absolute and utter fear for my life, and I’d never look away from a potentially good cat fight or even a dead body. Oh the possibilities!

Audrina

WTF. Her mom needs to go to an AA meeting- STAT. I understand how they are trying to market this show – that her family keeps her grounded- but still don’t see the point of it. From the looks of it, I don’t see what stableness she could possibly be attaining… let’s recap- Her mom needs solitary confinement, I’m shocked her sister with the tats doesn’t just walk around spraying people in the face with mace with how defensive she is, her brother is a mooch and her dad and other sister only smile. Actually, I’d need them around too to make myself feel normal too. But like with Mob Wives, I’ll continue watching because if I even have a slight chance of seeing Speidi… I’m there. You know me, I love trainwrecks and mental breakdowns of any sort, so naturally Heidi and her surgeries have me missing her like crazy.

Celebrity Apprentice

Gary Busey got kicked off! OMG! I only watch this show because NeNe Leakes from Housewives of Atlanta is on it and now I’m hooked. Every week you think Gary is going to get kicked off because he doesn’t form solid sentences, doesn’t make sense, can’t work with a team, forgets what he says, forgets what the task is… but no, every week Trump saves him and sends someone else who is a thousand times more competent than him home. I was completely convinced that Gary could do naked snow angels on Trump’s desk and then shoot puppies right between the eyes in a line-up and still not get fired. But alas, I was wrong.

I don’t understand how everyone on the woman’s team could hate LaToya Jackson. The lady grew up with Michael Jackson, people! Blood relative! I think she’s actually good on the team, but whatever…. if anyone should be getting away with Gary Busey’s actions, it should be LaToya Jackson. Then you can just chalk it up to being a Jackson, for crying out loud. But she doesn’t do that, they just don’t like her. I don’t like them (except NeNe)! So there.

On a side note… his [Gary] teeth are ridic. I wouldn’t be able to look at him if he were talking straight to me. Does he floss? Do you tell him if he had food in his teeth or do you think he’d just know because they are so huge? Can you imagine the impression on a WonderBread sandwich he would have with just a bite? Holy crap.

Moral of the Story: Watch what you wear, watch what you say because you never know when Gary Busey or a Mob Wife will come looking for you.

Just a Thought: I’m currently obsessed with Hugh’s uni-brow on Top Chef Masters. Are you?

Leave a comment »

Babies and Boobs.

Real Housewives of Orange County

Apparently boobies were the theme for this episode. Between Peggy getting her crooked right bomb reassessed (and her husband asking to keep the old implants to juggle with (WTFFFFFF), to Gretchen’s orange slices t-shirt, to Tamra’s topless photo-shoot blazing her implant scars and making me want to puke all over my remote control…. you couldn’t escape it! To the left, BOOBS! To the right, BOOBS! Everywhere you look, BOOBS! I will admit Gretchen looked adorable, even though she’s on my shit list for being annoying, with her little bow in her hair and all that, but the t-shirt, really?? Her shirt reminds me of something that is on my pet peeve list.  A list which is very very lengthy and includes attention demanding clothes such as the pants that have writing on the butt. I hate those PINK pants or CHEER shorts that seem to be the rage among prepubescent girls and teenagers…. like hi, please look at my butt. I don’t care how old you are, if you’re a sex offender or not, but I want you to read what is written on my ass and as a direct result – assess my whole body inappropriately. It’s a badddd idea and if I have kids (good luck to them), whether those pants are in or not, they will never own them. My poor non-existing kids already have so many limits on them, that when they do actually exist there is a 98% chance that they will be at the peanut allergy table at school with no one to talk to. I personally won’t wear those pants or shorts not because I don’t want anyone looking at my butt, but because I don’t have a butt. My message would get lost in translation as I can’t fill out a pair of pants to save my life. I’m your worst nightmare if we have to squish in a crowded car and I end up sitting on your lap. My back basically goes straight into my thighs without so much as a bump. Luckily my muffin top evens me out.

How did you guys feel about Gretchen using her diamond ring from her first marriage to make a new ring for her mom? I don’t think I like it. I just feel like that diamond has no meaning to her mom. It’s a nice gesture and I don’t know anyone who would refuse it, but still. I’m iffy. Slade is right up there with Ronnie from JS for me. Talking to Gretchen’s dad, who admittedly isn’t a huge fan of him, saying, ‘dude, dude!’ My dad would give him an award winning blank stare and awkward silence. But to be honest, Gretchen and Slade deserve each other. They both mooch and make you want to punch babies. Gretchen summed up her whole existence and what everyone knows to be true about her when Alexis said that she was treating the girls to botox (where was my invite, biatch?) and Gretchen said ‘if I had known you were going to do this, I wouldn’t have gotten it a few months ago…where else could I get it?’ Ewww. Way to take advantage of someone’s kindness, you mooch.

I felt bad for Tamra when she was moving and came across her wedding stuff in front of Eddie. That’s never easy. Even if you’ve moved on, coming across something that suddenly makes unexpected memories to rush back to you like that is tough. Maybe that’s why she completely ripped Fernanda’s face off for using the word ‘disappointed’ in regards to missing her Citizenship Party, whether Fernanda is a Stage 5 clinger or not…. I was like YIKES!

All About Aubrey

Good Morning! Boom out of the gate, within the first 30 seconds, Aubrey has pretty much created a patent for talking vibrators with potential celebrity endorsements. HELLLLLOOO. I just made a nice hot cup of decaf Tazo Calm tea and got into bed to watch one of my top 5 favorite trainwrecks before bed and WELL HELLO.  Should have been a shot of tequilla for Christ’s sake.

So in this episode, we find out that not only is Aubrey a Beiber fan, she loves the Celtics! Moving up on my favorite list quite rapidly. Then, THEN! She wears buttpads! I think I need to invest! She goes out with a guy who is the dead ringer for Candyman, the movie that when I was little used to make me wet my pants pre-bladder issues. I still can’t watch that movie without company. The only real difference between Candyman and his lookalike Sean is that Sean uses the word C-U-Next-Tuesday in referring to someone’s mother…. I do say only difference because I’m convinced Sean is most likely a serial killer as well. No one say Candyman 5 times in a mirror. Just.don’t.do.it.

The only difference between this show and Making the Band is the band and Puff Daddy/PDiddy/DiddyDirtyMoney. It’s all the same people helping her – Johnny Wright, her voice coach who looks like Rafiki from Lion King and now instead of Diddy, she’s got Russell Simmons as her guide. I wonder how Puff feels about this show and about Russell Simmons helping her out? In upbeat news, Aundrea from Danity Kane is going to be on the finale next week! Yippee!

Pregnant in Heels

So I kept seeing the trailer for this and wasn’t really interested because as most people know – pregnant bellies make me nauseous. Knowing that behind that shield of skin is a living creature with eyeballs, fingernails and hair that is due to come out of …. ok I’m gonna puke. Seriously. My sister had twins, who I love to death, but one day while sitting on the couch, she said Beth look! I looked and two little foot imprints were showing through stomach. Most people would think that was sweet, I on the other hand wanted to vomit. I felt like she was 10 seconds away from reenacting the scene in Spaceballs when the alien pops out of the guys belly in the diner with a top hat and a cane singing ‘Hello my baby, hello my honey…’ Then a few weeks later, the two little babies were sitting side by side in matching carseats, in little pink clothes with little pink hats and my sisters stomach was back to normal. Like WHAT? Those two things that blink, were just both in your stomach. They blink! They have fingernails! They have hair! All things that are meant for the exterior growing on the INTERIOR. I need a stork. Don’t even get me started on the belly button/umbilical cord situation. Oh God. I’m sweating. I don’t even like having gas, I can’t imagine what I’ll feel like with a baby in the oven floating around doing the backstroke in there. Waah. On a positive note, I would be able to eat cheeseburger subs in mass quantities because I’m eating for two! Must not be that bad…

Here’s the clip of the Spaceballs scene…. Check please!

But anyway, I was watching Bethenny last night and Pregnant in Heels came on right after. I watched it and I AM HOOKED! I love Rosie Pope, Maternity Concierge and how she handles situations. I thought I was crazy, but she deals with some winners! Her job is basically to do whatever expecting parents want her to do in preparation for the birth. In this episode, she dealt with two moms, Sarah and Samantha. With only 4 weeks til delivery, Sarah barely acknowledged she was pregnant. She considered the baby in her belly as a life force sucking parasite and basically put aesthetics before the needs of the baby. I love Rosie and how she doesn’t react expression wise but tells it like it is. I was cringing for her for a minute there when she brought a therapist into Sarah’s house to help them understand why they weren’t preparing for the baby. They were so insulted and it looked like she was going to get crucified but in the end they loved it and little baby boy Fox soon became the center of their universe….exactly the opposite of what they wanted.

Now, let’s talk about Samantha! What a pssssyyyycccchhhoooo!!!! Basically this mom is on her 3rd child and is big into branding. So as she tries to create a branding for her family, she believes it starts with a first impression, which is your name. So she didn’t think that her first two kids names were strong enough, Ella & Ruby, and so she enlists the help of Rosie to help her come up with a marquee name. This is what they do: Rosie has to round up a group of experts to create a think tank of names. They have a poet, a linguistics specialist, a baby blogger, etc. They all come up with a group of names but with guidelines from Samantha of course. This name can not have a j, an e, an r. It must be easy to spell, and can not be decorative. From there, the final names go to a focus group, where Rosie and the parents will watch in a two way mirrored room. This group of people that made up the focus group were some very powerful people in NYC and as parents striving to obtain a successful and powerful brand for their child, these are the people’s opinions they really wanted. Naturally, as control freaks, any time a name that they liked was unliked by someone in the group, Samantha and her husband considered them uneducated and out of tune. So from the focus group, they took the top 3 names to a dinner among friends for some valued feedback. Naturally, when the baby is born, they pick the name that no one wanted and that didn’t even make it to the top 3 list for the friends dinner….so all those groups and efforts were for nothing. Baby Bowen Asher will one day be his own brand….. I’ll keep my eyes peeled.

Moral of the Story: Everyone put your boobs away and watch Pregnant in Heels on again tonight! Tweet #RosiePopeforPresident. It’s trending!

Just a Thought: I think I found something that parallels Keyboard Cat… almost. But it really makes me laugh. I know I’m 3 years behind. So sue me. Dramatic Chipmunk!!

 

Comments (8) »

Free Jenelle

As I get older, I can’t hang like I used to. I went to see Rod Stewart and Stevie Nicks on Wednesday – had a couple of drinks and was lucky I could tie my shoes the next day. Is this what it is from here on out? Am I an old lady? I used to be a rockstar. Snooki Waaaaah. I seriously could drink all night, everything and anything I wanted, not sleep and go straight to work without so much as a headache and do it all over again the next night. Now, if I have plans on a Saturday and someone asks me to do something on a Thursday- I’m like, jeez, I really don’t know. But when it comes to going to concerts of people who are light years older than me, I’m all about it and then I blog about it on weekend nights. The rate I’m going, for my 30th birthday this summer, all my girlfriends and I will go out for coffee, take a nap and then a pottery painting class or something. As I type this all out, I realize, I’m the Webster’s definition of a loser. Woe is me.

Housewives of Orange County

Anyone else think that fame got to Gretchen? I mean I guess I can’t see why for any of these reality stars, why it wouldn’t – but slow down girl. She’s very abrasive this year. I liked her much better when she was dating a 95 year old man. I’m getting tired of Slade, her cackle, wearing a bikini top as a t-shirt, the zit-mole on her cheek and the confessional of her looking like she’s on the show Designing Women with her fushia flower shirt and her curly pony tail to the side. She’s really annoying me lately.  But it all makes sense when they show her dad in the latest episode…. ewww. They go out to lunch and the waitress, who can’t be more than 19 years old, introduces herself as Sam. His reply? As in like, with an S and an M? YUCK. Get the pepper spray, Sam! Now I know where Gretchen gets it from.

At last years reunion Alexis and Jim talked about how he was unhappy with how controlling he appeared to be and how it isn’t really like that. Thank God they cleared the air because I’m not sure how I would’ve taken the threat he gave her about not letting her new dress line interfere with her responsibility to him and to the kids if they hadn’t done that. She said that he fronted the money but the second it took the time she’s supposed to focus on her family away, he’s pulling the money out and the dress line away from her. Way to make her dreams happen, Jim.. And wait. Wait. The dress line is for women like her to do the errands they run, to the mall, grocery store, etc. I don’t know about you – but we here in New England get Ugg slippers and pass them off as cute loafers and wear them with our sweatpants and run errands. That’s about as fancy as our errands get. I hope she has one hell of a marketing director for the East Coast.

Vicky and Tamra go to Cabo in this episode because the fights with Simon last season didn’t seem to help anyone’s relationship. For a second there, I thought I was watching Housewives of Atlanta when Vicky asked Tamra to write friendship vows and read them to her on the beach the next day. This is like the friendship contract for NeNe and Cynthia. Naturally, Tamra didn’t do it because that 40 something year old was too busy during the day having people do body shots off her stomach. Hey, guys. I know you’ve had a shit ton of plastic surgery but you aren’t on MTV Spring Break. Knock it off. You’re almost 50. Well, I mean, I guess good for them, being older and doing all that – but my only two goals when I’m that age is to find at least one pair of button and zip fly pants that fit me and to have all of my own teeth. Only time will tell.

Bethenny Ever After

Speaking of 40 year olds, Bethenny in this episode is about to turn 40. Instead of doing body shots in a bikini on a pool bar in Mexico, she goes out with her girlfriends, gets going on planning a party and agrees to take on the show ‘Skating with the Stars’.  Go big or go home, huh? The best part of the whole episode was when she goes to the skate shop to get fitted for skates and check out outfits and a little 10 year old Scott Hamilton Jr. know-it-all was in there giving her pointers and basically belittling her current skating abilities. He’s asking if she can skate on one foot, she says I can do that, is that impressive to people? He says Oh yes with a ‘tude like how pathetic and sad she is.  I loved it – he’s a snobby 50 year old trapped in a 10 year old male figure skating body. What’s not to love? Later on in the episode, she meets her ice husband, Ethan. As it turns out, Ethan has a famous crotch as he was the body double for Jon Heder in Blades of Glory. Go ice husband!

Teen Mom 2 Finale

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s what everyone has hoped for since the very first episode and the highlight of the MTV Teen Mom series. Jenelle gets arrested!! Woo hoo!  Our favorite little life-mess gets thrown in the slammer for breaking & entering and possession of marijuana. When I heard breaking & entering, I lit up like a Christmas tree… that was way more than I was expecting! She never ceases to amaze me. The best part was when she called her mom and it was so casual. Hey I’m in jail? What are you doing in there? She might as well’ve been running errands with Alexis from HWoOC. When she gets home and gets to talking with her mom about her behavior, her mom starts crying and Jenelle, who I am 100% convinced is completely heartless, is like Ok, sorry mom. I’m surprised her mother hasn’t been hospitalized yet – either from the stress of her daughter or the pitch of her own voice causing her a massive brain aneurysm…. and all Jenelle can say is basically, my bad. Is it too late to put her up for adoption? And she got Keifer out of jail. Shocker. Seriously, adoption?

How about that wedding of Leah & Corey?? I got so excited when I saw the camo vests and lime green ties on the ushers and then the bridesmaids carrying the electric candles down the aisle! Made me realize that I haven’t blogged about Big Redneck Wedding in a while – or even better, the spinoff, Big Redneck Baby. I’ll put it on my to-do list. In all honesty, they are so cute, their whole little family, even if they are hillbilly-ish. My favorite rednecks, by far. I would bet that they’ll get their own spinoff eventually, what do you guys think?

Jersey Shore Reunion

This is short and sweet, so bullet points are in order.

1 – Did Jwow get botox?? Her face looked tight and shiney. Oh c’mon. Head out of the gutter, people.

2 – Glad Deena got to clarify that behind that hot mess is a genuine good person and for the record she’d like to clear the air about the barber shop rumor. Go girl!

3- If you don’t already know, I really hate Ronnie. He’s annoying in the reunion – trying to be smug, I hate his cocky-want-to-punch-it-off-his-face smirk he so arrogantly wears, how he bites his nails and claps obnoxiously. He’s trying to be a prick on tv… like it’s attractive or something. I hate him.

4 – Could the host make any more uncomfortable transition statements? Oh my God, right before every commercial it was a line like, “come right back even if it’s GTL time!” or “now take the chicken tortellini out of the oven and come right back!” or after talking about Mike’s strange relationship with Jenni’s dogs, it was “don’t go anywhere even if you have to whisper to your dog.” WHAT? Ok we get it.

5- I really can’t wait for Italy!

Moral of the Story: Friendship contracts are out. Camo is in.

Just a Thought: Secretly love that Charlie Sheen bombed in Detroit this weekend. He hasn’t tweeted since before the show. Winning? Eh, notsomuch. I watched most of the show on youtube today. Thank god I saved my would-be ticket money for wine.

Comments (2) »

Trainwreck.

I really love trainwrecks. It’s sad, but I really can’t get enough. I loved the Britney meltdown, the Mariah hospitalization, Winona Ryder losing it, the Mel Gibson fiasco, the Tom Cruise insanity, Whitney Houston snapping, LiLo’s stuper and liked the Charlie Sheen thing for a minute but he’s currently overboard. A little too trainwrecked for my taste.. I considered for a second about buying a ticket to his tour, but I don’t want to feed anyone’s drug habit, so I’ll stay home with a bottle of wine and online shopping and feed my own habit thankyouverymuch. Hey, I just noticed that all of the above ‘situations’ would make really great band names. I hope that one day when I lose it, which is definitely going to happen (and probably soon), someone forever memorializes my unfortunate state of affairs with a rock band. Bethie goes Bonkers. Catchy. Knowing me and how I flip when I’m hungry or tired or when a child is in my presence….when I do have that breakdown, it’s going to be epic. You guys should probably start practicing for the finale anthem now.

Speaking of trainwrecks….

Teen Mom 2

Jenelle. Oh Jenelle. My favorite little life mess. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1- You make me completely forget that there are other teen moms on the show with you. Corey and Leah’s wedding? Who cares! Adam moved out of Chelsea’s apartment and only left his toolbox and blazer? A clear goldmine of comments, but….so what! Kailyn and Joe hate each other again? Boo Hoo! I mean, Leah’s bachelorette was at her MOTHER’S house where they were putting condoms on bananas and talking about vibrators and instead of being absolutely horrified and holding back puke – I was mentally half there all because I was chomping at the bit for them to show Jenelle and her hemp necklace again.

2 – There is nothing sweeter than baby Ali and her little Mr. Potato Head glasses and the way Corey and Leah are with her…. but I want Jenelle and her mother’s nails-on-a-blackboard-sounds-the-same-talking-as-it-does-yelling voice screeching at her as much as I can possibly get it. Nothing else. I’ll keep the rest of the cast in my prayers, but I feel like Charlie Sheen here. I NEED my Jenelle fix.

3- She knows her mom already hates her, so the next logical thing to do to get her approval in life is to steal her credit card and go on a road trip. Obvi. Then she cries when her mom tells her she mailed back her financial aid check back. Jenelle, you didn’t see that coming? Really? …Really?

4- I firmly believe that when Jace starts talking, his first words will be “Real Nice, Jenelle” – the direct influence of his grandmother and it’ll be the loudest, most Southern, most irritating voice of a child you’ve ever heard in your life.

5- She never thought that not showing up to work and not calling would directly result in her getting fired.

Her lack of common sense, ability to care about anyone else other than herself or her goofy boyfriend Kiefer, and scream-fests with her mother in front of her baby make her a certified candidate for a band named after her. Any suggestions? I can’t wait for the finale tonight… I could pee! Mugshots!!

Bethenny Ever After

I am a little behind with this one which I’m not sure I can forgive myself for since Bethenny Frankel is my all time favorite reality star.  From The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, to HWoNY, to Bethenny Getting Married, to Skating with the Stars, to Bethenny Ever After… I have never missed a show. I am obsessed. So much so that I’m very seriously considering never speaking to my brother-in-law again because he hates her. As a result, our relationship is on the rocks. (Kathy, tell Timmy that… since I’m not speaking to him.)

I get it – she’s opinionated, she’s loud, she’s sarcastic, she can be crude, what she’s thinking is never not written on her face…but she’s the shit and she’s kind. Not a lot of people are kind anymore. Taking care of people – Gina with the mani/pedi and baptism, her assistant with the raise and the makeover, Nick the foodie with you know… just general attention. I completely love her.  However… there is someone I could potentially love more than Bethenny at some point in time…Bryn. In every scene, Bryn’s facial expression never changes and totally sums up my feelings on life – not impressed and unamused.

In regards to Nick – What is the big gay ice cream truck and how do I get it involved in my life? I love gays and I f’in love ice cream. I love that he’ll be her new food blogger for her site. I get tons of healthy recipes off her website, so now I’ll be able to also go to her site and read all about restaurants and food stops that I’ll want to eat at but aren’t even remotely close to where I live and will constantly be let down. Yipee! I actually am more curious about him and the thoughts that go through his mind. Looking forward to it! I almost peed when he scurried across the street to get alcohol for the smoothies and then was pushing the baby carriage. How do I get a Nick?

I feel like the whole Christening situation was one that would completely happen to me. Standing on the street, recollecting myself wearing a ceremonial burnt orange head scarf after my daughter was pseudo-baptized in a Yoruba church after being ripped out of my arms without my consent. Naturally this would take place right around Halloween when Miah and I dressed up as a family of pandas and went trick-or-treating. Sounds about right. I can’t believe my brother in law doesn’t like her. I really don’t know what my sister sees in him.

All About Aubrey

Completely forgot about this trainwreck when I listed them earlier! She went downhill quick. I loved her on Making the Band… then as the time went on, her egos, lips and boobies grew too big for anyone to handle. So sad. Now with her new show, I can see, first hand, that Aubrey O’Day is still criminally insane but trying to get her career back. My kind of television show! Her house is loaded of self portraits, her outfits are cringe-worthy, her relationship with her father is borderline suspect, her dogs are pink and purple and her face only moves from the top lip down. I’m OBSESSED.

I’m working on catching up, but did you see the episode where her father visits? Y-O-W-Z-E-R-S. She warns her friends that he is more of an embarrassing uncle than a father and that he is a cross between Jack Nicholson, a pimp and an old sea captain. I knew this was gonna be good. She takes him to a lesbian bar because he thought for a while that she may be a lesbian…. then later on we see Aubrey and her friend take naked pictures cuddling in a sauna and put it on Twitter. Huh, where would he get that thought? In any event, the lesbian bar is insane – he admits he looked for her only after she got famous, he grinds on her friend, snuggles with Aubrey…. I couldn’t tell if they were trying to make him a likable character because I was 100% creeped out.

I liked the show, but wasn’t positive about how I felt about Aubrey. She puts her dogs in bikinis with chicken cutlets for boost, she wears henna stickers up her arms, and well, of course, her father. But then…. THEN… she went jogging. Jogging, schmogging…. but she was wearing a Beiber shirt!! Immediately, I started following her on Twitter. She won me back. I am now once again a fan of this expressionless gem with no help from PDiddy this time.

Moral of the Story: Trainwrecks are my favorite.

Just a Thought: I bought concert tickets for tomorrow night off of a spiritual medium who “can’t go” to the show. Great. With my luck, she probably saw something unfortunate happen and got herself out of that situation real quick. Just in case, it’s been real peeps.

Comments (1) »

I’m back, bitches.

I’m back and alive… just a tanner, fatter version of me. You know, I was upset with myself that I wasn’t going to the gym more and instead, I was eating my body weight in steak and cheese subs and potato skins before the cruise… but it’s actually a good thing I did. I don’t think I was fully prepared for the endless amount of food you consume on a cruise. I mean I’m always game to challenging myself to an eating contest any day of the week, but if I didn’t unconsciously prepare with the subs and skins ahead of time, I really wouldn’t have been able to make myself as proud as I did on the trip. I gained a solid 4.5 pounds and if the thought of missing a meal or being late to a meal crossed Miah’s mind – I flipped my shit on him. When you build up my tolerance at an endless buffet like that, I’m going to get feisty and flip if you tamper with it. God help him and those dear to me when I become pregnant. I’m going to let myself (really) go and eat anything that’s not tied down. Can’t wait! (Well for the eating part, not the human-growing-in-my-stomach-being-a-parent-changing-diapers-vaginal-stitches part).

All the islands were gorgeous, the people were amazing, and clearly the food was unbelievable. It was such a great time! It’s good to be home though. I loved vacation but now I’m freezing, peeling, and starving with no buffet.  And of course, now I feel like I need another vacation to catch up on my DVR. Talk about stress! Holy crap. There aren’t enough hours in the day. So I decided I’m starting fresh with a diet, the gym and with my shows, if I miss some, I miss some… please forgive me.

Jersey Shore

I know in the previous week’s episode Sammi came back, they put cheese in Mike’s bed in retaliation for sending Snooki and Deena to NYC in a cab, and Ronnie continued to call Snooki, Schnookie solely to irritate the crap out of me. But in this past episode, it was much, much more entertaining…except for the lack of Teddy Graham boxes and 4C juice tins in the kitchen this time around. If you keep your eyes peeled in most episodes, you can get a good idea of how these glamazons stay in tip top shape diet-wise.

Mike let the dogs, Lean Cuisine and Juice Box, let loose. I like those names because I like food. Stupid me just stuck with Henry… although it suits him, second time around I’m going to go with Tuna Melt or Cool Ranch Dorito. Genius. Those little bastards were eating like me on the cruise minus it being served in a trash bag – even though I wouldn’t have refused it that way.

Did you see when Pauly and Vinny were leaving Vinny’s house after dinner? I tried to count but it went to fast. There were at least 85-90 people on his front lawn. That’s his family for a no-reason dinner! It’s not even Thanksgiving! I don’t even know that many people and I can bet my ass that even if I did, I couldn’t get them to eat dinner with me for no reason. Boo.

And as predicted, Ronnie and Sam got back together and 20 minutes later they were fighting and broke up. All because she couldn’t admit that she was texting with a guy named Arvin that looked like an anteater. I would have admitted it, I mean the texts are proof, but then I would have been dying laughing at him for getting jealous at that. Would have chalked the whole thing up to being a joke on him. She needs some lessons – in relationships as well as wearing a proper bra with a strappy backed dress. Drives me nuts in every club scene.

Naturally, the roommates couldn’t take it…. Mike saying that Ronnie was crying on his shoulder, calling for roses, listening to Michael Bolton and Vinny and Pauly with the GTF – Gym Tanning Find out who Sammi is texting or GTI – Gym Tanning I’m not buying it.  I’m more GTG – Gym Tanning Give up on this relationship already because I’d rather be jealous and watch the dogs eat out of the trash. I’m starving!

Bad Girls Club

I go on vacation and Ashley is gone and there is a blonde from Jersey out of nowhere? Me no likey. I don’t like this new girl, Jennifer. Now I know it could be because I missed the episode where she actually showed up and am too overwhelmed by my DVR to find it, but I don’t care. Who does she think she is showing up while I’m away? Tisk, tisk. She goes insane when there is a cricket in the room when she is on the phone…like seriously insane. About as insane as I get when I see a car decorated with a wreath or like Rudolph for Christmas….that intense. Then how about when she yells at the even newer girl that came in this episode and called her a replacement. Uh, isn’t that exactly what you are? I get it. Jersey is becoming trendy. I mean, not trendy enough for anyone to actually move there, but good TV trendy. This girl needs to go back there and get locked in a room full of crickets. It’s sad when I think Nikki is possibly more tolerable than her. POSSIBLY.

I haven’t been a fan of Jess since the very beginning. With the hair gel, the open flannels over a tight half shirt, the baggy pants… you’d think she was an extra in TLC’s Creep video. But then her brother Aaron showed up! Jackpot! He’s like a Jersey guido and she’s the girl from your high school in 1995 that you didn’t want to F with – what a fam! Let’s just go over how she described him in her confessional, “he’s like me just twice as raw.” What the hell does that even mean? Is raw not being able to hold your liquor, not wearing a wedding ring, peeing in your sister’s roommate’s bed, and then getting up, taking off your banana hammock and falling asleep on the floor naked with your legs crossed? So raw. Well actually, who am I kidding… a few years back I was very raw.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. Why can’t I be as pretty and talented as a drag queen? I’m jealous of their bodies, their makeup ability and fashion sense. Boo. In any event, this week’s challenge was to do a PSA about why they love the USA to be sent overseas to the troops. I hope the troops appreciate it as much as I would! The guest judges for this challenge were supermodel, Cheryl Tiegs, and my arch nemisis, figure skater, Johnny Weir. I would like Johnny, but sadly that faux-hawk haired bastard bullied the crap out of my all time favorite reality star, Bethenny Frankel on Skating with the Stars. Yes, I watched that and yes, I would text my votes in for her. Bethenny got robbed on that show and I’ll never forgive Johnny for it. Never. I don’t care if he is on RuPaul’s Drag Race and wearing black leather finger gloves or if Skating with the Stars doesn’t come back for another season… his opinion is null and void to me. Bastard. And just to put emphasis on just how sucky his opinions really are, here is an example: he told one of the queens, that in their PSA there wasn’t a lot of class or integrity. Dude, the definition of integrity is honesty in your character. I think anyone who has the ability to tape their penaso up so well that you can confuse someone into thinking that you are of a different sex and then hand sew a red white and blue unitard to prove their adoration for our country and leave absolutely no sign of that penaso, well, I think they are being pretty honest in their character as a drag queen. Go back to figure skating, Weir. You suck.

The winner of the challenge was Alexis and rightly so… she Swarovski bedazzled the shit out of her ex-boyfriend’s military jacket. Meow. Unfortunately, Ru threw a wrench in the plan and made the two queens up for elimination lip sync for their life to Mickey by Tony Basil….IN SPANISH. Dun, dun DUNNNNN! Lip Sync para tu vida!! Another thing to admire about a drag queen is that they are freakin’ bilingual. Waah! I want to be a drag queen! Luckily, for the first time in the show’s history, both the ladies got to stay. But guess what? Who cares about them?! Jody Watley is next week’s judge! She better have on hoops, a tulle skirt and cat eyed makeup. Play us out Jody!

 

Moral of the Story: GTD – Gym Tanning Don’t even bother setting up your DVR when you go away on vacation… you’ll never catch up.

Just a Thought: I just saw a commercial for Cadbury Creme Eggs and almost peed my pants.

Comments (2) »

Blame it on the Xenadrine

Because my social life is at it’s peak – I have never met a Bravo show that I didn’t love. I am talking everything – it started with Project Runway (which ironically I can’t find the Lifetime Channel unless a made for TV movie is on…sorry Tim Gunn), then moved on to Work Out, Flipping Out, Thintervention, Kathy Griffen, Top Chef, Housewives (All of them), 9 by design, Rachel Zoe, Matchmaker, Shear Genius….all of it. I watch it all. Like I said, my social life is booming. But for 4 weeks, I have attempted to watch but can’t make myself like the cast of Housewives of Miami. I have to say I hate it. Sorry Andy Cohen! Well I hate HWOM and the reruns of America’s Next Top Model every single day. Don’t even get me started on my hatred for Tyra Banks. DON’T. GET. ME. STARTED. Her eyeballs, her forehead, the fact that she feels she can speak in different accents when she feels like it and no one will notice… grr. I need a valium. So let’s dish, shall we?

Housewives of Miami

Let’s just start with the pig roast. Helllllooooo P.e.t.a.! I wonder how many animal activists have since chained their bodies to Alexia’s rod iron fence. Holy crap. I don’t do blood, guts, papercuts, mosquito bites, things like that  in general, and then I always feel bad for the injured animal in a movie more than the dead human ….Gladiator? Braveheart? Paranormal Activity? (Speaking of, in all seriousness, what was the outcome of the dog’s diagnosis in the sequel? They never answered it and it really pissed me off) Waaaahhh! So my favorite network and favorite show series thinks it’s ok to literally fling a dead pig around, gut it open, crack it’s bones and put oven mitts on it’s limbs – all on a kitchen island in front of a national audience…. hi. Can I get a disclaimer? Don’t get me wrong, I could eat bacon until the fluid retention in my body puts me right in the Guiness Book of World Records, but I don’t need to see how it’s made. Strike 1, Miami.

Marysol. Although she is probably my favorite housewife on this show – that’s not saying much. I have slim pickin’s. Talk about the worst proposal ever! I’ll just give you a 629746294769-294672-967 million dollar 10 carat ring and no hug, no kiss. JT brings me a Whopper Jr. from Burger King and I get more excited. They essentially planned their wedding and then gave each other a little peck. I don’t like when people play coy – I’m a straight to the point kind of person so when he was like I asked your dad for you hands and she said my hands??? Puke.

Lea. OK – maybe I’m delusional because I’m used to seeing each housewife looking 20 years younger thanks to the advances of modern science and surgery, but is Lea someone on the shows mother or does she just age correctly?

Kristy. By far, my least favorite housewife of all time. Reminds me of a tick-y schizo.

Elsa! The only redeeming quality about the entire show! She looks like a monster from Buffy the Vampire Slayer but I can’t get enough. I think my absolute favorite thing about her is that she wears makeup. LOL Makeup is to make you feel pretty, freshen up your look, etc. LOL Makeup, Elsa? Really? Really? It’s not helping. Although who knows what you look like without it – maybe it is helping. OBSESSED.

Jersey Shore

I may be going out on a limb here but I don’t think Sammi is wrong. I know she texted Arvin the anteater but it was the next day after her and Ronnie broke up and he ruined everything that she owned! In Miami, they broke up for 30 seconds and he went downstairs and called his ex-girlfriend to make a date! Hellllooo!! She’s not wrong. It’s definitely going to sting a little at first, Ronnie, but get over it. You’ve been way worse to her than she ever was to you. You bet your ass I’d do it too. I really hate Ronnie, like really hate him. Like tweet mean things to him on Twitter. Yeah, I’m tough. Other than his obnoxious laugh, his shit eating grins, and just his personality in general – the thing I hate the most about him is his Xenedrine commercial. “Hi, I’m Ronnie from Jersey Shore and keeping it real is what I’m all about.” AS HE’S WAVING TO A FAKE CROWD AND FAKE PAPARAZZI TALKING ABOUT A WEIGHT LOSS AND FAT CONTROL PRODUCT. Really keeping it real dude. No crowd. No real cameras. Not staying in shape naturally. Genius. I bet he wrote his own lines. F’ing idiot.

I found this video when looking up the Xenadrine commercial. Oh yes. Yes I did. Please watch. New fav.

Him talking about how is heart is broken at this point. Eww God, he’s such a loser. I mean I’m sure a good percentage of us have all been in unhealthy, unequal, unfair relationships before – but seeing this on TV, makes me appreciate so much what I have now. Although I am approaching 30 this year and can’t hold my liquor or my bladder anymore, I’m so happy that those early/mid twenty beyond frustrating relationship years are behind me. I remember when I was 26, all my girlfriends and I went to Baltimore for the Red Sox game, and my boyfriend called and flipped on me about something stupid and I was screaming at the top of my lungs, trying to get him to understand – all while my girls were in the other room sitting there listening. Very Jersey Shore-esque. Afterward, my girls calmed me down and I cried into a steak and cheese sub. Nowadays, it’s so much more enjoyable to cry into a steak and cheese sub solely because it’s even more delicious with solid peace and harmony in my life. Who knew??

The only other notable topic in the last two shows was the ‘Denim-denim-denim’ comment from Pauly to Deena. Not sure if it’s because I’m the above listed bladder issue, but I almost peed. I can’t stop saying it either. That might be the single best one liner I’ve ever heard. Ever. Where was that when JT and Brit Brit were dating??

Moral of the Story: Ron leave. Sammi leave. No one take Xenadrine. Elsa for President.

Just a Thought: Did you guys see the commercial for Mob Wives! YEEEAAAAHHHHH

Comments (1) »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.